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#1 of 9 Old 04-20-2013, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry this has to be rather short and not very 'in detail', In a bit of a hurry right now but would like to know your thoughts on this behaviour and  'what' it could be.

 

Child that shows this behaviour is 7 years old. Very very gifted with high IQ scores and is in the gifted program at her school. Excelles in everything she does academically, but seems to have very low/poor emotional intelegence.

 

Sorry if its a bit all over the place. Ill be back again when I have more time.

 

- Lacks empathy ( shows very little )

- Can be quite crule to others

- Very self-centered ( only like others for what they can give/do for her )

- Seems to have very little control over her own behaviour (has excessive crying, throws tantrums)

-Lies often ( most of the time to get others into trouble. Mainly her younger brother.)

- Gets happy/excited to watch her younger brother be put in time out or 'get into trouble'. Has often lied in attempt to watch him be punished for no reason. )

-Is a bit socially awkward; has somewhat of a difficult time making friends.

- Doesnt have many friends due to bossy, controlling and 'bratty' behaviour ( very 'sore loser', if she cant play the game her way she throws tantrum. Other children dont want her to join their games due to her behaviour)

- Always blames other for her negative behaviour, no matter how unrelated it may be ( example:  If shes asked to be quite for a moment and then starts talking she will blame it on someone across the room, because they where 'looking at her'. )

- Talks CONSTANTLY

- Is obsessed with computer and computer games. She talkes about 'MineCraft' 99% of her day even when others dont care for the subject. Computer seems to be her only hobby. Becomes very upset if her computer privileges are removed.

- Feels like 'walking on eggshells' to be around her most of the time because youre never sure when shell have a freak out.Family/ friends have a hard time spending time with her/ enjoying her due to her behaviour. Rarely have family vaccations/ outings because we always have to come home early/asked to leave.

- If she isnt happy, she doesnt want anyone else to be happy either. Gets very upset and yells at others if everyones attention isnt focused on her and she isnt being babied for/during her crying/ tantrums.

- Repeats the same negative behaviour even though shes fully aware that it hurts/effects others. She doesnt seem to care if it hurts others.

-Very jelous if someone does 'better' or 'more' than her at ANYTHING and makes EVERYTHING into a competition.

- Can be very defiant and act out of spite to annoy/hurt others.

-Has a very difficult time identifying her own emotions ( cant tell you why she crying or how she feels about someone )

 

Im sure theres quite a bit that ive left out.

 

There is talk of her being pulled from the gifted program due to her disruptive crying and behaviour that happenes atleast once every day in school  because it is causing the other students distress.

 

All of her teachers are very caring, hands on people and try to work with her as much as possible, but I think theyve about reached the end of their ropes.

 

She will be going to a psychologist this summer, as recomended by her schools counselor/ teachers.

 

If you have any thoughts on this, please let me know.

 

Thank you!


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#2 of 9 Old 04-20-2013, 12:33 PM
 
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That's my daughter eyesroll.gif

 

except the lying part. She is brutally honest. And DS does enough stuff himself to get him into trouble, no need for lying. 

 

She is diagnosed with giftedness, visual impairment, ADHD and ODD. (I don't buy the last one though. But than I guess it depends on the definition. She loves to argue, and does not like not getting her way. 'Sigh*

 

Have your read: Living with intensity? Or contacted SENG? 


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#3 of 9 Old 04-20-2013, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi and thank you so much for your reply!

 

No I havent read those, but I do believe ill be taking a trip over to Amazon tonight! Thanks for those suggestions.

 

We all just feel very tired and overwhelmed. Thank goodness her GM gets her 2 weekends out of the month..I dont know what I would do without her help!

 

Her ped had mentioned ODD before. We even tried medication for a short time, but I quickly took her off of them because she seems like a zombie- it just didnt feel right. I feel pretty bad for DD. Ive explained to her that if she wants to continue in gifted, shes going to have to practice getting a grip a little bit- but it doesnt seem to bother her. Weve tried everything: time outs, taking toys and taking away her computer time. That one always seems to work the best, but only for a very short amount of time. A few days later, I get another call from her teacher or from the office at her school, letting me know shes back up there AGAIN because she couldnt calm down. Weve tried altering her diet ( she eats very healthy and loves healthy foods ) but that didnt work either.

