I feel like my head is going to explode and my heart break. - Mothering Forums
Special Needs Parenting > I feel like my head is going to explode and my heart break.
QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar QueenOfTheMeadow 10:34 PM 02-10-2008
So much has been going on in the last few weeks. ds1, who's almost 9, has ADHD, or whatever, just on the spectrum with a few different sensory issues. Up until this year, we were concerned with his academics. This year, academics are great. No arguments at homework time. He's doing voluntary extra projects, etc.

But now the behavior issues are coming out at home and school. We always had some problems at home, but they're getting worse, and now he's having problems at school. Thank goodness the school is being so great about things. They're supportive and helpful to him and to us, but I just feel so lost. We're looking into getting him into a group counciling at children's hospital in boston. It sounds amazing and perfect for him. But that is going to take awhile. We've got the school psychologist evaluating him.

But right now, my stress level is through the roof. He screams at me, at his brothers, at dh, and now at teachers. He goes from fine to a wild person in .1 seconds. I want to scream and yell and lose it with him lately. I am trying so hard to stay calm and not engage him when he gets like this, but sometimes, I lose it. I told him to just shut up today. We don't use that word in our house. I apologized afterwards, but at that moment, I thought if he didn't shut up or I didn't get away I was going to start breaking dishes.

His outbursts are causing him problems socially and it breaks my heart. I wanted to have a party for him and ds2, who is going to be 7, together. But I am so afraid the ds2's friends will come and no one will come for ds1 and it'll break his heart.

And yet, and this is such a horrible thing to say and feel, there are so many times that I want to get away from him. I'm his mother. I love him unconditionally, but somedays I find it hard to see that sweet littl boy inside him and I just miss him and I want to curl up in a ball and die because I'm such an awful mother for feeling this way. I just totally feel like I'm breaking into pieces. I want to make it better for him, for me, for the family. And I want it better now, and I know it can't be. I'm so sick to my stomach about the whole thing and I feel like everyday I can't wait for the day to be at an end. Even today, I played in the snow with him. We baked together. We read together. Anything to engage in a good way, and yet, somehow he still ended up having about 4 screaming fits at me.

Please tell me it's going to get better. Tell me what else we need to do for the time being. Tell me that I'm not going to lose my mind. Please, please, please, just make me feel like not such a horrible mother because I can't help my son.

shelbean91's Avatar shelbean91 10:48 PM 02-10-2008
I'm sorry- no real advice or even any BTDT. But, you're not a bad mom. You're doing the best you can to help him.
A&A's Avatar A&A 12:16 AM 02-11-2008


Have you ruled out sleep apnea?

http://www.drgreene.com/21_621.html
WuWei's Avatar WuWei 12:36 AM 02-11-2008
Dairy causes aggression in many children. How is his diet related to artificial colors?


Pat
bri276's Avatar bri276 12:40 AM 02-11-2008
You are a mother, but you are also an individual person with needs and emotions yourself. You are important too, and it's only natural to experience these feelings when you're under so much stress. Allow yourself to feel what you need to and forgive yourself for it because being perfect isn't what makes someone a good mother- being kind, loving, doing the best you can is all that can be asked. I hope the group at Children's works out soon, you shouldn't have to do this all on your own.
blessed's Avatar blessed 12:50 AM 02-11-2008
Oh mama .

I'm so sorry it's so hard right now.
QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar QueenOfTheMeadow 01:07 AM 02-11-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post


Have you ruled out sleep apnea?

http://www.drgreene.com/21_621.html
I don't know for sure, but he seems to sleep very soundly. He has some sensory issues where he still pees in his bed at night in his pull-ups, but doesn't wake up when he does so.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WuWei View Post
Dairy causes aggression in many children. How is his diet related to artificial colors?


Pat
He is on a gluten, dairy, egg free diet with no artificial colors or flavors. Though, we do let him cheat occasionally, about once a month. I think we'll need to cut that out, at least for the moment when we having such a rough time.


