Did your SN child make you rethink your family size? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 44 Old 09-06-2011, 03:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamahen2coop View Post


I think I'm feeling the same way. I haven't quite accepted him yet. I do, I mean I interact with him and everything, but I just dont feel as connected to him as I remember feeling, and still do, with DS1. I already feel like I want to have #3 so they're 2 years apart like we had though of before so that we have baby before DS2 starts to really be more involved with everything and we think it's too hard having 3. But, that's why after we got prego with #2 that we felt like 2 would be good- because it would just logistically be so much easier with 2. I'm an RN so I work 2 12 hour shifts a week and so far either grandma or DH have watched DS1 but I dont think they'll be able to watch 2 at a time, let alone 3. I guess only time will tell as our feelings get sorted out more and DS2 starts to become himself.


Give yourself time. My DD just turned two. It took me that long. The first year of her life I feel like I cared for her well, but I didn't love her well. I told DS he was my favorite, a lot. I really felt a lot more connected to him. He is my little gifted preschooler, in a family where my DH went to college at 10, and I finished several post graduate degrees. It was hard for me to imagine a daughter who might never be independent, who might not enjoy books the way I had, music the way I did, travel the way we do. I had serious PPD, and I had a long grieving period. DH was awesome, unconditionally accepting and loving, so that helped. After a year DD started to emerge. (She had been on serious seizure meds for 6 months and really out of it.)  We got over the stress of dealing with sudden onset of seizures, got used to her diagnosis, and she weaned off the meds. She started to be more fun, honestly. She has a genetic condition that is a lot like Ds, so I really get the whole process you are going through. I think time will tell whether another is right for your family, and at some point you will know, or fate will decide. 

 

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#32 of 44 Old 09-07-2011, 12:25 PM
 
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It's hard to feel connected with someone who never looks at you, barely acknowledges, never says mommy or I love you. it's HARD. You love them to death but yet not connected. It's hard to explain without sounding callous unless you've been there

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#33 of 44 Old 09-22-2011, 01:54 PM
 
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I have 2 kids, both unplanned.  #2 is a SN child.  I've been a lot more on top of the birth control since he was born, making sure as best I can not to have another surprise baby.  It's not so much that I don't want to have another child that's not "perfect" but that the first 2 years were very stressful and I had no energy to take care of a 2 year old plus a SN baby.  DS had open heart surgery, feeding issues, severe reflux that kept him up all night screaming and developmental delays.  If my husband had been at least a little bit helpful or emotionally supportive then I wouldn't mind having another child.  But I did it all myself and if I were to add another SN child to the mix I think I'd crumble and spiral into another depression just from all the work it takes. 


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#34 of 44 Old 09-22-2011, 05:10 PM
 
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No, but a little reservation.  DS (our first), who is 14 months, has Down syndrome.  He is doing fantastically well, has never had so much as an ear infection, and is the sweetest, cuddliest, most loving babe I could imagine.  We're just about to start trying for #2.  What does scare me is the thought that the next may have it too.  (1 in a 100 odds, as has been said.) This may seem contradictory, because DS is such a joy, but I do still worry about his future when I let myself, and again, he is doing SO well, I figure, if we had another, how could we expect such an easy ride? So at least, I will be having a CVS test this time, because I gotta know.

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#35 of 44 Old 09-27-2011, 08:43 PM
 
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It's 1/70 to have a spectrum baby in my area. A second adds what 20% to the odds? It seems way too high. I'm really struggling. Insurance won't cover fragile x testing either so there's another unknown

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#36 of 44 Old 09-27-2011, 10:26 PM
 
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In odd ways. If Shiny had been typically developing, I probably would have wanted another child in 2008-ish... my husband would likely have resisted.


But because she has such overwhelming special needs and aggression issues, there was no way I could consider dealing with pregnancy and another child until she was in school full time...and because she's DH's only child, he REALLY wanted to have another child. Shiny will never be a parent, will likely always struggle with the most basic things... and while we both love her to pieces, he really got a sense of what was missing when my niece was born, and I think he wants to experience parenting a child who can talk and read and interact more meaningfully. 

 

So we are having a third child in part because of her special needs, but it's happening a lot later than it might have, also because of her special needs. 


Jenrose, Mama to DD1, born 1993, DD2, born 2005, and DS1, Jan. 2012. Babywearing, cosleeping, homebirthing mom with fibromyalgia and hashimotos.  DD2 has a rare chromosome disorder. 

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#37 of 44 Old 11-23-2011, 07:38 PM
 
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my 4th is going through some medical stuff.  We don't know beyond imperforate anus what he has or if it might be genetic.  As i said we have 4.  I don't think i could do this again.  and we have 4, which i thought was a good # anyway.  If this was #1 I'd have more.  but I feel now we should be done...there's only so much time and resources.

