I am so glad you posted this. I was just coming to this forum to vent about my heartbreaking experience today, and I open this thread up only to see a post from someone who can relate.
My kid (15 year old dd with a developmental level ranging from 3-10 year old depending on the area) is in a play right now. He is a very creative kid, so even though rehearsing 3 hours a day for months was extremely difficult (sometimes impossibly so for him), he has enjoyed the creative outlet. He also made some friends, which is so wonderful for him.
Tonight was opening night, and after the show, we took him to dinner at a restaurant where people were celebrating the opening. The kids put on some music (we were in a private room), and a bunch of them were dancing around. My son, who loves to dance, started dancing too. He's not a bad dancer, but he is obviously "different" in *everything* he does. It also doesn't help matters that he is a pretty effeminate guy.
Well, a couple of the older kids made some very cruel comments to my son. These are kids I know fairly well because they are in a program I run. I expect better from them! They are educated in differences through our program, and all of the kids that I saw get involved have been raised by parents who model compassion. I was so extremely disappointed. And I felt just terrible, just heartbroken for my son. One of the kids (another kid in my program) did tell the kids who were being mean to chill out, which hopefully at least helped DS feel a little better. My SO and I still ended up getting DS and leaving pretty soon thereafter. It was just too sad to just sit around and watch the cruelty.
And if this is the way the "good" kids behave, I can only imagine the cruelty DS endures when he's at school with all the kids who haven't learned about celebrating differences...the cruelty he endures when we aren't around to help him deal.
This isn't the first time and it wont be the last. I know the main thing is to teach him skills to deal, but part of me feels really furious that *I* have to teach my son to deal with cruelty because even "good" kids can't be kind toward someone so different.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you aren't alone in the grief, the anger, and all that. Also, my DS is also on medications. I didn't make that decision (he was with another family at the time-- we are foster/adoptive parents, and his social worker continues to push that he be on them), but even though I am not a fan of medications, I do have a lot of understanding for their use. I'm glad that we can come here and take comfort in talking with each other. I felt so alone today when I came to post my experience about DS. It is good to talk with others going through the same thing.
Many hugs to you and DD. You have not failed. You are doing the best you can for your daughter with special needs, and you are giving lots of thought to all that you are doing. I only wish there were more parents like you...
I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.