THank you all so much. I am feeling just so hopeless these days. I think I am going to start going to a support group for parents of children on the spectrum. It doesn't start until March 17th though.
sbgrace's Avatar sbgrace 03:16 AM 02-11-2008

I wish I had something better to offer than a cyber-hug. You are not a horrible mommy. I know that for sure.
harmonymama's Avatar harmonymama 03:24 AM 02-11-2008
I know how you feel . I feel so powerless lately sometimes. I sooo want to help my son, and can't...
cchrissyy's Avatar cchrissyy 05:38 AM 02-11-2008
oh mama, you're doing your best but it sound slike your own tank is running so low. go do more for yourself. Get out while he's asleep. walk or read or shower or call firends, whatever you like to do, it doesn't have to cost money. Breathe deep and count blessings and whatever you know will recharge you. I know how tough it is, though I'm not to year 9 yet. things are rough, but you always endure.

I thought he sounded bipolar-y but you said something about the spectrum... not knowing his story I don't know... if you think he needs more assesment or more therapies, then I'd say focus on finding it. That's an investment in a happier future for both of you.
CB73's Avatar CB73 10:42 AM 02-11-2008
{{{hugs}}}

Be sure to take care of yourself.
I hope your sky was brighter when you woke up this morning.
WuWei's Avatar WuWei 12:39 PM 02-11-2008
Mama, we are all on classical homeopathy and it does help our coping with all of it. It addresses all behavioral, physical, emotional and mental characteristics by strengthening the immune system/vital force. Also, have you tried Bach flower remedies?

Check the remedy finders (first 3 links) for selecting a Bach Flower for your particular situation:


http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx

http://www.naturallythinking.co.uk/p...dyfinder.shtml

http://www.essencesonline.com/qnr1-SelfEval.html

http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm

http://www.bachflower.com/38_Essences.htm

Try some Elm or White Chestnut Bach Flower remedy. The first is for 'when you temporarily feel overwhelmed by responsibilities' and the second 'for when thoughts go round and round in your head'.

Could you creates some mantras for yourself? Mantras are mental shields. They help to protect your thoughts from going into those black holes of despair. Something like 'There is plenty of time. We can work it out.' I know I have a lot of self-imposed pressure to "fix it", and giving myself permission to be in a space to THINK and BE can amp down the emotional charge of a situation.

Mine is "All is well. Everything is working toward my highest self. Out of this situation only Joy and Awareness will unfold. We are safe." I have it written down and carry it in my purse, in the car, on the refrigerator. I recite it to myself and it soothes the urgency to solve. It brings me peace in the moments of conflict and distress.


Pat
quetinha's Avatar quetinha 12:50 PM 02-11-2008
I go through this cycle as well. Last week I felt just as you described. It always takes me a few days before I can get back to hopeful thinking.
I think the worst part is after we've had a long stretch of feeling "normal" then things turn. It is always unexpected and shocking to me. I always look for what I've done wrong and blame myself.

Hang in there.
Jenifer76's Avatar Jenifer76 01:54 PM 02-11-2008

QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar QueenOfTheMeadow 05:10 PM 02-11-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by cchrissyy View Post
oh mama, you're doing your best but it sound slike your own tank is running so low. go do more for yourself. Get out while he's asleep. walk or read or shower or call firends, whatever you like to do, it doesn't have to cost money. Breathe deep and count blessings and whatever you know will recharge you. I know how tough it is, though I'm not to year 9 yet. things are rough, but you always endure.

I thought he sounded bipolar-y but you said something about the spectrum... not knowing his story I don't know... if you think he needs more assesment or more therapies, then I'd say focus on finding it. That's an investment in a happier future for both of you.
Thank you! I was lucky enough to get out to dinner with a friend on Sat. THat definately helped. His diagnoses is ADHD, but he also has sensory issues. I have a feeling that he is a bit higher on teh scale than he's been officially diagnosed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WuWei View Post
Mama, we are all on classical homeopathy and it does help our coping with all of it. It addresses all behavioral, physical, emotional and mental characteristics by strengthening the immune system/vital force. Also, have you tried Bach flower remedies?

