Encouraging stories - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 77 Old 09-20-2005, 11:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Happiestmomma,
I've been seeing Dr. Tchabo at Virginia Hospital Center, but I'm thinking of trying Dr Gwendolyn Patterson-Cobbs soon. She too has an office connected to Virginia Hospital Center. Dr. Tchabo is good, but I just don't really connect with him.......

This is the recommendation that I got for Patterson-Cobbs:

She does her own deliveries and sees you exclusively (not a pass the patient sort of place) . She's younger (late thirties and has three yong kids so you get the feeling that her sympathies lie directly with you. Her practice is called Women to Women and I believe that she (and her three equally excellent partners) are accepting new patients. The downside- her office is also cramped and crowded and there is usually an extra wait of twenty minutes or more. I had a terrible experience with my most recent obgyn in Fairfax and decided to make the trip back to Cobbs for my third pregnancy- shes that good. Hope this helps.

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#32 of 77 Old 09-20-2005, 03:45 PM
 
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Hmm, thanks, Faith...where Cobb's office located and where does she deliver?
Not that it matters much for the long run, since we'll have moved back to MD before our next child is born. (our house will be ready in the spring, so I'm really looking for someone to see for care...hopefully...before moving)
Thanks!
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#33 of 77 Old 09-20-2005, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not certain. But I think I remember that her office is at Virginia Hospital Center. I haven't looked her up yet.

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#34 of 77 Old 09-20-2005, 03:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ps----I just noticed that you said "before our next child is born". I love the hopefulness!

I decided today that I'm going to let go and let God's will be done. Just enjoy being with DH and DD and whatever happens, happens. I felt such a feeling of relief after letting go of my timetable for TTC. I'm so grateful for what I already have.


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Originally Posted by happiestmomma
Hmm, thanks, Faith...where Cobb's office located and where does she deliver?
Not that it matters much for the long run, since we'll have moved back to MD before our next child is born. (our house will be ready in the spring, so I'm really looking for someone to see for care...hopefully...before moving)
Thanks!

Me afro.jpg reading.gif Wife and Mom to modifiedartist.gif cat.gifdog2.gif.
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#35 of 77 Old 09-25-2005, 10:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *bejeweled*
Hi Happiestmomma,
I've been seeing Dr. Tchabo at Virginia Hospital Center, but I'm thinking of trying Dr Gwendolyn Patterson-Cobbs soon. She too has an office connected to Virginia Hospital Center. Dr. Tchabo is good, but I just don't really connect with him.......

This is the recommendation that I got for Patterson-Cobbs:

She does her own deliveries and sees you exclusively (not a pass the patient sort of place) . She's younger (late thirties and has three yong kids so you get the feeling that her sympathies lie directly with you. Her practice is called Women to Women and I believe that she (and her three equally excellent partners) are accepting new patients. The downside- her office is also cramped and crowded and there is usually an extra wait of twenty minutes or more. I had a terrible experience with my most recent obgyn in Fairfax and decided to make the trip back to Cobbs for my third pregnancy- shes that good. Hope this helps.
SORRY BUT I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING TO YOUR REPLY ABOUT DR. TCHABO ! HE IS THE BEST DOC YOU CAN EVER FIND HE BROUGHT BOTH OF MY BABIES IN TO THIS WORLD AND MY YOUNGEST 11 WEEKS OLD HAS DOWNNSYNDROME AND EVEN AFTER THE BABY WAS OUT HE WENT TO SEE HIM IN THE NICU 3 TIMES A DAY AND ASLO CAME TO TALK TO ME AS OFTEN AS HE COULD AND HE ALSO CARES ABOUT HE PATIENT VERY MUCH SO PLEASE GIVE HIM SO CREDIT AND HE IS VERY PERSONAL WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF HIS PATIENTS AND WHEN I HAD MY MISC. HE WAS THERE FOR ME AND VERY SUPPRTIVE!

WELL ALL I HAVE TO SAY 5 DUMPS UP FOR THIS DR. AND I RECOMMEND HIM TO EVERYONE ESP. IF YOU ARE HIGH RISK!!!!!!
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#36 of 77 Old 09-26-2005, 02:55 AM
 
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Alright - well I came to this thread looking for a little inspiration.

We had 3 chemical pregnancies before Nathan (positive pregnancy test - very, very light) then af on time or a few days late. With experience now I wonder how many were evaporation lines and how many were true pregnancies but I'll never know so I count them and I grieved them just the same.

Then we had Nathan - I was so sure I'd m/c him and I worried about his development too but he's perfect and wonderful and I thank God for him every day! I often wonder how I ever had him in the first place!

Since Nathan I've m/c'd 3 times - just 2 days short of a year from beginning to now. I've m/c'd at 7.5w, 8.5w & 9.5w. No explanations really - testing came out ok too.

And now I'm pregnant again - I found out just 28 days after the last m/c started. And I can't help but wish I knew what was going to happen. So often I find myself expecting to m/c again - it almost seems natural now. I worry that I don't "feel" pregnant enough even though I'm tired, queasy, emotional and crampy.

I can't pretend to know the will of God. I know that I have to trust Him and I can do that though closeness to Him or live in fear and still have the same result that the Lord has predestined - so on a moment to moment basis I'm choosing to take comfort in Him and His amazing plan for our lives.

He certainly didn't fail me with Nathan - there couldn't have been a more perfect child for me. I've never gone hungry, never been homeless or not had friends/family to lean on. He continues to bless me in so many areas of life - sometimes He suprises me with His blessings too.

Yeah, this first trimester (4w 3d now) will go by or it will end, Lord willing this baby will live longer than me! I'd love to hear any more stories if someone hasn't yet shared.
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#37 of 77 Old 10-07-2005, 10:25 PM
 
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I've had 5 healthy pregnancies (first child I gave up for adoption long ago), and then 4 mc's (last one 2 wks ago). I am almost 42, and I know I may just be too old. But I really want another baby! My husband and I have in recent years decided to just not worry about pregnancy. If it happens, we'll welcome it, if it doesn't, then that's just the way it's meant to be. But secretly, in my heart of hearts, I long for one more baby, so deeply. I too have heard lots of stories. I have a sister who has 10 children, has had 3 mc's and a stillborn (the twin lived). She has told me of a friend of hers who had 10 or 11 children, then in her early 40's had 5 or 6 mc's, then went on to have her last child at 45 or 46. So I feel very encouraged by that. My sister also holds her breath whenever she's pregnant. She never feels "safe" until a couple weeks before she delivers. I know that before my 1st mc, I never really thought about miscarrying. But I, like many of you, have lost my innocence. Never again will I take a pregnancy for granted. I feel so grateful to have carried this last one, even for a short time. Just to get pregnant again was glorious, to know there was new life beginning in me made me ecstatically happy. I pray that there is still another chance for me. Thank you mamas for listening to me. It has helped me tremendously to have you all here. I live in a small town, far from my family. My dh isn't much of a support when it comes to my emotions, and I don't really have any close friends. Where I live, 4 kids is a huge family, and 41 is way too old to be having babies (don't you know how that happens?). Few people bf, nobody homebirths, you get the picture. Anyway, having you all has helped me to get through this latest mc w/o falling apart. My eternal thanks to you all.

Liz
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#38 of 77 Old 06-25-2006, 01:12 AM
 
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This would be a great place for anyone who has had a loss to post their birth story, since many of the birth stories get mixed in with other stories in other forums, in which I believe that pregnancy after loss can be much harder than just having a *difficult* pregnancy and birth.

Many of us in the Pregnancy and Birth Loss forum and the Pregnancy After Birth Loss need encouragement to move on to another chance in their life, and this could be a place that we tell others that it can be done, even though it is a very hard thing to do, and sometimes to even think about.

Please feel free to post your stories of your birth, to help those who are going through difficult times of trying to concieve, and for those on the path to have another after a loss.
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#39 of 77 Old 06-25-2006, 01:21 AM
 
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Arianna Kharma Orion is here....!!!! (Updated with Pictures)

After being with my husband for 2 1/2 years, I finally got pregnant in December 2004. About a month later, I lost my baby. It really had an impact on my husband, but it was one of those *things* that I knew could happen. I decided to try again the following month, in which I got pregnant in the first month of trying. I made all of my appointments early, and everything looked well. At 19 weeks, I decided to attempt a VBAC in which the hospitals close to home had stopped giving VBAC's, so I had to move to another hospital in which due to insurance problems, I wasn't able to be seen. In those 8 weeks, my son died, he was 26 weeks old. There was no known reason... He was perfect in every way, but no longer living.

The reason for my son's death was unknown, at least mostly, until about 28 weeks in this last pregnancy. I was diagnosed with low fluid levels, and baby was having decels, in which the doctors believe that the reason why my son had died was also due to low fluids, and he had compressed his cord and therefore died.




So now I'm back from the hospital finally and....

