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#31 of 58 Old 02-13-2012, 07:06 AM
 
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I don't think this situation is particularly about special needs, other than maybe needing to be especially clear.


Yeah, I think things are getting kind of mucked up here.  The whole situation is not really specific to SN other than the communication.  Beyond that, this is regular everyday parenting stuff.  

 

I have to deal with less than stellar behavior from non-SN kids in my neighborhood all the time.  There is one particular child who is a real pain.  I mean she's lovely in many ways but challenging to say the least.  Of course her mother thinks she's perfect, and everyone else is the problem.  Again a lovely woman but a bit out of touch with reality on this issue.  So that means even though I have a three year old with autism to care for, I have to spend a lot of time directly supervising when my typically developing six year old is playing with her.  It's just part of parenting sometimes. Things aren't always fair much less easy.  

 

 

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#32 of 58 Old 02-13-2012, 08:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your advice and for making me aware that I am not coming across the way I would like.  I am going to get that book that one of the other moms suggested- thanks again!

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#33 of 58 Old 02-14-2012, 09:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by momof3tobe View Post

Thank you all for your advice and for making me aware that I am not coming across the way I would like.  I am going to get that book that one of the other moms suggested- thanks again!



I think it's great that you are looking into this.  I think that the idea that you want to help shows what a kind and thoughtful person you are.  I think some of the negativity that you are seeing comes from years of feeling judged as a parent and having your child judged when your a parent to a special needs child.  It can be overwhelming and exhausting.  Maybe this mom is just feeling burned out, and your taking part in that village mentality will give her the extra help she needs.   I think you've gotten some great advice. 

 

 


 
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#34 of 58 Old 02-14-2012, 04:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by momof3tobe View Post

I am sorry this is offending anyone, believe me that wasn't my intention.  I think I used was as precise language as a parent of a non-special needs child could.  Obviously if my child was hitting and teasing and taunting it would be called bullying.


*Disclaimer* I'm putting my hat on as a linguist and a professor, not as the mom of a child with mild special needs.

 

It's not so much about specific language as it is about evaluative language vs. descriptive language. I think people's hackles were raised because of the evaluative words, not necessarily the request. (OP: even though I'm using examples from your posts, I'm not intending to single you out. You were just a handy set of data. )

 

Everyone who posts on this board would be well served if posters would focus on describing the problem behaviors that they'd like help with rather than interpreting what those mean. So, in the example above: The description would be: "This child hits, taunts and teases other children." Saying "He bullies other children" is an interpretation. We don't tend to get into trouble when we describe behaviors. We often get into trouble when we interpret or evaluate those behaviors. I think the special needs parents were reacting to the interpretation, which was unintentional.

 

Another example: "His mother is in total denial"is an interpretation. "His mother doesn't give any suggestions about what we should do" is more descriptive. It's especially effective because than you can follow it up with, "so I was hoping that mothers of children on the autism spectrum might have some suggestions for me when he engages in these behaviors."

 

It's very hard to think like this, but it will make for much better communication, especially in a written forum, where we have no non-verbal cues to help us know whether you're angry at the mom or puzzled. I miss the old "stickies" that we had where we could post relevant information.

 

Finally, I think, OP, that you may have some misperceptions about the whole process of getting a special needs child services: You wrote: "I reached out to the guidance counselor at the kids' school because the kids told me he was bullying them at recess and other unstructured times. I told her that I've tried to talk to his mother and she was unwilling to do anything but it is very clear this boy needs help. She said she'd look into it and I found out a couple days later that he was assigned a one on one aide at school so he would be continuously supervised."

 

I highly doubt that your one phone call got the child the one-on-one aide. Aides are really expensive and schools will go to great lengths to keep from having to use one. What this says to me is that the school also noticed that the child was having trouble functioning in the classroom and school. It was probably a long, drawn out process that required the mom to advocate for an aide.

 

You don't mention whether a dad is around, but it sounds like there isn't. Imagine this mom as being really really overwhelmed. It's OK for you to step in and be very specific and descriptive with him. "You may not hit people." "You may only use the names of the children when talking to them" because if you say "don't say "poopy head", you'll then have to explain for every other name he comes up with that it's not allowed. Yes, he may have to learn this for each 'bad' name before he can generalize or understand what "calling someone names" means.