 

Her behaviour makes it very hard for her and I to have a relationship. I always scedule days for her and I to be alone and spend time together a few times each month, just for us. It doesnt matter what we do for her, where we take her ( which is rare )- she always complains about EVERYTHING. For xmas a year back, we got her a nintendo DS that she asked for. My mother chipped in to help us buy it because we didnt have much money at the time, and DD was excited to get it but made sure to let us know we got her the wrong color and she would like us to take it back and get the 'right' one. She also complained about us not getting the 'right' game to go along with it, even thought that is the EXACT one she showed us in the store.

 

If I cook what she asks for dinner, she complains the whole time about it. If we do an activity she asks to do, she complains the WHOLE time. It seems like shes never happy. Everyone comments to me how 'spoiled' she seems and how she doesnt appreciate anything, and I can see where theyre coming from. But she isnt a 'bad' kid. She can be very well behaved and a huge help. Shes very funny and super creative and smart. She gets dressed all by herself each morning before school, washes and puts away her plate after dinner- many things that most children dont/cannot do at her age. But I feel like this negative behaviour is over shadowing all of the positive behaviour.

 

Weve talked with her many times about this and talk with her every day about her day at school. Im very active at her school and in her life and activites. I give her tons of support and prase for her positive behaviour and her awesome work at school- but it never seems to be enough to help her feel happy. I often ask her what can I do to help her feel happy, and she can never tell me anything- except to buy her something. *sign*

 

Her behaviour is also starting to rub off on DS . It effects everyone in the family in a negative way. When we take her to the psycologist this summer, I think I might ask her her thoughts on possible family therapy to help us through this. Goodness knows it would help me!


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#4 of 9 Old 04-20-2013, 01:18 PM
 
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I do understand you soooo well! I just had this talk to DD1. She just got a pony for god's sake! But it's still not enough. (It's for all kids, for riding therapy - we are not millionaires or something ;) ) 

 

She is always like: Do this for me, get that, no I cannot possibly do this...and she is so cute at other times. 

 

I read a lot from Gordon (Family conference and stuff like that) and I do firmly believe that you cannot really get kids with this strong mind and willpower with consequences and punishment. We do family conferences and agreements. And since they are so bright, you can actually get her with: Oh, daughter, this is not what we agreed to do! Do you remember how we talked about it and you did agree to do ... or .... I expect you to do it for me now. 

 

Plus, I was her as a kid. And it was a nightmare. I was never good enough for anybody, and I don't want her to feel the same. She is six and we have serious arguments, and I do not alway answer appropriate, because I am no saint, and she really knows how to push my buttons. She is so INTENS. 

For example, she is still crying about a boy she will never meet again, and she shared her room at the hospital for about 12 hours, and this was six weeks ago!

 

She is a little diamont though. Love to hear more about your little one! 


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#5 of 9 Old 04-20-2013, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks again for your awesome responses. Believe it or not- it is actually helping me to feel much better.

 

It sounds like out DDs would be to peas in a pod! Lol.

 

We also have 'family meetings' here at home as our 4 year old DS is also quite bright and advanced. I love the family meetings because when ALL of us re sitting down together, I feel like the kiddos better understand that Im not the 'bad guy' that Dad also expects these things from them too. We also through in 'rules' for us as adults. Last year, the kids set DHs rule- which was to quite smoking, and he did! I felt that set a food example for the kids.

 

We have a family meeting once a week on thursdays, which is when my husband is home. We have 3 majory house rules to keep it simple for the kids: Be Kind, Be Honest, Be respectful. I made little posters of our house rules. A copy hang on our fridge, and one copy on each of their bedroom doors that that they can see them. I made it fun by putting a bee next to each rule and I named them ' The 3 bees of our happy home'. Up under each rule is 3 'examples' of the rule. Such as under Be honest is says - Always tell the truth - Take responsibility your your actions ect. 

 

Even though we have these meetings, they dont seem to help DD very much. She somehoe manages to stop talking long enough to actually listen to what is being said, but its like its gone the second she steps away from the table.

 

More about my DD- oh boy, where to start- lol.

