Social skills for oblivious, passive toddlers? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 02-25-2012, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi, mamas. My heart hurts today, a little.

 

We just got back from a birthday party for an acquaintance's 3-year-old. V is 26-months, and there was a 27-month-old little girl there.

 

V got screamed at, pushed around, knocked down, etc, and never once blinked an eye, moved away, said a word, or changed her facial expression. She doesn't react at all. I was on her like white on rice, but I had the baby, too, and you know how volatile preschoolers can be...

 

It wasn't concerning when she was like this at 12-months. It was only a little odd when she was 18-months, but now? It's hard to see. She's so oblivious and placid around other kids. She doesn't know what to do and doesn't even realize the other kids were being "mean." (I'm talking her dad off a cliff right now, he's so pissed that the other parents didn't control their kids, but seriously. Kids push. *Most* kids react, somehow, in some way, to being pushed, but ours doesn't.

 

 

What can we do to help her? Is there anything that can help such little kids learn even a tiny amount of social skills? It kills me that she's already such an easy target. Yeah, cool, go take Valentine's toys. She won't say anything. It's fine.


Doctors aren't out to kill you or your children. Childbirth isn't inherently safe. Science is actually smarter than your intuition. Lighten up. Use sunscreen.

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#2 of 10 Old 02-25-2012, 05:08 PM
 
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The best way to get my kids to do something and respond to things more appropriately has been through role playing.


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#3 of 10 Old 02-25-2012, 05:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess I should have mentioned that she very likely has autism and her ability to role play or pretend is close to nonexistent. She is able to imitate when prompted and is very echolalic, but has a speech and language delay as well, so even if I could teach her to say "don't hit me," when she's hit, odds aren't good that a) she'd be able to recall and apply it or b) if she could, she wouldn't be understood because her words are almost all approximations. She gets an hour of speech a week and an hour of OT a month, but that's it right now.

 

Thank you very much, though!


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#4 of 10 Old 02-25-2012, 05:20 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you and your daughter had a rough day. Besides with other children, how is she about social behavior at home? Imitation, expressing her wishes, understanding you? Might take some lessons though, and at barely 2 any lesson can take being led by the hand and shown what to do.

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#5 of 10 Old 02-25-2012, 05:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Her overall social skills are lousy. She's started to ask for food and juice, but is aloof with her dad and me. No calling for us, no seeking comfort, no interaction initiation...

 

I don't know. We saw the neuro on Tuesday, and I was *so* prepared for him to tell us to buzz off and stop overreacting, but, no. He saw everything and ordered a chromosomal microarray. We see him again in 3 months, and currently she has a congenital hypotonia, speech and language disorder NOS, and a developmental delay: social NOS dxs. 

 

We have a 5-month-old baby, and V ignores her. She's just generally oblivious to everyone, and just wants to do her own thing, all the time. She likes that I can reach things for her, and open things. 

 

Thank you. It was a really hard day. She was on day 4 of not pooping, so it was meltdown city all morning, then she didn't nap because of the party, but we had a nice evening. Mostly it's just so hard for me to see her next to peers and be so different, and look so confused. I have mild AS myself, and I *KNOW* it's totally cool to just float and wander and feel perfectly happy, but, I don't know.

 

It's like... she's hyposensitive to pain, but it still sucks to see her cut her face open, even if she doesn't even notice. And it sucks because she's *so* young. Like, it's not going to get easier for a long, long time. 

 

Thank you.


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#6 of 10 Old 02-25-2012, 06:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, also I think I just figured out the answer.

 

Since socially she's very much like a reserved 1-year-old, and I wouldn't be trying to teach my 12-mo-old to stand up for herself and understand social cues but instead insure that she doesn't get knocked around by the bigger kids, probably I guess, for now, my job is to just keep modelling and talking and practicing, and to keep her safe.

 

I mean, does that make sense? (Her dad and I talk a lot about friends, that hugs make people happy, we should say 'sorry' if we bump someone, etc, and her manners are amazing-- she's seriously the most polite little parrot, so adorable-- but even though she's tall and clever and has a brilliant memory, in a lot of ways, she's just plain *not* 26-months-old developmentally. 

 

I'm sorry, all-- I'm just ranting. I thought I'd processed this all a few times, now, but it really just kinda hit me again tonight, and I don't really have anyone to talk to (okay, let's be honest- anyone to talk AT). All those fears and what-ifs and will-she-ever-be-able-tos, you know. It's just a very lonely, hard night for this ole gal.

 

Thanks *so* much for reading this. 


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#7 of 10 Old 02-25-2012, 07:48 PM
 
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My DS1 will turn 3 in April. He is not autistic (that we think anyway!), he is very passive, reserved, with speech delays, maybe motor planning issues, we really don't know. He basically acts like he is one year younger then he really is. And that is how I have to treat him, instead of thinking he is almost 3, I think of him as being almost 2. He has two older sisters, and he JUST this week learned to say "stop it" to them, which is huge because he gets pushed around a lot. With other kids though, he still just stands there and takes what ever treatment they give him. Yesterday I had to intervene after a boy pushed him, the boy's mother made him come over to say he was sorry to DS1 but DS1 has no comprehension of an apology! She kept trying to get him to hold still and look at the boy, and DS1 is just bouncing everywhere not aware to what was going on, I don't think he ever knew the other boy had pushed him. He has an excellent memory as well but as far as all the other things, he just doesn't get. So yes, I'd say you have it right, you just have to model and model and model and then maybe someday it will kick in. hug2.gif

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#8 of 10 Old 02-25-2012, 08:59 PM
 
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That's hard. I don't have any good advice, just want to say that I hope it will get easier on you and your little sweetheart. 

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#9 of 10 Old 02-26-2012, 06:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Tangledblue- thank you!

 

Peony- yes, exactly, you're right. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, and keep V's challenges in mind while *not* dwelling on them. 

 

Shockingly, I feel much better after a good night's sleep. Weird how that works, huh?

 

This is the kind of parenting stuff that's so hard for me. The basics? Easy-peasy. But this abstract heart stuff is difficult, and I'm trying my damnedest to keep my head in the now and not think about all the heartache to come, which is probably good advice for parents of every kid.

 

 

Thanks so much everyone. I'm so glad the SN board exists.


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#10 of 10 Old 02-29-2012, 04:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ErinYay View Post

Oh, also I think I just figured out the answer.

 

Since socially she's very much like a reserved 1-year-old, and I wouldn't be trying to teach my 12-mo-old to stand up for herself and understand social cues but instead insure that she doesn't get knocked around by the bigger kids, probably I guess, for now, my job is to just keep modelling and talking and practicing, and to keep her safe.

 

 


That is exactly what I was going to offer as my advice. :-) 

 

Even if kids can't respond or speak for themselves, they take in what is going on. Modelling is a great thing you can do. Shadow her, share her experiences. She's playing and you are beside her and someone takes her toy. You might say to the other child "I don't think V was done with that toy yet". You might ask V "do you still want to play with this?" even if she cannot respond. You can answer for her "It looks like you are done so we will let this child have a turn with it". Or, to the child, I don't think V is done with it yet but we will make sure you get the next turn when she is done. Then follow through on that later. 

 

On days when I get frustrated I have to remind myself (even though I've reminded myself this over and over, lol) that emotionally DS is not his age of 7. In many ways he is more like a 5 year old and I have to remember that otherwise I expect too much of him. 

 

PS - I just had to say that you sound like such a great mum and I"m sorry you are struggling with all this with your DD


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