 

I know he's older than the other kids, but socially, he's probably younger. It may help you to see him as a 4-5 year old in terms of social development in terms of your expectations.


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#35 of 58 Old 02-15-2012, 03:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You are right- it wasn't one phone call to the guidance counselor that got him a one-on-one aide.  I will tell you the story that started my many many emails, phone calls, and personal visits to the guidance counselor- which I'm sure wasn't the whole reason he got an aide, but I'm hoping it helped. 

 

A few days after school started, my son, Jack, (who was 6 at the time) came home crying.  He told me that Noah (the boy) was calling him "stupid, dumb, and the stupidest kid he ever met", the whole way home on the school bus.  He said that Noah was sitting three rows in front of him and had turned around and yelled these things at him.  I walked over to Noah's mom's house and explained to her what Jack had told me.  She said, and this is a quote, "Well, I don't get involved in those petty things. At some point you just have to say, boys will be boys."  I saw that there was no point in trying to talk to her and just said ok and left.  I then emailed the guidance counselor and told her what happened and asked if there was anything I and she could do to help my son as this was very upsetting for him.  She said she would do what she could.  A few minutes later, Noah knocked on the door and asked "Can Jack come out and play?"  Jack heard Noah's voice and took off upstairs.  I asked Noah if he was calling Jack names on the bus and he said yes.  I said, "well that hurt Jack's feelings and he does not want to play with you right now."  Noah just stood there looking at me and I didn't want to just shut the door in his face so I said, "ok, Noah, you need to leave now."  And then he walked away.

 

The second time, the kids were at school in line, waiting to get on the bus at the end of the day, and Noah was standing next to Jack, getting really close to his face, and saying "knock knock.  Who's there? (he answered himself) Jack. Jack who? Stupid Jack! Stupid Jack!"  Jack told him to stop and he wouldn't.  There was no where Jack could go to get away from him because they were in line waiting for the bus.  I told Jack he needed to tell one of the teaching assistants that was there but he told me there wasn't any close enough.  He was also 6 years old and not accustomed to these situations and how to stand up for himself.  So I talked to the guidance counselor again and she said she would make the teaching assistants aware and they would keep an eye on it. Jack still was coming home telling me that Noah kept getting close in his face while they were in line and saying he was stupid and a crybaby so at that point I made an appointment with the guidance counselor and talked to her about the problems that we were having with Noah-at school and in the neighborhood.  She has a lot more experience with these types of situations and I was asking her for advice on what I could do with Jack to help him deal with this.  I told her the conversation that I had with Noah's mom and I told her that it seemed to me that Noah didn't fully realize that his behavior was inappropriate but this is really affecting Jack and he needs some help. She said she would do everything she could to make sure Jack had support at school and wouldn't have to deal with this on his own.  

 

I could really go on and on but the situations are similar to these.  And this is just stuff that happened at school.  We had a whole other set of problems when the kids were playing in the neighborhood.  I will tell you that one time the kids were playing at the playground in our development and Noah's mom and I were standing nearby chatting.  One of the boys starting walking toward us, and Noah ran up behind him, tackled him and starting hitting and kicking him. Noah's mom just stood there so I started yelling, "Noah, get off of him!"  Noah's mom said, "well, we have to go return your library book so we better go."  And just walked away.  I asked the boys what happened and they told me that Noah took my younger son's toy and wouldn't give it back, so the other boy was on his way over to tell me when Noah tackled him.  I texted his mom and told her and she texted me back and said well, I didn't want to get angry at Noah before I knew what happened.  I thought when is it ever ok to tackle someone from behind, regardless of the situation?  

 

I don't know, maybe these situations don't have anything to do with his special needs, but the situation where he wanted to play with my son right after he was calling him names and then didn't understand when Jack didn't want to play with him made me wonder.  I do want to help this boy- he doesn't really have friends and of course there's the selfish motive of wanting to help him because it would help my kids, too.  

 

I have taken the advice I've gotten here to heart and I appreciate it.