 

I don't think any1 here should feel guilty no matter which way you go.  Only you know your situation and ability to handle things.  You know what issues, if any your child is likely to have.  What matters is that YOURfamily is happy and your child(ren) grow up happy and knowing love.


lovin DH since 1/04, SAHM to 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
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#38 of 44 Old 11-24-2011, 10:41 AM
 
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Yes, having a SN kid made me rethink family size, but not at all in the way you meant. I decided to grow my family BECAUSE of my SN kid. He (my youngest) was 10  years old when I decided to become a foster/adoptive parent. Raising him, learning about the "system", just surviving those 10 years bolstered my confidence enough to take on therapeutic level, high needs foster children. I did a much better job with those kids because of the flexibility YoungSon taught me.


Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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#39 of 44 Old 12-04-2011, 02:13 PM
 
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Yes and no. 

 

At first, very much guided to feel that way by others (family, friends) who would make little comments about my SNs (DS2) and how challenging it would be or unfair to him as he requires so much attention (ASD). DH and I always wanted a lot of kids and planned on TTC when he was 18m-2yrs. He was formally Dx'ed right before his third birthday, although we suspected it since 18 months. DS2 has always been this way since he was born, no regression issues. I always knew something was different.

 

So we delayed TTC, and DH and I had a lot of heart felt conversations about other peoples opinions and what we really wanted and what was best for our family. Ultimately we decided to TTC, had two losses and I am now 31 weeks pregnant with our third son. DS2 rubs my belly constantly and talks to his brother. Whether or not he truly understands that there is a human being inside of me is debatable, but I don't regret our decision at all. I'm sure there will be a typical phase that is challenging, just like when DS2 came along, and that our family dynamics will work themselves out.

 

Because I feel DS2's autism is genetic, of course I wonder if boy #3 will be autistic as well. There is a 1 in 4 chance with subsequent pregnancies if you are having another boy for an ASD diagnosis. If we have another child on the spectrum, we may re-evaluate our hopes of having four little ones, but who really knows. I don't really see his autism as disabling or inconvenient... he's just different than DS1. Still amazing in his own little way. So who knows. 

 

DH and I always used to talk about special needs adoption after we were done having kids of our own (when I was pregnant with DS2, before we had a special needs child of our own) and still discuss it once a month or so. We felt like we were so blessed with the children that we had that we wanted to give a chance to another child. God sure works in mysterious ways, and I think one day we will still adopt, probably special needs. Our family dynamics might not be "typical", but I still love every day with them. Easy or challenging. 


Jesse, mama to my three wonderful boys, our newest born at home late Jan 2012 luxlove.gif

 

 

 

 

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#40 of 44 Old 12-04-2011, 03:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mamanoish View Post

Yes and no. 

 

At first, very much guided to feel that way by others (family, friends) who would make little comments about my SNs (DS2) and how challenging it would be or unfair to him as he requires so much attention (ASD). DH and I always wanted a lot of kids and planned on TTC when he was 18m-2yrs. He was formally Dx'ed right before his third birthday, although we suspected it since 18 months. DS2 has always been this way since he was born, no regression issues. I always knew something was different.

 

So we delayed TTC, and DH and I had a lot of heart felt conversations about other peoples opinions and what we really wanted and what was best for our family. Ultimately we decided to TTC, had two losses and I am now 31 weeks pregnant with our third son. DS2 rubs my belly constantly and talks to his brother. Whether or not he truly understands that there is a human being inside of me is debatable, but I don't regret our decision at all. I'm sure there will be a typical phase that is challenging, just like when DS2 came along, and that our family dynamics will work themselves out.

 

Because I feel DS2's autism is genetic, of course I wonder if boy #3 will be autistic as well. There is a 1 in 4 chance with subsequent pregnancies if you are having another boy for an ASD diagnosis. If we have another child on the spectrum, we may re-evaluate our hopes of having four little ones, but who really knows. I don't really see his autism as disabling or inconvenient... he's just different than DS1. Still amazing in his own little way. So who knows. 

 

DH and I always used to talk about special needs adoption after we were done having kids of our own (when I was pregnant with DS2, before we had a special needs child of our own) and still discuss it once a month or so. We felt like we were so blessed with the children that we had that we wanted to give a chance to another child. God sure works in mysterious ways, and I think one day we will still adopt, probably special needs. Our family dynamics might not be "typical", but I still love every day with them. Easy or challenging. 




