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My heart broke for my dd today, she's barely 3 and already thinks she's ugly:(

1K views 10 replies 10 participants last post by  RiverTam 
#1 ·
She was born with "facial difference" or simply put, she was born looking like a stroke victim on half her face. She is still a beautiful little girl and I have always made sure she knows that. I don't know who has been talking to her, we just spent 2 days at the family reunion and I have a feeling I know who was telling her she's not pretty or beautiful
This morning after I fixed her hair I lifted her up to see in the mirror how pretty it was and she just came unglued and freaked out screaming "I hate it! I hate it! I hate the mirror!" I asked her why because she's so beautiful in it and she was sobbing "I'm not! I'm not!" She was just in tears thinking she was not pretty. She just turned 3 last month, I am so not ready to deal with this
I figured we could at least make it to kindergarten before we had to start dealing with mean little kids teasing her
I called and talked to my aunt and she doesn't think anyone would have told her that and she said no one fessed up but who is going to admit to telling a 3 yr old there ugly? All I know is it broke my heart just as much as it broke my dd's
 
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#4 ·
I'm so sorry, that breaks my heart just reading about it. I am thinking that it's possible that she may have overheard someone talking. I doubt anyone came out and called her ugly (I've never heard an adult call a child ugly), but maybe they were talking about challenges she will face, or worry about how other kids will react, etc., and she took from that that she is different or ugly. But if I found out that anyone had said that to my child, especially if my child had a physical issue already, I would totally blow my lid.

I have no experience with this, so I may be totally off base here (or you may already be doing this), but one thing that struck me is that it might be a good idea to acknowledge that she looks different. She knows she does, and trying to pretend otherwise is probably frustrating to her. She may be only 3 (which does sound awfully young to me to be aware of this, but kids are pretty amazing), but it doesn't take much to pick up on what our particular culture considers "pretty" to be. She never sees anyone who looks like her on tv or in magazines or in books (I'm assuming, having no idea what she looks like). I guess maybe I'd be taking the approach of acknowledging that she looks different, but then finding some resources for showing her how different cultures and different people find different types of people beautiful. That there is no one standard definition of pretty.

Are there any support groups of other children who have the same or similar condition? It might do a world of good for her to be able to see other kids like her.

But I can definitely empathize with the frustration about how insidious the whole "pretty" thing is. My older son thinks I am fat. What bothers me about this is not hurt feelings on my part, but the knowledge that he has already picked up on the fact that at 5'8" and a size 8, I don't look like the "pretty" skinny girls on tv or that he sees glorified. He saw a commercial one time of a woman putting on makeup, and made the comment to dh that they should buy that for me so that I could be pretty like that girl.

I'm so sorry your beautiful child feels so sad.
 
#5 ·
I'm sorry mama. It is a very hard thing to deal with. I hope you are able to undo this damage.

I remember being a young child and knowing I was different. I was fortunate to not start feeling bad about myself until I was in school for a little while. Unfortunately my oldest ds started to be teased in kindergarten. I do know that parental and sibling support were very important to me.

Happy birthday to your dd.
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post
I'm so sorry, that breaks my heart just reading about it. I am thinking that it's possible that she may have overheard someone talking. I doubt anyone came out and called her ugly (I've never heard an adult call a child ugly), but maybe they were talking about challenges she will face, or worry about how other kids will react, etc., and she took from that that she is different or ugly. But if I found out that anyone had said that to my child, especially if my child had a physical issue already, I would totally blow my lid.

I have no experience with this, so I may be totally off base here (or you may already be doing this), but one thing that struck me is that it might be a good idea to acknowledge that she looks different. She knows she does, and trying to pretend otherwise is probably frustrating to her. She may be only 3 (which does sound awfully young to me to be aware of this, but kids are pretty amazing), but it doesn't take much to pick up on what our particular culture considers "pretty" to be. She never sees anyone who looks like her on tv or in magazines or in books (I'm assuming, having no idea what she looks like). I guess maybe I'd be taking the approach of acknowledging that she looks different, but then finding some resources for showing her how different cultures and different people find different types of people beautiful. That there is no one standard definition of pretty.

Are there any support groups of other children who have the same or similar condition? It might do a world of good for her to be able to see other kids like her.

But I can definitely empathize with the frustration about how insidious the whole "pretty" thing is. My older son thinks I am fat. What bothers me about this is not hurt feelings on my part, but the knowledge that he has already picked up on the fact that at 5'8" and a size 8, I don't look like the "pretty" skinny girls on tv or that he sees glorified. He saw a commercial one time of a woman putting on makeup, and made the comment to dh that they should buy that for me so that I could be pretty like that girl.

I'm so sorry your beautiful child feels so sad.
Bolding mine.

You know you might be onto something here. We are all different. We are all beautiful, but in different ways. Beauty isn't just looks, its whats on the inside to that counts.

Satori, I am so sorry. It hurts.


Do you have access to a child pyschologist that you can see for advice?

 
#7 ·
How terribly sad...

I wish I had more concrete advice to give here, but I don't. All I have is some experience, but I'd like to share it with you.

One of my friends from childhood (and still to this day) was born with a serious arterio-venous malformation that covered and distorted half her face. It was a challenge for her growing up as you can imagine, and I remember several times being out with her and people would cringe and say "OMG, what happened to your face?" thinking perhaps it was the result of recent trauma and would subside. She would calmly, matter of factly reply "It's just a birthmark", and on we would go. I am sure that over childhood, this was something that bothered her a great deal, but the message from home was "this is how God created you, and we love you as you are", and with the emphasis always being on her beautiful hair, her lovely eyes, her outstanding personality, etc.

