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#1 of 20 Old 10-13-2012, 12:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi! My son is 15 years old.He has developmental delays.frontal lobe and executive function delays,pshycomotor deficit and boarderline IQ. He also has medical disiblities that hinder him from doing things.He is in an semi seculuded classroom in school and is in the 9th grade.I am wondering what I should do here,when I don't let him do something,like stand out in the cold rain to wait for his grandmother to pick him up,he usually says something like,your so over protective,you never let me do anything like other 15 year olds do,when I get 18 I am going to do what I want and you have no say about it.He says this no matter where he is,if he doesn't like what I am doing.His has raised his voice at me,and has argued back with me.Yesterday,he has challenged me and his mood had become defiant towhere there was no use in arguing,after telling him no he could not stnad in the rain,he went inside put on his sneakers and a hoodie and told me now I am going to stand in the rain.He was set to do just this,and I finally told him you have a choice you can stand in the rain and get soaked and not go to your grandmothers or you can stand under the porch.Things like this have been happening frequently,like to day he would not listen to me,I wanted to have a conversation with him about something,and he was trying to focus on his card game.He said "mom not now"I told him I am going to share this with you either way,you are not to speak to me in that tone,it is very rude.THen I finished what I told him and he said"see that was not even important!"I couldn't believe how he was talking to me,he talks to me in avery demanding or rude way.But I don't know when to give him the independence he needs,I am afraid that when he hits 18,he will want to be free of me so bad that he will just leave without a 2nd thought .He has very poor social skills,and I am thinking aalot of the problems he has with the Neighborhood kids is because of his rudeness,how easily frustrated he gets when things don't go his way and not being able to understand facial cues.He can pester the kids here even when they have no intrest in hanging out with him,to the point where they just leave him out of things, and he will make excuses for them. Some days I feel like shipping him offf to some one else,because I hate fighting with him and he doesn't want to listen to me,he wants every thing to go his way or he wants to be right all the time,and when hes not/its not,his tone goes up and he starts arguing with me.He is also very strong-willed and once he has something in his head,there is no changing it or it is very hard to change.I have tried to look for books that may touch on the subject,but I have not found any.Do any of you have any advice for me?What do you do when you tell your child for the 10/20th time,no your not allowed to go there but he does it anyways?I have grounded him from everything I ccan think of,but he still does the same things.
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#2 of 20 Old 10-13-2012, 01:26 PM
 
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Hi Scootles.  Welcome to MDC and the special needs parenting forum.  I have a 13 year old who is on the spectrum.   His main struggles at this point are social.  I often have a hard time figuring out what is typical teen behavior and what is related to his social issues.  I'm beginning to realize that a lot of his attitude is just typical teen behavior. 

 

The way I have begun to deal with it is to pick my battles and keep them to things that are really important to his well being.  In the example about standing in the rain, I probably wouldn't have bothered arguing with him.  Getting wet and cold isn't going to hurt him, but he will be cold!  That's a natural consequence of his behavior.  I've noticed when I don't argue with ds1 about stuff like that, he often comes in and puts on a coat without me even asking. 

 

It sounds like your son wants more independence.  So maybe you could give him a little more on things that aren't all that important?  As for the nasty tone of voice, it drives me nuts.  That being said, I am trying my hardest to ignore it or to discuss it at a time where he isn't already worked up about something.  I often won't even acknowledge it when he speaks to me like that.  It seems to make him actually think about what he is saying or how he's saying it. 

 

The teenage years are going to be rough!

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#3 of 20 Old 10-14-2012, 02:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes,I understand but what do you do when he is delibratly defiant?Like going plasses without telling you,ending up in places where you have told him more than once he is not allowed to go? I aam tired of argueing with him but don't know how to give him disapline on these issues when grounding has become the norm and has no effect. The thing about the rain due to his medical issues he can't be in it for long anyhow,he has a low immune system and he would be the one who would be sick for standing in it for two weeks,not the other kids.He has a become a follower,which worries me.He yells me all the time "they can do it why can't I"I am scared that one day he is going to come across someone who will take advantage of him.Example geting off the school bus at the wrong stop just because the other kids who live in this area did,he ended up walking home. ..He doesn't think about what could happen and the dangers of doing it,he just gets the notion to do it and he does,reguardless of what happens later on.,,,,like wanting to go to his grandmothers because he met a kid in school that lives near her and he wanted to go to his house.I don't know their living situation or these people,all my son says is not to worry mom it will be ok...I don't know if I should just let him,let his grandmother know so she is aware,or have him get the kids phone number and I call to speak with his parents,or have him come over here first....being that he wants independence,he is wanting me to trust him to go there...so I don't know...What if he pulls out the drinks and drugs in his bedroom???I always have this in the back of my mind,and so scared that even though my son knows its wrong will bend to the pressure because he wants to be cool and like the other kids and will not make the right choice.
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#4 of 20 Old 10-14-2012, 06:15 AM
 
