I never thought much about pregnancy loss until it happened to us.
I had had two healthy, "normal" pregnancies resulting in 2 healthy
living children when I became pregnant for a third time. We found out
on the same day, at 9 weeks along, that I was carrying twins - but
that one had died probably a few days before. We were very, very sad
and named our little vanishing twin "Sam," as we never knew if it was
a girl or a boy. When our daughter was born, healthy and fullterm, the
doctor was able to show us her twin's calcified remains on the
membranes/placenta. The loss was hard to process, as at the very
same time we were also celebrating our growing girl.
Something a good friend once said has always stuck in my mind:
that the soul of our little lost one became part of our living daughter,
as she is "spirited enough for two!"
I never would have imagined that we'd have a second, devestating loss,
or that I would actually make it through what were very dark days
of numbness, pain and grief;
Nor could I have imagined the gut-wrenching fear of "trying again"
and carrying another pregnancy to term just on the faith that things
HAD to be all right this time.
My fourth pregnancy was fairly uneventful, and we all were looking
forward to welcoming J.T. to the family. We knew it was definately a
boy, and when I went into labor with him at 38 1/2 weeks we had
everything all ready for his arrival.
The nightmare began when we arrived at L&D and they couldn't find
his heartbeat on the fetal monitor. I had felt him moving as I had
contractions at home . . . but some time in the past hour, his little
heart had stopped beating. What we didn't know until he was born
was that his UC had become tightly wrapped 3X around his legs; the
contractions effectively cut off his oxygen supply.
I delivered him a few hours later, and he was so beautiful. Ironically,
it was physically the easiest labor and delivery I'd had. Emotionally,
mentally, I was never going to be the same person again.
It both tore me and my husband apart and brought us closer than
I knew, even when I was still in the hospital that I couldn't NOT try
again. My DH felt the same way. My doctor asked that we wait 3 cycles
and then it was okay to TTC. I was very, very scared. I'm 38 and my
DH is significantly older. I feel that we were very, very lucky - or
blessed - or had divine intervention or a guardian angel watching over
us - as we conceived right away.
Being PAL was a long, tough, very scary road. Although everything
looked healthy and normal, this pregnancy was highly monitored
compared to any of my others. I invested in a doppler for home use,
and that really gave me peace of mind.
Our son Will
was born screaming and healthy via a scheduled
c-section at 37 weeks . . . just a little less than 11 months after we
lost his big brother, J.T.
Love and best wishes to all who are going through or planning a
pregnancy after a loss. MDC has been a wonderful source of support
for me over the past 9 months.
Please feel free to message me if you have anything you want to ask.Em