Originally Posted by J. Jones
But you were asking for discipline techniques, as if that would solve your problem.
Yes, I was. Specifically, I was hoping for tips on helping children who have impulse control challenges learn to make choices that positively benefit them in the long-term, even if they require harder work in the short term. I was also hoping someone might have information about helping children with ADHD -- not any "challenging kid," but a kid whose prefrontal cortex is shaped by ADHD -- to actually learn from the natural or logical consequences they experience from their actions.
The origin of the word "discipline" is to guide/teach. That's what I meant when I used it, and I shouldn't have to explain that on a natural parenting website that focuses on "gentle discipline." I think we can assume of one another, that this is generally what we are talking about when we talk about discipline.
I received helpful responses from many posters. I didn't hear anything new, but I received some good reminders.
|I don't know any parent who couldn't be helped by digging a little deeper into the love and attachment reservoirs, especially those of us w challenging kids.
Sure, we could all dig a little deeper in countless areas of our life (though I must say, as much as some folks could dig deeper with attachment, rare would be the parent whose deficit is love for their child...and I certainly don't think any parent on this site, who comes here seeking help because she knows she needs it when she is tired and burnt out by an acute issue, deserves to have her love for her child questioned...that's mean beyond a level I've seen here in a while). However, let me introduce you to a parent who has worked for years on a therapeutic level on attachment with her child...the digging has been done, friend.
You didn't take the time to ask, without judgement, what happened before I went to the kitchen to do dishes. You didn't take the time to ask what our family's day had been like or anything that qualified you to call my daughter lonely and to say that the problem is she isn't loved unconditionally.
The issue that prompted me to make my post didn't stem from not loving my child or not being attached enough to my child. It stemmed from my child spending ten minutes with her brother in the living room while I did the dishes. She wasn't lonely. She had my attention for most of the day, including in the moments prior to me going into the kitchen. She had her brother keeping her company while she was in there, and she enjoys his company and is often able to play with him happily. The issue stemmed from her pouring out or throwing one thing and liking how that felt, and not having the impulse control or planning capacity to prevent herself from doing it again and again until the mess took over the living room.
The issue was resolved with me at her side. I never abandoned her. I never stopped loving her or being loving even as I disciplined. I walked her through it a step at a time. I took a break when I was frustrated and needed a break. I vented to someone other than my child to let off a little steam. I did what good, loving parents do.
|Also. ADHD kids are especially emotionally astute. Everything in your post screams "fed up"
Well, as an adult with some ADHD challenges, let me tell you that everything about your post screamed righteousness.
|she knows this is how you feel...kinda makes me want to tear apart a room too - lol...really though, her actions may be partly a manifestation of the underlying emotions in her home.
More presumptions. The underlying emotions in our home? How on earth could my post, which was about an accute, short-term incident in our home, have given you a picture of the "underlying emotions" in our home outside of that moment? Or even a full picture of the emotions in the moment? Was I frustrated in that moment? Absolutely. Did I find some of my child's actions infuriating in the moment? Yes. That's why I went to take a break. But did I ever present my frustration to my child in such a way that said my love was conditional? Absolutely not.
There are moments for every parent in which we "lose it" and say or do things we regret. This wasn't one of them for me.
|Peace to you! Sorry if I was pushing yr buttons.
You didn't push my buttons. You didn't strike a cord or hit a soft spot. You didn't say something that was true that I wasn't ready to hear. Please. I am having a normal reaction to my love for my child being questioned by someone who doesn't know me and who is responding to a very narrow post on a frustrating moment in trying to teach my child something that is challenging (and silmultaneously keep my house liveable while my spouse was away and I was sick). It would be kind of like if your child was having a tantrum in the grocery store on the one day that you *had* to take your child shopping with you and *had* to get the shopping done in a short period of time, and some stranger came up and said, "Perhaps he doesn't feel loved enough. I'd want to have a tantrum if I had you as a mom too."
I didn't deserve your post, it missed the mark, and it wasn't compassionate or helpful. Perhaps you should think a little longer before posting something to another parent on this board that implies the parent's short-term frustrations are from not loving their child enough or well enough or unconditionally. It's rude, presumptive, and mean.
Bless your heart for trying.