Having a tough time.... - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-27-2009, 11:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have got myself into a mess. I am not really looking for information on what I should have done. I have already done what I have done.

My dd1 started school in September, and she has always had pica. Then the transition to school was tough. She has also been a *handful*.

Eating non food items, not really listening, having a high pain tolerance, taking risks, spinning, jumping, taking stuff apart, making a loud *concentrating noise* while playing playdoh, painting, colouring etc.

She seems to need to play playdoh, painting etc.and when she got into it she made the noise drowning out her surroundings.

She has always been a picky eater and no foods can touch, and she still eats with her hands.

Anyways....I made an appointment to discuss her pica, which has since been tested for...defiencies etc and there is no medical reason for it.

After doctors appts and referalls. I got a diagnosis of SPD.

BUT.....my dh has always stated he didn`t want our children to be labeled.

He tends to deal with negative situations by putting up a wall. And get angry at the other people (ie. in this case teacher, doctor etc)

So...I have told him about the pica and that they feel it is caused by sensory issues.

BUT not the diagnosis.

Now....they are have given some OT reccommendations.

And the want to do an IEP for next year in school. Mostly for safety (the pica and because she *bolts* away from people).

I am having a really hard time. I don`t want him to be angry. I want to present the info so he is open to hearing it.

I know I should have told him from the beginning and feel guilty that I haven`t.

Please don`t think I am an awful person. I felt, at the time, that even though my dh was not supportive of the decision to go to the doctor....I had to do it for my daughter.

How do I make this situation better......

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Old 03-27-2009, 12:52 PM
 
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i think you know that you are just going to have to tell him the truth - it's going to be hard, based on your description - but it is for your daughter and you have to do what is in her best interest.

i am sure your dh will see after a while that it is for the best - particularly when she starts improving from therapy.
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Old 03-27-2009, 03:06 PM
 
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I agree with the pp... you're going to have to tell him. But does he need to know there's a diagnosis attached to the problems? I mean, really--they have to address the ISSUES for her safety regardless of any diagnosis ("label"). What difference does it make? The school doesn't require a diagnosis for an IEP (by law, they have to address the problems regardless of the existence of diagnosis if it affects the child's ability to learn). So really, why make it any worse? Just tell him "Look, this is what she does (and he MUST be able to see that) and here's what the school needs to do in order to help her be safe".

Wouldn't that be enough? If a label sets him off and truly it's not required for any of this, why bother? Is it going to change how she's treated at home? Because it's not going to change the fact that the school has to deal with it.

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Old 03-27-2009, 07:58 PM
 
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If she had diabetes, or cancer, or hypotonia, or cerebral palsy or any other disorder that required treatment, would he see those as just labels or would he see them as disorders that required treatment? I see SPD as no different from any of these. It affects her quality of life and providing treatment will help her learn to handle these issues. Does he read? Maybe it would help to have him read something like "Raising a Sensory Smart Child". It may help him to see this as something real and to see what types of treatments are beneficial. My dh won't read books that I give him, but if I were to be reading it and read a few pertinent passages out loud he listens.

(okay, re-reading this, I can see that it doesn't make as much sense written out as it did in my head. My brain is non-functional today, so I'll just leave it as is and hope you get the gist of what I am trying to say.)
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Old 03-27-2009, 08:38 PM
 
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I'm sorry. Ths is going to be tough, but I think you need to tell hm. Here, the schools always put a dx on the IEP, I would think it is the same where you are. I would just explain to him that the school needs a label in order to get her the most helpful treatment, but that she is still your wonderful daughter.

It's hard dealing with that label. But, I will say that the difference between the way my DS's school treated him last year before he had his ASD label and the way the school treats him now is huge! They are much more accepting of him, he's not looked at as the trouble maker that no one wants in class, and he is getting so many services through the school that are really helping--OT, breaks, a one-on-one so that he doesn't run away (he did that all the time last year), social skills, etc. It has totally changed DS's perception of school, he's happier now.

If you haven't looked into getting it yet, I highly recommend the book: The Out of Sync Child. It's really helpful in understanding some of the sensory issues. There's a second book called: The Out of Sync Child Has Fun which is really nice too.

Debbi ~~ Proud mom to an amazing 8 year old DS who has Asperger's Syndrome, a beautiful, novel writing 15 yr old DD, and a handsome, artistic 17 yr old DS.
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Old 03-30-2009, 05:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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FuzzyOne--Yes I know I have to tell him....I hopes that he opens up to the idea.....he is in denial and it is hard to get him to see the things that aren't right..

heatherdeg--Well I have actually talked to him about a few sensory issues and he does see them as a problem at the time and then a while later he will say *all kids do that....don't worry about it*


lactationlady--yes I have been reading him little bits of info. Which he first agrees with and then says he thinks all kids do those behaviours at some time.

woodsymomof3--yes I do need the diagnosis on the IEP which is a tough topic to bring up. To him there is nothing wrong....so don't talk about it.


