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Do you fear people calling CPS/police?

2K views 13 replies 12 participants last post by  MillingNome 
#1 ·
This is a continuance of a few other threads of mine, about Owen's screaming


I was thinking today, as I was fighting Owen to get him dressed (he has to at least get something on today because we have places to go. I don't care if it's pj's or clothes but he needs to wear something). Anyway, Owen is screaming at the top of his lungs, crying to the point where he sounds like he's going to vomit, kicking, the works. It lasts for probably 10 minutes while I'm getting him dressed, then gradually starts to die down which takes about 15 more minutes. As I was doing this I thought "Man, if I was my neighbor I wouldn't know what to think of it". This screaming happens every day. I am very afraid one of my neighbors will call on me
To make matters worse after I finally got Owen calmed down I went in the other room to get my shoes on. I came back out and he had taken his clothes back off
Now I'm going to have to go through the whole screaming fit again


On the plus side, if I do move back in with my dad he has no neighbors so I have no fear of anyone hearing the screaming at home and calling.
 
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#2 ·
Steph- YES! I'm terrified of the exact same thing! My son screams every single day. That's pretty much the norm in the life of a child with autism.
When you live in an apartment building, you live in constant fear that someone is going to think the worst and make a call that could ruin your life. I live in a big apt complex and NO ONE here (except for the landlords) know my son is a special needs child. I'm so tempted to either leave notes for the surrounding apts (and the one above and below us) to explain that my child has autism and is prone to temper tantrums and screaming. (and that I apologize if the noise disturbs them).

I don't know what else to do. Trust me, if my mom or dad owned a house, I'd go live with one of them. (well, i'd live with my mom but not my dad. My dad smokes..and has issues).

Steph, does your landlord know that Owen is autistic? If not, I strongly suggeset tellhim her/him. In writing, if possible. And make sure you keep a copy of it. Perhaps even have it notarized. I'm going to do the notarized letter but at least that is something in writing to back me up if needed.
It's a scary thought...but I want to do whatever I can to keep me and my son safe.

Hugs to you,
Liz
 
#3 ·
Let me share a TRUE story with you.

About a month into K, I went to pick up ds at school. He threw a screaming, crying fit at the gate. "I don't want to go home! I don't want to go to that scarey place!" Over and over and over again. I tried to talk to him, but he was so worked up at this point that I finally just had to go pick him up and carry him to the car. He was flailing and crying and screaming the whole time. It was absolutely horrible -- and all of this took place in public - in front of parents, in front of teachers. He had been resisting going home practically every day that I went to get him, but this little episode was way over the top. I thought for sure I'd be getting a visit from CPS.

The story behind this is that my ds was having HUGE difficulties transitioning to school and I was already talking to the teachers about accomodations. DS had been having nightmares about monsters (thus the scarey home comment) and he was exhausted from disrupted sleep and adjusting to a full day K program.

I got an email the next day (Sat.) from the teacher at the gate saying she was worried about ds and wondered if he was ok. I explained to her about the nightmares and that we were working on it.

Frankly, I'm very surprised that someone didn't report something. If I had been that teacher, I think I would have to make sure that ds was safe. She really didn't know me very well at this point and from an outside perspective, it looked really bad. I wasn't afraid of someone reporting something, but you know, you don't really want to have a hassle like that. I'm not saying that someone wouldn't report something, but frankly I think many people just don't want to get involved. Which is sad in and of itself, kwim? I think having a letter on hand indicating that your ds is autistic and that outbursts are common would be helpful just in case.

(BTW - we have worked through all of these issues and ds has made the adjustment and now is very happy to come home at the end of the day. Thankfully!)
 
