Mindful Parenting Book Club Part IV - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 207 Old 02-13-2003, 05:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[ Cultivating/tending to my practice~garden/toddler/dh/self]....It's a beautiful day in Iowa and all is peachy...I even read the chapter and did my yoga...took me about two minutes to read the chapter!...maybe i'll be back tonight or tomorrow with some thoughts to share...LLL tomorrow for us and a Happy Valentine's Day to my sweet mama friends. Dh and I are even peachy these days...I'm really working on "I" statements instead of "You...never or you always." Seems to be working...enjoy your big and little loves tomorrow.
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#62 of 207 Old 02-13-2003, 06:39 PM
 
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I'm off for a weekend trip -- won't be back until next Monday, earliest -- but didn't want you to think I had abandoned you! Have a great weekend, Everyone!
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#63 of 207 Old 02-13-2003, 06:55 PM
 
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This reminded me that DH and I sometimes use our email to communicate difficult things and feelings because it gives us a moment to realise how we sound before we say it.
nuggetsmom- given how important communication is in any relationship, i think it's a great idea no matter how it happens!

Quote:
but most times i feel like i need to be doing more about this large sphere (even if it doesn't feel like i have much influence). i wonder where that "should" comes from.
liminal one- maybe from our fear of losing control. i feel that way quite a bit. and then *try* to use it like a reminder to focus on my family. maybe i should also use it to focus on my breathing. hmmm. what else?

right now i am on my monthly live juice fast- so maybe whenever i feel the urge to eat, i will remind myself to breathe. that would have me conscious of breathing about......10,000,000 times per day! damn, i might hyperventilate.

k, nuff from me.
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#64 of 207 Old 02-13-2003, 11:07 PM
 
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Originally posted by mamakarata
make sense? anyone else identify their main fears?
Yes, makes sense, totally. My main fear is always always always the same: failure. Every time.

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#65 of 207 Old 02-13-2003, 11:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wish I could narrow my fears down....I need to do lots more thinking on this....I have so many fears that plague me:

failure {especially like letting people down that I love}
losing control {like with my weight}
being late {failure??}
forgetting something important like paying a bill on time or a birthday, anniversary etc.
not being a good mom
not being a good wife
not having fun
not meeting my goals
not having goals
not having money

See I told you I needed to do more thinking on this! All very silly but I fear these things and I'm not even sure how to categorize my fears. : You smart mamas are helping me out here though. I like hearing your therapy stories and how you deal with your fears or weak moments. I'm learning lots of good stuff from ya here.

P.S. Dont worry about the emoticons, Megs Mom and Nuggetmom. I know you will do great on your week. See how easy it is to keep this thread going? I'll add Megs Mom to the end of our list/schedule at the beginning of this thread ...I hope that's o.k. Analisa. I hope the move went well. I hope our new mommies are feeling welcomed to our group.
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#66 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 12:07 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Breathe
So my question to you Zen mamas is, if we can identify our underlying feeelings to the extent that we get better at feeling them, and therefore are less likely to get angry instead of hurt or afraid, is the end goal that we should NEVER be angry? I mean, is that what Buddha would say?

...

Breathe amongst ya-selves . . .
El


Hee hee.

I don't think so. But then, I don't necessarily agree with Zukav's theory. Jesus was portrayed as angry when the money changers were doing business in the temple. Point being, anger is sometimes acceptable and justified in my book (and in my Book, hee)...

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#67 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 12:11 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by DiaperDiva
I'm going to jump in here if you all don't mind. I would love to learn to be a more mindful parent/wife/friend.

Although I think I do well most of the time concerning Kailey's feelings, I have so much to learn regarding MY emotions

Hope you'll let me join. Thanks.


Hey, DD! aving

Welcome! I haven't been on any diaper threads lately so it's nice to see you over here!