OP here- Thanks for this!! I have 3 boys also. My DS2 was finally dx last week with ASD. Our DS1 and DS3 are both NT. I also strongly feel DS2's autism is genetic, he was very different from his brothers as a newborn even, I remember him just wanting to stare at ceiling fans even at 3 months old.

 

Sorry about your losses but a big congrats on your third little guy!! Btw my DS3 is also a Feb baby (2/8/11)- maybe your LO will be a Valentines baby :)

 

I don't see my DS2's autism as disabling, but I would be lying if I didn't say he is a LOT of work, he's more work than our other 2 combined. I am still grateful he's my son and I love him more than anything, I just worry how much energy I will have left for #4. I really want one more though.


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#41 of 44 Old 12-05-2011, 10:03 PM
 
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Now that I've had a little time to come to terms with DS2 and his diagnosis family planning isn't on my mind so much. I still dont think that we're probably done and I'm hoping that I'll feel as sure about being done as I did about when to start. It's helped to go to some support group meetings and see kids with the same diagnosis as older kids and adults. It helps to see the range of function so that we're not just focused on how bad it might be. It also helps that he hasn't had any medical problems or handicaps so it gives us hope that his biggest challenges will be cognitive. and only time will tell about that... just like typical kids. So now I feel like his diagnosis will make us think differently about our family size but that maybe it wont dictate it.

Jenica- Wife to R & mama to C 8/27/09, my little blonde bombshell and D 7/23/11, whom we love so much we gave him an extra chromosome      cd.gifwinner.jpgfemalesling.GIF
 

 

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#42 of 44 Old 12-06-2011, 03:34 PM
 
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Yes.

 

I know for a fact my next child would NOT be deaf, so we are done. We were afraid that if we had another "easier" child that our DD would be pushed to the side. Now we work hard to make sure she is always included, always able to understand our communication, and we can devote all our time and resources to ensure that she has the best technology, schools and in general, life!

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#43 of 44 Old 12-08-2011, 10:59 AM
 
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No, not really.  We have 3.5 (#4 due in Dec).  My oldest has Aspergers (and many other quirks- she's a challenge) but she's old enough that in some ways it's not so intense.  My second child's needs were just becoming apparent when his brother was about 4 months old- they are just over a year apart.  Oddly, it's been a HUGE help to him to have a closely spaced younger sibling- he revisits milestones he didn't master as his brother reaches them and it's just the best situation for them together.  It was overwhelming for us initially, but it's the spacing that was right for them- odd how that worked out. 

 

Since my DS was diagnosed with PDD-NOS 4 years ago, after reading up on it, I am seeing more and more spectrum characteristics in myself.  I am the oldest of 4, with the next one being my sister who is 12 months younger than I am.  I feel like I had the same experience growing up with my sister as insidevoice's kids.  I was socially clueless as a kid, and my sister helped me SO much by introducing me to her friends, letting me hang out with them too, and just supporting me and being there for me.  We did a lot together (got ears pierced, went to girl scout camp, were mostly in the same schools, etc.)  My experience growing up has influenced my decisions on family planning, and makes me feel very glad that I have more than one (I have 3).  My oldest is diagnosed PDD-NOS, my second has SPD, and several characteristics of being on the spectrum, and now I suspect my third may be on the spectrum too (she is only 22 months, so hard to say, but she has gross motor and speech delays, and I am noticing sensory issues with her too.  Even so, with all 3 requiring some sort of therapy (OT for older two, ECI for youngest), I am so BLESSED to have all of them, and life would be so boring without them.  DH feels totally done with having kids (not so much because of special needs, but #3 was a surprise, and he really was not wanting to go for more than 2 anyway), but I could go either way...be accepting of the size we are (still would not want to do permanent birth control) or happily accept another sweet little soul into our family.  I also believe that people should keep their negative opinions to themselves, as there is no way they know every circumstance that family has had toward making their decision.  Good luck to you, whatever you end up doing! :)

 


Jill stillheart.gif Chris (7/96), mommy to 3 sweet redheads: jumpers.gif Matthew autismribbon.gif (12/02), Michelle (8/05) and Marissa (1/10). Nursing since 2002.
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#44 of 44 Old 12-08-2011, 01:06 PM
 
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Nope :) Our 5th child was dx 1st when he was 22 months with autism, then his older sister (by 15 months) was dx with aspergers about 2 years later. We got pregnant with our 6th knowing fully well the child may be on the spectrum. (She is). We have since adopted 3 more kiddos ( with different issues of their own) through foster care.

 

My Dh is dx with Aspergers, although his psych says that had she seen him as a child she would have given him an autism dx. 

 

This has became my normal :)


*~Kelly~*
 Waldorf Mom to 9 blessings ~6 by birth and 3 by fost/adopt~

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