dealing with bullies - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 01-16-2016, 06:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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dealing with bullies

My 7 yr old adhd dsd is having issues with a bully at school. This child has attacked her as well as several other students many times. Dh and i are really frustrated. For example he tried to choke her and grabbed her wrist on Thursday. The sub said she was fine and no one notified her. The next day he tried to talk to her and she started yelling at him so he pushed he down causing a bloody need and also attacked her friend. We we never notified of any of this. She says she doesnt feel safe at all at school.

My question is what are we supposed to do? Dh contacted her teacher and we were given the same bs like the last times. They are not supposed to be playing together due to their history but if there is a sub its like anything goes. They also only have 1 teacher watching 75 kids at recess, not sire how that is even legal. In the 90s i lived in a poor urban school and we had 2 adult recess moniters...today our kids go to one of the nicest schools in the state and this is what we deal with. We are so frustrated. Typically dh deals with dsds school issues but i am getting to the point where i feel i need to begin contacting the school. She comes home telling me and the kids 2 of which that start k next fall this and it is upsetting and terrifying all of us.

Thoughts? Proper protocol?
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#2 of 5 Old 01-16-2016, 04:12 PM
 
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Unfortunatly I don't have any advice. We went thru this twice with my oldest DD. We changed schools and the second school was even worse. Nothing was ever done, had meetings with teachers, headmasters etc. and same old same old. NOTHING ever done. Finally when this one boy (who had harassed her all year) threatened to shoot her, my husband finally got on board and we started homeschooling. It was the only option we had.


Hope things can get worked out for you guys.


BeBe
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#3 of 5 Old 01-16-2016, 05:09 PM
 
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OK, this is a legal issue for the school system. At the moment, 49 out of 50 states have anti-bullying laws. The school system should have a section of its website devoted to its anti-bullying policies. Go there and read what it says so that you know who is supposed to be dealing with this. If you don't find a page about this, make sure you don't live in the one state with no anti-bullying laws!

Do not be afraid to go over the heads of teachers if they are unresponsive. If there is a person in the school whose job it is to deal with bullying, go directly to them. Some school systems hire people as substitutes who are inexperienced or not fully certified, and they certainly don't ensure that subs know all the school's policies.

I agree that in some situations, parents' best option is to take the child out of the school. Our family was able to avoid that by using the mechanisms that the school has in place for dealing with bullying. I think it was a growth process for my son.

I'm not sure whether you posted this in the forum for kids with special needs because you think your child's ADHD has something to do with why she's become a bully's target. I don't think it's necessarily about anything to do with her. I know when we had our first incidents with this when my son was also 7, I was unnerved by his passive reaction to being teased and harassed. But you know what? He was a great kid, and he didn't do anything to attract negative attention. It was the other kid's problem. Eventually the other child's mom moved him to a different school. I had no contact with their family, but I could definitely see why the mom would want him somewhere else!

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#4 of 5 Old 01-16-2016, 06:03 PM
 
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We had ongoing issues with one particular boy in my son's class for the first few years of school, and you have to be extremely proactive in advocating to get any type of help, IME. I have a pretty no nonsense approach, I never yell, I stay calm, but I can be very firm too. I included the principal in all complaints to the teacher (in order to hold the school accountable and also to have everything documented), and would go to the school and meet with the principal and/or teacher on a regular basis when we were in the thick of it. We also have a counsellor at the school so my son was meeting with them as often as he felt necessary, and they were very instrumental in helping give him tools to deal with the bullying/intimidation/physical aggression/stress. Basically the idea was to empower him, despite being MUCH smaller and a full year younger than the child who was bullying him. The parent of the other child was also called in multiple times to meet with the principal and teacher, and there was also an incident during soccer practice outside of school time that required meeting with the coach. She became very aggressive towards me, was in complete denial about the issue, lied to other parents about me, and tried to bully me (apple doesn't fall far from the tree!!) into making my son have play dates with her son because she said the reason her son was being aggressive is that he was jealous of my son playing with other kids and her son didn't have any friends. My son set some firm boundaries with the help of the school counsellor and decided he wanted to distance himself from the classmate, so we supported him in that. If he had decided he wanted to have a friendship with the boy, we would have done our best to support him in that too. At no point did we interfere directly between the two boys, and we are happy to say it did resolve eventually and he became much more confident in the process. They are still in the same class, and I check in regularly to see how things are going... he has said for the last few years that they have come to an understanding where they are civil to each other, but will never be close as far as he's concerned. Wishing you all the best, and please use any resources available to you in your school system. It really does help.
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#5 of 5 Old 02-03-2016, 11:42 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kindofcrunchy82 View Post
My 7 yr old adhd dsd is having issues with a bully at school. This child has attacked her as well as several other students many times. Dh and i are really frustrated. For example he tried to choke her and grabbed her wrist on Thursday. The sub said she was fine and no one notified her. The next day he tried to talk to her and she started yelling at him so he pushed he down causing a bloody need and also attacked her friend. We we never notified of any of this. She says she doesnt feel safe at all at school.

My question is what are we supposed to do? Dh contacted her teacher and we were given the same bs like the last times. They are not supposed to be playing together due to their history but if there is a sub its like anything goes. They also only have 1 teacher watching 75 kids at recess, not sire how that is even legal. In the 90s i lived in a poor urban school and we had 2 adult recess moniters...today our kids go to one of the nicest schools in the state and this is what we deal with. We are so frustrated. Typically dh deals with dsds school issues but i am getting to the point where i feel i need to begin contacting the school. She comes home telling me and the kids 2 of which that start k next fall this and it is upsetting and terrifying all of us.

Thoughts? Proper protocol?
Two years ago, I had the feeling something was not right... so one time, I decided to go and see my son during the recess... too much going around and yes, three teachers only.... so I decided to watch my son during the recess .... ooh!! but the problem is not only recess... during lunch time, older children 'supervised' younger children, there is one teacher walking around while the rest of the teacher are eating lunch.... one day I discovered there was a boy eating my son's food.... now? we are homeschooling!
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