Fast forward to this time period. My friend is now in her mid thirties, and is a mom and a wife herself. She has been offered an extremely promising treatment approach by her doctors, one that might eliminate entirely this birthmark that has been with her since birth. And you know what? She's not taking it. She is totally happy with herself how she is, and she says that she has always tried to teach her children that it's what inside that counts. She feels that undergoing medical/surgical intervention to rid herself of that part of herself would be hypocritical, and just plain old unnecessary.

I wish that I could say something that would help in the short term, but I just hope that at least you might be able to see that your sweet dd has every chance of overcoming these strong feelings that she is having, and learning to love herself as she grows up, just the way she is, the way my friend did.

Also, I don't know what your 'faith' situation is, but in the case of my friend, there was some solace to be found from the fact that in her belief, God creates everyone just the way they should be, and that we are all perfect in His eyes...

Good luck with your beautiful little girl.
 
#8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by wanderinggypsy View Post
How terribly sad...

I wish I had more concrete advice to give here, but I don't. All I have is some experience, but I'd like to share it with you.

One of my friends from childhood (and still to this day) was born with a serious arterio-venous malformation that covered and distorted half her face. It was a challenge for her growing up as you can imagine, and I remember several times being out with her and people would cringe and say "OMG, what happened to your face?" thinking perhaps it was the result of recent trauma and would subside. She would calmly, matter of factly reply "It's just a birthmark", and on we would go. I am sure that over childhood, this was something that bothered her a great deal, but the message from home was "this is how God created you, and we love you as you are", and with the emphasis always being on her beautiful hair, her lovely eyes, her outstanding personality, etc.
We get this a lot and so help me some days I feel like asking "whats wrong with your face!? OMG, your nose! Its just huge! or pointing out some minor detail
I wouldn't but I dang near did today!

Anyway I had to drop her off at daycare today while I got my MRI & DEXA scan done and as soon as we pulled in she got upset, really upset and was balling her little eyes out and saying she didn't want to go. Now this is VERY UNUSUAL for dd, she LOVES LOVES LOVES daycare, every kid there is special needs and they all get various treatments that she recognizes and gets herself like breathing treatments, blood sugar checks and such. I can only think of 1 kid who's face is what would be considered "normal" as in you wouldn't think the kid had anything wrong with him. To tell you the truth, I don't even know whats wrong with the kid that requires him to have nursing care. Anyway, point is, everyone looks different so she does see lots of other kids who are not "perfect" ifkwim. Anyway I had to leave her, we were already an hour from home and my appt was in 20 minutes and I could not miss it (broke my hip and they finally were able to see on it on MRI when it wasn't showing on the xrays, flippin HURTS!
) Anyway I got her inside and she was still crying and clinging to me which was making me feel like total crap
I explained to her nurse about what happened and how I had thought maybe it was someone at the family reunion that said something but based on how she's acting right then and the fact that she said the person who said mean things to her was at daycare when we got there something was up. Her other nurse noticed she hasn't been as happy as usual the past week when she's there and commented on it too. I remembered they had nursing students there last week and wondered if one of them said something to her or she over heard them commenting about it. She hoped I was wrong but thought it was possible since they would not have been sensitized to the sensitivity of working with children who are "different". Anyway, came back 3 hours laster (I did call and check on her between scans and they said she was fine after 5 minutes and was happy playing) and the nurse remembered they had a new kid last week, a little girl who is 7 and in first grade at a public school and she has serious facial issues and has been teased at school a lot. She thought it was quite possible its the little girl who has been making my baby cry.
I need to find out who this new kid is and possibly make sure dd is not there when the girl is is she's the problem. dd was a happy camper when I picked her up and wanted to know when she could come back which made me feel a whole lot better about leaving her, Also, dd is back to thinking she is a pretty princess
 
#9 ·
I know this doesn't address the whole problem, just something to try to help your dd feel better.....

The book, "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" suggests praising with specific description instead of a summary word like "beautiful." For example, you could say, "I love your bright, excited eyes" and "I love the color of your hair, it is just like your daddy's" or anything that makes her look beautiful to you. Everyone (adults and children alike) is more likely to believe praise when it is given this way.
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Satori View Post
She was born with "facial difference" or simply put, she was born looking like a stroke victim on half her face. She is still a beautiful little girl and I have always made sure she knows that. I don't know who has been talking to her, we just spent 2 days at the family reunion and I have a feeling I know who was telling her she's not pretty or beautiful
This morning after I fixed her hair I lifted her up to see in the mirror how pretty it was and she just came unglued and freaked out screaming "I hate it! I hate it! I hate the mirror!" I asked her why because she's so beautiful in it and she was sobbing "I'm not! I'm not!" She was just in tears thinking she was not pretty. She just turned 3 last month, I am so not ready to deal with this
I figured we could at least make it to kindergarten before we had to start dealing with mean little kids teasing her
I called and talked to my aunt and she doesn't think anyone would have told her that and she said no one fessed up but who is going to admit to telling a 3 yr old there ugly? All I know is it broke my heart just as much as it broke my dd's

Big hug for you and your daughter.

I would be so tempted to take her out for a shopping spree after that -- a new princess dress and a pretty haircut and some new fingernail polish for that kid, for sure.

Poor baby.
 
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