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#31 of 45 Old 09-14-2012, 12:34 PM
 
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#32 of 45 Old 09-18-2012, 10:55 AM
 
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This is directed at several of you: Just because you know one person with Asperger's does not mean that you know all about Asperger's.  I know a lot of people on the spectrum and we are all as different as night and day.  I have undiagnosed AS, and I LOVE being touched.  I am starved for it.  Because of drama in my life, I don't have any close relationships.  I am withering away wanting to be touched.  But I have high standards for myself and others.  I need people that thrive in a relationship of high intensity.  I'm very proud and feel that I've never met my equal.  Everyone around me will be tested mercilessly and many will fail.  But I WANT someone to pass the test. 


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#33 of 45 Old 09-18-2012, 11:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Of course, E! :) Just like anyone, all aspies are different, it's just that touch is a common issue. I hope it didn't seem as if we were saying that all aspies are like this.
 


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#34 of 45 Old 11-09-2012, 08:36 PM
 
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My question is to the moms married 10+ years to men with Aspergers:

Is it worth the heartache, loneliness and carrying the full load during the hard times?
Does it get easier?
How come when I know in my head why my husband does the things he does I still get mad and hurt?

My husband was diagnosed with Aspergers 2 years ago. We have an 8 month old baby who was pre-planned and the pregnancy was very high risk. For the last year and a half he has gotten progressively more angry and blames me for every hard thing and change in our life. He has completely withdrawn emotionally. I have to carry the financial, domestic and relationship load 100% by myself. We have decided to take a 6 month break so that I can decide if I have the strength, skills and emotional capacity to be his partner and so that he can cool down and decide if he wants to stay together.

I am devastated and need real life help from women who have faced this situation. Although others may offer ideas and hope, I am really just looking for advice from the women who have lived this life already and who can help me make an informed decision.

Because it is harder than anyone who has not lived it will ever really know.

Please, help.
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#35 of 45 Old 11-09-2012, 11:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Dice2mad View Post

My question is to the moms married 10+ years to men with Aspergers:
Is it worth the heartache, loneliness and carrying the full load during the hard times?
Does it get easier?
How come when I know in my head why my husband does the things he does I still get mad and hurt?
My husband was diagnosed with Aspergers 2 years ago. We have an 8 month old baby who was pre-planned and the pregnancy was very high risk. For the last year and a half he has gotten progressively more angry and blames me for every hard thing and change in our life. He has completely withdrawn emotionally. I have to carry the financial, domestic and relationship load 100% by myself. We have decided to take a 6 month break so that I can decide if I have the strength, skills and emotional capacity to be his partner and so that he can cool down and decide if he wants to stay together.
I am devastated and need real life help from women who have faced this situation. Although others may offer ideas and hope, I am really just looking for advice from the women who have lived this life already and who can help me make an informed decision.
Because it is harder than anyone who has not lived it will ever really know.
Please, help.

 

Oh, goodness, yes! DH and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary last month and we have lived together for 13 years.

 

I don't think everyone is the same, but for us, it is so, so, SO worth it. My husband is my soulmate. I just don't think I could ever be happy with someone else. He's perfect for me. It took me a long time to figure it out, but I understand him now and he understands me. It has gotten easier for us. Like breathing. There is a flow I think we both have learned and everything works so well for us now.

 

You'll still feel mad and hurt when he does some things, but that's a normal part of relationships. You'll ALWAYS feel mad and hurt when you have a disagreement with your partner, no matter who it is. The good thing about Asperger is you know why it is happening and while you'll still get angry, I at least feel as though it makes it a lot easier to make up afterward once you get past the knee-jerk anger stage.

 

I know exactly how we (I) made it work, but I have no idea if this will work in every situation or even if it has anything to do with being with an Aspie partner. All I know is that I don't cry anymore. I never feel sad. I'm always happy, my husband is always happy, and we almost never fight at all now. The negativity is all gone and I feel like we could never be apart. I'm thrilled to be with him. This is all I know, so it's the only advice I can give.

