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#121 of 146 Old 08-06-2002, 10:21 PM
 
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Hi girls I just wanted to introduce myself. You all sound like a grate bunch of women and I enjoy reading all of your posts. I was introduced to the forum by rasjane. We went to school together. I am a mommy to sean who is 4. and I love staying home with him. I can't wait to get to know all of you.
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#122 of 146 Old 08-07-2002, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Welcome Spring! It has been so nice to read some good stories and cry because I'm happy for LISA!!!! Thanks so much for sharing your neat story. I am excitedly anticipating hearing more of how BFing goes! What does little Dallin look like? I am enjoying my own little nursling so much that I can hardly stand it. I love babies.

I've had a rough couple of days with the boys, though. I've had a couple of red flags and have really been trying to have more fun with them, play with them, etc. It has helped, but today I had some things come up that were really important to me and I had been spending all morning building railroads, replacing batteries and cutting cardboard boxes. To make a long story short, I had a bigger tantrum than my 2yo and I really lost it. Thankfully, I didn't hurt him, but I wanted to. Anyway, I feel awful, especially because it has been MONTHS since I lost my cool, and I've really been working on it. So I guess I need some support and ideas on how to do it all without being grumpy to my older kids.

Keep the love stories comin! I'm lovin it.

Maybe its time for a new thread?
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#123 of 146 Old 08-07-2002, 04:26 PM
 
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welcome spring!

momnloveit I am having the same problem with my two older boys. My house is so hectic!!! All they do is get hyper and rough house which is fine if they keep it under control, but my 2 year old doens't really know how to keep it under control. So he'll instigate the wrestling type play and then after a minute or so it will be too much for him and he'll cry or fuss, then turn around and instigate it again...........ARGH!!! My whole day is filled with this....loud boys playing rough intersperced with my younger son fussing or crying and then going right back to what made him fuss or cry!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, so they do play calmly in their room from time to time, but it always turns into rough play. I am so stressed out right now!!!!!!!!!! It's happening right now int he other room. I am just going to take everyone outside forever!!

Heidi : Married for 15 years, expecting our 8th baby in July!

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#124 of 146 Old 08-07-2002, 10:35 PM
 
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We have the same situation in our family with my two boys. Yesterday my seven year-old actually ran away to the trail behind our house because I lost my temper with him. (This trail has rattlesnakes, very likely mountain lions, and there was a kidnapping attempt back there a couple years ago!) I think taking them outside really is the key. I read something to that effect recently, that kids have a certain amount of energy to release, and parents need to make the committment to give them the proper outlets. Anyway, today has been a better day. My son and I had a good talk last night, and I definitely apologized for screaming at him (it had been several months for me, as well). I'm wondering how things will go when the baby's born in November. I'm sure the situation will intensify, especially because it will be winter,too. Sorry I don't have any good ideas, just lots of empathy, because my house seems to be dominated by wrestling, too.
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#125 of 146 Old 08-08-2002, 01:12 AM
 
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Welcome Spring!

There must be something in the air lately, because dd has been driving me crazy, and she's not even ten months yet! She's so frustrated with life because she wants to pull herself up, stand and walk, and she's just not there yet. She's so determined and focused on what she wants to do, and gets just furious and screams when she can't do it! I took her to Enrichment night tonight and all the ladies were laughing because she wouldn't sit in my lap, she just wanted me to hold her hands so she could stand up. I know that things will improve when she can pull herself up more consistently and is able to be a little bit more mobile, but man, this stage right before is making me nuts! She has fallen, bumped, bonked, and screamed so many times today, and she is so excited about moving and stuff that she's not napping during the day. Ugh. Today, my husband got home from work, I handed dd to him and told him that I was going to go take a nap. I didnt even ask him how his day was until I woke up forty five minutes later. Here's wishing for a more peaceful day for all of us tomorrow!

Violin teaching, doula-ing Mom to Abby, (8) Ashlynn, (6) : and Max (11/13/08) Diagnosed with Metopic Craniosynostosis. First surgery 5/1/09, Second surgery March 2010.
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#126 of 146 Old 08-08-2002, 03:38 PM
 
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Hi Spring!

I know what you mean Staceymom, that was a frustrating time too b4 drew was walking. Right now he's 17 mo.s and all of the old regulars for putting him to sleep stopped working last week. i'd like to say that I've totally implemented what I read about in "The No Cry Sleep Solution" but it's taking too long for my sanity. I don't see anything else working right now except for CIO. I have nothing but the utmost admiration for all of you who are able to get your kids to sleep without doing it. I feel like it's time to wean, esp. at night and so last night was the first night of not nursing him and it was horrible. Dh & I were up all night, but I gotta say that I'm giving it 4 nights and then we'll see where we're at. I can't do the wake up and nurse every 1-2 hr.s anymore. Blah, blah, blah. Oh well, I'm doing the best I can.

