When younger siblings copy your ODD/PDD/ADHD child. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 04-24-2007, 09:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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How do you handle this? My youngest is 3 and he wants to be just like his older brother but thats the last thing we want. He copies his attetention seeking behaviors, such as temper tantrums, hitting mom, saying shut up, throwing things when angry, not complying, and now my eldest is using threats on me and himself to gain attention (ie: mom I want you to hit me, or mom I need something sharp to hurt myself with) I do not want my 3 year old acting this way. How do I make him understand that what Bro Bro does isnt ok and that he should not follow his example?
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#2 of 11 Old 04-24-2007, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hello????????????????????????
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#3 of 11 Old 04-24-2007, 01:58 PM
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sorry, only one child here so far so I don't have any suggestions for you. But I didn't want to read and not post.
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#4 of 11 Old 04-24-2007, 02:12 PM
 
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My 2 yo DD is copying her big brother's behaviors but I have yet to find a sure-fire way to curb that - well, I think she's just too young to understand at this point so I just try and work on DS' behaviors and really REALLY praise/reward him for handling even the smallest situation well and it not only helps him but shows DD that she can get that kind of reward as well if she responds to things appropriately. Now, often that's easier said than done but that's what we try to do.
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#5 of 11 Old 04-24-2007, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Sparkle... My 3 year old is just picking up his brothers behavior, which can be violent at times and I do not know what to do.
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#6 of 11 Old 04-24-2007, 02:59 PM
 
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I wish I knew the answer 'cause I've been trying to figure it out! ((HUGS))
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#7 of 11 Old 04-24-2007, 08:13 PM
 
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my 2 year old copies too. it's rough and frustrating because it's disturbing enough to see him struggle, the last thing I want is an otherwise healthy and innocent toddler re-enacting his troubles.

The only tactic I know is to tell her things like "don't do that, it's wrong" and when she stops "yeah, there you go, that's nice, good girl".
Normally I'd tend to ignore the negative and praise the positive, but I think her case calls for direct teaching that the negative is wrong, because in her life experience she has seen it modeled as a thing kids do, and it would be right for her to assume that it was OK if I don't say otherwise.

Berkeley mom of 3 and President of Tender Cargo Baby Gear
and The Nurture Center Store and Resource Center 3399 Mt Diablo Bl Lafayette CA 888-998-BABY
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#8 of 11 Old 04-24-2007, 08:28 PM
 
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We are having trouble with this as well. The hitting really bugs me - our older son hits out of frustration or to avoid something he doesn't want to do and our younger son thinks it's funny to do the same thing. It's hard when responding to our older son, and then DS2 comes up and starts hitting me from behind and laughing when I try to redirect him. I haven't really come up with a consistently good reaction - it's nice when DH is home and can take one of them so that we can put a quicker stop to everything but since he's not home that often I am still searching for the best response.

The other frustrating thing is the language - DS1 is non-verbal (almost mute - just says "ah-ah-ah" to vocalize when very excited/over-stimulated but many days is totally silent) so uses pictures, tapping to get our attention, and is getting a computerized speech device as well. DS2 is speech delayed but CAN say words (like mama and daddy) to get our attention, but chooses to tap (read HIT) to get our attention because that's what big brother does. I am constantly prompting him to use his words but so far he has never once done it spontaneously except might drag me to the kitchen and say "eat". It feels like a never ending battle and does wear on me but I keep telling myself when he is developmentally ready (DS2 at least) he will understand these things and in the meantime we will just keep working on them.

Mamma to three boys : We love :::
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#9 of 11 Old 04-25-2007, 12:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Glad I started this thread. I thought I was the only one out there dealing with this frustrating situation. I post on some other boards and well they just dont get it. They think I am this huge push over who doesnt discipline her kids but I do. I try my hardest but when my eldest boy is telling me he is going to do what he wants because this is his body and I cannot control him and threatens to physically harm me all the while he tells everyone to shut up... his baby brother watches this and thinks its "normal" and "ok" and mimics him.
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#10 of 11 Old 04-25-2007, 01:20 AM
 
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If you can check out a copy, the book Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach has some really insightful things into it. Even if you don't want to apply the whole program (I'm not sure how far I want to go), the first few chapters are excellent. It's a discipline method that has something to offer all kids, I think.

Also, we get this, too, and it does really bother me. The things I've learned (but sometimes forget), is that a child who is experimenting with this sort of behavior is likely to let it go. When I feel like "OMG, I can't let this happen" when I can't really stop my 3 y.o. from doing some things my 6 y.o. does, that freaking out feeling doesn't help me deal well One that is a challenge is when DD imitates DS's loud vocal tics, because 1) since it's kind of like sneezing (sometimes you can stop it, sometimes you can't, and if you do stop it you will usually want to do it again very soon), we don't tell him to stop since he often can't and being told to stop usually makes tic urges stronger and 2) if DD imitates the tic, it prompts DS to do it more, so it gets very loud plus sometimes puts DS over the edge frustration wise.

Sherri


I think that your younger also learns a lot from how you respond to your older's behaviors. I think it's really important to be both firm and low-key, but it's hard to do that. With hitting or yelling to get my attention or get me to do something, my approach is to insist gently that they rephrase, "I don't feel good about doing something for someone who hits me. Ask me again in a nice way." That way they at least practice polite asking rather than only doing the hitting.

Sherri
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#11 of 11 Old 04-25-2007, 01:21 AM
 
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We are going through the same thing. My youngest doesn't understand now but will get it later. My dh and his older brother have the same age gap as my two. His older brother was also in special ed his whole life and i'm pretty sure he is on the spectrum(as is his mom now). He has a few other diagnosis' now. My dh was able to discern acceptable behavior fairly early on.

We just redierct behavior that is destructive or can cause problems. My nt child tends to react fairly well to redirection.

Misty, mama to my nurslings William(11/4/02) and Parker(7/13/04).
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