 

First, I had to figure out a way to separate our domestic duties into something we could both handle. My husband was too overwhelmed trying to be a dad. He just can't do it. He doesn't like children and he's no good at it. This stressed him out and made him yell all the time. So we began a traditional, old-fashioned marriage. I know it's not right for everyone, but it works for us. My husband is the breadwinner. He has the job. He is the one who works. He makes the money, pays the bills and handles the finances. That's it. He doesn't do housework and he doesn't look after the children.

 

I quit working to take care of the kids full-time. I'm always here. He never has the kids. I also do pretty much all of the housework, though DH sometimes helps with things like carrying the laundry basket down the stairs so I don't trip with the baby, etc. He also mows the lawn and does any other job that would typically be considered "the man's" job.

 

This created a problem for us in one way: money. I was freaked out by finances. I had always handled my own finances and we had always both worked and finances were the #1 reason for upset in our marriage. I would get mad at DH's purchases. I would get so pissed at the way he would have four or five overdrafts for something as stupid as a pack of gum or a gallon of milk. I would be simply outraged by it.

 

I came to the conclusion that I either needed to just not care or we were going to get a divorce. I didn't want a divorce, so I stopped caring. I don't mean that in a negative way like I stopped caring about DH or our marriage. I mean that I stopped caring about money. It was SO HARD. It took almost a year before I was completely and entirely uncaring about money. At this point, if my husband came home and told me he had spent everything we had on a brand new car and then wrecked it on the way home with no insurance, I'd just shrug and say "meh." I totally do. Not. Care. And that has been what has saved our marriage. Whatever it is we would fight about, I do. Not. Care. He makes the money, he spends it how he wants to. I opened up a little craft business on the side and I take the money I earn on Etsy and use it to buy things for the kids.

 

Let me put it in perspective. We are poor. Really poor. Poor like you cannot believe. We have been homeless (before we had kids). We lived in a tent for a year. We rented a one-room efficiency when I had DD where the living room was the kitchen was the bedroom. Right now we are living in an abandoned house (which is actually not at all what it sounds like - it's a very, very nice house and we happen to have the approval of the previous owners who just abandoned it hoping the bank would take over though they never did). Still, we can't pay rent. We have to have welfare to survive and I could not care less. We are happy. My children are well cared for, my marriage is fantastic, we don't fight and I'm happy. Truly happy. I'm so happy every day. No amount of money is worth that.

 

Some women say they "have" to work, but you really don't. If you can find ways to just let go of the things you think are important that really are not, you'll find you're just happy all the time. Maybe it will only work for me in my particular marriage, but it might work for someone else, too.

 

Can you look at the things that really upset you and let them go? Whatever it is that gets you feeling tense like money or working or living in a certain situation and find a way to let it go? Just give it up? Yeah, you might have to be dirt-poor but is your marriage worth it? Is it worth it to just be happy? Giving up a second job and living like that seems unthinkable at first, but happiness is worth everything to me.


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#36 of 45 Old 11-10-2012, 03:55 AM
 
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Hello AmberSkyFire, 

 

I've been with my AS husband (Dx'd 2 yrs ago) for 10+ years and have a 7yo  who was Dx'd with Aspergers about a year and a half ago. 

 

I am feeling the same exact thing you are tonight and came onto this thread to not feel so lonely. Because it has been a very lonely ride. 

 

I've come to understand that it does not get easier. It is a lot of work. That this is how it will be with him. I understand what you mean about your spouse's anger and verbal abuse. We went through a DV incident when our son was just 2 months old. I didn't want to risk him raising our child in any capacity w/o me around - so I have stayed to protect my son as well as wanting to give this marriage my all. My 1 request that could not be broken  in order for me to stay was that he get therapy once a week. He has complied and is on medication to help him "stop to think." In addition to his Aspergers he also has ODD which is something that I have researched and come to find usually goes hand in hand with Asperger Syndrome. He has done very well on this medication and we have had a pretty non-confrontational last 2 years since he began to take it. I don't attribute the medication for helping this out 100% but it has been a great factor. 