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hug2.gif  It is scary!  I have some of the same thoughts too. My ds will be going to highschool next year, and I do get worried someone will take advantage of him.  The one thing I can say is that he has 2 good friends and I think they all sort of look out for each other. Does your son have a friend that you trust him with or maybe another adult that would be able to take him out?  My ds is better behaved for other people than for me.  I'm his mom, so at the moment, I represent his childhood, and he's not really wanting to be a child anymore, even though he still is!  dizzy.gif

 

 

Are there any small things you could give in on? 

I like the idea of you calling the parents of this new kid your son has made. Is it a possibility that you or his grandma could go over with him so you know where the house is and get a chance to meet the parents?  Also, does he have a cell phone?  This has really helped me be able to let ds1 go a little further out of my reach.  I feel better knowing that I can get a hold of him and he can get a hold of me. 

 

Does he do any after school programs?  Maybe getting him involved in a club or something he can hang out with kids his age under a more structured environment would help. 

 

 

The bus thing would be something I'd discuss with the school.  It should be on his IEP and the bus driver should be aware of the situation.  The kids here are only allowed off at another stop if they have a note.  That is certainly something that could affect his well being. 

 

As for the drugs and drinking, do you think the kids he's hanging out with are doing this stuff?  I'd be really careful about who he's hangingout with.  Have the kids come to your place if you can so that you can keep a closer eye on them and get to know them. 

 

Deliberately defiant, yup, drives me crazy.  We haven't been able to get rid of it all together (I try to remember how I spoke to my mom when I was that age!  It makes me cringe sometime!  LOL!).  But what has helped has been instead of just punishing for bad behavior, rewarding for good behavior.  My kids have a specific amount of computer time they're allowed everday.  They love the computer, so when they do something good, they get more time, something bad, they lose times.  I'll give ds1 5 minutes if he answers me nicely, even if it's just asking him if he has homework. 

 

I do think it's harder with teenagers who have special needs, because a lot of kids like that are less mature.  They have impulse control issues that are above and beyond other teens.  So the balance you need to find is even more difficult.  I'd say, compromise in any way you can. 

 

The rain thing for instance, you said that he has some immune issues.  What about saying, sure wait outside, but take this umbrella.  And, a win/win there have been studies that show that kids who spend more time outside, tend to get sick less often!  I guess it has to do with the fact that the germs aren't trapped in an enclosed area, so kids are less likely to get exposed to the germs. 


 
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#5 of 20 Old 10-14-2012, 09:21 AM
 
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You could try contacting speech language pathologists in your area and see if you can find a social skills group for teens; I had my 8yo in a group this summer and would have continued if traffic didn't make it not doable during the school year.
 

I also recommend the books of George T. Lynn; you may want to start with Genius!


"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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#6 of 20 Old 10-15-2012, 12:30 AM
 
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I have a 16 year old DD with autism and a typically developing 14 year old. It sounds like there are ongoing issues about him wanting more freedom.  My thought is that finding ways for him to have more freedom and starting to develop the life skills necessary to safely use that freedom is the next step. I recommend getting him a cell phone, programming your and his grandmother's numbers into it, and then teaching him to use it. It may take some coaching on your part for him to learn to plug it in at night and remember to take it when he leaves the house. But then, if he needs you, he will be able to reach you. And you'll be able to reach him. Some cell phone plans have tracking where you can check where the cell phone is located, theoretically telling you where you son is located.
 

I also think that being more realistic about setting up a time to talk with him rather than interrupting what he is doing would help the relationship. This is a really normal teen thing, not a special needs thing. He is separating from you, which is what teens do. This phase of life is about independence and life skills, and yes, it is extremely worrisome with a special needs teen. None the less, being respectful of the fact that they are separating from us -- both in their interest/how they spend time AND in where they are/who they are with will start paving the way for him to be respectful back. It's not magic or anything, don't expect him to change overnight or without coaching. However, I think that without you taking those first steps of being respectful of him, he will stay stuck being rude at you because it's all he's got.

