Spiritual awakening: Joe's birth story part III - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 13 Old 05-19-2003, 11:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This part of the birth story is I think the most involved, and still evolving. It is very intense with a lot of self discovery, healing and revaltions.

But, I have to fix dinner now, so I'll be back in a couple hours. I know that's not much to start a thread on, but I'm working out what to say and I don't want to forget to start it again.

blessings,

Lori
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#2 of 13 Old 05-20-2003, 12:09 AM
 
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I am suffering from suspence
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#3 of 13 Old 05-20-2003, 01:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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some background about me. i believe all this stuff; i believe in reincarnation, the lost city of atlantis, psychic phenomina, the power of intuition and spirit guides, the tarot, fung shui and astrology, for starters. i believe there's more to life and human existance than what we know. i believe science is a limited but valuable tool for understanding our nature; it just doesn't have all the answers. Scientific method would prove these things out, if asking the right questions.

I think I was primed for this experience when it came to me, I wasn't afraid to let it lead me where it would. This experience is a gift and as a healer I'm imparted to share it with other folks.

edit: before this experience I considered myself a Buddhist. I was comforted by this identity. However, I was sort of a closet Buddhist, that is except for my husband and the anonymity given here, I didn't discuss being a buddhist with anyone. My mother was surprised to find out that I had a chosen spiritual avenue at all and I share quite a few things with her; except the fact that i'm a buddhist and believe the above things about the nature of life and the universe. I had no choice but to include her in this now because she's part of my support system after my vision quest. She's heard some mighty bizarre things from me, let me tell you. however, she, my sister and I make up a circle of women. we're very close and help each other through the things in our lives. Thankfuly I'll get to see my sister shortly to close the circle and help decipher what I've learned. My sister needs me right now and I've been out of pocket.
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#4 of 13 Old 05-20-2003, 01:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I invited Joe to come to me one night. I didn't realize the power of my words. I was afraid of birth and what would happen next, but I somehow gathered my strength, put that aside and said; "I just want to know my child". I felt the power of the words as I typed them. Something stirred, but I didn't realize that it would result in his premature birth. I thought I was still in for a 2 month wait. Little did I know. Probably better I didn't know. Joe's birth wasn't euphoric, itself. It was work. And I put all of my focus behind the work at hand. I was unavailable for any other form of communication. There were some challenges that I surpassed, and I'm quite proud of myself. I didn't try to 'get out of it', I said to myself, the only way out is through. I never stopped and said, ok, I'm done. When he was out of me I lie there shivering on the bed from the adrenline, electricity shooting from my nerve endings. I looked around and allowed myself to sit back and let them take care of me. Nothing was on my mind at this time. I was just 'there'. I suppose it was sort of a zen state, not that I thought of it that way at the time. I was electric and time had stood still. One thing I recall was that I didn't feel different. I didn't feel as if we'd been seperated and the baby before me, while I realized was Joe, didn't feel as if he'd been removed from me, even though they'd had to cut his cord because it was around his neck. I still felt attached to him for several days. I continued to refer to myself as pregnant in my mind; I wondered if I'd still feel pregnant for the whole 2 months. This feeling persisted until after I got out of the psychiatric hospital. Then I started to feel that we were seperating as 2 different individuals. He's still part of me, but also seperate. A duality I'd read about shortly before his birth. A very electric feeling.
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#5 of 13 Old 05-20-2003, 05:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just so you know, I'm writing this freely and sometimes I need to go back and update sections. I just updated the previous 2 entries, so if you're keeping up, you might want to go back and reread as I may refer to something I updated later in the thread. That's just how the process goes, sorry if it makes for difficult reading.

blessings
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#6 of 13 Old 05-20-2003, 06:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was working to get Joe out of the hospital and my home ready to receive him. It wasn't going smoothly. I needed extra help and realized that I needed to ask for it.

I had a vision of a dog. Her name is Molly and she's my mom, sister and my dog. She shares herself with us. She's currently living with my mom. At the time my mom was moving up to Portland to be with me and my family and I'd completely forgotten that her moving ment that Molly would be living closer to me, as well. Molly came to me and sat there, smiling her smile, she's a Sheltie. I didn't know what this ment, but I realized it was the start of things. I felt better seeing Molly.