 

I've 100% taken over the finances as he has proven to not be able to - even though he is so very successful in the business world and at one point was going to be a financial advisor! SMH. Early on, I made quite the sacrifice by taking on his debt to try and maneuver some financial burdens. After the birth of my son, I was Dx with Autoimmune diseases, later I had to quit working - we then made a decision for -me- to file bankruptcy since he was the breadwinner of the family. It is quite the sore spot for me as I took very good care of my finances prior to meeting him. He made so many promises of this or that coming in financially over the years that only put us in worse debt because those promises never came through or didn't come through when he said they would. So, even though it was a huge stress for me to take on the finances - it was the best thing for us/me. We, at this point, are pretty stable after almost 2 years.  

 

Even though he fully understands my disability I still do majority of the domestic chores. And yes, as you do - 100% of the relationship load. I've figured out over the years how to speak to him in a certain way that he will understand - because there is a certain pattern that has to be followed in order for someone with Aspergers to understand and for me to gain a little bit of empathy - as much as one with AS can give. I've had to do all the research and foot work to help our son (and him as we didn't know until about 2 years ago that my husband has AS). I of course involve my husband in decision makings and it feels like I'm reporting to the CEO. There is no philosophical conversations and no bouncing off of ideas or more in depth conversations about our son or anything in general. It's reporting of facts and making the best decisions from there. 

 

I've gone about my life since marrying him trying to figure out everything through research, trial and error, for all 3 of us. It's tiring, lonely, frustrating but I am determined to try and provide the best environment for my son. I still get mad even though I fully understand WHY he does what he does - because it seems so unfair to get the short end of the stick most of the time. The rewards don't coincide with the work put in - and no amount of understanding will make the human need to feel supported and loved go away in the long run.  His measure of success in life is how much he makes and how well we're doing financially. I understand his logic - I wish he'd fully understand mine.

 

If you're still pondering what to do - it means you still have hope. Hope is a must to get through to acceptance (either way you decide to go) and acceptance is peace. It's a calmer dialog within yourself when this happens, though it doesn't mean never getting mad or not feeling hurt. Surround yourself with people who can support the interests that aren't common b/t the two of you and do for your self at least once a week, even if it means giving yourself the "day off". It's so easy to forget to do this even though we're self aware - but it's justified, needed, and empowering. 

 

I wish you and your little one all the best. 

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#37 of 45 Old 11-10-2012, 04:02 AM
 
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Sorry, I meant to reply to Dice2Mad above. 

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#38 of 45 Old 11-10-2012, 10:50 PM
 
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Dear AmberSkyFire and Life As It Is 456,

You both sound like incredibly remarkable and strong people. You have each offered me a lot to think about. Thank you very, very much for such thoughtful advice. I will be thinking about it a great deal in the next while.

I am definitely trying to tweeze out the pieces that I can drop because he and our family are more important to me. But I am so incredibly hurt and angry that the dramatic change over the last years has led to so much loneliness. I am also scared of living with a man who often is 'not around', even if his body is in the room (does that make sense?). It is so strange to not 'feel' him emotionally. It has gotten harder and harder to only talk about the things he is interested in, and then have no reciprocity in the conversations. And so many, many more things. It is a very different type of relationship than I have ever experienced.

That said, even with all the difficulties, I still love him with all my heart. I really do hope things will work, but I also know he is just as frustrated with me and he has to want to make things work too.

We both really need time and help and hope.

Thank you again. So much.
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#39 of 45 Old 11-11-2012, 10:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And remember to always think of the positive things about being with him. It helps me. I list the reasons why my husband is so great so I don't focus on only the negatives.

 

-he would never lie to me

-he would never cheat on me (he's terrified of people, LOL!)

-he works hard and makes a living to support us

-he would never leave me because of an argument

-he doesn't take things personally so he is easy to make up with

-he loves me more than anything else in the world

 

And I list the little ways that he's able to show me that he loves me. Today, he brought home cheesecake from the grocery store!


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#40 of 45 Old 11-11-2012, 11:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post

 

Oh, goodness, yes! DH and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary last month and we have lived together for 13 years.

