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Dealing w/Older Children while Sib is in Surgery

489 views 10 replies 6 participants last post by  MaryLang 
#1 ·
Not sure if this is the right place.
I need advice. My dd is having open-heart in a few weeks. And we are planning on staying in the hospital hotel with our 2 yo DS and 3 yo DD while 1 yo DD is in the hospital. But I am coming across issues with what to do with the kids on surgery day. My mom is planning on coming down with her 5 yo and 11mnth old foster child and staying in the waiting room with us and our 2. I'm just not sure how that is sounding to me.
a. I had thought mom would take our 2 for the day or have my older brother take them if mom wanted to be in waiting room.

b. I'm glad to have any kind of support, I should be thankful.

c.They are our kids and our responsibility.

d. It'd be easier to ask her to stay home with her young ones- since we'll be there with our regaurdless- it might be too traumatic for that many young, young kids.
What have you done or would you do?
 
#2 ·
I would say less kids would be easier.
But, if they are all pretty easy going kids and you really would like your mom there than do that. I would say portable dvd player if you allow movies.
And having your brother watching them sounds like a good idea, what about some time with you and half the time with him?

I will be thinking happy and fast recovery thoughts for you lil one.
 
#3 ·
I'm not sure I want her there. My little brother is very hyperactive and does not do well unless very entertained and I don't think she will be able to help us with our kids anyways as she is taking care of an 11mnth old. I am already stressed out thinking about it and know I will probably be a bit emotional that day and it might be hard for a 5, 3, 2 and 1 year old to handle being around. She is also talking about rooming in with us and I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle all the extra stimulis- I have an anxiety disorder as it is and have a hard time hiding panic attacks from my own kids. Would it be that hard handle it on our own, DH and I taking turns?
 
#4 ·
Oh wow. My 1 year old is having heart surgery in a couple weeks as well! We only have one other child (3 years old). I was planning on having him with us on surgery day, but after our exhausting preop day, I am hoping to get my sister or someone else to watch him. It was just too much to handle to have dd going through all the tests/procedures/etc. and also handling ds.

Is there anyone else who could help you? If so, maybe ask your mom to keep the kids at home with another person helping? I know it might not be easy, but you might be more calm if you can focus *just* on your 1 year old for the day.

I hope everything goes smoothly! I'm sure you are so stressed out right now (I know because I am too!). Really, my advice is to do what you need to do to get through this.
 
#5 ·
Yeah, we just had dd's first pre-ops were yesterday. And I am really having a hard time dealing with the idea of DH and I separtated. We have gone to the hospital together all year, but I have had to be the only one in there for tests, while DH is in the waiting room with the kids and it is very hard. And I feel like he is not able to be as part of the decision making as we would like him to be, because he's not there.We are VERY close and really lean on eachother for support in times like these (I don't think mom understand that). I can't imagine being in there during recovery ect... by myself. But understand that sometimes it happens that way and there is nothing I can really do about it.
The intense part should only be a few days right? I mean we should be able to handle it right? I just feel bad for DH, I'm still nursing so I'm sure I'll be the one in the majority of the time. And how do you work down time. If I trade with DH, its not like we'll be able to rest, it'll be bedside or playside.
HipGal-Hope everything goes smoothly for you guys too. Thanks.
 
#6 ·
Sounds like her help while kind to offer (and I imagine she really wants to be there) is going to be actually worse. Are you saying that she could keep all your kids at her house on surgery day? That might be ideal honestly. Or can brother watch them for you on surgery day alternatively and keep mom updated by phone.
I'll tell you my experience and thoughts realizing every family is different. My son has a twin and was recently in the hospital for 6 days. We did a few different things. Having the brother in the hospital at times (I roomed in so not over-night so staying overnight with my sister and his cousin), trading off hubby and I with different children, and grandparents keeping brother at his home for a day or so. Complicated as to why so many changes but this was an unexpected hospital stay and things were crazy.
What would have been best for everyone was brother at home. It was very difficult for me to take care of a sick kid and have another child who of course needed attention too. It is also pretty boring in the hospital for young ones, especially if you are confined to the room, and hospitals are germy places frankly. I'm not germ phobic but things like c. diff. are just facts of life there. Caleb (brother) did better at his home than he did at strange places without us of course so that is something to think about and it was hard on him to be apart during the times he was (he was clingy for a while afterward). Both boys have had day surgeries before and in both cases I left the twin at home with a grandparent and it worked well. That time apart was ok (first surgery was Caleb at 18 months and second was Andrew at 22 so they were young then, the latest was three weeks ago so 39 months).
Here's where I am headed. We didn't intend it this way but while my son was in surgery this time my husband was stuck with my son's twin waiting for someone to arrive to take over for him. I said good-bye as Andrew was going into surgery, talked to the surgeon/anesthesia people, and then was in the waiting room all by myself. I felt incredibly alone. But surgery is always anxious and emotional for me (I have cried as soon as my boys left every time they took them into surgery) and I'm a wreck waiting too. I would not want to have other kids to take care of or feel I needed to act like all was fine with me at those times personally but I know every family and person is different. Perhaps for some it takes their mind off of it. If you've had surgeries before this you probably know whether or not you will be emotional and if you and hubby need to be together (I'm assuming no matter what both are going to at least be in the hospital during that time?). Oh, my sons are three but it was scary and confusing for Caleb to see his brother hooked up to all the IV's and machines. I still think it was good for him to visit because he was very concerned about what was happening to his brother but it was hard for him.
I was composing while you made the last couple of posts (I take a long time).
It is very exhausting to stay in the hospital room (not just emotional but as in you don't get sleep). I still wanted to be there primarily because, well, I guess it is a mommy thing but the times I did get away were important.
 