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#68 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 12:45 AM
 
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Originally posted by mamakarata
rejection
abandonment
intimacy
failure
success
illness
death


Which reminds me...I think a lot of my negative behaviors are rooted in self-preservation efforts from childhood. Which, according to my therapist, came down to a fear of death. Not that death was literally ever in my face as a kid, thank God, but that I have spent my whole life trying to keep myself from drowning in the overbearing, controlling, dominating Presence that is my father.

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#69 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 12:51 AM
 
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Originally posted by Breathe
Hmmm . . . not feeling very inspired by the Breathing chapter . . . and I like this anger discussion more anyway, so please proceed.


Funny, I felt super-inspired by it! I think b/c I've been feeling like this major hypocrite (wanting to be mindful, telling people I'm working on being mindful, etc., but not really being mindful at all) and I just found those two pages very reassuring. Being mindful is achievable. If I'm trying, it counts. If I'm aware of my breathing, ever, then I'm further down the road than I was a few years ago.

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#70 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 01:41 AM
 
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OK - I've been dying to get on here to post my thoughts, but I'm been so in the moment (yay!) that I haven't had the time to really focus on this!

About Practice - This chapter has had a profound affect - I realize how much we practice our bad habits. So I started out really focusing on how I was going to practice being mindful - really make it part of my daily habit. I then decided to take the KW Self Improvement challenge (a local playgroup joke.) I started by flossing my teeth of all things. Then I started just really staying in the moment and it was amazing - things just started flowing and we had some wonderful days together as a family.

There was conflict and I would remind myself to stay present - I'd ask myself "what does this child need? What do I need?" Sometimes I was overwhelmed and I would just walk away for a minute to gather myself - but all in all things were wonderful.

I then read the chapter on breathing (and now I"m jumping ahead) and the next one on intentional meditation practice. I started incorporating breathing into my morning routine and I even took 5 minutes last night while everyone seemed ok without me and I laid in a dark room and just breathed and watched my thoughts.

Then another amazing thing happened. both my kids feel asleep at 7 pm in the living room and dh and I got some "time alone in our bed"!

anyway - It is exhausting to be so "on" all the time. On top of all of this, I have been cooking and cleaning, reading good books and cutting out TV from our lives, while running a business from home. I'm beat and I almost threw in the towel tonight and bought fast food to feed us. But dh came to the rescue and made us dinner.

We are going away also, so I'll be back later - ic an't wait to hear more!
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#71 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 11:53 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by nuggetsmom
(Please don't judge me, since I am aware of the problem and indeed working on it)


Never, Jacq! You know us better than that by now! Sometimes I do the same thing, also working on it. Great stories! My DD is also full-on into toddlerhood, complete with power struggles, food issues, you name it. It's truly driving me crazy. AND, my DH is ALWAYS ALWAYS late. And it still pisses me off. When am I going to get over it and just expect it? We've been together 10-1/2 years now, I really ought to know better, right?

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#72 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 12:03 PM
 
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Originally posted by Breathe
Hi All,

Heather is going to be SO disappointed in me when she gets back!


Um, I doubt Heather will be disappointed. I think you are doing great!

I also use MDC, and the computer in general, to avoid DH. On the very rare evenings when Meg is down and we are both up, he's reading and I'm on the computer. Not good, like you said.

Great story about getting out of your body! I'll have to try it!

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#73 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 12:05 PM
 
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Originally posted by nuggetsmom
Because I can do anything for 15 minutes.


Hee! Yes! Good for you! I swear, thinking like this has changed my life for the better in so many ways!

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#74 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 12:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Deirdre
Did anyone read the excellent article in Mothering a few months back regarding tantrums? I found it to be very helpful. I realized I don't always have to make it "better", or try to make her stop Crying because it makes me feel bad to see her cry. I just need to be present for her, speak soothingly and tell her I understand that she is hurting.


Hi, Dierdre! Welcome back! Yes! I read that article and I think about it all the time lately. It has been so helpful to me when Meg is throwing fits (seems like constantly).

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#75 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 03:10 PM
 
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Ha ha

I am using MDC to avoid work. But now it si going to bite me int he butt because I have so much and I will have to work lte today and this weekend. YUK.