 

 

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#36 of 58 Old 02-15-2012, 08:56 PM
 
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I told Jack he needed to tell one of the teaching assistants that was there but he told me there wasn't any close enough.  He was also 6 years old and not accustomed to these situations and how to stand up for himself. 


While I am not blaming your son in any way, this is an age appropriate skill for him to work on. It's quite common for children just starting elementary school to not know either how to stand up for themselves or when to get an adult involved, but it is absolutely age appropriate to use those situations as teaching moments.

 

I suggest doing some role playing with your son about what to do if ANY child calls him names, gets in his face, etc. Having him clearly state what he wants/doesn't want will help in many situations.

 

When my kids were little, we practiced speaking with confidence. First, stand tall, feet a little apart, shoulders back. Second, speak with authority. This is your life, your body, your personal space. There's no reason to yell or be mean, just be very, very clear. "step back, and get out of my face," "keep your tongue in your mouth" etc.  It's amazing how many situations children can diffuse for them self when they are very clear and confident.

 

Next, teach your son to go to a teacher and relate what happened without whining or tattling  - "Jack is getting in my face. I told him to stop, but he won't"  That's it. Just the facts. Most child both have a hard time starting to relate events to an adult and a hard time knowing when to stop.

 

In addition to helping with Noah, these skills will help your child with a wide variety of kid situations AND make your child far more difficult prey for a molester.

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#37 of 58 Old 02-16-2012, 06:16 AM
 
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Momof3tobe - Please understand I say this as a pot speaking to the kettle.... park the helicopter Mom.  The other Mom was correct in telling you that she doesn't get involved in petty fights and name calling is something that you should not be involved in.   You missed an opportunity to teach your son a very valuable lesson and rhyme... stick and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.  He needs to learn to stand up for himself.  At each age a new life skill will be needed and hopefully offered and learned - you took this one away from him.  Don't worry - you can give it back to him by talking to him about how to handle ANY child (special needs or not) who teases him.  You can role play - have him call you the names and you react how you would like him to react.  Ignore him, give him good comebacks, practice getting up and walking away or on the bus, moving his seat (which may get him in trouble for moving but it will get the attention of an adult).   Remember, kids who hate each other today - will be best friends tomorrow.  It's the nature of being a kid. 

 

Growing up we had a set of parents who'd always get involved in their kids fights.  The father would pull knives on the neighbors and threaten to kill them and the cops would show up and we'd all roll our eyes that he's at it again.  The next day the kids would all be playing together again and the Dad would be cooling his heals in the jail.  One day the mother showed up at our door, pointed her finger in my Mom's face and screamed that my brothers were mean to her kids and we're all a bunch of "no good dirty Jews".  My mom smiled her sweetest smile and said "you are absolutely right, my kids are rotten, if I were you, I'd never let your boys play with my boys again".  With that she shut the door and told my brothers not to play with them any more.   No way in hell was my Mom going to get into a fight with a racist helicopter Mom over boys getting into a scrap.  Those boys grew up in and out of trouble.  The oldest straightened himself out and became a policeman.  The other two... no idea.


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#38 of 58 Old 02-16-2012, 07:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree I tend to want to solve my kids' problems for them but in this situation help was warented. He was yelling at my son for a whole 25 minute bus ride. The kids were specifically told not to get out of their seats and my son is a rule follower so he was just stuck sitting there and having to take that. When I went to the guidance counselor, my original intent was to ask her what would be the protocol for situations like this? What can I tell my son he should do if this happens again so he has a plan and won't be breaking the bus rules? This is the first year he is riding the bus with older kids so I didn't want to tell him to do something that he shouldn't do. The guidance counselor told me that jack shouldn't have to deal with this himself and said she would help him. 

 

Whenever I approach the boy's mom, it's always in the spirit of "let's work together to help the kids get along" - not "tell your kid he better be nice to mine!" 

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#39 of 58 Old 02-16-2012, 07:43 AM
 
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The guidance counselor told me that jack shouldn't have to deal with this himself and said she would help him. 


While I do think it's helpful for children for to learn some techniques to deal with aggressive or bullying behavior, I absolutely agree that your son should not have to deal with this situation on his own.  I think adults have an obligation to help children with these situations, and I'm glad the people at the school are being responsive.  