 

She LOVES computer and grapic designing, as I mentioned earlier. This sometimes drives me a bit bonkers because she literally talks about MineCraft ( or some other computer related game ) from the second she wakes up in the mornings until she goes to bed..and she NEVER stops talking. She talks so much she gives herself headaches. I try to work with her about being quite on the 'inside' to be quite on the outside- it doesnt help much thought. I allow her to talk to me about her computer stuff for awhile before I simply have to tell her' ok, thats enough..' because my head will be throbbing. And she can make a 5 minute story into a 25 minute storys and never ever leave out any detail no matter how big or small. It is very concerning how obsessed she seems to be with this, even her teachers have mentioned it. But I dont to take away something that shes very gifted at and that she loves so much. Normally, I allow her 30-40 minutes of computer time each day after school and during these times shes only allowed to watch educational videos on youtube or play games from educational sites. On the weekend she gets 1- 1 1/2 hours of computer time a day and during this time shes allowed to watch the videos she wants ( normally minecrafted related- and child friendly of course ) and play her other games. And thats all that I will allow. If I allowed her to stay on as long as she wanted, she would never do anything else and would be there all day long. Sometimes I let her stay on a little longer if Im sick, or am making a phone call ( Its the only way to keep her quite, lol. )

 

Shes very concerned about the enviroment, which she gets from me *Proud!*. And has written many papers on how to help the earth and even talked her school priciple into getting a recycling center at her school. Shes always very intrested in birth, breastfeeding and midwifery * again, proud!* and often likes to watch birth videos. 

 

She can also be very obsessed about how she looks. I hand make her hair bows ( which she adores) and they have to be just so and match nicley with her outfit. She loves fashion, makeup and beauty and natural health as well. She quite enjoys helping me make out shampoos and adding in the essential oils- which I have taught her all of the healing properties too. Shes very intresting to talk to and very abstract and unique views of things.

 

She can be very kind, especially to me and to animals. She will care for me when Im sick or when I need help and often does a better job and gets more done than DH- LOL! She really is amazing.

 

But she also knows how to push my buttons better than anyone else ( well..DSs pretty good at this too). And no, Im not saint when my patience has worn thin, but normally when i get to that point, I ask her nicely to go to her room and read or have a 30 minute computer game and give myself a break.

It does sadden me that shes very hard to spend time with. I myself have terrible anxiety issues and take medication for this. I guess it just feels 'wrong' to have to take an extra dosage of my medication to be able to make it through the weekends ( like this one!) when her and DS arent visitng GM.

 

Some days its blissful, and other days its hell and I cry myself to sleep thinking " Where in the hell did I go wrong!" but Im dealing with it the best that I can- but its not easy. I use to feel guilty for admitting how I felt about DD and her behaviour, but Ive overcome that and I think im a much happier person and a much better mom because of it. My own mother use to be very very toxic and due to a trauma she expeienced at a very young age, she would tell me how much of a 'horrible mother' I am for letting her stay away on some weekends. DD lived with her GPs for almost a year after DS was born because DD was quite dangerous to be around. She had physically hurt me while I was pregnant ( on purpose ) a few times and hurt DS when he was very young ( on purpose ) a few times too. The break really helped our family. Not to mention, I have DD when I was only 16 and DS when I was 20- so I had my hands very full and had alot to learn!

 

Thanks for responding. Looking to talking more with you soon. Ill be back in a bit, but its about time for baths, dinner and bed time at 6:30 after a book here and boy, and I ready for that!  ;)


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#6 of 9 Old 04-20-2013, 11:43 PM
 
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Hey Huntressmother, 

 

I bet you are doing an awesome job, especially being that young and everything. I am 38 and have a university degree and are fully trained, and I am STILL struggling alot. You are probably something like superwoman! 

 

My kids are not allowed computer time, I just use it for the internet, so I don't even now what minecraft is...(some kind of game?) - but DD is obsessed with audiobooks. I wrote a post about it some time ago, she listens for hours on end to the books, I think she would just continue for days on end ;) 

 

DD is quite environmental concerned as well, but I have days when I am worried about it, because she really is socially akward sometimes, like walking to total strangers and asking them why on earth they would smoke if it will kill them or throwing a fit at daycare because she won't drink out of plastic bottles because it might be unhealthy. Our OT told me to be careful what I tell them, but then, now that she reads herself she knows so much just from that. 