Those were fun stories about all of you and how you met your dh's.
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#127 of 146 Old 08-08-2002, 04:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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after I posted and it really helped. Why is it so hard sometimes to see things through their eyes. We ended up having a really great evening with the kids until bedtime. Then DADDY lost it!! So then I really knew it was time to regroup. So we stayed up talking things over and trying to come to some solutions. I think my little guy was getting the message that I didn't want him around and he was trying to get some attention. This morning when he climbed in my bed to wake me up, I made sure I refrained from using "don't" and I let him talk to me, pile blankets on the babe, etc. I sort of dozed while he was doing this and I'd wake up when he talked to me. Then one time I dozed off and woke up 30 minutes later and he was downstairs playing! He just needed to know that I was available. I have to say that I'm so thankful for Christ. Every night I thank Him for making it possible for me to try again. Isn't it amazing how Heavenly Father can take something awful (like yesterday) and turn it into something great: a very meaningful conversation between dh and me that helped renew our commitment to our kids. He even called me at lunch today and told me how great he felt when he woke up this morning because of it.

Drewsmom, I will probably get flamed for this, but we trained our kids to sleep on their own and we are soooo glad that our kids go to bed so easily. I know it is a hard decision to make. My kids are still bonded and attatched to us and we have really neat bedtimes. I did read Ferber and I did learn a lot. I know people here are adamantly against this, but I guess I'm sticking my neck out in case you need some support. BTW, it isn't like my kids cried everytime forever. Within a few days, they would fall asleep without crying. If they woke up, we'd always go right to them and when my son started having nightmares, we moved his bed into our room. For awhile, we had a "special place" on our floor for him if he woke up at night and wanted to be with us. Anyway, I know there are other and probably better ways of doing it, but this has been great for us. We're not evil parents Baby slept 8 hours last night I'm feeling pretty rested and pretty lucky!
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#128 of 146 Old 08-11-2002, 03:38 AM
 
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We did it,we got a house!More later......

:::
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#129 of 146 Old 08-11-2002, 02:29 PM
 
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Congratulations!

We want to move (to a bigger house in our area), but we just haven't found the right house yet. I'm due in November, so it's beginning to look like I'll be moving with a baby instead of while I'm pregnant...

Happy settling in!
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#130 of 146 Old 08-12-2002, 05:13 PM
 
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That's great AudreyJoy!! So exciting. I was going to ask anyone else if they had bought or were in the process of buying a place. We've been out looking lately and it's quite depressing around here, stuff still continues to climb out of our reach in the northern va area. It's quite ridiculous actually.

Just an update on Drew's sleep. He popped through a molar and then a day later (Friday) he came down with Roseola. There's always a reason why his sleep is disrupted if I would be patient enough to bear with it Thank you for your input Momnloveit, I don't think you'll be flamed here. I think each person has to figure out what works best for them and I do think there's a huge difference between letting your kids CIO when they're just a few weeks old vs. after a year when they can understand more of what you're saying. After he's totally better I do think I'll persist with nightweaning though.

Sunday I was talking with my friend that I've mentioned here before (she does the Babywise method and sleep trains after 6 weeks). She was saying how frustrated she was with her kids and how she thought they were bad. Another friend in the ward (I'm slightly embarassed to say friend) said, "Yeah, your kids really are bad." Arrrggg, how can anyone say that a child is _bad_? I think that we are temporary stewards over these children that Heavenly Father has given us and that all children are inately good. Gotta run baby crying
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#131 of 146 Old 08-12-2002, 10:07 PM
 
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Drewsmom--I can't believe those women would describe the children as "bad." This whole idea of "bad" kids is so frustrating. I am constantly reminding my kids that it is impossible for any child to be "bad." What about the comments at church that when brand-new eight year-olds are baptized their sins are washed away? What sins? Last I heard, it's impossible to sin before the age of accountability. Okay, now I'm really on a roll. This whole idea of Santa not bringing presents if you've been "bad." In our family, Santa brings presents to all children, because he loves all children. What message does that send if Santa's love is conditional, based on behavior? Okay, I feel better now
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#132 of 146 Old 08-12-2002, 11:54 PM
 
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Oooh... this is one of my pet peeves.