 

 

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#40 of 58 Old 02-16-2012, 10:09 AM
 
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Momof3tobe - Please understand I say this as a pot speaking to the kettle.... park the helicopter Mom.  The other Mom was correct in telling you that she doesn't get involved in petty fights and name calling is something that you should not be involved in.   You missed an opportunity to teach your son a very valuable lesson and rhyme... stick and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.  He needs to learn to stand up for himself.  At each age a new life skill will be needed and hopefully offered and learned - you took this one away from him.  Don't worry - you can give it back to him by talking to him about how to handle ANY child (special needs or not) who teases him.  You can role play - have him call you the names and you react how you would like him to react.  Ignore him, give him good comebacks, practice getting up and walking away or on the bus, moving his seat (which may get him in trouble for moving but it will get the attention of an adult).   Remember, kids who hate each other today - will be best friends tomorrow.  It's the nature of being a kid. 

 

 


No. Particularly to the bolded - just no.  Children need to be protected from bullying - not taught how to handle it.  

 

Special needs or not, if the child who is doing the tormenting cannot stop, he should be kept away from her son.

 

I do think kids need to learn how to say no, stick up for themselves, etc…but they need protecting while they learn these skills, and it may take years to acquire the skills.  Quite frankly, if an adult calls me names or is inappropriate with me (rarely happens) I will stand my ground but I will also make sure I do not spend much time around that person.  

 

Oh and names hurt me far more in my childhood than any stick or stone.   I don't think we should diminish the pain names cause. 

 

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#41 of 58 Old 02-16-2012, 12:00 PM
 
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I'm not diminishing anything.   I was tortured as a child - name calling, physical abuse.  All of it.  However, the best thing my parents did for me was give me the tools I needed to deal with these people.  The child needs to learn how to handle himself when his parents aren't there to protect him.  Okay - the rhyme is definitely outdated but she can make up her own one.  It doesn't mean you won't be hurt by the name calling.  It doesn't mean it's acceptable.  However by giving him the tools he needs to handle it himself - you are doing him a service.  No, the child should NOT be allowed to call names incessantly - however her son needs to know that to protect himself, he may have to bend or even break a rule (getting up on the bus).

 

Extreme example - I heard a story on PBS given by a retired homicide detective who counsels parents on how to protect their children....

 

You spend an arm and leg on a book bag and books.  You tell your kids - those books and that bag are part of you - you are not to leave them at school, you are not to leave them at Jenny's house or at the playground or on the bus.  You will NOT LOSE THOSE BOOKS!  Imagine the pain the father felt when he was sitting with his daughter, after she had been beaten and raped, in the emergency room and she tells him, "I could have gotten away from that bad man but my books were too heavy".   Tell your kids to drop everything and run.  Tell them if they are being pulled into a car, slip out of their jacket or shirt (even girls) and run in the opposite direction screaming fire. 

 

Tell your son to do what he needs to do to keep himself safe from bullies.  If that means getting up on a moving bus and walking up to the aid or driver, then do it - you'll support him through the consequences.  

 

My sister was an overweight child.  On her first day of a new school, a kid called her fat.  She came home crying.  The next day, the girl called her fat again but this time she was ready.... "I may be fat but your ugly and I can diet".  They are still best friends today.
 

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No. Particularly to the bolded - just no.  Children need to be protected from bullying - not taught how to handle it.  

 

Special needs or not, if the child who is doing the tormenting cannot stop, he should be kept away from her son.

 

I do think kids need to learn how to say no, stick up for themselves, etc…but they need protecting while they learn these skills, and it may take years to acquire the skills.  Quite frankly, if an adult calls me names or is inappropriate with me (rarely happens) I will stand my ground but I will also make sure I do not spend much time around that person.  

 

Oh and names hurt me far more in my childhood than any stick or stone.   I don't think we should diminish the pain names cause. 

 



 


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I'm not diminishing anything.


I'm not either. At all.

 

But teaching our children how to stand up for themselves is PART of the answer -- for our sn and our nt kids.