 

DS is the same for that, he is four, too! He had a lesson with the ranger in our area and the teacher said that he was talking all the time and everything was right. *proud*

 

That your DD is obsessed about her looks is funny, too. DD is the same, and she does not have it from me. And her way of dressing herself is sometimes rather funny ;), but she wants it that way. It was not possible for me to choose her cloth since she was two years old. She would just undress herself if she was not in agreement. And I did what I thought I would never do, I bought all her cloth with Hello Kitty on it winky.gif

 

What really gets me with her and with my DS (but even more with her) is this constant talking and SCREAMING - she cannot really talk normally, she always has this high-pitched voice and is LOUD, and crying and lauging. Sometimes at Dinner time my DH looks at me and says that it sounds as if we live on a psychiatric ward. 

 

she does not have many friends, which makes me sad. I think her intensity is hard to manage for other kids. She wants to interact, but she cannot follow social rules, even being so bright. We are working at the "one-arm-length-distance" at the moment. And she does not do it without prompting. she hugs and kisses random people sometimes, like the cashier at a store...

 

I don't really know how to teach her without making her feel unloved and "too much" - she does already say thinks like: You hate me, You don't want to be with me and stuff like that. 

 

Oh, and for your little one, could it be possible that she feels insecure at home because you had to send her away for a time? That she is afraid that she needs to leave again? I think it's a good idea to see a psychologist, but you need to know, you need a good fit. The first psychologist we saw did not get it AT ALL. She wanted us to do 1-2-3 Magic with her, and that won't work. 

 

(Maybe we should switch to private emails? pm me, I'll send you my email address!)

 

Hugs, 

(we live in germany, so different time zone ;) 


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#7 of 9 Old 04-21-2013, 01:01 AM
 
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It sounds like she might be too smart for her own good. She has so much intellectual ability but very little emotional ability--this would frustrate anyone. Its as if her emotional intelligence cant keep up with her mental intelligence, so she is probably wanting to express herself in different ways but doesnt know how. It also sounds like she's hard on herself, probably a perfectionist, so she feels like she needs to always win, excel, be right, etc. This is why she has a hard time accepting blame and being okay with whats given to her--the gifts and other things she receives are never good enough for her, which is a way of expressing that she doesnt feel good enough. I dont know any of this for certain, of course, this is what comes to mind. The therapy will probably be really good for her because, at the very least, she'll learn how to identify her emotions which will help her communicate them better. She'll feel much less frustrated then which means she wont act out as much. Also, i would put less emphasis on praising her intellect (if you do) and focus more on her just being who she is (praise her good qualities) because its quite possible that she has become attached to the attention she gets in regards to how smart she is and, thus, feels pressured to maintain this.

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#8 of 9 Old 04-21-2013, 06:45 AM
 
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She sounds like my daughter, though a couple steps more intense than mine.  Right now I'm slowly working through 2 books with her, and we're both really liking them:

 

What To Do When You Grumble Too Much

 

and 

 

How To Take The Grrr Out Of Anger

 

Now, I previewed the books and kind of tailored them to her personality and needs; some of it might feel simplistic with a very gifted child, but on the other hand she needs help managing these emotions, so going through the book with a "some of this might not be us, but there's a lot her that could help" has been an effective strategy at our house.

 

 


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#9 of 9 Old 04-21-2013, 01:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow! Thank you all so much for your wonderful and very helpful replies. Its good to know that im not in this boat alone. :)

 

I guess Im just really starting to grasp just HOW 'gifted' she really is. I mean, I always knew she was very 'above normal' but it really sunk in for me when I recieved her gifted test scores back and got a phone call from her school wanting to talk with me about the possibility of her skipping grades and her 'academic career'. She gifted ALL AROUND, not just in the area of 'book smarts' and school. She blows my mind several times a day. She just have a problem with her emotions.