Later that night I had an out of body experience and a visitation. I was sleeping in bed next to my husband. I was lying on my right side facing him. I had been meditating in this position. I saw myself lying on my bed. I was lying above myself, transposed in the same position. A dog came into my room; a big, shaggy and dark wolfy-looking dog. He was friendly and he jumped on my bed and snuffled around me. I was afraid because I didn't know this dog and I didn't know what to make of this experience. I started to wimper and then my self outside of my body feel out of bed and onto the floor. At this point I was released from the vision and I got out of bed. I was shaken. I thought that I had to contact someone and ask them what this ment. One person came to mind, a person on this board and I won't mention who they are unless they chose to be identified. I contacted this person via email and was directed what to say.

I said:
Quote:
Please help me. I was instructed to contact you. I need your help.
I told her about the dogs and the visitation. and I told her that she was to contact a 3rd person for me so that the 3 of us could work together.

She happily agreed to help me and contact our third. She asked me to describe the dog and she recognized him. He had come to me so that I could find her. He's actually come back a couple times to check on me. He's a very loving soul. One time he told me to contact her again because I was confused and no one else was helpling me.

My friend offered to send me Reiki and offered to send Joe Reiki as well, asking if he was stong enough to receive it. And boy was he. He was only a few days old and was astoundingly strong. He was able to lift up his head and chest with his arms, with great effort, but still not something I expected someone who was not yet ready to be born to be able to do.

She sent me Reiki via email. I got a jolt of energy when I opened the message. This opening allowed me to communicate freely with my spirit guide who helped me get through the rest of the work to be done without hurting myself. I was so tired and focused that I wasn't always aware of what was going on around me. She kept me safe while I was driving my car and working in the kitchen. She provided help so I could most efficiently do the work at hand. I felt like a combination of Martha Stewart and McGyver. It was very reassuring and calming to have this assistance. I was able to concentrate on Joe and my nesting. My house really wasn't ready for him. And we didn't have anything at home for him; we didn't even have a car seat. A LOT of work to be done!

Our 3rd contacted me and asked what she could do. She had heard about the dog visions and told me that the 2nd one sounded more like an out of body experience. She helped interpret my dreams.
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#7 of 13 Old 05-20-2003, 07:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I entered into a routine that would get me to the hospital, do the work on the house that I needed and give me the time I needed to heal. It was very important to me that I heal because I needed to be there for Joe when he got home, so this work would have to be done simultaneously.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to communicate my needs to my husband. For whatever reason. It's not his fault. He had work to do, too. He didn't realize that I expected him to drop everything he had to do to assist me with the work I was doing. Or at least help me more than he was. I was so focused that I didn't consider how to ask him for his help, I just assumed that he was going to give it without question. This isn't what happened. I became more and more distracted from my work because things I asked him to do he didn't see the need for as urgently as I did. I was nesting with a capital N and couldn't realize that he wasn't with the program. Bless his heart. I began doing more and more to get to everything I thought needed to be done, and there was a specific order to things, I realized later. Once I'd reached a specific and unconscious goal, I moved onto the next task, and the closer I got to finishing those goals, the closer it was to Joe coming home. Except that I was meeting the goals at the expense of my sleep. Something had to give.

I was so upset that Zak wasn't with the plan, and that I couldn't communicate this to him that I started to break down. This was interfering with my task of getting Joe out of the hospital. The more things weren't working out, the more stressed I became. I realized that someone needed to help Zak get with the program. I figured anyone would know that my focused goal was the only thing to be done at this time and that anyone would be willing to talk to him and bring him around to helping me since I was so intently focused I could see exactly what work needed to be done now and what could wait until later. I couldn't bring myself to talk to someone on the phone, so I sent my mom email. But she didn't respond, and the longer it took for her to contact Zak to explain things to him, the more stressed I became. Finally I called her. But her phone was off. So I called my aunt, who wasn't home. I was so distraught that I had to leave 3 messages on her answering machine because I sounded like all hell had broken lose down here. Finally I contacted my doctor, I figured she'd know to tell Zak to get with the program.

When I spoke to her, I was so upset that I was screaming and crying. I told her what was going on. Then she spoke to Zak. I thought she was telling him to get with the plan, but it was more of a happy conspiracy because she realized what I was going through in the corporal sense and was going to help Zak to get me (and him) through this. I didn't know this at the time but they began to discuss what I was going through and how to deal with it and this would be very important when I became completely psychotic later in my vision quest. I would need help to 'come down'.

In order to release the excess energy that I was generating, I was screaming and pacing around my room shaking my hands to flick the energy away. I was so distraught at this point, as it had been building for a few days, that it was taking me a while to release this energy. I must have been a sight, waddling around my room like a chicken, flicking my hands and screaming "Oh no! Oh help me!"