I had a NST on Monday. My fluid levels were at 10.1 (or at least that is what she came up with...) but it took her about an hour to get baby to have a reactive strip. Finally, I got home after turning on my side and baby decided to wake up.

The next day (Tuesday June 20th), I had an ultrasound to make sure baby was growing as she should be since when I had my last u/s the doc said she was measuring a bit small. She was measuring fine, and was predicted to weigh 6 pounds 9 ounces. Then they went to see how much fluid there was and the u/s tech asked if there were some problems with the fluid, as she could only come up with 4.47, and I told her that yesterday it was at 10. So another tech came in and said, how did you get 4.47, I only get 3.37. Apparently, she measured one pocket twice. So I was sent up to labor and delivery where I was given an IV they checked my fluids again, and it was only up to 5.2. While at the hospital, baby had two decels, but otherwise looked healthy. They said that since they couldn't be induced, and that I couldn't go home since my levels were so low, and something could happen if I did. So, since I didn't want to be there for 6 weeks and baby was already six pounds, I decided to go ahead and consent to another c/s, but it is better to have a baby, then possibly have her not make it due to the low fluids during a VBAC.

The next day around 11, a nurse came in and said that I should expect to have baby around 2. I called up DH at work at about 11:30 and tell him to get everything ready and come down. About 10 minutes later, the anesthiologist came in and said it would be within the next hour... I told him no, and he said he would see what he could do. I called DH and told him he needed to come now... At about 12:30 another anesthiologist came in and said it would be in about a half an hour and DH was still not there. Finally he shows up at about 12:45. He took a shower in my room, and we waited about a half an hour. When the nurse came in, I asked her what the timeline was. She said after I had delivered, that I would go to recovery for an hour or so, and then I would be sent up to postpartum. Since you can only have visitors until 8 at postpartum, I said, well can we go ahead and get this started now, just to get DH some time to spend with baby.

About 5 minutes later the team came in and DH had to wait while they got me prepped. I was scared about having an epidural, but it wasn't really all that bad. They laid me down, and got my blood pressure stabilized, which caused me to throw up all over myself. DH finally came in and they got started. After a lot of pulling and tugging, I finally heard her cry. I felt bad, but all I could think about is that it should have been Jase. She was born at 2:17pm on June 21st.

They started to clean me up, and finally they brought her over. She looked just like me, at least that is what I think... DH went with her to the nursery, and I was sent to recovery for an hour.

When I finally got to postpartum about 4:30. I found out she was 6 pounds 3 1/2 ounces. She was 17.9 inches long (what does .9 mean????) and healthy. After about 1/2 an hour in the room I called the nursery and asked to see my baby. They brought her in finally about 6, after they did all of their stuff and cleaned her up. It was so much nicer than having to wait three days like I did with my son.

Overall, it was such a great experience. I only nursed one time with my son when he was 3 weeks old and it didn't work. I have been breastfeeding since the beginning, and she does so great (but man does it hurt when it start to get my uterus clamping down...) I got to go home after 2 days, even though you are supposed to be out of there after 4 days due to the c/s. Now I am at home and everthing is great, and....

Finally after being pregnant for 18 months, I have a baby!!!

Here are some pictures when she was about 4 hours old:

http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c3...a/Arianna1.jpg

http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c3...a/Arianna3.jpg

http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c3...a/Arianna5.jpg
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#40 of 77 Old 06-25-2006, 10:31 AM
 
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mary
thanks for starting this yhread. What a great idea. Maybe we can get a mod to sticky it. What a happy story. I am si glad you are home together. I was unable to open the pics but i am sure she is beautiful!

nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#41 of 77 Old 06-26-2006, 02:42 AM
 
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Mary, Arianna is beautiful. So sweet!

And both you and your husband look so happy and calm holding her. What great pictures.

I'm glad your birth was a good experience and yay that you're home with her, and I'm glad nursing is going well. I feel for you with those after pains, I had some major ones this time as well.

Congratulations, again.
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#42 of 77 Old 06-26-2006, 12:55 PM
 
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congrats once again and Arianna is so beautiful

tara
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#43 of 77 Old 06-26-2006, 01:23 PM
 
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#44 of 77 Old 06-26-2006, 06:32 PM
 
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Here is my story.

I had a miscarriage in '93, and then in early '98. Both were early (6 weeks) and I figured I'd never have kids. Five months later, it was a surprise when I got pregnant with ds. I spent a tumultous nine months expecting to lose him at any minute. I had three episodes of bleeding, was nauseous and sick for about five months, and could never quite calm down. He was born at 42 weeks. It took weeks to believe I had a baby, but it did sink in.

Sometime in early '00, I got pregnant with dd1. Unlike ds's pregnancy, I was calm, excited and happy. And it was a very uneventful pregnancy. Until the 36th week, when my water broke suddenly, and my midwife just left us to fend for ourselves.

We went to the hospital, too afraid to try a UC homebirth, with it being iffy on what week we were. She was born, doing fine, weighing in at 6lbs, and was 19 inches long. She stayed in the hospital for ten days, and during that time I did entirely too much running around and not resting. To say I was an emotional mess was an understatement. Both dh and I said, this was it, never again. No more kids.

In September 2003, despite being very careful, I got pregnant. At first, I was terrified and upset. I didn't want this. I still had nightmares about dd1's birth, how was I going to do this? Dh wasn't doing much better. I passed the six week mark, which was always my goal, and I started to feel a little calmer, and more excited. I'd always wanted three kids, maybe it would be okay.

At eight weeks, I spotted. Over the next two weeks after that, I bled, and miscarried. I was devastated. As much as I wasn't sure how I was going to get through the pregnancy and birth, the loss hammered home how much I had wanted the pregnancy to last. Dh was more relieved than anything, and that hurt the most. He went back to, no more kids, and I became obssesed with having one more.

As the months passed, I became resigned and hopeless. People kept saying to me, I had my boy, I had my girl, why did I want any more? I hated that. Wasn't I allowed to want one more or ten more, just because? Why did I have to justify my want?

Out of the blue, in September 2005, dh announced that he'd been thinking, and maybe one more would be okay. We got pregnant right away, and I was scared, just like I'd been for ds, only worse.

I made it past six weeks, past eight weeks. And then, spotted at nine weeks. I was sure it was over. The doctor said no, everything looked good, just like it should. The spotting lasted a couple of hours, then stopped. So I tried to breathe. Two weeks later, at 11 weeks, I spotted again. And this time, it didn't stop. Again, I thought I was done. Again, the doctor said no. They couldn't tell where the bleeding was coming from, or why, but the baby was fine. I was finally diagnosed as having an irritable cervix and that was that.

I bled for about two and a half weeks. And threw up, at least once, usually twice a day. Sometimes more. And everytime I threw up, I bled heavier. It was torture to go to the bathroom, wondering if/when it was going to stop.

Once it did stop, it took me at least two months to believe it had stopped. What didn't help was, once I stopped bleeding, I started having discharge, every day, usually in the morning. The doctor said it was normal, and to just relax.

I did manage to calm myself, by about 31 weeks. I decided to try to have a homebirth, and switched to a hb practice. Things were going along fine until 35 weeks, when we got rear ended while sitting at a stop light. The seatbelt tightened really painfully along my lower abdomen. I'd been carrying her low and out in front since about week 16. It hurt, bad.

We went to the hospital and spent three hours getting monitored, again being told everything was fine. I was released, went home, and then, around 11 pm it felt like my water broke. I gushed liquid all over myself and the floor. Back to the hospital we went. It wasn't my water, it was my bladder. The accident had moved it to a weird position, and I had no control over when it had to empty. They said my cervix was fine, she was fine, but most likely, this was going to continue to happen.

I knew I had to make it to May 26 to have a homebirth. I asked her to just stay in there, until then. During this time, my dh had to travel for work, and was gone, for almost three weeks. He was due home on May 26, and again, I wished that we would make it.

On May 26, I went to the doctor, got the green light to homebirth, was told everything was fine, and I went home. Dh got home around 6 pm that night, and we went to the store to get some supplies for the homebirth. I was having mild contractions, they felt like braxton hicks, so I didn't think too much of that. I'd been having bh for a couple of weeks.

We all went to bed, and I woke up around 5 am on May 27 with contractions about 5-10 minutes apart. I felt fine, otherwise, so figured they were bh, and went back to sleep.

Ds got up around 8 am and I got up to get him breakfast. By 8:30, the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart, and came on, suddenly. I could barely breathe, but couldn't believe it was happening so fast.

Instead of calling the doctor first, I called my mom, crying. She told me to hang up, she'd be right over, and call the doctor. In retrospect, it was pretty funny, as both her and my dad were like, why are you talking to us, call the doctor.

Dh, for some reason decided he needed to take a shower. So I was on the phone, calling the doctor, and then, I couldn't speak through the contraction. I threw the phone in the bathroom, telling him to give her directions to the house and crawled back to the bed.

I'd never had back labor before. I couldn't be in any position but on my hands and knees, and even then, it was so hard. The pressure was unbelievable.