 

I don't think everyone is the same, but for us, it is so, so, SO worth it. My husband is my soulmate. I just don't think I could ever be happy with someone else. He's perfect for me. It took me a long time to figure it out, but I understand him now and he understands me. It has gotten easier for us. Like breathing. There is a flow I think we both have learned and everything works so well for us now.

 

You'll still feel mad and hurt when he does some things, but that's a normal part of relationships. You'll ALWAYS feel mad and hurt when you have a disagreement with your partner, no matter who it is. The good thing about Asperger is you know why it is happening and while you'll still get angry, I at least feel as though it makes it a lot easier to make up afterward once you get past the knee-jerk anger stage.

 

I know exactly how we (I) made it work, but I have no idea if this will work in every situation or even if it has anything to do with being with an Aspie partner. All I know is that I don't cry anymore. I never feel sad. I'm always happy, my husband is always happy, and we almost never fight at all now. The negativity is all gone and I feel like we could never be apart. I'm thrilled to be with him. This is all I know, so it's the only advice I can give.

 

First, I had to figure out a way to separate our domestic duties into something we could both handle. My husband was too overwhelmed trying to be a dad. He just can't do it. He doesn't like children and he's no good at it. This stressed him out and made him yell all the time. So we began a traditional, old-fashioned marriage. I know it's not right for everyone, but it works for us. My husband is the breadwinner. He has the job. He is the one who works. He makes the money, pays the bills and handles the finances. That's it. He doesn't do housework and he doesn't look after the children.

 

I quit working to take care of the kids full-time. I'm always here. He never has the kids. I also do pretty much all of the housework, though DH sometimes helps with things like carrying the laundry basket down the stairs so I don't trip with the baby, etc. He also mows the lawn and does any other job that would typically be considered "the man's" job.

 

This created a problem for us in one way: money. I was freaked out by finances. I had always handled my own finances and we had always both worked and finances were the #1 reason for upset in our marriage. I would get mad at DH's purchases. I would get so pissed at the way he would have four or five overdrafts for something as stupid as a pack of gum or a gallon of milk. I would be simply outraged by it.

 

I came to the conclusion that I either needed to just not care or we were going to get a divorce. I didn't want a divorce, so I stopped caring. I don't mean that in a negative way like I stopped caring about DH or our marriage. I mean that I stopped caring about money. It was SO HARD. It took almost a year before I was completely and entirely uncaring about money. At this point, if my husband came home and told me he had spent everything we had on a brand new car and then wrecked it on the way home with no insurance, I'd just shrug and say "meh." I totally do. Not. Care. And that has been what has saved our marriage. Whatever it is we would fight about, I do. Not. Care. He makes the money, he spends it how he wants to. I opened up a little craft business on the side and I take the money I earn on Etsy and use it to buy things for the kids.

 

Let me put it in perspective. We are poor. Really poor. Poor like you cannot believe. We have been homeless (before we had kids). We lived in a tent for a year. We rented a one-room efficiency when I had DD where the living room was the kitchen was the bedroom. Right now we are living in an abandoned house (which is actually not at all what it sounds like - it's a very, very nice house and we happen to have the approval of the previous owners who just abandoned it hoping the bank would take over though they never did). Still, we can't pay rent. We have to have welfare to survive and I could not care less. We are happy. My children are well cared for, my marriage is fantastic, we don't fight and I'm happy. Truly happy. I'm so happy every day. No amount of money is worth that.

 

Some women say they "have" to work, but you really don't. If you can find ways to just let go of the things you think are important that really are not, you'll find you're just happy all the time. Maybe it will only work for me in my particular marriage, but it might work for someone else, too.

 

Can you look at the things that really upset you and let them go? Whatever it is that gets you feeling tense like money or working or living in a certain situation and find a way to let it go? Just give it up? Yeah, you might have to be dirt-poor but is your marriage worth it? Is it worth it to just be happy? Giving up a second job and living like that seems unthinkable at first, but happiness is worth everything to me.

