Mothering our Rainbow Babies: Babies, Toddlers, and Pregnant Mamas Too! Novemeber 2011 Chat - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 11-17-2011, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I figured I would go ahead and start a new thread as we haven't had one up since september. It usually gets busier when we put up a new one and I need some mamas to chat with!

 

Saphira is doing well. She was 1 month yesterday and over 9lbs:).

I have my days. I find it so much harder to bond with my babies that come after my losses. I don't know if it is that I am just so worried about them, don't bond properly while pregnant, or what but that is how it is with ds3 as well.

It is amazing to me how much my parenting and overall outlook on life is affected by each loss, not only the loss of my babies but the other losses that happen because of them; the loss of my innocence, my friends, etc.

I am going to my Subsequent Choices SHARE meeting tonight and am really really looking forward to it. The relationships I have developed with those women have really been a lifesaver over the last year+, I really wish I had found this group after my first 2 losses.

 

I hope everyone is doing well.


nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#2 of 11 Old 11-19-2011, 12:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Where is everyone? I know this thread has gone through periods of being slow but wow!

 

My SHARE meeting was good, it was nice to share some of the challenges I am having and have others validate my fealings.

 

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, this is when I lost pepper (at 8 wks) so I am having a bit of a hard time.

Also with a new baby not sure how much energy I have to cook. I guess we will see how it goes.

Any other US mamas have thanksgiving plans?


nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#3 of 11 Old 11-19-2011, 04:31 PM
 
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I'm not mothering a rainbow baby yet but I hope I will in several months! I'm grateful I don't have to cook Thanksgiving dinner all on my own; we're going to my MIL's house and she insists on doing the bulk of it (no complaining here). I'm so exhausted that I would have probably had take out fried chicken for Thanksgiving if it had been just us!


Wife to DH for 17 years, Mom to 4 girls (15, 13, 12 and 9 months), 2 boys (11, 7), and (13 wk mc 4/10/11), (13 week mc 12/12/11). (11 wk mc 6/25/14)
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#4 of 11 Old 11-19-2011, 06:46 PM
 
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Hi there - like MAnna, I have a ways to go before I can "join" this board, but theboysmama - something spoke to me about your first post.

 

I think I'll have a hard time bonding too - if this pregnancy ends up going fully through to the end, and there's an actual baby at the end of it (which I can't seem to wrap my head around), I do worry. DH wants to talk to my belly and bond. Last time I thought this was cute; this time I'm cringing. So I think I'm still separating myself from this one.

 

In any case, don't want to be a downer here - I just hope to fast forward to the end of the pregnancy...and hopefully have something to post here about adjusting to a new baby that's actually home with us. 

 

As for Thanksgiving - we're traveling, which will be tiring - but it'll be for almost a week and DS1 is very excited!


Living in a very large midwestern city with a wonderful guy, an AMAZING boy wonder, and 1 ancient cat. Missing our 2nd boy wonder, lost Feb 2011 during labor on his due date. Now possibly going back down the rabbit hole, with a BFP on 8/11/11, and a due date of April 10, 2012.

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#5 of 11 Old 11-19-2011, 08:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks to both of you for responding.

 

MAnna- fried chicken, fried turkey, same thing right;). Have fun at your MIL's.

 

exkandrmkb- have a great trip. Yeah, I had trouble bonding but I am able to bond with dd2 it is just taking a while. Usually it is instant. With ds3 (he was my rainbow after 2 losses) it took a little while but I don't remember how long. This just seems more, I don't know. I am absolutely in love and PAL was so worth it to get this little one here but it is tough.


nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#6 of 11 Old 11-29-2011, 07:26 AM
 
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My DS was a rainbow baby as well, and I never really thought about the longer bonding period as being a product of loss.  It took me about 2-3 weeks to feel like I really loved DS.  Up until then, I felt very protective and nurturing, but I had to grow into the "love" part.  DH and my mom were both all lovey-dovey from the first, which surprised me about DH.  Still, I'm slow to become attached to friends and pets, so it may just be my personality. 

 

Do you have any fun holiday plans coming up?  Suggestions on how to keep a super-curious two year old from destroying the tree?


Married to my loving hubby, proud mama to Ethan thumbsuck.gif (9/09) and Rowyn (7/12)slinggirl.gif  and aspiring homesteader chicken3.gif

Missing my twins, Owen and Sophia, born too soon, July 2011 angel2.gifangel3.gif

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#7 of 11 Old 11-29-2011, 08:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It could just be your personality but for me that isn't the case. I have had enough kids to see the pattern. Dh didn't struggle with bonding after my first set of losses but did after the second set. The second time around he got to meet both babies so I think that made it more "real" for him and therefore a bit harder to bond w dd2. She is 6wks and we are all smitten with her.

Holiday plans- this coming weekend is going to be a busy one. My ds3 will be 5 on fri. We have a MDA x-mas party on sat and the twinkle light parade that evening. On Sunday we have my subsequent choices SHARE x-mas party andi am really looking forward to that. Haven't really thought beyond this weekend.

X-mas tree protection- play yards work really well for that. The fence type ones are great for a large tree or just placing the tree inside a pack n play works for a small tree. If you don't want to fence it in then placing a playable nativity or train set under the tree and the safe ornaments at the bottom is helpful.

nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#8 of 11 Old 11-29-2011, 10:48 AM
 
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We always had a schizophrenic tree: The top half had the more delicate ornaments and the bottom half had all the cloth, stuffed, wooden, etc., ornaments That way if the baby grabbed a stuffed angel and started chewing on it it was no big deal. I think last year was the first year we really had a "normal" looking tree in about 12 years. (Next year, God willing, we'll be back to schizophrenic. (: )


Wife to DH for 17 years, Mom to 4 girls (15, 13, 12 and 9 months), 2 boys (11, 7), and (13 wk mc 4/10/11), (13 week mc 12/12/11). (11 wk mc 6/25/14)
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#9 of 11 Old 11-29-2011, 12:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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MAnaa- schizophrinic tree! That's funny. Ours looks less silly as the kids get older (and taller) there are more ornaments higher up this year. Last year I was distracted and cam back and the bottom of the tree was full and the top was empty. lol. Had to move the breakable ones to the top. This year it was more nicely dispursed.