My parents got there, around 9:30. My dad stayed with ds, watching Saturday morning cartoons. Ds kept running in and out to check on me. Dd1 slept through the whole thing. She didn't wake up until about 30 minutes after dd2 was born.

The doctor got there around 9:45. She was on the phone with the senior doctor, and my contractions were less than a minute apart. She checked me, briefly, right around 10:00 saying I was at least a 7 and a half.

I stayed on my hands and knees, and pushed dd2 out at 10:05 am. She had her hand up by her head, that didn't feel really good, but she was out. It was also a very strange yet good feeling to push her out while being on my hands and knees.

She was 8lbs 5 oz, and 22 inches long. She's the only one of my babies that was born with hair (dark) and her eyes were beautiful, deep blue. The doctor slid her up to look at me, and we stared at each other.

I couldn't believe she was here. She didn't cry, instead made a noise like, 'aha!" looked around, and then focused on me. I was crying, a really emotional, too much happened in the last nine months, and I couldn't keep the emotion in, cry. Dh was crying too.

Eventually, I delievered the placenta, and turned around so I could hold her in my arms. I'd just been bending over her, still on my hands and knees, holding her little hands. She latched on right away, and we stayed like that for hours.

Most of my family, the neighborhood and several friends came in and out, but I don't really remember it. I just kept thinking, she's here, and I'm holding her, and it's real. Also, for the first time since having dd1, I felt peaceful. Like, even for a couple minutes, everything was right as it should be.
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#45 of 77 Old 07-14-2006, 03:57 PM
 
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#46 of 77 Old 07-14-2006, 05:21 PM
 
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What a great idea for a thread. And congrats on little Arianna, she is a beauty.

Let's see, I first found out I was pregnant just after my ds's 2nd birthday. We were a bit shocked, we weren't trying to get pregnant and had planned on waiting till ds was closer to 3. But we quickly became very excited about the impending arrival of our second child. At 20 wks we found out we were having a little girl. But then at 22 wks I got sick. I thought I had the flu, but I realized that I couldn't feel Arawyn moving. At the hospital after tracking my heartbeat for an hour, and then several more hours of waiting they confirmed that my baby had died. I had a massive infection in my uterus and I had to be induced right away. It only took about 2.5 hrs from start of induction till I delivered her. I didn't push at all, she just slipped out. She was tiny and so perfect. 1lb 3ozs and 11 inches long. We held her and cried. It was December 21st, 2003 at 3:03 PM. She had only been gone about 12 hours by the Dr's estimates. I often wonder if I had made it to the hospital sooner if they could have saved her. I was very sick, the infection had moved into my blood. I was in the hospital till late evening on the 23rd. We had her funeral on Christmas eve at 9 AM.

We had thought we would wait 6 months to try again. But by the 6 wk appt I was getting antsy. My midwife said we were welcome to start trying whenever we felt up to it emotionaly. But I never stopped bleeding. We went through all kinds of tests, for four months I bled with no explanation. Finally I had a hysteroscopy (like laproscopy but without an incision, they go in with a camera through the cervix) and a D&C to remove a small piece of placenta. The Dr said we could try again as soon as I had my first period but they prefered that we wait more like 3 cycles. Well I didn't want to wait so we started trying. It took 11 months for me to concieve. But finally in April, almost a full year after the D&C I got the positive test.

It was a rocky pregnancy from the start. The test was very light, and I had some spotting on and off. But finally at 12 weeks we heard that wonderful heartbeat. At 20wks we were back at the ultrasound room to see that this time we were having a boy. I had expected a girl (but maybe that was just wishful thinking, or an overlap from Arawyn's pregnancy) but I had dreamed of a little boy named Tharen. And there he was on the screen, measuring large for his gestational age. I was so happy and soooo nervous. At 23wks I started having bad cramps. So we were off to the hospital. Spent a night in L&D, but we couldn't figure out what was going on. Finally an ultrasound revealed that my larger than average baby was laying over on my kidney causing hydroneprosis and some cramping and benign contractions. Everyone was shocked that he was only 23wks along, he was measuring so large, and definately strong as he raled against the ultrasound machine. I went on modified activity, and was more careful.

At 36wks I started dilating. I had been having contractions on and off for a while and was ready to get this show on the road. But of course he wasn't ready to come yet. By my 39 wk appt I was dilated to a 5, but still not in labor. I had my membranes stripped for the second time. My midwife estimated Tharen to weigh 8.5lbs. The next morning I had some contractions and headed into the hospital. At the hospital I was having contractions every 4 minutes and was dilated to a 6. My midwife broke my water and I started walking. But things didn't progress. By 7 that night I was still only at a 7 and in alot of pain. I agreed to the pitocin to try and move things along. But 2 hours later I had not dilated any more and I couldn't take the contractions any longer. I agreed to the epidural. Within 30 minutes of the epidural I was fully dilated. I have come to the conclusion that I freeze up and my labor stalls when I get to the hospital. The only thing that seems to help is the epidural. It's unfortunate because I would have liked a fully natural delivery, and I am afraid that a homebirth just isn't an option. Anyway my midwife turned the epidural back off and let me rest till I felt the urge to push. I napped for about half an hour and then we were ready to go. It took about 2.5 hrs to push Tharen out. When his head finally came through I heard my midwife say "well that explains it, he was posterior and face presenting." : Despite all our best efforts I did tear, but I didn't care. As soon as his shoulders were out I reached down and grabbed him and pulled him onto my chest. He was so big and perfect. I couldn't get over how wonderful he was. We had planned to leave the umbilical cord alone until after the placenta delivered, but we ran into a problem. I started bleeding and didn't stop, and the placenta wouldn't come. Finally Dh had to cut the cord and take Tharen across the room for measuring. My midwife checked and felt that the placenta was still attached in one spot. She called the Ob. About that time the nurse told me that they were taking Tharen to the nursery because he was having trouble breathing. I sent Dh with them and told him to stay with the baby. The nurses gave me a shot of something and then finally the OB and the anesthesiologist appeared. Just as the ob entered the room the placenta finally let loose. They dosed me back up with epi and the ob did an exam. The placenta had attached over the old scar where Arawyn's placenta had stuck and I had needed the D&C. It had torn and so I had bled baddly. I had to stay in L&D overnight, and was stuck in the hospital longer than I had planned. But it was all worth it. Dh came back with Tharen about the time they finnished my stitches. He had inhaled a bit of amniotic fluid, but he was fine. He weighed 8lbs 9ozs and measured 22 inches long. A nice big healthy baby. I couldn't hold him for the first 12 hours, I was too weak from the blood loss. But dh held him up to me so I could nurse him, and I started to get stronger.

Now Tharen is 7 months old. He is still a big boy, and very healthy. I am so grateful to have him here in my life. But I still miss Arawyn. Sometimes when I look at him just right I see her, but I think she looked more like my older son. His pregnancy seemed so long, and it was definately hard, but if I hadn't been willing to go through it he wouldn't be here. He is such an amazing child, calm and serene. He has this way of watching the world that is just so calming. I am glad I took the chance.
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#47 of 77 Old 07-22-2006, 03:43 PM
 
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Here is Evie's story

My first pregnancy with my little boy was very uneventful, and I was bleesed to have no idea how heartbreaking a loss could be. My next pregnancy was not to be so blissfully innocent and I lost the baby at 6 wks 5 days. This was very hard for me, but we decided to go ahead and try again ASAP. The very next month we got a positive pregnancy test, but I started bleeding 2 days later. At that point I was emotionally done and wasn't going to try again for at least a month. The night I was ovulating, I knew that I would be so angry with myself if I didn't at least try that month, so 2 weeks later, imagine my surprise when I was holding another positive pregnancy test in my hands.

I can not describe how anxious I was at my first ob appt. The NP did a quick u/s even though she didn't normally use the machine just so we could put my fears to rest when we saw the little heartbeat. It worked for about a week. My next appt with my m/w, we heard the heartbeat. At that point, I was living for the next m/w appt, so we could hear the heartbeat, and I would know that I had made it another 4 weeks. Around week 18, we found out it was a girl and she started moving more often. I thought that this would help allay my fears, I found myself worrying that she wasn't moving like she should. I was also put on blood pressure medicine, so my dream of homebirth went out the window. I wasn't thrilled, but my m/w had assured me that things would be different this time around and that by the time I would arrive at the hospital, there would be no stopping things. So, I was pretty much resigned to the hospital. Not my first choice, but I had made peace with it.