 

 


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#43 of 58 Old 02-16-2012, 07:24 PM
 
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My son has either Mixed Expressive Receptive Language Disorder or HFA.  He engaged in name calling and other inappropriate language behaviors at home. (Not so much at school.)  If he heard something that he thought was funny, he'd repeat it over and over and over and over. Sometimes this meant saying things like "Duh!" and "Dillweed!" and "Ploopy!" and "SHUT UP!" over and over again.  He was trying to be funny, not mean. 

 

We had to teach him explicitly that his words were hurtful to other kids. He didn't get that. We also had to teach him other ways to tell jokes.   He really wanted to tell jokes so we practiced jokes and puns and silliness. We read a bunch of joke books together.  He loves doing this so much that he told a bunch of Christmas jokes for his class talent show in December. 

 

Explicit social skills teaching by adults would probably help with this kid:

 

Step 1: Explain the situation.

"What you are saying hurts X.'s feelings. It makes him feel bad. Are you trying to make him feel bad or are you trying to be funny?" 

 

Step 2: "If you want to be funny, you can do that without hurting X's feelings. When I want to be funny, I tell jokes. Here's a knock knock joke, you can tell..."

 

 

 

 

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I'm not either. At all.

 

But teaching our children how to stand up for themselves is PART of the answer -- for our sn and our nt kids.

 

 



Absolutely!  But it's a big part that a lot of parents seem to leave out of the equation. 


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#45 of 58 Old 02-17-2012, 06:34 AM
 
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Absolutely!  But it's a big part that a lot of parents seem to leave out of the equation. 


Sure.

 

it does not replace adults:

 

-setting the parameters for behaviour

-monitorring the situation

-taking moves to create a safe environment (usually through separating the parties) if the aggressor can not or will not stop.

 

 

 

 

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#46 of 58 Old 02-17-2012, 09:25 AM
 
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Absolutely!  However, you need to recognize that not all adults will recognize or acknowledge a problem and monitor the situation so empowering your child is critical.  I'm not saying you can do one without the other but it seems like a lot of parents skip this step.  


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#47 of 58 Old 02-17-2012, 03:54 PM
 
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hmmm well....

 

 

First I have to laugh at the 5 year booster shots causing her sons autism.. But I won't open that can of worms here its just asking for trouble,

 

I just wanted to add that if the boy bullying does have autism it could more than likely be a learned behaviour, as in the child has been bullied and doesn't understand that it is wrong. I know when my 20+ year old was younger and became abusive with words it was because someone was saying them to my child first, we had to work very hard to remedy the situation and explain why the words were hurtful. It was not as simple as just telling them don't say that its bad. 

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hmmm well....

 

 

First I have to laugh at the 5 year booster shots causing her sons autism.. But I won't open that can of worms here its just asking for trouble,

 

I just wanted to add that if the boy bullying does have autism it could more than likely be a learned behaviour, as in the child has been bullied and doesn't understand that it is wrong. I know when my 20+ year old was younger and became abusive with words it was because someone was saying them to my child first, we had to work very hard to remedy the situation and explain why the words were hurtful. It was not as simple as just telling them don't say that its bad. 


That's a very interesting point- it could be some learned behavior. It sounds like you dealt with this some years ago but do you happen to remember the things that you said to your son that helped him understand?

 

 

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#49 of 58 Old 02-17-2012, 07:58 PM
 
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Well I have a 5yr old with high functioning Autism. We are still in the middle of behavior training and its been quiet a road. My son can definately be the aggressive player. He so enjoys chasing kids and pushing them down, Splashing them,  roaring at them, engaging in what most would consider bully type behavior. My son is a sweet boy, he just can not handle social situatuions at all. I feel for the mom, the blind eye may be that she just has no ideas of what at all to do with her son. I typically have to work through every social interaction my son has its exhausting!!!

 

I'm not excusing the bullyin behavior or the lack of the mother involment but Has anyone tried to not responed to the bullying and actually engaing the child. So basiclly he calls someone a name (ignore the behavior, I know seems like not ana appropriate response but he may be wanting the attention and power struggle) and saying hey you want to go roll a ball back and forth. or hey can you help use find the pink sparkly rock that is lost in the sand box. I mean this kids wants friendly interaction, but  I know with my son he needs focus, he needs to know what he is suppose to do with these kids, he has no idea how to join in and when he is uncomfortable he gets aggressive.

