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don't really know how to acknowledge loss

648 views 4 replies 4 participants last post by  gypsymomma4 
#1 ·
Those that know me, know I have four kids, only a select few, know that I have also had four losses. even though more of our families social circle knew about our last loss, I still don't talk about it and really never have. When people ask about this pregnancy, I usually tell them it will be our fifth. I know the l need to address my grief better, and come to terms with it all somehow, I just don't know how. But, I am afraid if I continue to hold it all in I will have trouble bonding with this baby. I already don't talk about the preg, pretty much except on these forums.

Any suggestions or advice appreciated.
 
#2 ·
im sorry for the losses youve had and you do need to mourn but no one can tell you how to mourn or that you are doing it incorrectly. after my father died i shut down i closed off and was pretty much blank when it came to emotions, my mom was inconsolable, sobbing, crying, and she sent me to a therapist because she thought that my way of grieving was "wrong" or "damaging" or that ill have problems if i dont do it right. my DR told me that i was in shock and that is normal and acceptable, to this day ive really only cryed about a total of a few hours where as my mom still cryed now and its been 3 years. i went to my DR once a week for one year and every way i grerived was ok for me. if you hold every once of pain and despair in and dont have to release it all in a burst of violent rage then thats fine for you as long as it doesnt hurt you or others. talk with people you feel close with because even having someone acknowledge you are in pain for your loss will help and dont be affraid to read books on dealing with grief or loss they can be very helpful. in fact i was just given this book by my friend yesterday. The Grief Recovery Handbook.
 
#3 ·
s to you.
I find it generally hard to talk to others about my loss. really depends on my mood that day and how "strong" I feel, and if I wish to share my past news.

I think writing helps a lot. Maybe you want to write a letter to your lost babies, or just write something about your feelings. No one needs read it, you can release everything- fears, anger, etc- and burn it afterwards.

We all deal with grief in our own way. I hope you find peace.
 
#4 ·
You know, it's hard to acknowledge miscarriages because it's awkward socially. I have decided, for me, I am comfortable saying that this will be our second child. But I can't say I have two children, or I'm a mother to two. Because I have four children. I know it seems like there's no difference between this will be our second child, and I have two children, but there's a difference to me, and that's all that matters. Other people generally don't want or need to know what I've been through.

(I had a meeting last night, and during intros, the first person said she was a mother of three, then everyone else followed suit. I had to just say I have a son who is 4 and I'm expecting another in October. I couldn't say I was a mother of two. But it would have been weird in that context to say I was a mother of four. Then it made me MAD that I had to think about that in the first place.)

Usually, though, if someone asks how the pregnancy is going, I end up telling them the whole story, because I can't yet separate this pregnancy from the last two. They are all part of the story of this baby.

But I think everyone ultimately comes up with a solution that works for them.

If you just need to get it out...try writing. Or sometimes I find that if I have conversations with myself as though I was talking to someone else, that helps me process things and feel like I've talked about it. Or if you have a good friend you can call and say "hey, just listen to me for a bit" and maybe you need to do it 5 or 6 times, but bring them some food and talk away. Or, heck, if it will help, talk to total strangers. You'll never see them again, right?

I found that writing in my blog incessantly helped. I eventually stopped publishing any of it, just saved it as drafts, re-read as needed, and ended up keeping just in case.
 
#5 ·
I have been trying to journal, unfortuantly usually it makes me feel worse because when I think about the losses I feel they are my fault, and that I am a failure in some fundamental way. I am hoping that as I am learning to express these feelings, that I will also find better ways of coping with them.
 
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