Fast forward to 36 weeks 5 days, I go to my m/w's back-up ob to remind him that I'm still *out there* and pregnant, and that I'm due at the end of the month. At this point, I'm pretty miserable, but I'm chalking it up to being so far along in my pregnancy. My ankles were huge and I just felt like crap. I was still working though. (I teach 5th grade.) I go into his office, and standard procedures. My weight had shot up though (12 lbs) and after they checked my urine, the nurse started looking pretty worried. Finally the ob came in and told me that I was going to get to go on to the hospital. I was spilling protein in my urine. I freaked out. I told him I wasn't ready, my bag wasn't packed, my legs weren't shaved, could I go home and get everything together, ect. Well, the answer was no, go straight to the hospital. (Because of the bp meds, my bp was still holding steady.) So, we left the doc's office, and I called my m/w in tears. I was so shaky at that point. I just knew this induction was going to end in a c-sec. She tried to calm me, and told me to go get a milkshake since I probably wouldn't have much to eat between then and when the baby was born. So we took Caleb and went to Mc Donald's (nutrious, I know). After that we went and checked into the hospital.

When I got there, I told them I was working with my m/w, and requested one of the larger birthing rooms. They gave it to me. So around 7 ish, we were in the room and my mom and grandma showed up. (They were on their way into town b/c my baby shower was the next day.) They stayed there with me until about 8, then they left with my husband and Caleb. While Jonathan was at home getting everything together, the dr came in and inserted Cervadil and then ordered an ambien so I could sleep. At that point I was at 1 cm, so I slept most of the night, or as well as possible, with the nurses coming in and doing the monitoring every hour or two.

The next morning around 6, I woke up and took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I put on my own gown. Soon Dr. F came in and broke my water, I was at 2 cm at that point, so it had worked a little. After he broke my water, I was hooked to the damn monitors for the rest of the labor. They sucked! Someone really needs to figure out how to make those things work on 'padded' women with a very active baby. Anyway, I called my m/w and told her that they had broken my water, but that I was still fine, and didn't need her yet. I decide I'm going to rest as much as I can. I was having flashbacks of my marathon labor with my first, so I wanted to have as much energy as possible for the end. So, I doze off and on until around noonish when Dr. F comes back to check me. At that point I'm 3 cm, but he decides to start pitocin.

After he leaves, when my nurse comes back in, I lose it. I'm crying b/c I don't want the pitocin. She's a wonderful nurse (actually was the nurse of the month/year/something in the hall) and worked with my m/w all the time. She calms me down and assures me that she won't "blow the baby out" that she's only going to give me enough kick start the contractions a little. I also call Nancy, and she comes on over. The nurse waits to start the pitocin until she gets there.

After the pitocin is started, the nurse kept her promise, and only upped it a little at a time, and I don't think she upped it more than 3 times. It was not as bad as I remembered. I actually told Nancy to go on and leave me so she could run some errands before I needed her again. She left me with her beeper number just in case. At this point, I'm still in denial that this is actually happening, and that I'm going to be holding a baby soon.


She was gone about an hour, and when she got back, I had a new nurse. She was awesome too and actually used to work in a birth center somewhere, so she was very familiar with what I wanted as far as no epidural, as little intervention as possible, ect. It still wasn't too bad and I was actually still dozing. The nurse would come in and ask me if I was still contracting every 3-5 minutes, and I would lie and say yes, lol, it seemed more like every 10 to me. I figured she could read her fancy machine that they wouldn't release me from and see how often I was contracting, she really didn't need me to tell her.

Around 5, they checked me and I was 5 cm, at this point my m/w had me "breathing" through contractions. For those of you who can do this, hats off to you. I could not get it down for the life of me and we all ended up laughing every time I tried, so we eventually went to me saying the alphabet. I would say 1 letter at a time over and over again through the contraction, then the next one I would say the next letter, I think I got through the alphabet 3 times before I couldn't keep track of what letter it was supposed to be. I was super anal about this too, and found that it helped me to focus on what letter came next instead of the contraction.

By the time I couldn't figure out what letter came next, I was ready for something for the pain. I had no idea how on earth I was going to make it through God knows how many more hours before she arrived, so Nancy talked me into another hour before they checked me and then we could talk. Although what we would talk about I don't know, I still didn't want the epidural. So, mysteriously, the hour flew by and when they checked me I was 7 cm. I wanted to cry and I seriously lost it for the next contraction. I had no idea how I was going to manage the rest of them but to me the epidural was still not an option. So the nurse suggested Nubain, but I knew that if I was 7 cm I could go really fast, and with her being so early, I was worried about her lungs anyway, so I was saying I couldn't do that either and I was just going to have to go on without the drugs. (In hindsight, I think that they were just playing with my head and wanted me to verbalize it, that I could do it and I was going to do it).

So, I had to pee and I got up out of the bed and before they could get the bed pan to me, I had peed all.over. the floor. After that I had a hellacious contraction and really felt like I had to push. I'm screaming that I have to push, they are telling me to go ahead, but I'm fighting it and just doing little pushes b/c this is the 2nd contraction after I was 7 cm. After the contraction is over, they check me, and tell me there is still a little lip and not to push for the next on. That was h.e.l.l. I screamed my way through that one. At some point Dr. F had come into the room and Jonathan now says that they were telling me that I *could* push b/c I was asking if it was ok as I was doing it. I don't remember it, all I remember was screamiing at them that she was coming and that they'd better get ready to catch her. I guess they didn't understand truly how close she was, because she shot out and the Dr. didn't even have time to put on his gloves to catch her head. The rest of her was born on top of the sterile gloves and packaging that they were in.

After she arrived, she was screaming her head off, so I sat back and was dazed that she was here and ok. It took me a minute to wrap my head around the fact that she really was here and that nothing was wrong. My m/w told me when I had my m/c that as sad as I was then, that I would be that happy one day. She was right, nothing can describe the peace and joy I felt as I scooped my little girl up into my arms for the first time. I still get a piece of that joy everytime I look into her big blue eyes.

Here is a link to some pictures
http://www.dropshots.com/day.php?use...0060604&cimg=1
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#48 of 77 Old 07-24-2006, 01:24 AM
 
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Here's my story...

I found out I was pregnant with DS in May of 2001. I was pretty young at the time and was nervous about my pregnancy and excited. DH was jumping up and down! The only dangers I knew about were risks of miscarriage in the first trimester. I knew not to drink caffeine and i knew once I was in the 2nd trimester I was safe. I wasn't even told about counting my kicks!!! My pregnancy was uncomplicated and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy 27 Nov 01. He weighed in 7lbs 9.8 oz.

To this day I still don't know why we waited long to get pregnant with our second one. I sometimes wonder if events would've been different if we would've had our second sooner. But I think I was pregnant with Bailee because she had a lesson to teach us. When I found out I was pregnant with Bailee DH and I were having some rough times. We were always fighting about petty things. My second pregnancy to me felt like "oh i've done this before. piece of cake!" I had terrible morning sickness for four months. As my stomach started to grow it didn't really hit me. I was excited of course to be pregnant and to be having a girl. My little girl moved so much. DS loved her (still does ). He would talk to my belly and by then we already had named her Bailee. He was excited about becoming a big brother. All of my tests were normal or negative. I had another uncomplicated pregnancy with Bailee. There weren't any red flags to make me a high risk candidate. And again I didn't know of the dangers or risks of loss in pregnancy. The last time I heard my dear daughter's heartbeat was August 22nd at my last OB appointment. The morning of August 27th, I started getting contractions and they were getting pretty close and in strength. I waited for DH to come home from school to tell him the good news. And as I was doing my regular duties around the house and getting ready for the hospital I never checked to see if she was moving. I blame myself for losing Bailee because although she moved a lot, I didn't count all my kicks. When DH came home we left to eat lunch because our hospital policy is to wait 2 hours before coming in. Two hours hit and so we dropped our son off with a friend and told him his sister was coming home soon. We arrived at the hospital nervous and anxious and ready to meet our bundle of joy. We walk into the Triage and start the process of getting admitted. The nurse grabbed the doppler to look for the heartbeat. She couldn't find it and we didn't even hear the swooshing of the placenta. She grabbed a doctor and a portable ultrasound machine. She said she couldn't see well with the portable so they took us into the NST room to use the ultrasound machine. By then I was crying and scared and DH was trying to console me. About four doctors came in and did the ultrasound and I can still remember hearing them say "i'm sorry. But there isn't a heartbeating" I yelled and screamed and cried. My baby was gone. I had never felt so much pain in my entire life. I wanted this little bundle of joy. I had gone to the hospital to have her and now I was going to give birth to her and leave the hospital empty handed. I didnt want to exist anymore. My Bailee was born silently at 1121pm. The room was so quiet. I was able to hold her and see our beautiful creation. She had so much hair and was beautiful. She was 8lbs 7.1oz and 20 3/4 inches long. She was 39 wks 6 days. The hospital staff took pictures and gave us a lock of her hair. She was peaceful. She was laid to rest 3 days later.

Tests were done to figure out what happen. In the end she passed away due to infection (chorio) and I ended up having Antiphospholipid Antibodies syndrome. It is a blood clotting disorder in which I have to take heparin injections and aspirin therapy during pregnancy and lovenox shots for 6wks postpartum.