 

I hear you all on the bullying and teaching our kids to stand up for themselves. But we should also teach our children that someone kids have issues outside of what they can see, Not that its right for Tommy to call you names, but  maybe wonder why tommy struggles being around other children.  Teach your children that not every child is out to hurt them, but some children really do struggle..  

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#50 of 58 Old 02-17-2012, 08:30 PM
 
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Do you know if the school has social classes of any sort?

 

When my oldest was in grade 6, he had a friend who had high functioning Aspergers.  he had a social class where volunteer children would play board games and the like with him.  It was highly supervised - and the goal (even of the volunteers) was to help the child learn turn taking, appropriate talk, not monopolising the conversation…..  

 

I hear what you are saying, simplygreen, and I do not doubt the child does not really know any better, and that the mother is overwhelmed.  It does not change the fact that the child in question should not play with the OP's child without direct supervision (which may be hard for the Op to manage - the friendship might peter out)

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#51 of 58 Old 02-17-2012, 10:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post


Sure.

 

it does not replace adults:


 

No, it doesn't. But it is the place to start.

 

If you think about it, the OPer started out wanting to know what she could do/say to change the other child. She later indicated that her son has zero skills for speaking up for himself. The place for her to start is teaching her son this important social skill.

 

The notion that we can change the world enough or fix everything enough that we can skip teaching our children to find their own strength is very popular in the US right now, but I believe it is misguided.  Speaking up for one's self is an important skill, one that I have worked on with both my ASD child and my NT child.

 

I find the responses to this quite bizarre. I thought other parents would chime in about how they've worked on this with their kids -- what has worked and what hasn't. Instead, it's like there's a debate about whether or not we should bother to teach our children to speak up for themselves.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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That's a very interesting point- it could be some learned behavior. It sounds like you dealt with this some years ago but do you happen to remember the things that you said to your son that helped him understand?

 

 

 

We had outside help and intervention but we used flash cards and social engaging. Often the cause was not being invited to join in the group and not knowing how to join in the group. We used training exercises (If I remember it was long ago) using soft toys and putting flash cards on them to show they were sad when told hurtful words, happy and what makes people feel what, and what it means to be happy or sad. And how to get people to play... 

 

So many hours and what a nightmarish time it was.

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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I find the responses to this quite bizarre. I thought other parents would chime in about how they've worked on this with their kids -- what has worked and what hasn't. Instead, it's like there's a debate about whether or not we should bother to teach our children to speak up for themselves.

 

No one ever said we shouldn't teach our children how to speak up for themselves.  The "debate" was about whether or not adults should be involved because it appeared to be suggested that they not.  

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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post


 

The notion that we can change the world enough or fix everything enough that we can skip teaching our children to find their own strength is very popular in the US right now, but I believe it is misguided.  Speaking up for one's self is an important skill, one that I have worked on with both my ASD child and my NT child.

 

 


Some of us grew up in a time when "boys will boys",  "sticks and stones....."  with parents and teachers who rarely became involved in altercations - even when it was clearly bullying and clearly damaging.   We have the emotional scars to prove it.

 

Do I think kids should be taught to stand up for themselves?  Absolutely.  Do I think this abdicates adults from the responsibility to monitor the situation, set parameter, etc?   Not at all.  Balance is what is needed - but I dare say if anyone should not be left to fend for themselves in this situation it is a ASD 9 year old and a 6 year old boy. 

 

 

 

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Some of us grew up in a time when "boys will boys",  "sticks and stones....."  with parents and teachers who rarely became involved in altercations - even when it was clearly bullying and clearly damaging.   We have the emotional scars to prove it.

 

Do I think kids should be taught to stand up for themselves?  Absolutely.  Do I think this abdicates adults from the responsibility to monitor the situation, set parameter, etc?   Not at all.  Balance is what is needed - but I dare say if anyone should not be left to fend for themselves in this situation it is a ASD 9 year old and a 6 year old boy. 