 

I read this, and it reminded me *so* much of DF and I. So much so I asked him to read it (hope you don't mind. Sorry), because it seems like at least most of your setup would work perfectly for us. He read it, and while some of it he said upset him (the part that parenting is especially stressful, he said while that's true, it makes him feel like a bad dad. I told him that it doesn't mean he's a bad dad, that there are some aspects of parenting that come easier for him, and some stuff that comes easier to me, and some stuff that's harder for me, and some stuff that's harder for him, and most of that compliments each other for us), that he thinks that that arrangement would probably be a really good idea for us, too.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post

And remember to always think of the positive things about being with him. It helps me. I list the reasons why my husband is so great so I don't focus on only the negatives.

 

-he would never lie to me

-he would never cheat on me (he's terrified of people, LOL!)

-he works hard and makes a living to support us

-he would never leave me because of an argument

-he doesn't take things personally so he is easy to make up with

-he loves me more than anything else in the world

 

And I list the little ways that he's able to show me that he loves me. Today, he brought home cheesecake from the grocery store!

 

I do that quite often. He lets me sleep extra, or does a load of laundry if he knows I'm not feeling well. heartbeat.gif


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#41 of 45 Old 11-15-2012, 03:11 PM
 
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I just ran across this thread randomly, and I could NOT BE ANY HAPPIER to have found it!! My DH does not have aspergers, but is high functioning NOS. I don't have the time right at this minute, but when it allows I will be reading this thread in its entirety, and joining in.

 

Seriously happy to have found this!
 


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#42 of 45 Old 11-16-2012, 12:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just ran across this thread randomly, and I could NOT BE ANY HAPPIER to have found it!! My DH does not have aspergers, but is high functioning NOS. I don't have the time right at this minute, but when it allows I will be reading this thread in its entirety, and joining in.

 

Seriously happy to have found this!
 


Xavismom, there is a Parenting With an Aspergers Partner group here. You should join! http://www.mothering.com/community/groups/show/28/parenting-with-an-aspergers-partner


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#43 of 45 Old 11-21-2012, 05:33 PM
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i just wanted to say, please don't give up on your husband. i very probably have aspergers - i scored 43/50 on the baron-cohen screening test where 32 is "high risk". i know i have a lot of deficits and i'm very hard to live with but i love my family and i'm sure your husband does too. it sounds like you are committed to him and just are having some trouble with the hurdles he's facing. encourage him to seek medical treatment/therapies - Risperidone helps me immensely - and just work with what you've got. hang in there.


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#44 of 45 Old 11-22-2012, 11:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i just wanted to say, please don't give up on your husband. i very probably have aspergers - i scored 43/50 on the baron-cohen screening test where 32 is "high risk". i know i have a lot of deficits and i'm very hard to live with but i love my family and i'm sure your husband does too. it sounds like you are committed to him and just are having some trouble with the hurdles he's facing. encourage him to seek medical treatment/therapies - Risperidone helps me immensely - and just work with what you've got. hang in there.

 



He won't take anything and that's perfectly fine with me, but he has gotten so much better with a little work. Our son is now 8 months old and he does very well with him. I have him watch the baby while I cook and take showers and DH seems to really like the baby most of the time. DS LOVES his dad which I think helps a lot. He cries when I walk near DH and don't hand him over to him. DD wasn't like that at all. She clung to me for dear life, so DH never was able to form any kind of bond with her.


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#45 of 45 Old 11-25-2012, 07:28 AM
 
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I am a single mom but ds's father has Asperger's (so does my son.)  When his father is around, it's a nightmare.  It has gotten to the point where my son's neuropsych has officially stated that ds's father can't be alone with ds.  He just doesn't do a good job at parenting and loses his temper all the time (not hitting.)

My son has other medical conditions so he gets sick quite often.  This means, I can't work outside the home.  So, financial hardship makes life unpleasant.  I also homeschool at the moment because ds was traumatized at school (we are meeting with the school to discuss an out of district placement but I'll be hugely surprised if they agree.)

 

So, I'm with ds 24/7.  It's exhausting.  And having to act like a parent to his father when he is visiting makes me angry.  He refuses to get help.  He admits that he has Asperger's but won't do anything to try to learn to deal with it.

 

I feel your pain!


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