From the time that dd was born, until she was able to sit up and move around be herself, she was extremely, Dr Sear's definition of high needs. She was fussy all the time, nursed constantly, wouldn't sleep, had to be in arms all day, etc, etc. It was so hard, and dh and I were exhausted and frustrated constantly. It was the struggle with her intense personality that led us to AP and believing in the nurturing, consistent care that it preaches. But for the first few months, I was extremely sensitive to perfect strangers asking me if she was a good baby. What in the world defines a good baby? A baby who never expresses her needs? A baby who sleeps all the time? A baby that is trained to fit into the lives of her parents? Of course, if I said even the slightest thing about how tired and frustrated we really were, we would just get blank stares and lectures about not spoiling the baby. I remember being at a concert with dd, my mom and one of her friends, and the friend asked me if she was a good baby. My mom jumped in and said "No, she's a terrible baby- she never stops crying and keeps her parents up all night." I stood there dumbfounded. My heart just broke at the thought of my little one being told that she was a bad baby, just because she had a lot of needs and was very persistent in expressing them. Just because kids are born with more intense temprements doesn't make them good or bad- just different. The way I see it, our childrens' spirits have been around for a long, long time, and it must be really hard to be this mature spirit trapped in this little body that can't do anything, and can't communicate it's needs. I think it's our resonsibility to love and nurture, discipline and guide these little people the very best that we can, and much study and prayer has led me to the positive, nurturing side of AP, and I think that that kind of consistency, gentleness and love will help bring out the wonderful shining aspects of her personality, and help her be confident in her beauty, grace and spirit. I think that children who are constantly told that they are "bad," "brats," "spoiled," or other derogatory (sp?) names or labels will grow up doubting themselves and maybe even believing in those labels. My goodness, the last thing I want is for this sweet little child of mine is is have her spirit wounded, or to doubt that she is a beautiful, powerful, wonderful child of our Heavenly Father. There is too much negativity and sarcasm between people and family members, and I refuse to let it affect my family if I can help it.

Whoah! Sorry for the novel, but I can't help but feel really strongly about this. It's a huge thing for me. Children are wonderful, beautiful blessings, and they are learning and growing, just like we are. Maybe these women just need to adjust their expectations.

Violin teaching, doula-ing Mom to Abby, (8) Ashlynn, (6) : and Max (11/13/08) Diagnosed with Metopic Craniosynostosis. First surgery 5/1/09, Second surgery March 2010.
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#133 of 146 Old 08-12-2002, 11:55 PM
 
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Oh, and Audrey- Congratulations! Have you found everything yet? Moving is such a pain- hope everything is going well.

Violin teaching, doula-ing Mom to Abby, (8) Ashlynn, (6) : and Max (11/13/08) Diagnosed with Metopic Craniosynostosis. First surgery 5/1/09, Second surgery March 2010.
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#134 of 146 Old 08-13-2002, 01:17 PM
 
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I totally agree Stacymom! Old spirits in little bodies that can't tell you what they want. I felt so bad when her little one was crying and a sweet older man in the ward who loves children came along and tried to help out. My friend said, "here take him I can't handle him right now" and shoved him away screaming while he was looking at her with his arms out towards her.

So back to that original question that I'm always struggling with- calling everyone I mean everyone- what's your opinion? Is it better to just be a quiet example or is it better to say something like what Stacymom said, " Hey, they're just old spirits in little bodies that are frustrated sometimes b/c they can't express their needs." I would just say that I would never stand there and say something harsh toward the parent but I'm always struggling and wanting to say something to defend the little one and help my friend learn to trust in her own instincts. But most of the time I just end up saying something about how I understand how she's frustrated and that she's not the only one that ds does similar things. Just so she can feel like her kids aren't the only ones who have tantrums or cry. But she knows that I don't think Andrew is a brat. In fact I think most of the moms in the ward think I do spoil him. I was getting out of our car at a friend's house and I kissed Andrew (which I do _all_ the time...I LOVE it- I mean how long is he going to let me do that? not long) and she saw me do that. I got a funny look from her. Who knows what people are thinking and most of the time I'm wrong but that convo. still bothers me and I want to talk to my friend but never know how or what to say. Any suggestions? I know you guys have run across this too.
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#135 of 146 Old 08-13-2002, 03:49 PM
 
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Drewsmom--My approach is to be gentle and sympathetic with the mom, just as you've described. You set the example by how you treat your own child. I think moms that are that frustrated with their kids are feeling very unloved themselves. Sometimes they just don't have it in themselves to give that kind of love to their kids. If they feel more criticism from someone else, they just feel more discouraged, and that doesn't help the baby's situation at all. I just try not to "feed" any conversation about "rotten" kids. If I could think of a comment that could genuinely teach without any sense of condemnation, I would use it. I've just never thought of anything, so I think support and example are the way to go. And prayers for the mom and her family.
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#136 of 146 Old 08-14-2002, 12:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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There have been public moments when nothing has been more awakening(and humiliating) than having someone else treat my child with more gentleness and understanding than I have. That's my advice. Be nice not only to your kids, but to hers.