DH and I wanted to get pregnant again. Not to replace Bailee but to bring a baby home. We were going to do this. And in a wierd sort of way it would help us heal. I found out I was pregnant in November 2005. I was excited, sccared, joyful, and felt guilty. I didn't want Bailee to feel like she was getting replaced. My doctor was wonderful. She was the one who delivered Bailee. She understood my fears and my nervousness. She saw me weekly from the time I found out I was pregnant to every two weeks. She knew we hated the doppler and used the ultrasound at each appointment to look for a heartbeat and show us that our baby was alive. All that lasted for 35 wks 6 days. My pregancy with DS2 was uncomplicated as well aside from the shots and previous history. I didn't bleed or had early contractions etc... We did have a level 2 ultrasound that brought us yet another blow. We were told that we had a 97% chance of having a normal baby and a 3% chance of having a baby with downs syndrome. With what happened before we felt like G-d was punishing us. We had to decide if our peace of mind was more important than risk of miscarriage. We did not do an amnio to find out. We waited the next 4 months to find out. At 32 weeks I started my antepartum testing. By then we were on an emotional seesaw.

As I got further along in my pregnancy I had been getting menstrual like cramps but nothing else. The docs were going to induce me 3 July. The night before she was born we ate Indian Food and during the meal I got a cramp that lasted for an hour. We headed to the hospital to be safe and had an NST. It was thumbs up. Around 115am I was sleeping then all of a sudden I felt water. I thought I had wet the bed. I went and grabbed DH and DS and we left for the hospital. The doctor checked and admitted us. I was given pitocin to get contractions started because of my history. Everything was going great. I was given demerol for pain. It took two vials of blood to tell me I couldn't have an epidural. The lab said the first vial didn't have enough so the nurse needed to get more and the second one didn't come back in time. I lost a good amount of blood that scared the heck out of me. I didn't know what was happening and the docs said I could possibly have a c-section if baby looked in trouble but she didnt. I passed a blood clot too. So after yelling and screaming and pushing I gave birth to Erin Bracha at 1001 am 24 June 06.

30 minutes after delivery she started to crash. SHe couldn't breath and her heartrate went down into the 50s. The nurse called code and the Level III staff came in, intubated my daughter and whisked her away. It was all a blur to me because of the demerol. When I was finally able to see her it was hard. She had tubes and IVs in her. SHe was hooked up to a ventilator and then a respirator. She was in there for a week before she was able to come home. In the end the docs think she swallowed too much fluid;more than she could handle.

I thank G-d for my family. He has blessed us with 3 beautiful children.
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#49 of 77 Old 07-27-2006, 03:13 PM
 
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Lynea's story

In April of 2005 I found I was (surprise!) pregnant with my third child. At that point, my dd's were 10 months and 34 months. Everything was great. I felt great. In hindsight, I think that should have been a clue because I NEVER feel great when I am pregnant, but I was just happy to feel good. At 9 weeks 3 days I start spotting and a few days later an US confirms what my heart already knew: my baby was dead. He (we felt the baby was a he) hadn't developed much at all, so we are not sure why my body held onto him for so long. I m/c'd at 10 weeks 5 days on June 8, 2005.

I wanted to try right away for another. We waited 1 cycle and started trying. I could tell all wasn't quite back to normal, so towards the end of September when I saw signs that things were normal, I was excted and very scared, also. 16 days past O I was holding a BFP in my hand and I started feeling the fear that would be ever present for the next 9 months.

I got tests to measure my progesterone and HCG levels. Everything looked good, numbers were rising well. The doc put me on progesterone as a precaution.

Then the spotting began. I spotted regularly, 3-4 days a week. At 7 1/2 weeks an US showed a healthy baby with a good heart rate. She was even moving her flipper a little bit!!

The spotting continued. No one could figure it out. At 12 weeks I passed clots and thought for sure it was over. As they started the US I looked away, and then I hear the tech say, there's your baby...and there's the heart rate. I just started crying. The baby waved her hand at us. She was fine.

The spotting decreased but continued. A yeast infection at 16 weeks didn't help. When I started contracting at 22 1/2 weeks I was sent to the hospital and hooked up to the monitors. The contractions stopped but they noticed unnerving decels in the baby's heart rate, so we had another US to check the cord and placenta. Everything looked great.

Everything goes swimmingly until 34 1/2 weeks, when I start contracting 4 minutes apart. After being monitored at the hospital for hours, they disappear as suddenly as they started.

After I hit 38 weeks the docs and I discuss induction. My first 2 dd's both had problems fitting out, 1 resulted in getting so stuck for so long when she came out she wasn't breathing and had to go on Oxygen Both went into distress at the same spot in my pelvis. Up until 38 weeks we thought that this baby was smaller than the others, but she had a growth spurt and we weren't sure if she'd fit out. I didn't want to be induced, but I didn't want to have another baby who wasn't breathing so I consented to be induced on June 14, my late grandmas birthday, when I would be 39 weeks 5 days. I knew when I conceived so I knew exactly how far she was, so about 5 days before the 14th I started talking to her every night, imagining myself in labor, and all that. I had been having BH mixed with real contractions for months, and the contractions really increased during these little bonding sessions. I was really hoping that she would come on her own and save me the trouble of deciding whether of not to show up for my induction.

All day Tuesday the 13th my 1 cat was acting strange. She was all over me. She knew something was up. At 10:45pm on Tuesday night, my water broke. I wasn't really contracting, so we went to the hospital to make sure we didn't have a cord prolapse and decided to wait til morning to see what happened. Contractions started a 4-6 minutes apart around midnight and continued that way until about 4:30 am. At that point I am uncomfortable, so I wake up dh and we do the walking and the ball and all that. At 4:45 I go in the tub. It helps for about 3 contractions until I feel the urge to push. I had been 4 cm going into the tub, 20 mintues later at 5:05 am I am 6 cm. Every contraction got worse, along with the urge to push. At 5:30 the doctor still wasn't there and I started pushing in spite of the nurse and dh trying to get me to stop. I was screaming my head off from all of the pressure. The doctor arrived and checked me immediately and I still had a lip on my cervix. Obviously sensing that I was not in the mood to wait to push, he pushes the lip out of the way as I pushed the baby over it, and then I started pushing in earnest. That was at 5:52 am. At 6:04 am her head is out, and she is stuck. Everyone swings into action. I had to change positions so the doctor had a better angle. Nurses were pushing on my stomach. I was pushing like crazy, constantly for 3 minutes. The doctor rotates her 180 degrees and she finally comes out. He shows her to me so I can see who she is, Lynea or Eamon. But she isn't breathing. For 45 terrifying seconds she is silent. Then they cut her cord to take her over to figure out what is wrong, and she starts crying. I was so relieved. I was exhausted and shaking hard. But about an hour later I was walking around the room and hugging my older dd's.

After a natural birth, I will never go back. I will never be induced again, ever. It was almost spiritual.

Lynea Grace was born weighing 9 pounds 3 ounces and was nursing as soon as I could hold her. She latched on and never looked back. I only had a 2nd degree tear, my best tear ever (I had a 3rd and 4th degree with my other dd's)

When I was pregnant I thought for sure she'd be the last one because it was so scary. But now I am pretty sure there will be more. I get the feeling that there is a Fiona out there waiting to join our family, and that she is getting tired of waiting for her turn .

Lisa, mom to M : 6/02, R : 6/04, m/c 6/8/05, L 6/06, and E 8/07
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#50 of 77 Old 08-15-2006, 12:40 PM
 
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My daughter was born in April 2002 5 1/2 weeks early by c-section due to severe pre-e.

We knew we wanted to try again but I wanted to wait until Cailyn wasn't nursing as much. When she was about 18 months old we got pregnant again and were thrilled the children would be about 2 years apart. This time we went with a midwife. At our 12 week appointment I heard the baby's heartbeat and was so thrilled, it was happening unfortunatly DH didn't hear the heart as he was in the waiting room with our very uncooperative daughter. At 16 weeks we went back and couldn't find the heartbeat, we chalked it up to the doppler not being clear and I went home, it was a week before Christmas (and in hindsight I knew something was wrong but wasn't ready to accept it). 4 days later I woke to light spotting and we went in to see the backup midwife who also couldn't find the heartbeat, then to an ultrasound that confirmed our baby had died about 2+ weeks before. We got through the holidays and nothing was happening so at what would have been 18 weeks we induced and had a very peaceful miscarriage at home.

We waited the 3 months and got pregnant again, this time we did an early ultrasound and then heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks. We then left on our annual trip to visit family for a month, while away we found a midwife willing to check for babies heartbeat at 14 weeks, all was good. we got back and things were going good so we started telling people, then we went at 20 weeks for an ultrasound and they found low fluid and several markers for genetic problems. We spent the next 6 weeks monitoring and trying to make sense of it all. We finally got enough fluid to do an amnio and the results came back with trisomy 9. That weekend the baby died and we induced the following week.

I took 6 months off TTC, I got in the best shape ever, went to a natropath and worked really hard on healing. Then we got pregnant again. Another 8 week ultrasound then at 11 weeks trying to hear the heartbeat (none) and another scan to confirm that yet again this was happening. We had a d&c that time.

