Failing him again. - Mothering Forums
Special Needs Parenting > Failing him again.
Liba613's Avatar Liba613 07:13 PM 03-21-2007
The dietician increased AC's feedings from 30oz a day to 43oz a day.

I have been pumping for him for 8.5 months. In the beginning he was off feeds, then it took three weeks to get him up to "full feeds" and he had major feeding problems when he came home, so I have a good freezer stash. It would last more than two months even if I stopped pumping all together now. This is mostly an issue because I am stressing about it, kwim? Providing him with fresh mommy milk was something I COULD do.

I am pumping 30oz a day generally, though I have been having a Crohn's flare for more than a week and am down to 20oz.

He is going for gtube surgery soon since he hasn't made any progress on the sucking or swallowing despite intensive therapy. He doesn't do any better on solids than he does on liquids.

He needs mommy milk long term or he will end up on formula. With our family history of allergies it will be a hypoallergenic formula which is a ton of money and I have other reasons as well that I would rather avoid formula if I could. It was one thing I have been able to do for him. I am even more depressed and down about not being able to give him milk than I am about any of the other things going on.

I nursed all of my other kids for at least 2 years 8 months. He really deserves mommy milk for that long and I obviously can't do that.

This isn't just about the milk though. It is NOT a breastfeeding or even a pumping issue. Failing this is bringing out so many emotions and stirring up so much sadness. It is about my failure to get him nursing. My failure to help him through all of his rough spots. The fact that I couldn't cuddle and hold him for his first two weeks. The fact that he turned blue and then grey and limp in my arms so many times while feeding. It is about my failure to provide him with the basic normal necessities of life. The placental issues, his time on the vent, his difficulty eating, his motor issues are all so raw right now.

Failing on one more thing has just pushed the rest of the failures to the forefront.

A day at the feeding clinic is exausting at best, but today was totally demoralizing. At least if he had eaten for them or drunk a minimal ammount it would have been something. They made us an appointment to see the GI surgeon Sunday about tube placement and all gave me those sympathetic looks about the feeding.

The good thing is that the social worker didn't come talk to me, so I didn't actually cry.

sbgrace's Avatar sbgrace 08:25 PM 03-21-2007
I hate it that you are hurting so much. I just hate it. Avraham Chaim is so blessed to have you as a mom...you haven't even come close to failing him but I know these are your feelings right now. Your post brought tears to my eyes--I so wish you weren't in pain.
AuntLavender's Avatar AuntLavender 08:54 PM 03-21-2007
I read your post and couldn't help but cry feeling your frustration and sadness. You have not failed your son. It sounds like you are both trying. It must be so hard for you both. When I pray I will remember you and your family.

Sincerely,
Debra, homeschooling mom of 4 ages 10, 9, 7, and 45 months
snangel's Avatar snangel 08:55 PM 03-21-2007
I just wanted to send you a hug.
mamaverdi's Avatar mamaverdi 09:08 PM 03-21-2007
Liba: You aren't failing him even the least little bit. You have to play the hand your dealt. We make plans; Hashem laughs. Come on, you know this.

and

We need to go on a vacation.
niki_73's Avatar niki_73 09:31 PM 03-21-2007
pumping is hard enough you don't need anymore stresses. You are one strong mama
bunsmom's Avatar bunsmom 09:46 PM 03-21-2007
Just sending you warm thoughts, and you are not failing in any way.
rag & bone gal's Avatar rag & bone gal 09:59 PM 03-21-2007
You are far too caring & hard working a mama to have failed Avraham Chaim, even though it may feel like it at times (I know those times - when Finn is retching or spitting up or his eyes are watering because he's aspirated a little milk or he hasn't taken a bottle in 3 weeks - I just keep thinking that he could have had an easier time if I'd chosen different midwives). But both of us know that this was all beyond our control. We just deal with what we were given the best we can, and you're doing an amazing job!

Also, not only have you done all you can for you son, you've helped other mamas (like me) by sharing your experiences with us. Stay strong, Liba, AC is lucky to have you as his mama.

p.s. - I'll be thinking of you on Sunday, and I hope all goes well. We're meeting our GI surgeon on Friday.
USAmma's Avatar USAmma 10:01 PM 03-21-2007
Liba, we are about to head out the door, but I just wanted to reply because your post really moved my heart. As a pumping mom who gave it up to put her on formula, I so understand some of your feelings. ((HUGS)) You have done him such a great service. It's so hard to balance it all, and you have a lot more to balance than most people.
mama-a-llama's Avatar mama-a-llama 11:26 PM 03-21-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liba613 View Post
This isn't just about the milk though. It is NOT a breastfeeding or even a pumping issue. Failing this is bringing out so many emotions and stirring up so much sadness. It is about my failure to get him nursing. My failure to help him through all of his rough spots. The fact that I couldn't cuddle and hold him for his first two weeks. The fact that he turned blue and then grey and limp in my arms so many times while feeding. It is about my failure to provide him with the basic normal necessities of life. The placental issues, his time on the vent, his difficulty eating, his motor issues are all so raw right now.
This is all so familiar to me, although we haven't dealt with all of the same things. Somehow all we do is never enough.
snuggly mama's Avatar snuggly mama 01:10 AM 03-22-2007

MotherWhimsey's Avatar MotherWhimsey 03:02 AM 03-22-2007
s I'm so sorry. Feeding problems suck big time. :
gsmom's Avatar gsmom 12:34 AM 03-23-2007
Liba--I am sending huge hugs your way. I, too, stopped breastfeeding because of Reese's medical stuff. I didn't want to and it still makes me really sad. You are not failing your kiddo. We do the best that we can with what we have been given. I am so sorry you need to go through this right now. Sending many many hugs your way. Take care.
mamarhu's Avatar mamarhu 12:25 PM 03-23-2007
Different story with some of the same feelings here. Food is one of the most basic things we give our children - it defines motherhood, even status as a mammal! When YoungSon didn't/wouldn't/couldn't eat (for about 9 months), I felt like it was my fault - like I should have done something differently, if I had only...(insert any of 1,000 ideas here).

Fault, blame, failure have no place in parenting. Responsibility does - and you have been giving your boy your best. He is so lucky to have been born to you.

Many s. You are really doing great.
MyTwoAs's Avatar MyTwoAs 01:43 PM 03-23-2007
Mamrhu said it so perfectly. *hugs* Liba!
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