#4 ·
The other week, I accidentally brought DD home while DH was still vacuuming. Vacuuming around DD is a big no-no and she seems to be terrified of the sound. So I rushed her out of the house and we waited out in front of the house until DH was done. Then she didn't want to go back in. She started insisting, "take a walk," and started walking away from the house. Every time I stopped her and said it was time to go home, she would start falling apart and having a meltdown right there on the side walk. She was fine as long as I let her keep walking away from the house. I had DS under my other arm and he was squirming. I don't know how I would have got her back in the house if it weren't for that I had a cell phone. I had to call DH and have him come pick us up in the car two streets away. I kept being afraid someone would look out their window and think I was trying to abduct her with how upset she'd get when I tried to steer her back toward the house. It's a quiet street and it was a weekend, so if she'd thrown a full-blown fit, I'm sure someone would have called the police.
Interestingly she was fine with going into the house when we strapped her into the car and drove it into the garage.
 
#5 ·
I had someone call CPS on me because they were mad at my (ex)husband and they said a bunch of horrible and untrue things about my husband and I. I spoke with CPS and they came to the house to check things out, and even though our house was a mess, they said that it was completely without merit, and they left us alone from then on.

I know that dealing with CPS is scary, but I really feel that if nothing is going on that shouldnt be, just explaining things to them and letting them see how you live and how much you love your children will be enough to send them on their way. Its when they feel you're hiding something and people are hostile that they get strange ideas, I think.
 
#6 ·
I came here today to post for suggestions on this topic. Suffice it to say my answer is YES!!! I worry every single day.

What started my worry was getting her into the car seat. Each and every time it is a huge fight especially leaving a fun place. It can take 30 minutes to get her buckled in. What really terrified my very soul was when she learned the word HELP! and used it during the buckling in times. UGh As happy as I was that she could ask for help , OMG ...You know? So I stuck a bumper sticker on the back of our car "I love someone with Autism" and hoped for the best.

I have had CPS called once. They didn't even investigate as they knew the situation with dd and actually knew of us through social services and knew how dd is and how hard it is to care for her. Of course their office was near an office we were in frequently so of course they saw quite a few meltdowns and screaming fits for themselves. I received a letter in the mail that said someone had called CPS on us and that they were not investigating but if we ever needed any help, to give them a call.
 
#7 ·
Yes. I try not to yell, but one time this past summer, just before my third DS was born, DS2 (SN) took ketchup and poured it all over our beige rug. I was in the bathroom, trying to hobble out because my hips were really really bad at that point. DS had learned to climb over the baby gate. When we put the gate higher, he got a chair. When we closed the door, he opened it. When we locked it, he unlocked it. He was GOING to get to that fridge.

I was literally pulling him out of the fridge 2-3 times an hour, round the waking clock when we were home, for weeks and weeks at that point and that was the one time I didn't get to him because god forbid, I was peeing.

Well, I SCREAMED so loud at him I thought it would shake the roof, "Why? WHY? WHY???????? What the HELL could you possibly have gotten out of that? You have three thousand dollars worth of toys but you just HAD to create more work for me when I'm in so much pain, WHY? WHY? WHY?" I think I finally just flipped out for a minute. I didn't strike him or anything but later I noticed the window was open and all afternoon I peeked out, fully expecting to see a police car in my driveway. I think we just got lucky--nobody called the police.

So yep, I hear you on that one.
 
#8 ·
(Embarrassed) Looking back and reading, nobody is scared about being called for their own screaming but me.

However--I strongly suspect my first son has SID. But at the time--the mid to late 80s--there was basically no such diagnosis. Well, I'm sure it existed, but the revolving belief among Joey's teachers and my family was that I was a single parent and that had made Joey emotionally disturbed.

Joey would literally be at my throat, clawing. Many nights I'd end up sobbing. From the time he was four or five, he was too strong for me when he was in rages. I had to literally sit on him (didn't put down my full weight, obviously) to get socks on. I'd try pair after pair after pair, while he'd scream "That pair doesn't feel good!" If a tag brushed across the back of his neck, he'd scream and lunge for me, clawing blood down my face.

Seatbelts were just then becoming manditory, and we got stopped by the police once because Joey was jumping around the back seat. He was fully capable of unbuckling himself and would do so, repeatedly, to lunge at me from the back seat and rip at my hair or spit in my face. The cop made an impression on Joey and he sat in his belt from then on.

