The Marriage Siminar - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 09-23-2002, 06:11 PM - Thread Starter
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This Sunday at church they were advertising a marraige siminar in our town. It was $100 which i figured wasn't bad for a weekend n the towns nicest hotel. Not to mention the IL would jump at the chance to take the girls for the weekend if this was why. Absolutely no kids allowed, not even a nursing infant would be allowed to distract me and make me think "Oooo babies, sweet" which is apeearantly bad for your marraige. ( But then the real cost came together $100 per person -who charges per person for a marriage siminar?- plus $75 per night , three nights, for hotel rooms, plus what ever you will spend on the two date nights) So I started thinking about it more and the whole premise started to seem silly.

When dh and I have three days away from children, work and our house (as needy as the children) we don't need people to tell us how to reconnect. We have nothing unconnecting us. We know how to do the couple thing. We spent a few years getting really good at it to the exclusion of all else and in a few short years we will be there again.

Three days in a hotel room without the girls. Good luck getting us out of there. Why waste $200 on a confrence. Talking about sex, having sex. Tough choice. Not to mention who needs a date. Isn't the whole weekend one big freaking date.

The problem in our marriage is that we have trouble getting on the same page when we are trying to balance work, house chores, children, homeschooling, various levels of pewrsonal health etc. . . and still find quiet time for each others (as well as ourselves and God).

Does anyone know of any marraige siminars that will come to your home and teach you how to connect as a couple when you have a cold, your children are screaming, your dh is working (he can tele-conference the siminar), you are trying to do the laundry but the washer is broken, while your teaching your six year old to read and your toddler is fishing in the toilete that your six year old forgot to flush (not to worry, she knows where we keep the shampoo ). Oh, lets not forget finding time for myself and connecting with God.

Seriously though, does anyone know of a good book or conference or speaker or anyone who speaks from a Christian perspective who teaches on how to make Christ your foundation and find time for everyone, enriching your marraige, being the parent you want to be (regaurdless of who that is). maybe Dr. Sears should write something. He still has a good marraige in the midst of children. That is what I want. I want to have a good, Christ centered marraige in the midst of children. I don't want to have to run from my parenting responsibilities everytime I need to connect with dh. I want to be able to connect with dh even if we have to shot over the roar of life. Perhaps more complicated on some levels but much morepractical. i mean really "Honey, we need to talk, I have a sitter for friday can you make it?" just isn't working for me. neither is staying up till two just for alone time.

This really is more than a rant. If anyone knows about a book or whatever that offers a balanced, real life approach to marraige while parenting I would really like to know.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#2 of 6 Old 09-23-2002, 06:18 PM
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Well, someone here at MDC recommended "Families where Grace is in Place" to me and I loved it. I thought it would be just about parenting, but it turned out that the first half was about marriage. Maybe it would help -- but I don't know.

That is all I can think of off the top of my head. There has GOT to be more out there though!
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#3 of 6 Old 09-23-2002, 06:50 PM
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From what I understand Marriage Encounter is not so pricey.

And it's not about sex either, it's about reconnecting with each other, getting on the same page........

Someday we're going to go to one, I hope.

"What will you do once you know?"
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#4 of 6 Old 09-24-2002, 09:23 AM
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I heard of those marriage seminars by the Raineys.

Wouldn't let nursing babies go. :

Didn't suprise me they supported the Ezzos

Debra Baker
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#5 of 6 Old 09-24-2002, 07:45 PM - Thread Starter
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NM How totally hip of you yo be quoting Skillet. They are one of my favorite bands. The keyboard player and I are due around the same time. Hows that for some useless trivia to help you sleep better tonight.

I don't mind that they don't want babies around. And if you make an exception for one baby thenyou have to allow all babies and if for nursinding babies the nursing toddlers and before you know it there are kids everywhere which is fine for a LLL conference but if I am paying thatmuch money for a seminar I don't want toddlers and preschoolers hanging around. They can be distracting. Everything has its season. Attend the seminar when your child is old enough to have a fun weekend with GM and you are ready for the break.

Mamaduck - I will have to check out the one you mentioned. I figured someone else has to feel this gap.

I believe the one the were doing here is Marriage Encounter and it did seem fun (whats not to love about a weekend at a five star hotel ). Like i said probably wouldn't make it to the seminar at all. And while it wasn't all about Sex there was one session - "Oneness" - where the engaged couples were not allowed. For the firmly engaged (what does that mean exactly. Engagement means you have retty much decided that yse you do want to marry him doesn't it) called "preparing for oneness". Sounds like sex to me. And since many men view sex as communicating it would be hard (and perhaps lacking) to talk about communicating without addressing sex.

My main thing is it seems like there is such a lacking in the Christian community in the area of being parents while being partners. it seems that the two are so often sperated and the only way to put your marraige first envolves getting rid of the kids. regularly. I really think you can be attatched to your children and your marraige without putting either on the back burner. We are doing it pretty sucessfully. part of it is we finally understand what "good wife/husbad" means to the other. My idea of a good husband is someone who is totally into the kids. Has been since we met so it isn't like I am spinging this on him. So getting a sitter, spending an evening talking about anything but the kids, and then being broke for a week doesn't make me feel any closer to him. Going to the park with the family and hanging out for the afternoon wins him a super dh award and garuntees him sex every night for a week. Everybody wins

For the next couple of months at least we are in a place where we can leave the kids with GM and have a good time. We are willing to leave the kids with GM and sit and stare at the wall and be happy about it. But soon the seasons will change and we will be with child every moment of every day untill our life seasons change again. I don't feel like this will be harmful to our marraige. Perhaps we are freaks because we never really dated in the first place. In high school we were broke, then in a long distance relationship for a year and then a year of college where we were broke and dreadfully busy and the were married and really poor because his parents weren't feeding us. A date ment pizza and a new release video (instead of a freebes at the library). In our whole lives, including our honeymoon, we have only escaped for the weekend like 4 times. In 10 years. So it is not like we miss it. Kinda pathetic though

oh well perhaps I am less normal than I thought. Perhaps that is why the seminarts seem so out there.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#6 of 6 Old 09-26-2002, 02:05 AM
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Lilyka, good point about people stressing being partners being separate from being parents. I think it's important to see your marriage as first priority and have quality time together (not necessarily alone). It's hard for me to be involved in church-related activities, because no one lets me bring my son! I'm involved in two bible studies right now, and in neither would I feel comfortable bringing my son in class with me--Ever! It's like I can never fellowship with others AND care for my child. What's that about??

About the conferences, my parents sent my husband and I to a Family Life Marriage conference a couple months after marriage. It wasn't much help because we weren't having problems. But lots of good info anyway. But Family Life is starting a new kind of conference, where it's Friday night and most of saturday, held in town (ours is at a local university), smaller size, and more focused (this one is on Improving communication in Marriage). Anyway, it's only $50-60 total. Wish we could go... Anyway, keep your ears tuned in, if that's something you're interested in.

And last, the best marriage book we've read is "His Needs, Her Needs". Once a person's basic needs are understood, it's easier to communicate better on how to meet them (maybe my husband and I just need to re-read this one!).

Blessings, Emily
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