 

The friend from school is a sticky situation that comes down to how intense your child's mental challenges are. Typically, kids his age go over to other people's houses even when the parents haven't met. My kids take cell phones and would call me if anything were off. They are both pretty good judges of character.

 

Because he has challenges, it might be appropriate to call/email the special needs teacher ask about the teen and his home situation, possible for help is setting up a playdate.  I don't consider a fear of drugs as appropriate for intervening to this level. This is a teen parenting thing -- if we hover too much, they just figure out how to sneak around so avoid the oversight. It sounds like your son is figuring that out already, so it sounds like it might be a situation where he could take a cell phone and be off. I think calling around and going over a 14 year olds head is appropriate ONLY if their special needs make it necessary.

 

However you decide to handle it, I think that part of our job with our special needs teens is to help them find their way in the world, and to help figure out a safe way for them to pursue the things they want to. He wants to pursue a friendship, so rather than "no,"  I think it would be best to figure out "how."


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#7 of 20 Old 10-16-2012, 01:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What would you do if your 15 year old got suspended from school for 3 days?What would be the appropriate punishment??
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#8 of 20 Old 10-16-2012, 04:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by scootles View Post

What would you do if your 15 year old got suspended from school for 3 days?What would be the appropriate punishment??

hug2.gif  That sucks!  My son was 11 when he got suspended for a day.  He was so upset!  What did your son do and how did he feel about the suspension?


 
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#9 of 20 Old 10-17-2012, 06:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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when school started in August my son was in the vice principals off ice about 4 times.(previously he was homeschooled for 2 years)so the teachers chalked it up to "testing"them to see what he can get away with,and geting used to school again.Well,one of the visits then was,he put up his middle finger to a teacher on bus duty....the vice principal then told him if he did it again,he would be suspended for 10 days.....months passed and no misbehaviors occured,until yesterday.Mind you during this time,he would beg me to stay home,he hates school and wants to be homeschooled again,I told him no this was your choice and so we are sticking to your choice. So yesterday,he begged me again to stay home but I kept saying no...he has a hard time with"no" and will keep whining and making excuses until he gets what he wants,sometimes it annoys me because he will keep on until I must of told him no 5 or more times and then I get frustrated as to why he is not understanding....but anyhow,yesterday,I get the call and I knew immediatly if it was the vice principal it was no good! So what happened was my son put up his middle finger again this time trying to cover it up with his hand,telling the principal,its a new thing the kids are doing(rhich is telling me he is following and not thinnking of the consequences)which I know he knows better,and knows right from wrong.It scares me to think how willing he will be to follow someone to be cool or just to fit in....Well,The vice principal told me it is now illegal for him to do this,and that if it continues he will be visiting the police officer on campus and charges can be brought against him! My how things changed,years ago,flipping off was used quite often and there was not such a severe consequence for it....He continued to tell me that he was suposed to suspend him for 10 days for this,but because my son is always wanting to go home,he is going to have to to suspend him,but only for 3 days.....So what I have done,is calmly called his teacher to see if she had input as to what went on,she said when he gets mad and frustrated,and can't get his way,he does that..She said yesterday he wasn't following anyone he was just mad and did it. She sent home his work for 3 days.So when he got home,he already knew what I was going to say and walked in the door"I know,I know you don't have to say anything",So I said but yes I do,I have to tell you what the consequences are....You will be punished for the amount of days your not in school,you will not play any viedo games at all,no t.v.of your choosing,you are only to watch what I am watching(he thinks what I watch is boring)you are to stay in the living room,you are only allowed to go in your room to get books to read,and to sleep.You are not allowed to go outside.Every day you will be doing your assignments from school until they are done.If you have extra time on your hands you have many books to choose from....ya know I don't think it is phasing him at how serious of what he did is(which worries me)I had him call his grandmother and he told her what happened and his weekend visit is now cancelled.This morning he told me well atleast I got to stay home for 3 days....I coudn't beleive it and I did not know how to respond,after wards he said,I will never do this again,but didn;t go into it further,so I said but do you remember why you are here in the first place....he didn't say a word.But what I am hoping is that when he sees how bored its going ot get for him in the next few days,it will hit him,he hates to be bored. I am going to try to answer some of the last two post.I understand he wants independence but because he has been getting into trouble in school,and doing things at home ,each time I do,something happens and I don't know the approriate way to disapline him for it.I figure he doesn't show enough responsiblity ,even though he is wanting to do things.He does have a cell phone,but I have stopped letting him take it with him because he leaves it behind...We live in an apartment complex and the rules here is that if you are under the age of 18,you are to be supervised and you are not to be outside on the playgroung when it gets dark.There has been many arguements with hjim and the neighboor kids whome he calls his friends.He has when angry,told them I hate you,I am going to beat you down and things of that nature.This is why he is not allowed to go to certain areas,people has asked him to go home sevral times.There was one incident where because he was so higly frustrated and did not want to hear any resoning from me,his freinds were ignoring him giving him the slient tratment,he just took off on his bike! I had to get the police and they finally found him at his grandmothers and brought him home! These boys are younger then him,they attend the same school and know that my son has some disablities,so they hang out with each other and tend to leave my son out,my son does not understand this,he can't understand why they won't ask him to spend the night,or to go places,but even when they do include him they trat him badly and my son still wants to hang out with them,he has followed them before....and I had to call him in,and explain to him and he would make excuses for them saying it was ok...This is severe social skill problems that I can't make him understand,he tells me if I don't hang with them I will have no one to hang with,which I understand.I do not agree with at this age drugs is not a concern,I have seen 9/10 year olds experiemnt with drugs and drinking!If the kids aren't doing it,then the parents are.I know alot of parents here wo either do one or both or sell drugs to others.My son always asks me why he can't go into certain homes while his friends can,I tell him for the reasons above.He just says "oh",although my son knows about it and convincingly tells me he would never do it,the way he has been following people to fit in or just to be cool,I worry if he can make the right choice when it comes down to it.As for clubs,and activites after school,There are a few we talked about,but thing about it is,my son hates to compete.He has some intrest in the chess club and I am looking into it for him,but he just wants to play not compete.In january I am going to tryt o get him into martial arts of some kind....but thats it in a nut shell,it seems his frustration and dealing with it is the problem,and social skills...
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#10 of 20 Old 10-17-2012, 08:46 AM
 