Oh, and our last ferret dies this morning. Very sad. We knew it was coming and I never mention it online because in California theya re illegal. But now we are again within the confines of the law. (I think)
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#76 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 04:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry to hear of the loss of your pet ferret, Jacq! Have a happy v-day day!!!!

Analisa~I like your therapy insights! I need to get a good therapist...dragging my feet..........

Iguanavere~You are busy! Thanks for sharing your story about how your mindfulness practice is helping you. I have my weeks where I feel so great and mindful and I love it! Then I have weeks that I am so NOT mindful and feel like a total hipocrite like someone else had mentioned about themselves. We just take it one moment at a time I guess. Reading everyone's experiences here has helped me sooo much to stick with it...even after days of

Gotta go tend to my other loves.....happy and safe travels to those on the road..........................
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#77 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 08:42 PM
 
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Mmmm I think I was particularly crabby this week and it was difficult to stay mindful too. But then I feel bad that I am not as good as at other times. The thing is that we really should not beat ourselves up about it. We are doing the best we can at all times, just sometimes it is not as good as at other times.

Oh, and I read in a Zen book that it is a really good thing to do. Pick one (short) activity that you do everyday such as brushing your teeth, and give it your full presence. So Iguanevere, I think I will try it too. I was also trying to do "driving meditation" as opposed to walking meditation I guess, and I should do that agian. I ws very powerful for me esp. since my commute is rather short.

see http://www.tricycle.com/buddhistbasi...editation.html

gotta go
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#78 of 207 Old 02-14-2003, 10:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the cool link, Jacq............ I liked the article, too. I have the link bookmarked to read further at another time.
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#79 of 207 Old 02-16-2003, 11:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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"Free Within Our Thinking" is the chapter we are on this coming week. Nuggetsmom, if my memory serves me right you are the one leading us. I know you were really busy working late last time we heard from you and your ferret had died. I read the chapter the other day and it was very short and sweet. I'm looking forward to seeing what everyone's thoughts were...which is really funny since the main idea of the chapter is trying to realize that we are not our thoughts or ideas. Oh well...it's going to take me awhile to get that thru my head.

Peace and I hope your weekend and Valentine's Days were sweet. Mine was pretty cool. Dh wrote me a poem...first time ever!! Thanks, again for your support of us during our retreat and the terrible disagreement we had that seemed like "The end" he and I.

P.S. Jacq. don't worry about using emoticons!!! I'm a little compulsive with mine.
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#80 of 207 Old 02-17-2003, 04:10 PM
 
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still working on the breathing during my activities. i love the idea of breaking it in to things like brushing teeth, changing diapers- putting it into 15 minute segments.

update: we passed our karate test (yea!) , and are now training for our black belt test. very exciting. in karate we work on mindfulness as well- in and out of the classes, so it is all working to tye together.

also, we marched yesterday in san francisco (my first protest) and were a part of something so big and beautiful, i cannot express how it felt. and near the end, i had to practice unmindfulness toward my feet from all the walking. it was all so worth it.

nuggetsmom- i liked your link about driving meditation. another tool for minfulness.

i notice this thread is quieter, but it is never far from my mind. i am still among us and seeing this club to finish this book. i sure hope everyone else is!

i am now going to prepare a snack breathing. walk the dog breathing, finish my laundry breathing.......
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#81 of 207 Old 02-17-2003, 05:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mamakarata~What a cool weekend for you! Thanks for the pick-me-up! I'm having a mindful day, but it always helps to see what others are doing to keep their practice up and to make the world a more mindful place too.

