Oh, the guilt! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 07-01-2010, 11:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have three kids. My oldest has aspergers that was not diagnosed until she was in preschool/early school years.

My middle child will be two on the 10th of this month, and has no real language beyond occasional mimicry yet. He is PDD-NOS, along with some other challenges.

My youngest is nine months old. And I feel SO guilty reveling in the 'normalcy' of his babyhood. He recently started purposefully calling me Mama. He is cruising furniture at a much earlier age, and I expect he may walk alone closer to one year than 18 months (my older kids were very late walkers).

So, because things are so 'normal', I find myself relaxing and enjoying that. Hearing him call me Mama was amazing.. and kind of healing, in an odd way (his older brother has never called me mama, though he does occasionally say 'Dad'.) Here's the problem- I feel entirely guilty for enjoying this with him, as though somehow celebrating the milestones he is meeting is somehow wrong because his older brother isn't hitting them in the same way.

Anyone else find themselves creating guilt about things like this?
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#2 of 6 Old 07-12-2010, 04:15 AM
 
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It can be hard but don't feel guilty mama! Enjoy these milestones!

To me it was a relief to see my youngest do things my son never did- people couldn't blame poor parenting anymore! Not that I am the world's best mother, sigh, but confirming that I didn't cause my child's autism through parenting choices was definitely relieving.

In fact, as my youngest grew older, the differences I saw ended up fueling a diagnosis for my older son. So I am very grateful for his little brother helping confirm what was really going on.

Mama to my spirited J, and L, my homebirth: baby especially DTaP, MMR (family vax injuries)
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#3 of 6 Old 07-12-2010, 10:33 AM
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I know what you mean - I have one with ADHD and one with SPD/langauge disorder. I have 2 NT kids, including one who is a gifted athlete. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so good about his successes on the playing field and in other parts of his life when his siblings struggle so much more. I find myself thinking "thank God I don't have to worry about THIS or THAT" when I observe my NT kids. Mostly I feel glad for them that they will have things easier than their siblings.

However, I have tried not to feel guilty, but to enjoy each child individually for who they are. They all have gifts and areas where they are unique, it is Ok to celebrate the milestones and accomplishments of your NT son. He deserves that. I actually often feel guilty for the extra time I spend with my ADHD son helping him do homework or complete projects and the time I spend with my SPD son taking him to therapies and doing things for his sensory diet and trying to find things for him to do. Often I feel my NT kids get the shaft as far as my time is concerned. They are both a little "needy" and I know it is because they don't get as much of my time as they should.

All we can do is our best. Enjoy all your kids!! It is OK to bask in the "normalcy" of your youngest child. It is probably a relief in many ways!!
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#4 of 6 Old 07-12-2010, 01:14 PM
 
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I often feel bad for my younger son who seems to have no concerns and way ahead of my 1st son..

I just try to do small things like take him to the store. Spend the extra time cuddles or even staying up a little later for extra mommy daddy time.

I thinks it is normal.. I give you a huge hug of support
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#5 of 6 Old 07-12-2010, 05:31 PM
 
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Don't feel bad! My oldest was PDD-NOS for a while and now classic autism ... it is difficult. When his younger brother met all his milestones (especially speech!!!) and showed/shows me affection I'm elated. I didn't realize how different it could be. For us -- having neuro-typical children really helped us adjust better to everything and especially helped our oldest who tries to mimic what his younger siblings are doing.
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#6 of 6 Old 07-13-2010, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adamsmama View Post
and especially helped our oldest who tries to mimic what his younger siblings are doing.
This is showing itself to be remarkably true in our case. Two year old DS1 seems to be mimicing his 10 month old younger brother. The last home visit we had with EI they noticed this as well. DS 2 is very 'on' in terms of milestones, and even edging towards advanced here and there, and DS 1 seems to be learning as he does, in many ways, they are more like twins than traditional siblings at this point. We'll see what happens as we move forward.

Thank you all for your reassurances, it can be hard to put the guilt aside at times.
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