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Your son hates school and doesn't want to be there, so he did exactly what he had been told to do if he didn't want to be there. The foolish principal gave him instructions on how to get out of school, and he followed them.

 

That is completely and totally something my DD would do.

 

IMHO, you need to get to the bottom of why he hates school and deal with the root issues instead of having a power struggle with him (he'll win, not you)

 

I'd also check into other educational options for him. My DD hated traditional school, but does really well at an alternative school.

 

Social skills class was very good for my DD, BTW.

 

(also, please use paragraph breaks in your long post to make them easier to read.)


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#11 of 20 Old 10-18-2012, 03:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes,he always tells him what can happen if the behavior continues,but so do I?I don't think he does this to give him ideas,but to scare him from doing it again...as I do...I have tried to find a social skills class for him but there are not any for teens around. As for hating school,he does not like to work,period.Its either too boring or too hard.They have modified his work so now its just too boring..That is why I have homeschooled him for two years,but even here at home he didn't want to work!He has said he is going to drop out when he turns 18,He will turn 18 his senior year.
There is no Alturnative schools here either,and I can't afford a private school which is more acedemic challenging,so I see no other choice.
Yesterday we got in to a shouting match..withhim saying I won't let him do anything,I am over protective,he then listed things I won't let him do at the top of his lungs...wear colonge(I have allegies,and get migraines if the colonge/smell is too strong.He wants to wear Axe,and I think that is highly a strong colonge and got a head ache immediatly after he sprayed it,he smelt like a old woman at church!!LOL
His clothes,he said I won't let him wear what he wants to wear......many of what the teens wear these days,I don't approve of,and most of it is expensive.I have asked my son on a number of occassions if he wants to go clothes shoppping with me,so he can pick out clothing he likes as long as its not offensive and decent.He always says no and leaves it up to me to pick out. I also have to set up his clothes for school in the moring because he has no concept of matching/what goes togther.Something about his friends at school,think this was when I told him not to follow others because he will be the one who gets in trouble....balling up his fist,putting his middle finger up and trying to hide it,these are not good choices to follow.Television shows,I hate adult carttons,and I don't watch them,he wants to watch them as well as RAW and stuff that gives the wrong messages.I have explained to him that there are alot of mature/adult subjects that i don't even care to watch in those carttons and I wish they were not on the air,but this has been one of the things he continually brings up that he is going to watch when he turns 18.
I didn't know how to respond to him and chose not to respond to him because he was at that point yelling at me.Then the famous,"when I turn 18,I can do anything that I want "entered the match! (I hate this whole phrase at this point!I have heard it more then I need to)I said well,actually,when you turn 18,things change,but they get harder and the rules do not change just because your 18,you still have to abide by them,his responce was,then I will move out and get my own place,then no one can tell me what to do and I can do anything I want. (My daughter did this on her 18th birthday,no warning or plans or money,and she is still struggling with two children in tow)I don't want that for my son. I just don't know how to respond when he tells me things like this,and so I just shut down and fell under appreciated and O am doing everything wrong......
As for the "grounding"Now he thinks that if he does something good,he will not have to continue to be punished for being suspended.He is still not getting why he is not allowed to do anything for 3 days,and thinks what he did isn't serious at all,atleast thats the impression I have been getting.
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#12 of 20 Old 10-19-2012, 12:13 AM
 