Then I went to my GP and asked for some tests to be done, it came back that I had slightly elevated homocysteine levels which could lead to losses and there were a few studies showing possible corelations to high homocysteine and pre-e. I got on a high folic acid, b6, b12 regime for that and it brought the levels down. We got pregnant again, this time we declined the early scan, at 10 weeks the midwife heard the heartbeat. after that we rented a doppler for my piece of mind. At 15 weeks we retested homocysteine and it was still low. I finally told my family at this point. At 17 weeks we did a scan and things looked to be good. The pregnancy was very uneventful and my healthiest to date (though the most stressful in terms of waiting for something to go wrong) Kienen was born by VBAC August 2nd at 37 weeks.

tara
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#51 of 77 Old 08-26-2006, 08:14 AM
 
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I had three healthy normal pregnancies. When I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time I was so ecstatic and was certain this was a girl and all would be normal. I had even had my first check up and the midwife said all looked good. A week later I began spotting. I already knew in my heart what was going on. Still I prayed otherwise. A u/s the next morning confirmed it.

So I swore I would never get pregnant again because I did not want to risk going through the pain of losing another baby. Three months later I was looking at a positive test. I was so scared. I worried about every little cramp and every time I didn't feel the baby. It was about 7 months along that I finally felt like I could relax. And now today is my baby's 1st birthday!
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#52 of 77 Old 08-27-2006, 03:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It is so beautiful to see this thread still going. Your posts keep me inspired. Congratulations on the birth of your babies! I look forward to posting our story one day in the future. We are content with our dear sweet daughter. But who knows what God has in store for us......................


Me afro.jpg reading.gif Wife and Mom to modifiedartist.gif cat.gifdog2.gif.
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#53 of 77 Old 09-15-2006, 11:10 AM
 
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God Bless You All!!
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#54 of 77 Old 09-25-2006, 09:53 AM
 
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Matthias & Moses
“’Tis in my memory lock’d, And you yourself shall keep the key of it.” ~Shakespeare

My 5-week old baby nestles against my body as we lay in bed together. One small hand rests on my breast as if to reassure himself that I’m there. I smell his warm milky breath, his baby sweetness, moist and still new. He grunts contentedly and I kiss the top of his downy head. This is no longer a dream. Now it is real.

Last summer, one year ago, my baby was born and died. For forty weeks and four days he had lived inside me and I had dreamed of him. I had felt him move, had wondered intensely what he looked like and who he was. My husband and I named him Matthias. I longed for him to be born. My arms practically ached, waiting to hold him. I dreamed many times of breastfeeding him, kissing him, rocking with him bundled in my arms. Night after night my husband and I would lie in bed, watching my belly contort as Matthias did his in utero acrobats. We would talk about what it would be like to finally see him, to watch him grow. We’re going to have a baby in our home! Then he’ll be crawling, walking, talking, playing ball… These are the dreams of all expectant parents; parents who expect. They expect that they will have a baby, that he will live and thrive and grow. They expect that these things will happen. I did, too.

He came into the world so quickly. My early morning contractions went from mild to unbearable in two hours. Despite that, everything seemed fine until the nurse came into the delivery room, looked at the monitor and said, “Uh-oh. Where’s his heartbeat?” The pain made everything a blur to me, but I heard them ask my husband for permission to do an emergency c-section. Then I was being wheeled to the O.R. Suddenly the urge to push overwhelmed me and with three great pushes I delivered my baby, there on the table in the operating room. He was limp, blue, silent; six inches of his cord pinched tight.

With resuscitation, Matthias’ heart began to beat and a machine breathed for him. But his little body had gone without oxygen too long and 36 hours later we removed his breathing tube and gave his spirit back to God.

I left the hospital without my baby. I went home to a house ready for a baby. My life felt so empty, like his little bed, like my belly. In my mourning of Matthias I was also mourning the loss of all the expectations I had. All my dreams for him, everything
I thought would be was dead now too. The sadness of it all is something for which there is no word.

Seven weeks later I conceived again. Many things have been said about the proper time to wait to get pregnant after a baby has died. Some say at least a year, my midwife said, “Wait two cycles,” a book I read said no less than two years. But this was the proper time for me. Nothing and no one would ever, ever replace Matthias. He inhabited a place in my heart that was sacred and untouchable. We decided to get pregnant again because there was supposed to be a baby in our lives, not to replace or “get over” Matthias. And I believed I could mourn for the baby who was gone and look forward to the baby who was coming at the same time.

My pregnancy was both harder and easier that I expected. The hardest part was when I realized that this new baby really wasn’t Matthias and would not somehow give me back a piece of him. Deep down, I think I had hoped somehow to get him back. In that moment my heart said, “I don’t want a new baby. I only want Matthias back.” Thankfully I had a wise woman in my life who helped me work through all the conflicting thoughts and emotions. Because of course I did want this baby. And of course I wanted Matthias. To mourn and rejoice at the same time is a difficult paradox in which to live. The apostle Paul says it well: “Sorrowful yet always rejoicing.” This is where I was. But the Lord enabled me to eventually give my heart to my new baby as well as to Matthias.

As my due date drew near, I began to have vivid flashbacks. And I feared that I would relive the events of Matthias’ delivery while I was in labor with this baby (who we had discovered at 20 weeks was another boy.) Could my mind and heart be fully present for this new arrival when it had been less than a year since Matthias’ birth and death? I also feared that my emotions would be so unstable and that I would be remembering Matthias so vividly that I would not be able to bond with my new son. I wanted to be present for him and to give him my whole heart in those precious moments after birth and in the days following. But on the flip side, I also needed Matthias to be remembered. I didn’t want the excitement of a new baby to make everyone forget the equally precious baby who was no longer with us.

I can’t thank the Lord enough for giving us a wise, loving, deeply understanding doula. With her help, I realized I didn’t need to worry about anyone forgetting Matthias. He was a precious, unique child who will always be in our hearts. But this delivery was about this baby, and he deserved to have his mother focus only on him. It wouldn’t take anything from Matthias.

And we prayed. One morning I emailed a list of my fears to a group of women friends and asked that they would pray for me. A slow, unhurried labor. No flashbacks. The ability to bond and give my heart to my baby. They prayed, and that night I went into labor.

It was slow and easy. No flashbacks, just the eager expectation of holding my little son. I pushed him out with determination in a few mighty pushes. With my eyes closed, I waited for the sound I longed to hear. Piercing and strong came my son’s cry. Joy, relief, contentment and peace flooded me as my husband cut the umbilical cord and handed me my living, breathing baby. Moses. My son. He promptly peed on me and then found solace at my breast and in my arms. Did I have to work at “bonding”? Did it take time feel connected to him? Was it difficult to give him my heart? No. From the moment I opened my eyes after pushing him out and saw my son Moses, my heart was deeply, totally and irrevocably in love. I know it’s not true for all mothers, but the Lord granted that to me.

Matthias is not forgotten. He is not replaced. He is part of our lives and deeply imbedded in our hearts. Moses is with us, doing adorable baby things and soaking up an abundance of love. They are separate and uniquely loved children, as is my first-born daughter Grace. The Lord has given me Grace for 7 years, Matthias for 2 days and Moses for 5 weeks. Each one of my children has my whole heart.

slinggirl.gif  Melissa: wife todh_malesling.GIF, mama to 5 dear children grouphug.gif and remembering Matthias angel2.gif (8.9.05 - 8.10.05)

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#55 of 77 Old 09-25-2006, 11:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for sharing your story. I am deeply touched.

Faith

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Originally Posted by miss_honeyb View Post
Matthias is not forgotten. He is not replaced. He is part of our lives and deeply imbedded in our hearts. Moses is with us, doing adorable baby things and soaking up an abundance of love. They are separate and uniquely loved children, as is my first-born daughter Grace. The Lord has given me Grace for 7 years, Matthias for 2 days and Moses for 5 weeks. Each one of my children has my whole heart.

Me afro.jpg reading.gif Wife and Mom to modifiedartist.gif cat.gifdog2.gif.
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#56 of 77 Old 09-25-2006, 11:52 PM
 
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I have to make this short as I am supposed to be working on my schoolwork...MDC is more fun though! To all Mamas who have suffered losses - my heart is with you and I understand. Here is my story:

I had a miscarriage in 2000 at 11 weeks when I was 21. It was awful. I had another miscarriage in April 2004 at 7 weeks - it was three months after I got marrie d- we lost the baby on our three month anniversary. I was so devastated that I said I didn't want to TTC for at least a year...in July of 2004 I found out I was pregnant!!!!!!!!!!! My little miracle baby is now 18mo and will have a little sister in about a month. I send all who have suffered losses big hugs and hope this little tidbit of a story is uplifting...NOw I really really really need to go read for school - no more posting!:
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#57 of 77 Old 09-26-2006, 08:57 AM
 
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Thank you so much for the opportunity to post. It is so healing to write about and share such deep life stories. As others here have said, there is hope. I've been so touched reading other's stories and my heart goes out to all who have recently suffered a loss.

slinggirl.gif  Melissa: wife todh_malesling.GIF, mama to 5 dear children grouphug.gif and remembering Matthias angel2.gif (8.9.05 - 8.10.05)

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#58 of 77 Old 09-26-2006, 04:19 PM
 
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Melissa, what a beautiful, touching story.

