When I first learned the news about my child it felt like I was punched in the stomach. I cried in the car on the way home until I said to myself that I would use this energy I was feeling to get down to business. My child needs me and I need me. I wouldn't let myself get lost in grief. But, the grief I felt then I carry. Part of "telling people" for me, was wrapped up in that grief. I wanted people to see my child for who he is, his personality, his strengths, his potential and the vision I had of how he could grow and develop. I didn't want the parents of my child's friends to see him as a disorder or "typical" spectrum kind of kid. Honestly, that kind of outlook is rampant.
I was afraid, and still am, of that kind of outlook that limits a child and gives others a limited perspective on who they are. And, then, that outlook gets transmitted to your child.
So, I'm careful. Because I do think that false perceptions of our children are real and I don't always want to take the energy I need to advocate or raise consciousness with the "whole world"... just with the people who matter the most to my child's development and to those who love him and care about him. I also tell a few select parents who I know will get it and get him. Because, honestly, most people haven't guessed he's on the spectrum. They know he has learning support but they don't know why.
Then, beyond me and my need to protect my energy, I like you, want to respect his privacy especially since he is old enough to feel self conscious. But, it's a fine line....there is also nothing to be ashamed of and embarrassed about either. I told my child when he was 9 years old what his diagnosis was in a very matter of fact way. That was when we learned of it. But I also think that that is a good age in general to share that kind of information. We had known for a long time that he was learning in a different way, at a different pace, and needed social "coaching". We'd talk about his "way of thinking" all the time and how they way that he thinks means he needs different kind of teaching and explanation.
Telling him he had PDD-NOS for him told him things about himself that will probably always be true and that was helpful to him. It made him feel like then there must be other kids who have the same "problem" and he's not alone.
So, he liked knowing he has PDD-NOS. It also made it easier for him to accept his dietary restrictions because I told him that some doctors believe it helps children like him to be healthier and think more clearly.
It's a process. Your son is very young. I didn't get the diagnosis until my son was a lot older. For what it's worth, I wouldn't have told my son at 4 or 5 or even 6 and 7 about a diagnosis. I would have described what I saw....which is what I did...
I know, it's a lot to take in Mama, not unexpected, but still jarring. Be protective, I think it's wise, but don't be ashamed. Be sad, but don't get lost in sadness. Help him understand himself and who he is but don't give it a name until he's ready for that. And, just know that like all your other instincts about him you are right. Keep doing what you're doing. You are going about the business of being his mom and doing a wonderful job.
Blessings to you and your family