I feel a little sad about the whole bad baby thing. I have a sweet, calm, sleeper. Does this mean she's not expressing her needs or something? I just feel really blessed to have her gentle temperament because it is really hard to deal with a "difficult temperament" I think it is harder to enjoy them because you are so spent and exhausted. I don't disagree that they have marvelous strong points and they are great teachers.
I think that most people who ask if your baby is "good" are actually asking how you are doing. They're concerned with how you're dealing with the change. Saying things like "she's very spirited, or she keeps us running" are positive things you can say that won't damage your child and at the same time will get the questioner thinking more in positive terms. Usually people are not trying to be offensive, they're trying to make conversation or they really care about you, neither are crimes.

We're coming up on our year anniversary in New York. What a year! We LOVE our house here. Hope you love your new house as much, Audrey. Drewsmom, a family from our ward just left to find a job in Virginia. Maybe you'll end up in the same ward!
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#137 of 146 Old 08-14-2002, 12:46 AM
 
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I've been thinking a lot about these issues today, and have a few more thoughts to share.

I think that sometimes people forget that babies are people too, with their own little personalities, wants, and desires. Sometimes, they just don't know how to express them. I see in the lives of my neighbors and ward members people that expect their children to be mild mannered, well bhaved angels every moment of the day. We're not that way, how can we possibly expect our children to be that consistent every day. WE have days where we feel grumpy, or don't want to deal with anyhting, and I think that our children have the same, and we need to make allowances for that. Babies should be allowed to have a bad day now and then, just like the adults are. Momnloveit, I think that you are blessed to have a little one with a sweet temprement, I think it's just a different personality type. The point is that babies aren't good or bad, no matter what they do. They are just reacting to the world in different ways.

Another thing I try and do is to always think in positive terms, something that is really hard on me. Rather than saying that she has been cranky all day, I try to say that she's had a rough day. When someone says how clingy she is, I remark that she loves her parents and is feeling shy. When someone says how much she fusses or cries, I just remark thtat she's intense and very, sensitive to her enviroment. Does that make sense? I try very hard not to complain to non-sympathetic ears, and the more confident I am in my positive replies, the more people tend to accept it. And, I think it will help my kids- after all, even if the whole world is against them, at least they'll know that their mommy loves them.

One more thing I thought about today. The days that are the hardest for me are the days that I am most unconnected to my dd. The days where I am concentrated on myself, the things that I need to do (or am not getting done,), how tired I am etc, are the days that I get most annoyed with the little things. Tongiht has been a real struggle to get dd to sleep, and I was so frustrated that I took a time out, said a little prayer, and realized that I wasn't paying attention to what she needed. We took some time and played and giggled, and we both felt better. The more connected we are, happier we both are.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. This is a topic that I feel really stongly about- so I hope I haven't offended anyone.

Violin teaching, doula-ing Mom to Abby, (8) Ashlynn, (6) : and Max (11/13/08) Diagnosed with Metopic Craniosynostosis. First surgery 5/1/09, Second surgery March 2010.
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#138 of 146 Old 08-14-2002, 02:08 AM
 
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Stacymom--thanks so much for your comment about the rough days being those when you're more disconnected from your daughter. Today was a nightmare with my 7 year-old son, and your words were very good for me to hear. I look forward to trying again tomorrow...
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#139 of 146 Old 08-14-2002, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I totally agree, Stacymom. Let's just say at our house, the babymoon is over! Everyone's in competition for the attention. My 4yr old has regressed to the same level as his 2yr old brother. Yesterday we had some tough battles and I realized last night when I was talking to my friend how stupid I was being for expecting them to be good when their lives have just been shaken up! I feel really bad about a couple of battles I had over behavior. If someone treated me that way when I was in a bad mood, I'd have no desire to be any nicer, kwim? So we're having a much better day by NOT talking behavior at all. WHEW, Glad to be released from the behavior-police!