Dh needs to use the phone so I gotta get off-line. I hope everyone is o.k. and I will be curious to see how our discussion turns out this week since it is starting off so quiet, as MamaK mentioned.
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#82 of 207 Old 02-17-2003, 08:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Lately I've been noticing some of my mental "prisons." This chapter has a really neat poem that is helping me to realize so many concepts, ideas and such that are clouding my mind and wasting my time...Here's the poem:

"Be empty of worrying
Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison
When the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

Flow down and down always
widening rings of being." by RUMI

Have you really ever stopped to notice how complicated we make life... as humans and Americans? We preoccupy our minds with things we think we "need," things we have already and don't have time to care for, all the time we spend trying to acquire things or "wealth." I think of all the years dh and I spent trying to attain a lifestyle we thought we needed to be good parents...You know the education, house, furniture, clothes, cars, trips, and that feeling of accomplishment for attaining these things. Well we never did acquire all of these things and I am so glad we realized who we are is more important that what we have. We got ourselves in a lot of debt and sad situations trying to be who we were not. And for what?

Some days I get down and think I'm just a nobody. What kind of example am I setting for my son? Will he grow up being a lower class because I stayed home. Am I teaching him the right manners, and socail skills? It's all very pointless I know. That is one reason I really like mindfulness and this poem. It give me permission to release myself from these feelings of inadequecy (sp??) and self judging...KWIM? Am I alone in my feelings here? I am really struggling with this some days.

Off to try to figure this out somemore...and to try to free myself my my mental prison...free within my thinking...NOT hardly...but getting there little by little!

P.S. Please excuse typos....had to hurry! It's kinda crazy here today...dh is doing some plumbing work and he's all over trying to make calls and buy parts...very chaotic and hard to think straight.
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#83 of 207 Old 02-18-2003, 02:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyone else get pounded with snow? We got a foot the other day! It's so pretty! We're going sledding today since it is going to be sorta warm...38 or so. Here's a warm fuzzy or two for those that got blasted like we did in Iowa and the east coast! And those of you in warm climates...please be thinking spring for us...burrrrr.

Also, Mamakarata, congrats on passing the karate test and good luck on the next phase. I need to get involved in more mindful activities myself...yoga is great but I need more support and guidance IRL. My lifestyle needs a makeover..IYKWIM. inky

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#84 of 207 Old 02-18-2003, 07:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Curly Locks
It give me permission to release myself from these feelings of inadequecy (sp??) and self judging...KWIM? Am I alone in my feelings here? I am really struggling with this some days.
Ahh, I am the queen of self judging. Honestly I think sometimes it is because I created all this bad karma judging others. LOL

BTW, I love how you use so many emoticons. In fact it helped me catch on to your namechange right away. Who else would use all the emoticons and in the right places.
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#85 of 207 Old 02-18-2003, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Nuggetsmom~If you started bad Karma I dont remember it. And I dont remember you being anymore judging than I have been. I think we're learning and here for a reason. inky

I hope my next door neighbor isn't reading this. I just realize today (from taking the PPD test that is linked to MDC on the PPD thread) that I have PPD. I need some serious medication. I was on the way out of its grips when dh lost his job and I just realized today what is going on. I thought I was going crazy until I took that test and showed it to dh. He has been telling ppl for months that I had PPD but I always denied it and just said I had a rough start as a mommy. But now I know the truth and I feel a little relieved and scared too. Being a perfectionist made it easy to deny the truth and say I could never have PPD...Ya know?
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#86 of 207 Old 02-18-2003, 08:19 PM
 
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OK. I know I am quiet till tuesday usually. I am too impatient to be on the computer when I am at home and I want to spend the time with DD. Maybe that is a blessing of WOH because I try not to "waste" time at home. Of course MDC is not always a waste of time. I think this thread has been immensely powerful for me and I am here till the end with everyone.


The thing that really rung a gong (LOL because it is more Zen) in this chapter is
"we judge ourselves. THen we believe it. In believing it we narow out view of what is real and what is true, and our view takes on aspects of a self fulfilling prophecy. THis limits and confines us and ou children and it blinds us to the possibilities for transformation in ourselves and others because we carry around a rigid view of thinds that tends ot be fixed and does not see thinkgs in terms of multiple dimensions, clompexity, wholeness and constant change"

I was carrying on the other day about how DH is so different now from when I met hime and I was telling my friend -it is not fair. He should not change. Then I was complainign about the things he always does or never does. Thinking about it now, Of course he changed. So did I and so does everyone and all the time. Every minute we are different than the minute before. And this quote really put things into perspective about discipline too. If I can just see DD's behavior as being that, and in the moment,a nd part of a changing person, it makes discipline a nonissue. A small correction or reminder in the moment. I tend to put too much importance on it, and I make it too important how DH does things. He doesn't do things badly, just differently, and I get wound up because he is not reading everything and just doing. But who is to say that he would even read things the same way.