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I don't think he does this to give him ideas,but to scare him from doing it again...as I do..
He wants to wear Axe,and I think that is highly a strong colonge and got a head ache immediatly after he sprayed it,he smelt like a old woman at church!!LOL
 

 

yeah, the principal was trying to scare him, but it didn't work. It was just instructions.

 

I find your attitude toward your son mean spirited. He wants to put effort into his grooming, and you put him down and laugh. Even if you don't do it to his face, he's picking up on the attitude. It's just mean. 

 

Mothering.com is an attachment parenting / natural family living / gentle discipline web site. On the special needs board, we try to figure out how to apply those concepts to our children who are different in some way. But the base is always loving kindness. Always.

 

You raised your daughter in such a way that all she wanted to do was get away from you, and now you are repeating the same things with your son. You could chose to change. You could chose to shift your attitude (and then words and actions) to ones of love, acceptance, and kindness. It could shift everything around in your relationship with your son.

 

But it has to start with you.

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#13 of 20 Old 10-20-2012, 06:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't laugh or put down my son,this was my thought as I responded to the post at the time.You say I am mean,that is not fair to judge me,you do not know me,so what am I supposed to do just let him have what he wants to wear without consideration to others?I am highly asthmatic and have allergies to certain scents,especially that of strong stuff,now although I have not approved of him wearing AXE,I have compromised and bought him a lighter scent stuff,he thinks AXE will attract the females and thats why he wants to use it(ala the television commercial)...
So Again,I am mean ,so I should let him just do what he wants to do,like watch the Adult Cartoons ectra,I don't know,alot of parents will not let thier kids watch those either....You say that I need to change as iw ill drive my son away like I did my daughter,my daughter met up with an abusive boy when she was 15 and she married himand he has tried to kill her a couple of times(it was his influence on her that changed her and he convinced her to leave,at 18. )Changing would of not made a diffrence on her at all but she would of took it as giving her permission ,as would my son.Your statement of what this group is about ,tells me you think I don't belong here,I came for help,thats why I am here.You said I need to change but you didn't tell me how,so do so then,tell me how you would handle my son...On conditions?You can have this if you do that??? You blast my parenting skills and basically tell me I am driving my kids away,so tell me then what to do,seems like you left that part out.
If I don't belong here ,I will not continue to post.I came for help and others have communicated with me without blasting me,I appreciate that and Thank you all for your help.
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#14 of 20 Old 10-20-2012, 07:35 AM
 
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Scooties-

 

Here's the thing, you've been given a lot of good advice.  You are refusing to listen or think about what has been said to you.  Linda very clearly stated the principles of MDC.  If you are looking for another type of advice, you are not going to get it at MDC.  Nothing is going to change with your son unless you are willing to change your parenting style.  It hasn't worked so far, so why not give something else a chance?

 

Quote:
Mothering.com is an attachment parenting / natural family living / gentle discipline web site. On the special needs board, we try to figure out how to apply those concepts to our children who are different in some way. But the base is always loving kindness. Always.