As far as the positive stuff goes, have any of you read Raising Your Spirited Child? It is the BEST book about different temperaments and how to HELP each one. It has lots of great positive labels for kids and adults. I can't tell you how much I learned about myself as well as all my family members, even my siblings. It is worth buying. I think I'll start reading it again tonight!

You guys are great. KatherineinCA, do you know what you're having? I have too much girl stuff!
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#140 of 146 Old 08-15-2002, 12:34 AM
 
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I am happy to report that today went so much better with my son! I just kept remembering Stacymom's comment about being connected. All day, I evaluated what I was doing by how connected my children and I would feel. The day went well, and tonight is so peaceful. It's still early, and I think I'm going to sleep soon. Two of my three are already asleep. (That is very unusual around here.) Maybe having a peaceful, attentive mom helps them to relax and go to sleep more easily?

momnloveit--we are having a boy, our third. I am getting so excited for this baby's birth. I feel so peaceful, like things are going to go well. The homebirth I have wanted is seeming more and more likely every day, for which I am very grateful.

Hope everyone's doing well...
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#141 of 146 Old 08-15-2002, 05:46 PM
 
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Staceymom, I thought your post was beautiful. Drewsmom, I think you can say both that you understand and then something about how you try to remind yourself that they are just trying to communicate their needs or whatever, then you can still give a different viewpoint without coming across like your being critical.
Momnloveit, I don't think it means your not meeting her needs, if she is calm you obviosly are. Kids are different. Some don't cry much b/c all their needs are being met before they have to cry. And some cry a lot b/c they have a lot more needs (like w. some high needs kids, they just need to be held 24 /7) I do think sometimes there are kids who end up never expressing their needs because they've been ignored too long, or some kids who are always crying b/c their needs are never being met. but I think that anyone who even follows some of the basic AP principles wouldn't have these problems. I hope I am making some sense here.
I also have had sort of a "wake-up" moment. Ds has been sleeping horribly the past week or so, waking every hour or half hour. I've been going crazy. Finally last night I realized that I have been giving him so little attention all day. I just found out that I am pregnant again, and I have been exhausted, so I've been sitting in front of the tv all day, or maybe reading him a few books. Poor kid. So last night I decided that tv is not going on at all, and we went to the park, for a walk, and to the library. He took a better nap and seems happier, so I agree with what everyone is saying about more attention to kids during the day. I haven't told anyone yet about being pregnant (you guys are the first! After dh of course), but I was wondering about suggestions for happily getting through pregnancy w. a one year old, and we are still nursing big time, I need advice on this too!!! Thanks guys!!
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#142 of 146 Old 08-15-2002, 09:32 PM
 
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mama milkshake--Sorry, I have no advice for getting through a pregnancy with a one year-old (my kids are spaced five and three years apart). Just wanted to say "congratulations!" When are you due?
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#143 of 146 Old 08-16-2002, 12:12 AM
 
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I found out I was pg when dd #1 was just barely 12 months old. I was working two days a week and she was still nursing a lot! And she didn't eat much food. I still don't know how I got through it--there were many days esp.in the first trimester where I just lay on the couch and read books to her or played with her little people with her. We went for walks for as much energy as I had, and I went to visit friends so she could play with their toys!

I stressed so much about how close the babies would be, but everyone told me, "you'll be shocked by the difference between 12 months and almost two (21 mos.). And it is absolutely true! Twelve mos. old is such a baby and by 21 mos. she understood that a baby was coming out. I waited until I was very pregnant to explain.

She weaned herself when I was about 8 or 9 weeks pregnant, just when I was trying to get information about nursing through pregnancy. So I can't help much there. Completely forget about potty training. Maybe you already are. I just didn't even try or have a potty chair or anything! Hang in there. I had planned on ttc about six months later. It wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. But it did take about six months to feel like I got the "hang" of two children. Now it's routine, but a couple of times I would forget to do up someone's seatbelt in the carseat!
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#144 of 146 Old 08-16-2002, 12:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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conrats mamamilkshake! my 1st 2 are spaced that way. i would take ds for a walk 1st thing every day. that way i got my exercise and he got out. i have to admit that at that time we had a tv in our room and ds and i would cuddle and watch pbs until i felt like getting out of bed. sometimes you have to look at it 1 hr at a time. well, kids need me,but hth
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#145 of 146 Old 08-16-2002, 02:25 PM
 
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This is getting big--who's for starting a new thread?!
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#146 of 146 Old 08-17-2002, 08:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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me, ill start ldsmamas#6 right now! see you there
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