But at every parent-teacher conference, I was terrified. I literally had one teacher tell me, "Mrs. B--, the only time I've ever seen a child as close to high a degree of misbehavior as yours was in a household where the child was being abused severely." I can't believe in light of all this that CPS never was called. If it had all happened today instead of 15-20 years ago, I'm positive that they would have.
 
#9 ·
I do worry, because it looks/sounds so bad, and I know you can hear him from outside. that's every day. and in public people stare- luckily it should be obvious that he's the one doing the hitting and all I am doing is trying to stop him and move him to the carseat.

The signed letter is a good idea. I think video of a couple meltdowns would be good too (documents how they start, what you are doing or not doing during them, and their length)
 
#10 ·
What I worry about is people thinking that I am kidnapping her! She is fighting to get away and saying NO!!! I don't want to go!!! etc. Stop it!!! LET ME GO!!! You get the idea. Or that I am some abusive parent and she is standing up for herself.

It sure draws people's attention.
: How could it not...loud, physical, flailing about -almost 6 yrs old, we make a scene everywhere we go!
 
#11 ·
I once read a quote,"You should worry less about what other people think about you and more about what you think of them." That being said, I have had CPS at my house several times because my SS BM tells them that we are physically/emotionally abusive and medically neglectful of him. These are all unfounded and CPS has had no problem seeing that we have a perfectly nice household with happy well cared for children. We are not dealing with autism or anything but I just wanted to chime in because I was scared the first time she threatened us with it and they called to set up a home visit. Now that we have had the CPS experience we just say, "Oh, that's nice they have not been to our new house yet, I'm sure they would enjoy the tour."
 
#12 ·
I thought I might add a little insight & hopefully allay some fears of the op/pps. I'm a foster parent that "works" within the system of CPS and I have a police officer who is a neighbor
, and I have 3 SN kids. Generally, the people at DHS/CPS are everyday people, many of them parents themselves and very familiar with tantrums and kid antics. Working within the DHS system, ALL the kids in foster care are SN kids (due to drug exposure, neglect), so they have an understanding of the nature of SN kids. With that said, it actually takes a lot of proof before a child can be removed from a home and when he/she is, CPS has to prove within 24 hrs to a court/judge, documentation to justify it. By law, CPS has to investigate (somehow, by phone, in person) all calls of concern that come in, but that's for your protection and your child's. I can understand op's/pp's fears, but, it's a little like needing to change the viewpoint of seeing a police officer as more of a SAFETY officer. It's the same person, but, one has more of a negative connotation, than the other
.

You probably already have so much documentation through doc visit notes, RXs, therapy equipment, etc to ever be worried about the situation. CPS doesn't remove a child if your home is messy (thankfully, because, hmmm
I should be cleaning it now & not at MDC). Their main concern is a child's safety and well-being.

Being a foster parent, I'm on both sides of it. Some people have said some very cruel things like us being baby stealers. As an adoptive parent, none of our children look like my dh or me, so when some trantrum episode happens, it looks even more suspicious. As a mom of SN kids, oi vay, I can have my 8 yo dd running into a street with a car coming right at her while my 4 yo ds is plugging his ears and spinning circles and my little 8 mo SPD dfs screaming because he's overstimulated and you do that instant prioritizing thing that says grab the kid that's in the most imminent danger, and it all looks out of control, but, it's life and many will judge it unfairly, but I know what's going on.

You, moms, are on this board, like me, to parent in the best way you can, learning along with each other. I think a lot of the media instills a sense of fear and pokes holes at parenting confidence (for every parenting book/method out there, doesn't there seem to be a book/method that disputes it??). Anyway, I'm sorry if I got too long-winded. It just makes me sad to see anyone doubting their parenting abilities, esp a mom of SN kids, and I hope I helped take away some fear.
 
#14 ·
I worried about a call to cps when ds was younger. He use to bang his head and bump into things. I chalked it up to stimming but am not sure what cps would have called it. I guess I got lucky and didn't need to worry. For most of us on here, there is enough documentation to back up what our dcs' issues are. Still, cps is nothing more than an organization run by humans. Some can be a little zealous.
 
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