I reall hope I can get him to see it soon I HAVE TO make the appointment with the school soon!
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Old 03-30-2009, 06:05 PM
 
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.

I know its hard already to deal with these issues, but even harder when DH feels strongly against a label, etc.

I would encourage both you and DH to see that your child is special and different and will be "labeled" as such whether or a formal label is in place or not. Other peers and teaching staff surely notice her behaviors. By getting a formal label, there is a REASON behind these behaviors. This protects your DD tremendously. All it takes is one jacka** teacher who decides a child is acting out, being a brat, is spoiled, etc. to make for a horrible time for the child and everyone else. By having a diagnosis, your DD can get proper therapy, learn how to manage her needs, and allow all who come in contact with her to better understand her and her special circumstances, etc.

I meet with parents who are terrified of getting a label all the time. But special education is not at all like it used to be. Its inclusion inclusion inclusion. No more isolated classrooms separate from typically developing peers. In my view, it only helps to get as much assistance as needed to help your daughter be the best she can be. Like I said before, her differences are not going unnoticed, so its not really sparing her any kind of stigma to avoid a diagnosis. Does that make sense?

Has the school discussed concerns with you? It sounds like they have. If so, can you explain it from that standpoint as well? Its not as though you went and pursued this totally on your own, but its because DD has been a "handful" and is having difficulty at the school. I know its hard for DH to accept, but please remind him that she is being labeled in some fashion simply because she is standing out. You just want her to be safe, protected, and understood.

Best wishes!
XOXO
B

mama to Milena Anjali (4/26/06) and Vincent Asher (4/13/09) ~ married to the love of my life since 2002.
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Old 03-30-2009, 06:11 PM
 
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Also wanted to add a random story here that may surprise people.

I work with many speech students who are in general education/cognitively normal, but under the label of "special education" for an articulation impairment.

I had many parents balk at dismissal from speech for their 5th graders, because they were trying to get into a certain middle school and apparently the children get "points" for certain things. The more points you have, the stronger your application is. Apparently, being in Special Education gives you points. So these kids actually had a better chance of getting into the good school by staying in Special Education. It was rewarded in a way. Like "Here are my awesome grades, and I am special education as well" so they get extra props to get in.

I don't know what I think of that system. I really don't even know the specifics of it. But its an example of the opposite of what many parents fear. That somehow being labeled will hold their child back. In some cases, it can help???

For the record, I never keep kids on my caseload if they are ready to be dismissed. That would be highly unethical, but there are definetly parents that TRY it.

Dunno if that is too OT or not, but some may find it interesting. In some ways I like the idea, because it acknowledges that a child has overcome certain adversities and is still succeeding and thriving.

Anyhow, food for thought....

XOXO
B

mama to Milena Anjali (4/26/06) and Vincent Asher (4/13/09) ~ married to the love of my life since 2002.
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Old 03-31-2009, 11:51 AM
 
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I wonder if they can deal with the pica and the bolting seperatly without an IEP. My DS is a bolter and very sensitive to loud/bright highcharged situations and big changes. He dosn't handle them well.
BUT I told the teacher that I did not want any diagnosis AT ALL! he is to be treated as a normal child and with each "incident" they are to treat it as a one time thing - not punish him or seperate him over and over for the action. I told them that they needed to change things in the class room - not change him. The noise level it to much - teach the other student to be quite, keep the lights low on bright days, keep the heat down in the classroom ect.
They have been giving me grief over my requests but I don't want to deal with the doctors and therapists - he isn't bad enough, he is fine with mild modifications.
My youngest DD had ALOT of issues - she does ST/PT/OT at least once a week, had big sensory issues and a major speech delay. Her issues stem from a physical problem that although it is fixed the issues will be life long. She will need and IEP - not so much to get help for herself but to assist in integration in the classroom. He social skills are far behind (18M) at 3 because the other students refuse to interact with her because they have not been taught how to listen to her and understand what she says.
I understand her about 95% of the time now, and she is accuatly very verbal when she knows that she is understood.
In a classroom setting she stands at the back, sepertate from the others because no one will include her - in this case we will need and IEP that will force others to be inclusive of her.
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Old 04-01-2009, 03:46 AM
 
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This is going to sound harsh, but it comes down to this: spell it out to him, honestly and simply. And then let him pout. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are doing what's best for your daughter and he can either support you or get out of the way. My ex husband couldn't handle the problems my daughter was presenting. He tried to prevent diagnosing and treating for years, which is why my daughter was 5 before she was diagnosed autistic. I finally told him he had to get out of my way, he was hindering our daughter not helping her. He ended up leaving. My take on the subject? His loss. Your kid HAS to come first.
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