#7 ·
Dd has had multiple surgeries, and we have always left the older sibs either at home with either grandparents or family friends (and then with dh, once he heads home). I find that the surgery date is extremely stressful for me -- lots of waiting, anxiety, and then dealing with the post-op stuff. For me, I can only focus on what dd needs in that moment, and I like knowing that dd1 and ds are happily occupied, not having to deal with the emotions in the hospital. Ds is also very upset by the hospital environment, and gets extremely antsy and upset when he has to be there. We usually have the older kids visit once dd is stable/feeling better.

Will your dd be going to ICU following her surgery? That's certainly a more limited-visitor area, and it's also significantly more upsetting to deal with for anyone -- parents and kids.

As far as the situation with your DH, I understand how hard that can be. For minor surgeries (ear tubes, biopsies), I am pretty ok with being on my own, mostly because I know the wait time is minimal and dd won't be really out of it or upset when she wakes up. The bigger stuff, though, I really need dh to be there. I need his support and his ability to distract me from all the fear. He usually heads back home once dd is settled in her regular room or up in ICU, depending on the surgery. He also trades off nights with me when he can, but since my work is more flexible and more family-friendly than his, he can't always get time off.

I have to say, too, that having that many young kids in the waiting room might be really hard on the other parents. It's a pretty tense environment, and some parents may be feeling pretty emotional, so having kids there could be somewhat problematic (not that this should be a major part of the decision, but just thought I'd mention it).

Our hospital pretty much has a policy against sibs/family children being in the pre-op and holding areas except if there really isn't any other care available. You might want to check in and see what your hospital policy is (and use it as an "out" for having the other kids there, so you don't look like the bad guy).
 
#8 ·
Yes, DD will be going straight to the ICU from the OR. And I am really beginning to realize that this isn't going to work. I feel like having a great big pity party, but I know somehow things will work out, they have to. I just wish my mom would realize this on her own, I don't even know how to begin to tell her. And I can't "make" her take my kids, and I don't feel comfortable leaving my kids with friends-we haven't known many people for long anyways. This just totally sucks. I was a huge problem having my mom watch my other two when dd was born and in the NICU for a week. I mean it was just dh and I in there ALL the time. He would make coffee runs. She was in our arms every moment they would allow her to be. I really believe that having that constant touch and support makes all the difference for babies going through medical issues. By the time we came home (and DH had been making trips home now and again, so he did have contact with the other children), my mom's house was crazy and she couldn't handle having them around. I am getting so mad now. Why would she think its ok to bring more kids and she is also planning on staying the night a few nights- what sense does that make! You can't take my kids, but you'll bring yours and stay. I am just not understanding. I think she just feels the need to be right in the middle of it all.
 
#9 ·
It sounds like your mom really wants to be there, but that it wouldn't really be helpful for you. Does she want to be there so she can know and feel part of what's going on? If she has a computer, maybe you could set up a CarePage so she could get lots of updates?

Not sure if this would help, but does your hospital or cardiology clinic have a social worker? Maybe you could talk with her to come up with some solutions, especially around having all the kids in the waiting area on surgery day. It's always easier if you can say, "I'd really love that, mom, but the hospital policy is .. . " or "dd's doctor says it's not ok for the kids to come because of the germ concerns . . ." Somehow, I find that makes it more likely that they'll actually listen!

I always hate the stress of finding care for the other kids while dd is in the hospital.
 
#10 ·
Oh Mary, I'm sorry you have all these worries at a time when you are already under a ton of stress. Is there an MDC mama close to where you live that you could maybe rely upon for some support and possibly some kid help?
 
#11 ·
Thanks for all the caring words and ideas!
 
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