I experienced two early miscarriage losses, in August 2004 and August 2005, which were absolutely devasating. I was found, in October of this year, to have a massively hyperactive thyroid, which seems to have highly contributed to my lack of being able to develop and carry a healthy pregnancy.

On Valentine's Day this year, I took a pregnancy test on a whim...and it read "pregnant!" It was a complete and total surprise, but very wanted and very cherished. Even though it's been a terribly high-risk pregnancy for several reasons, I am now about to hit 36 weeks with a truly blessed baby growing inside me. It's been a nail-biting experience, but I've found myself enjoying and cherishing every moment with this sweet baby, and I can't wait to meet our little miracle.
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#59 of 77 Old 10-11-2006, 06:27 PM
 
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Xan's story.

After our son Jericho died, we didn't want to TTC right away... we made love a lot, I think because it was the only reminder we had that there was some love and stability in our lives, but we used condoms.
Despite their use, I started feeling 'off' and had the inklings of being pregnant. I was very scared, so I didn't test for almost two weeks. Eventually I worked up the courage to, and when it came up positive I was terrified. I cried for days, and felt guilty that I hadn't been eating well, or taking any vitamins, or even begun to grieve for my son. It had only been about 8 weeks since his death and here I was already pregnant, albeit unintentionally.
We waited a long time to tell family members, because I was afraid they would all think to sweep Jericho under the rug. Now it's a happy time, so we can forget about grieving and death.

I chose another unassisted pregnancy: I couldn't do it another way after the peace and life-affirming experience I'd had while pregnant with Jericho.
Aside, 8 weeks fresh from a c-section and pregnant again meant another c-section just about anywhere I'd go. I was NOT having another. No way, no how. Even if I laboured a hundred hours I would not have another c-section.
I tracked less in this pregnancy, because I felt so guilty. I longed to apologise to my son. Even though I wanted this baby so much, I was afraid to admit to it, because in some way to me that meant that I wanted a replacement for my empty arms.
I was convinced I was having a girl, but I wanted a boy... Later on people suggested to me I convinced myself it was a girl because it would be too scary to know I was having a(nother) boy so soon after my first son's death.

I went between 1 and 3 weeks overdue: I never really knew my exact 'due date' and didn't want to. I had a lot of trouble being in touch with this baby the way I was with my son. Throughout my pregnancy I tried to address my fears of birth. i never feared it prior to my violating c-section experience, but now after failing my body I felt likely to fail it again.
I had two bouts of false labour that launched me into horrible panic attacks, which I believe stopped my labour. I was terrified, although I'm not sure of what. Having a baby on the outside of my body meant they were no longer safe. Jericho was alive and peaceful within me; he only started to die once he came out and his cord was cut. That in particular was always difficult for me: his cord was cut the instant he was out, and with that his lifeline gone. He did not survive much longer without that.

On the afternoon of October 3rd I went into labour with my (unbeknownst to us) second son.

--------------
Around 5am I started cramping on and off. It kept me awake until Curtis left. They weren't regular, and were pretty mild. Every so often I'd have one mildly intense one and then nothing. I told Curtis to go to work and if they actually turned into something I'd call him in a few hours. At 9:30 I was way too tired to stay awake any more, asked LC if she would watch Tempest for me, and went back for a nap.
I slept for almost three hours, only waking a few times, and when I got up I felt much better and the on-and-off cramps had long stopped, making them no different from my regular day-to-day braxton hicks. I had written on a filter that I thought they might turn into something, so I was on my way to call false alarm and then went to the bathroom and lost my mucous plug in a very big (and gross) way. I checked my cervix; it was around 4cm dilated with a bulging bag. I've never had a bulging bag before so I had no idea what it was at first. He was still posterior at this point so I gave into the idea of having three posterior labours! I guess when you don't know the difference it's not that bad.

LC and I decided to go for a walk down to the corner store for some drinks. We were gone about half an hour. While I walked I got mild, tiny squeezes every three minutes or so that really weren't that regular nor painful. I only had to stop walking twice, but not so much for pain as just for the intensity of the squeeze - they felt a little like someone taking both hands to the side of my belly and pushing it inward.
When I came home and sat down they spaced back out to ten-to-fourteen minutes and I barely felt them, but I had already resolved to call Amber and Curtis just the same. It was about 3pm, and I figured Curtis wouldn't mind coming home an hour early. I thought that real labour would probably hit late that night and I'd have him in the middle of the night, since all of this warm-up generally happens a day or so before the real contractions start going.

While I waited for Curtis I checked myself again and couldn't feel my cervix. The bulging bag and now part of a head were so low that I couldn't get my fingers in far enough to feel what was going on. I figured I couldn't be that much further in and gave up on checking. Real labour hadn't actually started yet, and the only difference seemed to be that he'd engaged. The braxton hicks were still barely on and off. Sometimes as far as twenty minutes apart and nothing to sneeze at.
I sat on the birthing ball in front of the computer and made my updates. Curtis came home about ten minutes later, and instantly real labour hit and the contractions were suddenly five minutes apart and intense. It was literally as though someone had flicked a switch. There was no gradual build-up to it at all.
I couldn't get off the ball; every time I tried a contraction would hit and I'd have to sit back down again. I ended up stuck at the computer for an hour. I was feeling rather ridiculous, thinking that I was going to have my baby in front of the computer with Livejournal up on the screen and how I could never again claim to not be addicted to the internet if that actually came to pass.

Finally I managed to get up and go to the bathroom. I laboured on the toilet for another hour, by myself. The contractions felt much easier on the toilet: I was able to focus more on opening up and made quieter, lower noises through them. I kept my fingers and throat open and tried to make my body limp when each contraction crept up. I had a little bit of bloody show at that point, and was still unable to check myself because of how low the baby's head was.

Curtis brought me ice water with a bendy straw and some yogurt and granola to eat. I had as much as I could, but was starting to feel nauseated and couldn't finish it. After a few more contractions I decided to try and fill up the tub and see if some of the warm water would help.
I ran the bath as high as it would go and tried to get comfortable. It was at this point that I started feeling that intense "nothing is working" feeling that is very typical of transition. Although I didn't recognize this as transition (also typical of transition...) The contractions were a little closer together, a little more intense but I was still waiting for them to get "really bad".

At the tail end of a few contractions I felt this very odd tingling feeling in my chest and upper belly. It was something I've never experienced before. It felt almost like a tiny urge to push, more of a nudge than an urge. With the next contraction I tried giving a little push and that felt pretty good, so I called Curtis in and asked him to stay. I still didn't feel like I was really that close to the end, and imagined I would be hitting transition soon. I always expect transition to be so dramatic that I cannot possibly mistake it for anything else, but this is my third labour now and I have yet to be "taken over" by one the way I see others experience it.
The tickling feeling started to get a little more nagging, but still didn't feel like a real urge to push. I held it in, not quite scared but a little unnerved by the speed and the idea of letting go of this baby. I asked Curtis to give me some reassurance that it was okay to give in and start pushing, and as soon as the words left his mouth my water broke with a huge pop that was audible even underwater. The level of the tub raised up by about an inch, if not more. There was some meconium (normal for postdates babies) and a little bit of blood. I felt his head come down very hard and the urge to push was now undeniable. I leaned back in the tub so I could raise my hips and get as much coverage in the water as possible. After only one push I started to feel a burning sensation. I had Curtis reach down and feel his head just as it started to crown.
The next few minutes were so incredibly intense for me. Not just physically, but emotionally. It was coming very fast and I had expected myself to be terrified... but I wasn't.
I applied counterpressure to my perineum to prevent tearing when I felt him crown at his biggest, and Curtis mistakenly thought I was trying to push him back in and at first tried to gently move my hand. It's a little difficult to speak coherently when one is crowning a baby, so all I could muster was, "No no no!".
I'm not a big fan of the ring of fire sensation, so I made a lot of horrible noises over the few seconds it took for his head to come out.

