Recs for friend that won't scare her off-- sensory seeking, defiant child - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-09-2010, 01:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My ds5 has a buddy who has come for playdates every so often since they were about 2. Buddy has always been very energetic, and extremely disinclined to follow rules or take direction. He's pretty sweet natured, but really egocentric and destructive.

Here's a typical first 5 minutes of a playdate: I hear Buddy's mom telling him to get OUT of our neighbor's flower beds, then telling him to climb DOWN from their fence. Buddy bangs very loudly on the door. I open the door and greet them; Buddy runs past me to ds' toys and starts flinging them out of the box. He drops the last toy on the floor, purposely steps on it, and begins jumping on ds' bed. I ask Buddy to take off his shoes. He grins at me and keeps jumping. Buddy's mom asks him to take off his shoes. He laughs, leaps off the bed (onto the toys he threw on the floor), and runs out of the room, knocking ds5 out of the way as he goes. He slams the bedroom door, runs into the bathroom, slams that door, and giggles as he begins slamming the shower doors back and forth. His mom opens the bathroom door and finds he is on the counter, chewing on a toothbrush and trying to shove another toothbrush into an outlet. He jumps down, runs out of the room, climbs up to the counter in the kitchen, and starts opening and slamming the microwave door, repeatedly. He is giggling all the while, and ignoring requests and demands that he stop.

He's a perfectly intelligent kid, but he's like this pretty much all the time, in every venue.

For forever, Buddy's parents just said "he's clever," "he's spunky," "he likes to play by his own rules," and excused his behavior. But, Buddy is going to kindergarten next month, and his kindy interviewer had concerns that he wasn't ready. I think this is what led to Buddy's parents being tentatively open to learning about sensory-seeking behaviors. I'm supposed to send them some links. I have some, but I thought someone here might have better ones!

I will pass on advice, as well. Thanks!
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Old 08-09-2010, 02:10 AM
 
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I would actually recommend a book for them. The chapter on sensory seeking children in "Sensational Kids" is excellent. It's the only book that I know of that gives equal weight to sensory seeking and sensory avoiding kids.

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Old 08-09-2010, 02:44 PM
 
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The Out-of-Sync Child was an awesome book. I've reccomended it to parents and just say "This book had great activities and suggestions for active children"

Mom to Joscelyne 14, Andrew 12, and Mackenzie 10 and wife to Nate.
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Old 08-09-2010, 06:22 PM
 
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You could try posting on your tribe board and get a recommendation for an OT that does home visits and suggest she have him evaluated so she has concrete suggestions to offer the school. Also, this was helpful for me Sensory Processing Disorder Checklist. It really helped us to be able to talk it out with the therapist (family) we saw first and later the OT; people that were open to the possibility that we're not just crappy parents.

I have that kind of boy and things I learned during his K year are;
 

  • it will NOT get better just because he's in school
  • schools are often reluctant to help a child academically on target
  • if she doesn't have a diagnosis of some sort she will be viewed as a "problem child"
  •  

Last year was a traumatic year for both of us; I wish I knew then what I know now.

Our doctor diagnosed ODD/ADHD on our referral form to a developmental ped (9-12mo wait so she may want to get on a waiting list while she is considering her options), and our OT suggested Asperger's--she's not qualified to diagnose but this suggestion came from years of working with clients with Asperger's (after doing some reading I have to agree). Since we are waiting on the DP we will use our Dr.'s diagnosis and the OT's report to help ds in his new school.

You could always tell her that you may be giving her more information than may apply to her ds, but that a lot of parents end up spending a lot of time trying to figure out what to research instead of having a pile to start with and eliminating possibilities later. I think the checklist is the best starter.


"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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Old 08-13-2010, 06:17 AM
 
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The quicker they get a diagnosis the better school will go. I read The Out-of-Sync Child and then we had an eval done with an OT. The OT worked with our DS for 6 months and gave us great ideas/tools to use at home and at school. We have recently returned to OT for some updated strategies as DS has gotten older. The parents should be prepared to work closely with the K teacher. It helped me to volunteer 1x week in the classroom (K teachers usually love an extra set of eyes and hands) and that way I could witness first hand any problem behaviors and better strategize with the teacher.

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Old 08-13-2010, 12:41 PM
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Gosh, he sounds just like my son who has been diagnosed with SPD and ADHD. The resources that were helpful to me where "The Out of Sync Child" and "The Mislabeled Child". Also getting the dx and starting OT helped - finally there was an answer and some help for his out of control behavior.

Just be gentle and non-judgmental ( it sounds like you are not and that is great!). One of the hardest parts of having a child like this is the judgment of others and the fear of "bad" or out of control behavior in public because others just don't get it.
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:03 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kme View Post
Gosh, he sounds just like my son who has been diagnosed with SPD and ADHD. The resources that were helpful to me where "The Out of Sync Child" and "The Mislabeled Child". Also getting the dx and starting OT helped - finally there was an answer and some help for his out of control behavior.

Just be gentle and non-judgmental ( it sounds like you are not and that is great!). One of the hardest parts of having a child like this is the judgment of others and the fear of "bad" or out of control behavior in public because others just don't get it.

Ditto!
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Old 08-14-2010, 12:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kme View Post
Just be gentle and non-judgmental ( it sounds like you are not and that is great!). One of the hardest parts of having a child like this is the judgment of others and the fear of "bad" or out of control behavior in public because others just don't get it.
And it's hard on the child too. Ds' enthusiasm for K lasted about 4 months, by then he'd had enough of always being in trouble. I'm thankful that we now have a diagnosis, a new CBT therapist, and an OT; though it will be awhile to get everyone in place.

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so much! I've got a lot to hand over, now. And if I could ask another question...

Since Buddy starts K in a couple of weeks, his parents won't have enough time to do anything significant to get him ready for school, or get his teacher ready for him. Any advice for what they can do in the next 2 weeks?
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Old 08-17-2010, 09:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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