I really thought I was okay with my ds' dx of autism spectrum. I thought I was doing FINE. We could just treat the yeast, eat better, sleep more, add some suppliments, whatever.... Life would go on. But lately it has been hard. I look at where we have come from and really, our progress has been remarkable. He is so much healthier, happier, and just at peace with himself. Our life is easier. But it is still hard. There are still so many challenges.
I guess he always has been different. After a while we just moved into crisis management mode. But now he is 5 and I really see how we have to change our lives permanently. Many of the changes have been for the better, we eat healthier and no tv is the best thing we have ever done, but letting go of some of my dreams of what I wanted to be our family life is not as easy.
I always wanted to homeschool. Until last week that was still my plan. I know there are lots of families who DO homeschool their SN kids, but for him I see now that he needs to be around his peers to learn from them. Letting go of that dream has been harder than I thought. I procrastinated for months, but last week I enrolled him for half days at the Montessori kindergarden. Its not just homeschooling, its everything. We can't just travel. The dietary concerns alone are mind boggling. Same with family dinners. I haven't been able to attend so many family weddings, holidays, or other gatherings in 5 years. Its just a lot of the little things I thought we would be able to do as a family are different now.
I guess I naively thought we would be past this thing by now. Sounds silly, but I never really thought this far ahead when he was dx'd over a year ago (we knew he was ASD for a long time before that). We tend to think of him as quirky, and unique. That really has worked well as a toddler, or a preschooler. Now as he gets older I can see how hard it is becoming for him as the expectations of his behavior change. What is quirky and cute in a 3 year old just doesn't work in a 6 or 7 year old.
He feels it too. He is becoming so anxious and out of sorts lately. We spent the day with my parents and my nephew yesterday. They live out of town and we made it a day trip. I had to cancel all my plans for today because he was just too stressed out and needed the "downtime". The same thing happens all the time, I generally plan a quiet day after a busy one for this reason. My nephew is just here visiting though, so I wanted to see him while I could and tried to make an exception to my day off rule.
After getting off the phone to cancel our plans for the day I broke down. Not because it was something out of the ordinary, but just because it just hit me how different we have to live sometimes. It's silly as things could be so much worse (they certainly HAVE been worse), but I guess I am just starting to think forward now instead of just trying to get through it all minute-by-minute and day-by-day.
What kind of childhood will he really have if he just can't make friends? Will he be a sad and lonely teen? Will he be able to find friends who accept him as he is? What about finding someone who loves him and who he loves?
I know many high functioning people do very well for themselves, I am just now starting to see the challenges that lay ahead for him. Autism just doesn't go away.
Thanks to anyone who reads this whole long post
I feel like I am just starting this whole crazy grieving process. I love my boy just the way he is, I just hurt for how hard things will be for him. I feel so much pressure to make all the right choices, because for him the WRONG decision can't be undone. It will be imprinted on him forever. It can be a terrifying position to be in some days and the day to day stress of it all is just overwhelming me lately.
Thanks for letting me ramble
I guess he always has been different. After a while we just moved into crisis management mode. But now he is 5 and I really see how we have to change our lives permanently. Many of the changes have been for the better, we eat healthier and no tv is the best thing we have ever done, but letting go of some of my dreams of what I wanted to be our family life is not as easy.
I always wanted to homeschool. Until last week that was still my plan. I know there are lots of families who DO homeschool their SN kids, but for him I see now that he needs to be around his peers to learn from them. Letting go of that dream has been harder than I thought. I procrastinated for months, but last week I enrolled him for half days at the Montessori kindergarden. Its not just homeschooling, its everything. We can't just travel. The dietary concerns alone are mind boggling. Same with family dinners. I haven't been able to attend so many family weddings, holidays, or other gatherings in 5 years. Its just a lot of the little things I thought we would be able to do as a family are different now.
I guess I naively thought we would be past this thing by now. Sounds silly, but I never really thought this far ahead when he was dx'd over a year ago (we knew he was ASD for a long time before that). We tend to think of him as quirky, and unique. That really has worked well as a toddler, or a preschooler. Now as he gets older I can see how hard it is becoming for him as the expectations of his behavior change. What is quirky and cute in a 3 year old just doesn't work in a 6 or 7 year old.
He feels it too. He is becoming so anxious and out of sorts lately. We spent the day with my parents and my nephew yesterday. They live out of town and we made it a day trip. I had to cancel all my plans for today because he was just too stressed out and needed the "downtime". The same thing happens all the time, I generally plan a quiet day after a busy one for this reason. My nephew is just here visiting though, so I wanted to see him while I could and tried to make an exception to my day off rule.
After getting off the phone to cancel our plans for the day I broke down. Not because it was something out of the ordinary, but just because it just hit me how different we have to live sometimes. It's silly as things could be so much worse (they certainly HAVE been worse), but I guess I am just starting to think forward now instead of just trying to get through it all minute-by-minute and day-by-day.
What kind of childhood will he really have if he just can't make friends? Will he be a sad and lonely teen? Will he be able to find friends who accept him as he is? What about finding someone who loves him and who he loves?
I know many high functioning people do very well for themselves, I am just now starting to see the challenges that lay ahead for him. Autism just doesn't go away.
Thanks to anyone who reads this whole long post
Thanks for letting me ramble