 

BUT, last night I had a major wake up call. I was trying to fall asleep ( DHs snoring wasnt helping lol ) and I was thinking what can i do to help her. Suddenly, out of no where, it hit me: What if she doesnt feel challenged enough at home? I mean, I know she feels pretty challenged in school- but home is important too. I got up out of bed and brainstormed on a sheet of paper all of me ideas to help her.

 

- Get her the bunk bed with the built in desk underneath so shell have an area to work/write/draw and read in peace ( Even though the thought of a bunk bed scares me a little because she is SO clumsy- she trips over everything! Im a bit nervous about her tripping down the ladder in the mornings while shes still half asleep )

 

- Finally finish up the fairy bookshelf that DH and I have been working on for about a year now and fill it with advanced books of her intrest

 

- Maybe by her a kid Ipad ( not sure of the name ) for Yule this year and download books, math, since, music and other topics onto it for her as well as a kid-friendly dictionary that she can use to define words that she comes across in her new book. She really enjoys finding out the meaning of words, so shell love this! )

 

- I have also called all of the family and asked that they PLEASE not buy her anymore 'useless' toys. She never plays with dolls and things like that. People keep buying them for her, and they sit in the box for me to regift them to someone or to be donated. I asked for the family to invest in things live microscopes, Cranium, puzzles and similar things for her- and crafts too. She loves art, like me, and loves to paint sculpt and create.

 

As silly as it sounds, I suddenly felt like I 'understanded' her fully. I was also a gifted child and skipped 3rd grade when I was in school so I can relate somewhat, but that was a long time ago! She very much like me with everything that she likes such as fairies and all fantasy.

 

I just suddenly 'clicked' and I understood her frustration. I was that simple.

 

This morning, after breakfast I sat down and talk with her about these new plans. He eyes lit up very bright and filled with tears and she said ' Yes mama! That will work!'  She is very excited. I often ask her ' What can I do to help'  but this time, it really ment alot to her. Even though she knows that were gifting her all of this to help her and that she can scedule 'brain breaks' for herself whenever she feels she needs to, we also had (another) talk about the crying and speaking hatefully. She really seemed to think that having this special area just for her would help her when she feels 'bored' and wants to get herself into trouble.

 

She has already made a huge list of book topics that she would like me to find for her. So well get started with that ASAP and even as I type this to you, she is in her room filling up a huge bag of toys that she doesnt want/play with to donate to a friend in need. * proud *

 

Now..

 

TRINITY

 

Thank you very much! But I am for sure no supermom- but I often feel like I have no choice but to be one.

 

Its crazy how alike our girls are. Seriously, two peas in a pod! 

 

Oh boy- DD LOVESSS hello kitty, much to my dismay. But, if she likes it..

 

DD also had no idea how to speak in an 'indoor tone'. The school has check her hearing like 3 times this year alone thinking that she may have some type of hearing issue- but no, not at all. And our house sounds like a psych ward as soon as she come home from school. DS feeds off of her loudness and there is simply no returning from the 'crazytown' zone. Lol.

 

DD is very touchy with people at all. In fact shes quite shy and has a had time coming around to 'new people' and will still hide behind my leg if ANYONE  outside of the family tries to talk with her. I guess thats one thing our girls dont have in common.

 

I would love to talk with you and exchange emails. Ill be back to PM you later tonight to do that! *excited* 

 

Also, Im pretty sure that she doesnt feel insecure about staying with her GPs. Weve talked about this alot. She understands that I didnt 'leave her'. She knew what was going on. Sometimes, (normally when shes mad with me ) shell ask to go back and live with them. She really liked it there and she spends alot of time with them each summer.

 

SUNSHINELOVE

 

DD is very very much a perfectionist at everything she does. I have made that connect before with alot of her behaviour. She can be very hard on her self. Im always there to give her a hug and tell her how great she is just being her. 

 

We really dont praise her intellect very often. I mean, I always tell her good job for good grades and let her know im proud of her. We mostly focus on really praising behaviour that helps others ( like what shes doing right now ) as well as positive thinking ( this can be very hard for DD because she tends to be quite negative ). I always make sure to tell her that though Im very proud of her grades, Im mostly proud of her beautiful heart. She really likes that. And I never forget to let her know that gifted is her choice, if at any time she feel to overwhelmed, she can stop.

 

 

Thank you all for your replies! 


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