OK, I seem to be getting carried away. ANyway, Knowing that I am not my thoughts ~ I am also not my anger, and I am not my typos.

For me, this section of the book is very powerful and halping me with a lot of realizations about myself and the way the worlds sees me. And that it really doesn't matter how they see me. THey are just a part of who I am in reality. In fact, my feelings and thoughts are always changing. In fact they can be very confusing, and overbearing.
I am going to let that go.

I am always quizzing DH about his philosophy of life and his politics and how they support his and in turn my values. I am looking for things to be consistent within his explanations and these philosophies and the ral world. But the truth is that NObody and nothing will ever be able to be consistent because the truth really transcends all that. Everyone must have these conflicts inside, but they are just thoughts and feelings. They are not who we are.

WOW WOW. Like I said, I am really diggin this part of the book. At the same time it is confusing me and shaking up my thoughts and life.

Of course this causes a bit a a dillema at the work I do, becuase scientists are always trying to shape the hypothesis and theories to fit the data and the underlying assumption is that there is only one truth! But maybe there really are many.

OK. I am going to breathe and make hypotheses.
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#87 of 207 Old 02-18-2003, 08:22 PM
 
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What are the different categories we can put our thoughts in:
I can think of
Judging
Planning
Evaluating (is this the same as judging?)
fantasizing
worrying

can you think of any others?
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#88 of 207 Old 02-18-2003, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm brain dead at the moment, so I can't think of any others. I like your list tho. I'm glad you were inspired by this chapter. I've been inspired by it every time I've read it. I hope this chapter leads us to some more interesting convos. Wish I was feeling more able to contribute here today. I know this club and book is one reason I have been able to cope with depression for so long this past six months. The yoga, breathing, and trying to stay in moment help lessen anxieties a lot.

I'm reading PPD threads and going to try to get myself back to feeling better real soon. There are lots of great ideas there on how to deal with PPD. I know I need to make some changes or I may end up in the psych ward of the hospital. O.k. that was NOT funny!

On a happy note, ds is doing downward dog for show and climbed a chair today and is climbing down the stairs all by himself as of yesterday. He is making my heart want to overflow with tears of joy.
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#89 of 207 Old 02-19-2003, 12:02 AM
 
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I'm sort of enjoying this slower posting pace - makes me feel as if I can actually keep up!

I, too, really like this chapter. I teach, and before they even mentioned the fact that teachers sometimes make sweeping generalizations about students, I recognized that in myself and my colleagues. I was inspired to look deeper at some of my students - they, too, were someone's babes!

Jacq - yes, I think that there is a difference between evaluating and judging. I think that evaluating is sort of like taking stock - looking around you, figuring out where you are. It's like looking at the map. Judging implies assigning a value to that spot on the map.

Our (UU) minister just ended a sermon series on Islam with a sermon incorporating a lot of Rumi's poetry. Great stuff. Glad it spoke to you, Heather. Remember, too, that only a doc can accurately diagnose PPD, so be sure to see someone, okay?

Karen
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#90 of 207 Old 02-19-2003, 12:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm glad the pace is o.k. for you, momcat. I think it's good to take it slow when we need to. I will be sure to see someone. One of our LLL leaders here is a counselor. I need to email her and ask her if she has any ideas on who to see. I'm tired of these mood swings. I'm sleep deprived this week so I know that is part of the problem...and cabin fever...not getting my walks. But I still need to go see someone anyway.

Please ignore my babbling and T this week...or until I get some more sleep...maybe I can think straight about the book another day this week. :ignore
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