My aunt called me back at that point while Zak was still talking to my doctor. I had a long conversation with her. She's very supportive in these situations, not that she realized the enormity of it, just that I was having trouble with Zak and the baby was in the hospital. As a mom, she understood exactly. I talked to her for a long time, and I continued screaming, actually, I was kinda yelling, but my voice was shrill, so it wasn't at the top of my lungs, but I was quite loud and I was crying and flapping my hands and pacing. I was getting my energy back in line.

More of the goals were being met and I was spiraling faster towards Joe's release. I got even less sleep the closer I got to the goals being accomplished. After this cathartic release, I was open for further healing. I was asking for more help, and I was about to receive even more.
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#8 of 13 Old 05-20-2003, 05:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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for lots of people crying is cathartic. but for me it was physically painful. i was looking at a picture of my baby and i wanted to cry, but i stopped looking at it and tried to stop crying and my spirit guide asked me why i didn't want to cry. and i told her because it hurts. a spot on my forehad and a spot in my throat. she said that's not right. she told me to meditate and take a nap. i had a bad dream. something smokey and dark and scarey. i startled awake from my dream. i wrote to the 3rd and told her about it. she said this also sounded like an out of body experience and interpreted what it ment. i meditated on that. later my spirit guide brought a healer to me.
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#9 of 13 Old 05-21-2003, 01:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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the next part was pretty involved and I wasn't in my corporal mind the whole time, so it'll take a while to recall. please stand by while i call it up. and Joe is transitioning to the breast, so he's taking a lot of time, fittingly.

blessings,

Lori
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#10 of 13 Old 05-21-2003, 08:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i believe that the mind has the power to heal the body, in an absolute sense.

i can't recall the session verbatim. i was healed in a number of ways for several ailments. some i didn't realize i had. some were 'impossible' by allopathic standards.

after the healing session i continued to heal myself for the next 2 weeks or so. my muscles and joints were really sore after the birth. especially my butt-bone. I did a lot of stretches and yoga.

the healing primed me for the next phase; my spiritual rebirth.
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#11 of 13 Old 05-21-2003, 09:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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this is difficult to put into words.

everything i knew began to converge. every major phrase that had meaning in my life, was recalled, and images from my life were relived. the messages from the last few days were replayed in my head, over and over again, repeating signifigant phrases and images. each time they came back, it was as if i learned from them, i recognized the phrase/image from when i first heard it, and what it ment to me, and each image evolved within my being - these are the images which made me who i am, all the signifigant events in my life, each one played out, over and over, until I had internalized them, and put them asside, until there was one message - and I saw my life, as it played out, I saw my death. these images were spiraling inward, it was almost impossible to withstand and all of a sudden, i was through it, and it started to spiral outward, again. and it's still spiraling outward. i recognize phrases that were said a while ago as repeating, and as i learn them and from them, they take on new meaning in my life.

my husband was with me when this was happening. after it was over, he took me to the psychiatric hospital.

from here on out, i began my new life.
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#12 of 13 Old 05-22-2003, 01:30 AM
 
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hi lori, i just wanted to chime in and say that i've been reading your birth stories with great interest, esp. this part. it's so hard to verbalize transcendant experiences and when they're mixed up with psychological breaks i imagine it must be even harder. i appreciate the effort you are putting into transcribing it. it reminds me of a book i have, a collection of enlightenment experiences through the ages and across spiritual traditions. most of the folks in it experienced tremendous, ego-breaking psychological stresses followed by experiences they couldn't really describe to the extent that they wanted to.
the intersection of extreme mental distress and spiritual realization is, for me, compelling, frightening and confusing, but clearly very significant for human beings.
anyway, just wanted to say that your story is being heard by another avid listener,
warmly,
susan
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#13 of 13 Old 05-22-2003, 02:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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one thing that i'm reminded of is when my doc asked me what i thought would happen. i said that i thought i was handling the experiences. i said that the universe doesn't give you more than you can handle and she asked me, how would i know? and i said because if i weren't able to handle it i'd be swept off the earth. which sounded strange then, as i didn't realize how one could just fall off the earth, but later, when i was psychotic, i realized how. i blacked out a large part after my rebirth, when i was first admitted to the emergency room and sent to the psychiatric hospital. we had to wait 4 hours in the ER for a bed in a ward, and I blacked out the entire time period because I just wouldn't have been able to handle waiting in that place. funny, huh? i experienced altered states of reality for a few days, but couldn't handle waiting - not after what i'd been through

it doesn't scare me to relate this story because this isn't a permanent condition. this was a temporary state and in my case was well documented.

thanks for responding, Sue
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