Once his head come out all the way the relief was instant. I reached down and felt his nose and eyes. He came out anterior, even though when I'd checked his positioning a few hours ago he was still firmly set in a posterior presentation. I had felt a lot of spinning and moving just moments before I started pushing and I imagine that's when he turned the right way.
I felt him rotate his body to prepare his shoulders for birth; the feeling was just like someone trying to pull him out and I yelled, "What the hell is that?!". Curtis didn't have an answer for me and didn't realize I was asking rhetorically. It was an incredibly weird feeling.
About twenty or thirty seconds passed and I gave one more push. His body flew out so fast he went almost clear across the tub. Both Curtis and I reached down and together we pulled him up out of the water. He was a little gray at first so I started vigorously rubbing his back. I turned him over one arm and slanted him downward, saying, "Come on baby, come on baby". Curtis tells me later this made him nervous, but I wasn't afraid at all. I knew he was fine. Curtis admits this was the point where he forgot everything I'd ever told him about how being a bit slow to start is okay when you're not clamping cutting the cord the instant they're out.
I saw him open up his eyes right away, he started grunting a few seconds later, and pinked up very fast after that. It always seems like longer as it's happening, but in reality that part was barely 20 seconds.

My mother, LC and Tempest were waiting outside the door and all came in to see him just as we were lifting him out. I vaguely recall my mother asking, "He's okay?" when she saw his initial colour, and I answered, "Yup!". She was incredibly supportive and calm through this experience, I'm so grateful she took what I had said to heart and been such a rock. She never tried to interfere and was incredibly respectful with offerings of help and support. She wasn't a "mother hen" in the least, didn't lose her cool and I'm grateful for her presence around me during the labour. It's a complete turnaround from how she'd acted when I was labouring with Tempest: fretting and busying and generally making everyone a little bit nervous.
Tempest wanted to join me in the tub, but it was pretty gross so I asked her not to get in. Instead she perched on the edge: "That's a baby! Look at that baby! That baby came out your 'gina. That baby is sad. Will you nurse that baby with your nipple?".
At this point we still thought Xan was a girl. He started nuzzling at my breast but didn't seem too interested in nursing. A few minutes went by before Curtis announced, "It's a boy!". He sounded almost unsure.
"It is not," I said. I lifted his legs to check, and then started screaming. All through my pregnancy I kept hearing his name in my dreams, I'd shared it with Curtis and wondered why it never felt quite right. We'd spent many nights sitting on the couch for hours at a time trying to figure out why it didn't fit when it felt like that was the right name. I kept applying it to a girl. In the back of my mind I would think, 'but it would be perfect for a boy'.

Less than five minutes after he was born Curtis pointed out that the placenta was sitting right at my perineum. I gave a tiny push and it came right out. We stayed in the tub about twenty minutes adoring him before I pulled the plug and had Curtis set up the bed with chux pads so I could lay down. I wrapped Xan in a clean, hot towel that my mother had just warmed in the dryer and passed him to LC so that I could clean off the placenta in the tub and check it over.
As I rinsed myself off I asked Curtis to bring me a half cup of water with a few teaspoons of chlorophyll in it to help rebuild blood supply. I drank a glass of ice water, and then sipped on some orange juice as I got into bed and nursed him. Amber arrived about ten or so minutes later and started taking photos. In the meantime, I called my father and announced the news personally, Curtis called his work (that he'd only left three hours before!) and his mother.

I felt so comfortable and glowing. I wasn't even the slightest bit sore. Everything just seemed absolutely perfect and... normal. Even though something so amazing had just happened, I could just get up and go on with life. After a few hours I called my LLL Leader and asked to borrow her scale to weigh him. She came by, oohing and awwing, took part in the weighing and asked me all about my birth. I promised to come and show him off at the next meeting (the 11th) and gave her permission to make a birth announcement to the email list.
Amber went and picked up Marian and brought her over to see him. I was up until almost 2am, nursing, making phone calls and letting it sink in that I'd just given birth. Life felt so undisturbed by the process; it was so quiet.
It's amazing to have a secret no one else knows until you choose to tell them.
A baby was just born and the only people who know of his new existence were those I wanted to. We had the opportunity to tell whoever we wanted, whenever we wanted.

We wrapped Xan's placenta in some towels, salted it and swaddled him up with it on his stomach. We didn't officially decide anything with it, but it didn't feel right to cut the cord so soon. When he was around 30 hours old, after the cord had long dried, it felt right to separate him. Curtis cleaned and boiled a pair of scissors and I spent some time talking with Xan and asking his permission. We put the placenta in the freezer, planning to plant it in the spring.
He nurses constantly: I don't know where he's putting it. He has such a tiny tummy and yet seems to be drinking more in a day than I do! My breasts were swelling by the time he was ten hours old - I've never been one to have to wait long for my milk to come in.


The initial announcement in my blog, with some really beautiful pictures is here:
http://babyslime.livejournal.com/358961.html

Pictures of birth here:
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...th/labour1.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth1.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth3.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth5.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth6.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth8.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth9.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...th/birth14.jpg

http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...th/xan1day.jpg

photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

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#60 of 77 Old 12-29-2006, 09:27 PM
 
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It has been wonderful to read all these stories. I finally have some time to add mine now.

Gabriel Griffin 10/2/06

I had my first loss- a miscarriage on 10/2/04 at 5 1/2 weeks. I went on to conceive again in early February of 2005. My due date was 10/25-my husbands birthday. We were so happy to be adding baby number 4 to our family. The pregnancy was esy aside from the early sub chorionic bleed I had at 6 weeks. An ultrasound relieved my fears of another miscarriage. I loved being pregnant and was enjoying the baby growing inside of me. I continued to run until about 29 weeks when I slowed down to walking 3 miles every morning. It was time alone with the baby to just bond and feel it move.

My world came crashing down on September 24th, 2005. I had been feeling very tired on the 23rd. Made myself sit down around 6:30 pm because the baby wasn't as active. I felt one movement around my belly button and got up to make dinner. Little did I know this would be my baby's last movement. I kept trying to feel the baby move all evening. I thought maybe it was just a slow day. I laid on the bed awake until 1 am when I nodded off for a few hours. I told dh about it, but didn't really express to him my extreme concern. I awoke at 4 am and came downstairs to get some cereal and iced tea in hopes of waking the baby up. Nothing. I kept moving my positions and nothing. When dh woke up I told him what was going on. He suggested we go to the hospital where I work as a labor and delivery nurse and have them listen to the heart beat to reassure me. I kept dragging my feet because I knew what they were going to tell me.

We got to the hospital and dropped the older kids with my mother in the laundry. She could see the concern on my face. We went upstairs into triage where I grabbed the doppler myself. I laid down on an empty bed and one of my friends came right over with the fetal monitor. One of the midwives in my group came right in with the ultrasound followed by the doctor. My worst fear was realized. They could not find a beating heart. My baby had died. I just screamed.

I chose to be induced and my midwife came in special for me. They drew lots of blood and took cultures. Surrounded by family and friends Griffin Patrick silently entered this world at 7:47 pm on Septemeber 24th. He weighed 6 pounds 9 oz and was 21 inches long. He was baptized and we got to spend a few hours with him. I was in such shock. Working where I work I have seen awful outcomes in the past. I never thought something like this would happen to me. We had an answer for his death. Upon his birth there was a true knot in his umbilical cord that had gotten pulled too tight. I have seen so many babies born with knots in their cords that have no problems at all. Why my baby?

I was desperate to get pregnant again. I got my positive test on Jan 31, 2006. I was happily expecting again with a due date of October 12th. Another physically easy pregnancy. I had another sub chorionic bleed at 6 weeks where I thought I had lost the pregnancy. I ran again, but this time only until 23 weeks when strange pulling in my abdomen told me it was not worth the worry. The pregnancy was full of worry, but I was trying to just enjoy it as best I could. Each day my baby was alive and I had to thank God for that.

I decided to be induced at 38 1/2 weeks. My first 2 came at 38 weeks so I felt that the baby would be ready. I didn't need an extra week and a half worrying if the baby had moved or not. In early September I scheduled the induction for October 2nd. Ten days before my due date. Two years after my miscarriage. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in early September and had surgery to remove the tumor on September 21st. My tenth Wedding Anniversary. The surgery went well. They had gotten all the cancer. We celebrated Griffin's birthday on the 24th and did a 5K walk /run to honor him. My friends from the running board arranged that. My mom was still in the hospital and not recovering well. They discharged her on the 25th. I picked her up to bring her to my house to recover. Sadly my mother died in front of me on Septemeber 26th. She died of a pulmonary embolus. I tried to revive her, but was not successful. Her funeral was on the 30th. I kept my induction date because my mom was more worried about me and the baby than herself. She even asked the doctor if she could postpone everything until after I had the baby.

On October 2nd I went in for incduction. Gabriel Griffin was born at 4:10 pm. He was surrounded by love. My dh,sister, oldest dd, sil, and 2 nieces were there. My best friend was my labor nurse and the same midwife who had delivered the other 4 was with me. My mom's sisters and sil and niece were still here from Ireland so they got to come and see him minutes after he was born. Their trip to America had a happy ending. Turns out he was born on the feast of the Guardian Angels. Gabriel my little angel. I was relieved to have him come out screaming. That sound has never sounded so good.

Griffin was not replaced. I think of him daily and am enjoying his little brother Gabriel Griffin. He is so loved and adored. He was a blessing to everyone. A much needed light after so much pain over the past year.

Patti
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