 
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#15 of 20 Old 10-20-2012, 12:16 PM
 
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You said I need to change but you didn't tell me how,so do so then,tell me how you would handle my son..

If I don't belong here ,I will not continue to post.

 

 

I've made several very specific suggestions about things you could try, and you've ignored every single one.

 

It's up for you to decide if you belong here. There is a core belief here and right now you don't seem to understand or care what that is.

 

If you decide you want to figure out how to make gentle discipline a reality with your special needs teen, there are lots of posters here, me included, who are willing to help you brain storm on that.

 

If you are not interested in treating your son with love, respect and kindness, then you might not belong here. That's for you to decide.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#16 of 20 Old 10-21-2012, 10:21 AM
 
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I don't know if you are still reading or not, but….

 

I would make a list of all the things he wants, and see if you can give on any of them.  I think it is natural for all teenagers to want to become more independent. I would allow him to make choices that are not going to greatly impact him or others.  Hairstyle, most clothes, what he wants to watch on tv - these are choices he can make.  Safety issue or things that are likely to cause behaviour/serious social issues - probably not.  

 

As per the Axe - I hear you!  Many in my family are scent sensitive.  I find most deodorants only smell for the first 5 minutes - if he stays in his room for a few minutes post deodorant, he may be able to wear what he wants.  Putting it on just before he leaves for school might work as well.  If that does not work, a milder smelling one may help (which i know you said you bought)  Deodorant crystals are smell free. If you want to vent here about him smelling like a church lady, or not liking the smell, that is Okay by me, just make sure to point out you are venting and not saying this to your DS.  Lots of teens (and not only SN ones) struggle with remembering hygiene - you are actually really lucky that he wants to work on this!  

 

Welcome to MDC.


There is a battle of two wolves inside us.  One is good and the other is evil.  The wolf that wins is the one you feed.

 

Book and herb loving mama to 1 preteen and 2 teens (when did that happen?).  We travel, go to school, homeschool, live rurally, eat our veggies, spend too much time...

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#17 of 20 Old 10-21-2012, 10:39 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

 

 If you want to vent here about him smelling like a church lady, or not liking the smell, that is Okay by me,

 

 

Its really not OK for anyone to come to the special needs board and laugh at their kid. Not appropriate at all.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#18 of 20 Old 10-21-2012, 11:33 AM
 
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Its really not OK for anyone to come to the special needs board and laugh at their kid. Not appropriate at all.

I did not see it as that. It was one line - saying he smelled like an old lady at church.   I have seen way worse.  I won't argue on whether it is appropriate to laugh at your kids on MDC or on the SN forum (and you can laugh in a friendly spirit and laugh in a mean spirit - and which is which can be very hard to convey online). 


There is a battle of two wolves inside us.  One is good and the other is evil.  The wolf that wins is the one you feed.

 

Book and herb loving mama to 1 preteen and 2 teens (when did that happen?).  We travel, go to school, homeschool, live rurally, eat our veggies, spend too much time...

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#19 of 20 Old 10-29-2012, 11:41 PM
 
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Its really not OK for anyone to come to the special needs board and laugh at their kid. Not appropriate at all.

 

 

Sc​ooties~

 

I don't know if you are still on the boards or not, but I just want you to know that I don't usually sign up to comment on these boards, I usually just read the advice given to the other parents.  This time I just had to register and stand up for you.  I am a good, Christian mother to a teen boy with Asperger's.  He also has other issues like ADHD, Anxiety NOS, and other bits and pieces that would fit with OCD and PTSD.

 

I tell you that I am a good mom, not because I feel like I am one, because 99 out of 100 days, I don't.  But my kids (my daughter also has special needs) will tell you that I am.  I know that because they tell me.  The only reason they tell me is because I am disabled and ill.  They tell me to make me smile.  But the truth of the matter is, I am a good mom.  I make mistakes.  Some days they are doozies.  And on my BEST day they are worse than putting an LOL at the end of a comment, made on a board that I, too, would have assumed was about camaraderie and offering a kind word, a shoulder to lean on, and good advice.  I know that's what I come for.  I, as a 40 year-old woman who wears perfume and attends church, and has been accused of being an old lady myself...did not take offense at your comment.  The LOL was about the old ladies at church, not really your son anyway.  Besides...I wear my son's Axe all the time because I love the way it smells!  LOL!  Too funny!