 

 

I am so pissed off right now!!! My MIL makes the stockings for the kids so they all have matching stockings. Last year I asked her to please make one for Emeric... she hemmed and hawed (she didn't have the money (it is a felt stocking and prob less than $5), she didn't have the time, etc. Finally she said she just didn't want to do it because the loss was so new and she would make it for next year. Well it is a year later so I called and gave her the toe colors that we needed (we alternate blue adn green) and Emeric needs to be green and Saphira's needs to be blue. She started with the same thing...she doesn't have the money, saphira's stocking is only half way done, she won't have time, etc. I told her she promised me and had a year to start this knowing it needed to be done. She said "everyone grieves differntly and i'm not going to do it". What does that even mean? everyone grieves different? Yes I know that but it is my house and my kid and you said you would make him a stocking. I told her i was too hurt to talk and hung up.  I am so pissed, I am soo hurt. I want his stocking to look like the others and am so frustrated by her attitude about it. Holidays are hard enough as it is.. uggggggg. To top it off she is supposed to come this weekend for my ds3's birthday (we didn't have her on thanksgiving bcs my dad was here and it was just going to be too much so she decided to come this weekend and spend time w/ ds3 for his birthday). Ds3 is looking forward to it but obviously I am not. I don't want to talk to her much less see her and have her be a guest in my home. Oh I am just livid right now. Dh said that I am not over reacting and that she made a promise and it isn't up for depate. He is going to talk to her. Oh family drama sucks. My family doesn't have this kind of drama. It is so hard.

I really just want my son acknowledged. I gave her a necklace last year that had ALL of her grandchildren on it and now I am wondering if she even likes it because you know "everyone grieves differently".


nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#10 of 11 Old 11-29-2011, 01:32 PM
 
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Hello everyone - I don't post much anymore. I think it's because I was SO active here in the early stages of my grief after Emma that I sometimes find that being here is triggering. Also, we're not planning any more babies, and whilst I'm mostly okay with that and know it's the right choice for us, there's a part of me that longs to be pregnant again, to meet a new little life of ours and struggles with pregnancies just as I did immediately after Emma died, so I don't venture into PAL too much as I work through this new aspect of my grief.

 

However, this was an honest to goodness godsend in the very dark days of my grief and, even if I'm not here often, I think about the wonderful, wonderful women I met here - on the main threads, then TTCAL and then PAL.

 

Nicole: Congratulations on Saphira's safe arrival - what a beautiful name. I didn't have issues bonding with Toby when he was born but I struggled profoundly  - and still do - with terrible over protective anxiety about him and my two older children too. It spoils trips out sometimes as I really struggle not to be a "helicopter parent". I'm glad you are getting a lot out of SHARE (I'm guessing it's a loss support group) - I've just completed the training to become a befriender for SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) meaning I can help to run our local group and offer support to newly bereaved parents. I feel very privileged to be able to give something back.

 

And your MIL: Oh my - what a piece of work. Your DH is right, you are not over-reacting. Making Emeric's stocking is not about the way she grieves is it? It's about you and what you want for your son. I hope your DH is able to talk some sense into her, I can understand your reluctance to welcome her into your home.

 

MA: LOL at the schizophrenic tree. Last year, DS2 (then 11 months) managed to pull our tree over on himself. It was a fairly, flimsy light weight one with no breakable ornaments but I still panicked (see above for over anxious parenting!), rushed over to him, pulled the tree of him to find him happily licking one of the chocolates we'd hung. He was much put out when we removed it from him.ROTFLMAO.gif

 

Ekandrmkb: I'm sorry your little boy died. It seems our stories are very similar - Emma died at the very end (last 7 minutes) of labour, on her due date too. hug2.gifI wish you a speedy pregnancy and a baby safely in your arms, come April.

 

Anyway: Life is good here, mostly. I cannot believe at all that it's three years since Emma died. It feels like the blink of an eye and forever all at once. We are doing okay - I can look back and see how far we've come. I'm so proud of my 9 year old son and my 7 year old daughter who are amazing, who have grieved hard and yet remain happy, well adjusted, loving little people. And DS2  lights up our world. He's 22 months and is so happy. He's a little chatterbox and amazingly affectionate. He is gaining new words every day and my favourite is "Wuff oou" - Love you, accompanied by a big bear hug (and then a demand for milk - he loves to nurse!!). I have been through something no mother should ever, ever have to go through but I know, too, that I am very blessed too.


Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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#11 of 11 Old 12-02-2011, 07:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Jill,

I am so glad you posted, it is great to "hear" from you. Glad things are going well.

 

Several of my kids and myself got the barfs yesterday so dh called MIL and asked her not to come. She is disabled and gets sick really easy and then gets really really sick but it turned out great bcs I am NOT ready to see her. Dh talked to her and she really just did the same excuses over again. I don't know if she will make the stocking or not I just wished she had never agreed to it if she had no intention of making it.  We have also decided to cut her visits way back (she comes about ever 6 wks, used to be every month, and it is just too much) to about 3 times a year and that will be much more manageable for us. She is an awful lot of work.

 

I started a new thread since it is december. Head on over.


nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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