 

 

 


Before we met this boy my son was never in this type of situation- just little stuff like a kid cutting in line at the playground slide and stuff like that. And I worked with him on how to tell the kid that he was next and so on- but this was/is way beyond that. I myself wasn't sure what the best way was to handle it so my approach is to reach out to as many people as I can that may have some sort of insight- like the boy's mother, the guidance counselor, you ladies here... more so that I can find ways for myself to improve the situation, not so that I can change anyone else. I have worked with my son on using his "serious voice" when someone is bothering him and we talked about situations that would require getting an adult. It's a work in progress. I feel like we're at that critical age where things could go either way for both my son and this boy and I don't want to screw up.
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Hey mumof3tobe, 

 

I saw this a few days ago and I knew there was a reason I couldn't shake it from my head. I was wondering if partly why this boy bullies is because he isn't sure how to join in the games because playing with others doesn't come easily to him, there's no instructions? 

 

Would something like this help with him being able to join in? http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1346015/a-bit-off-the-parenting-topic-but-this-idea-is-so-awesome-im-stealing-it

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Originally Posted by momof3tobe View Post


Before we met this boy my son was never in this type of situation- just little stuff like a kid cutting in line at the playground slide and stuff like that. And I worked with him on how to tell the kid that he was next and so on- but this was/is way beyond that. I myself wasn't sure what the best way was to handle it so my approach is to reach out to as many people as I can that may have some sort of insight- like the boy's mother, the guidance counselor, you ladies here... more so that I can find ways for myself to improve the situation, not so that I can change anyone else. I have worked with my son on using his "serious voice" when someone is bothering him and we talked about situations that would require getting an adult. It's a work in progress. I feel like we're at that critical age where things could go either way for both my son and this boy and I don't want to screw up.


I just wanted to say that I think you are an awesome Mom for so consciously parenting your son.  


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#58 of 58 Old 02-29-2012, 05:42 PM
 
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I hear you all on the bullying and teaching our kids to stand up for themselves. But we should also teach our children that someone kids have issues outside of what they can see, Not that its right for Tommy to call you names, but  maybe wonder why tommy struggles being around other children.  Teach your children that not every child is out to hurt them, but some children really do struggle..  



My autistic son was also very aggressive when younger so I can relate to everything simplygreen has said. 

 

My thought when reading about all of Jack's issues were "WHERE ARE THE ADULTS?????"

 

This is my biggest pet peeve about this whole "bullying" issue that is so popular in the media these days. Kids are not naturally bullies, but they DO require adults to teach them social skills and conflict resolution. Traditionally children were surrounded by adults and/or older children who could teach them these skills, resolve issues before they degenerate to the nastier sides of bullying. Personally I believe that what we are all calling "bullying" these days is a symptom of the lack of adults involved in kids' daily experiences - and school is the biggest cause of this because adult:child ratios are unnaturally small there. There is no way teachers can monitor every social interaction in a big group of kids. Why didn't anybody step in and intervene when Jack was on the receiving end of these actions? 

 

Anyways, the OP described some of "Noah's" behaviours and he reminded me a lot of my son at that age, although I certainly would not just stand by and do nothing (maybe the mother was just mortified and too embarrassed to say anything  - I've been there for sure), but I think this whole "anti-bullying" stuff (as I write this it is pink shirt day in schools here) makes it really easy to label kids like Noah, like my son, like simplygreen's son, as "bullies". Which then makes them the "bad guys" rather than seeking to understand these kids.

 

So, my two points are: 1) seek to understand that behaviour as that shown by Noah can be that particular child's challenge and should be thought of that way rather than someone who is committing a crime (not saying the OP did this, btw). And 2) the issue of kids either learning "sticks and stones" (a philosophy I heartily disagree with, btw) or being "taught to stand up for themselves" is, I believe, moot and a red herring that detracts from the true cause of bullying which is lack of adult guidance and involvement (due to not enough adults around per child to be able to monitor all social interactions and situations). 

 

Personally, if I were the OP I would be present with my child during all play interactions in the 'hood AND i would be considering other schooling arrangements since obviously his current situation is not good enough; i simply would not put up with my child being in a situation where those sorts of experiences can go unnoticed

 

okay, I'm a bit rant-y today. PMS. forgive me if I'm being a bit bitchy. ;-)


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