 

My kids used to get bullied every day.  They have had a really tough go of it.  I also home-schooled for part of their education and then went back to public school because I could not offer them what I felt they needed.  I know that some thought Scooties was being unkind to her son.  But after all of the bulllies, and truly horrible parents we have seen, whether it is on the news or in our personal lives, I think we can all say this was NOT the sentiment of a mean spirited mother who needed to be reprimanded.  If she would have come on here and used the "r" word , I'd have been right along with you.  She didn't.  She said he smelled like the perfumed church women.  Honestly, couldn't we all instantly smell what she meant and smile?  It wasn't a mean comment.  She wasn't hurting him.  We as parents have a right to express ourselves, and if we are going to help her be a better parent, then it may be beneficial to be a place where we can offer her a more warm environment to vent and then explain that kids pick up on the stress of the parents (as I've learned with my illness).  We could help encourage her to find ways to calm her fears (hot, very hot, bubble baths....a hobby she enjoys, reconnecting with friends she hasn't been able to see).

 

I think sometimes people also forget that not everyone is from a city or has the money to afford to drive to where services are available.  I have no idea if this is an issue for her or not, but for a lot of people it may be.  We were fortunate to get our son into a group therapy last summer, but it was only for the summer and we definitely don't have ANY behavioral classes offered anywhere near where we are from.  My kids are in weekly therapy...my son for his Asperger's.  Hopefully he is getting his behavioral adaptation needs met there.  His doctor is amazing and I have seen great improvement.  He has a lot of triggers socially that it would be nice if he could learn to cope with, but he hasn't been in therapy very long.  

 

These teen years are tough.  I just want all mothers with special needs kids to have someone to lean on...and your principles are great!  But that teen boy needs help.  And the mother, from all she was saying, was just frustrated right now.  As I read her posts, I saw a mom who was doing really good things.

 

  1. Wanting to check out the new friends before he went over. Incredibly important - kids I never dreamed would do drugs are dealing them in our small town!!
  2. Not letting him watch adult cartoons.  They are raunchy.  I hate to admit that we watch Family Guy and American Dad.  I see why she's concerned!  GREAT JOB!!!
  3. Being particular about what he wears.  There are all kinds of double meaning phrases.  My mom could easily buy clothes for my kids that would get them in the Principal's office.

 

I guess my point is, where others might have thought she was doing one thing, I as someone who could totally empathize, saw something totally different.  Maybe depending on where on life's journey we are, what kind of week we are having, something can look totally different.  I just hope that Scooties is still around.  I get what she was going through, and how a joke can be taken wrong.  She wasn't picking on her son.  I think she loves her son, or she wouldn't have taken so much time out of her life to come on your board, read through the posts, decide it didn't cover her problem, pose her question, and then press for help.  I don't think she was ignoring your ideas, either.  I just think she needed a friend...a friend with similar struggles.  They can be hard to find if there aren't support groups in her area.

 

Sorry for the long post...I was just so hurting for her...and not wanting someone else not to post because they were scared to.  I'm not a "poster".  I just read what everybody else has to say.  I mean no disrespect.  Everybody has off days.  Maybe mine is today and I will tick off everybody on the site for saying anything.  I just have to do what I think is right.

 

Hope everyone has wonderful days with their loved ones!

 

stillheart.gif4 My Kids

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#20 of 20 Old 10-30-2012, 12:10 AM
 
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Congrats, you son is behaving as normal teen.  I am not being sarcastic.

 

It is a good sign. It means he has the will to be independent and you need to lay off him. Pick your battles. Let him stay in the  rain, if you do not care, he will come in 5 minutes.

 

Do not pick his clothes. Who care if they match? He will learn eventually.

 

 

You son  has more abilities and talents than you suspect.

 

If you continues the way you are now, he will move aways at 18 and not have any contact with you for years. You can't get everything you want once they turn 15, this is prime age to learn how to be oneself.

 

My son surprised us in many amazing ways because we let him be. He took a test and finished HS at 16. It is really not that hard of the test . It is easier than GED. He is now in community college and has job.

 

I do not care what cartoons he watches at this age. Seriously. It does not worth it. He helps around the house. I do not care what her wears....he were a dog collar for a year but he also volunteers at a non profit.

 

 

Please,  go to family therapy together. It can really help you both to find your way.

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