Check the remedy finders (first 3 links) for selecting a Bach Flower for your particular situation:


http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx

http://www.naturallythinking.co.uk/p...dyfinder.shtml

http://www.essencesonline.com/qnr1-SelfEval.html

http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm

http://www.bachflower.com/38_Essences.htm

Try some Elm or White Chestnut Bach Flower remedy. The first is for 'when you temporarily feel overwhelmed by responsibilities' and the second 'for when thoughts go round and round in your head'.

Could you creates some mantras for yourself? Mantras are mental shields. They help to protect your thoughts from going into those black holes of despair. Something like 'There is plenty of time. We can work it out.' I know I have a lot of self-imposed pressure to "fix it", and giving myself permission to be in a space to THINK and BE can amp down the emotional charge of a situation.

Mine is "All is well. Everything is working toward my highest self. Out of this situation only Joy and Awareness will unfold. We are safe." I have it written down and carry it in my purse, in the car, on the refrigerator. I recite it to myself and it soothes the urgency to solve. It brings me peace in the moments of conflict and distress.


Pat

These are all great suggestions. I actually carry rescue remedy around with me at all times. I even got a spray bottle for him, too. That is a great idea to check out the other Bach Flowers. I am reading up on homeopathy as well. It just seems like that would work so wonderfully with a child's system. I am trying to see if I can find a homeopathic practitioner in the area that would be willing to work with us financially.

Something about your mantra brought tears to my eyes. I think the "We are safe" part especially. I just sometimes feel such desperate fear for his future that I get panicky.

I need to start exercising more too. And I know being stuck inside with the horrible weather isn't helping either of us.


Quote:
Originally Posted by quetinha View Post
I go through this cycle as well. Last week I felt just as you described. It always takes me a few days before I can get back to hopeful thinking.
I think the worst part is after we've had a long stretch of feeling "normal" then things turn. It is always unexpected and shocking to me. I always look for what I've done wrong and blame myself.

Hang in there.

I think that's part of it too. It's like we finally really breathed a sigh of relief at how well he was doing academically. His IEP, his teachers, the school in general have just made things work for him in that way. And then to suddenly have these behavioral issues coming up feels like we're back to square 1 or -2 at the moment. I feel like my energies are very low for this on going up hill journey.
DaughterOfKali's Avatar DaughterOfKali 08:49 PM 02-11-2008
Race Kelly, I can't remember if you are close to me but I think you may be close enough. I have started a support group for moms of special needs children. We mostly meet during the day (while kids are at school.)

Pm me if you are interested.

Right now we meet once a month but a couple of us get together more often on the side.
QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar QueenOfTheMeadow 10:46 PM 02-16-2008
I just wanted to thank you all so much for your responses. I'm in a better place right now. Just knowing that we are working towards making things better helps me breath a little easier. It helps my outlook and it helps me to deal with my anger, sadness, and feeling so totally helpless. It also helps to know that I'm not totally alone in this. This forum is one of the reasons that I love MDC so much. You are all such a wonderfully supportive source for me, I really don't know what I'd do without you all.
cj'smommy's Avatar cj'smommy 11:19 PM 02-16-2008
mama.

Your post could have been mine about my 5 year old and his problems lately which are just getting worse. We were going to start with a therapist but our Ped suggested ruling out sleep apnea first because we knew he wasn't sleeping soundly - but we didn't know how bad it was until we did a sleep study. He stops breathing several times an hour, retains carbon dioxide and has an oxygen level of 90% at night where 98% is what they want to see. It's not life threatening, but bad enough that it seriously affects his quality of life and ours. We thought something was wrong but didn't realize how bad it was an how much it was affecting him. Our ENT told us a lot of kids who are labeled ADHD actually are suffering from sleep deprivation. I'm not trying to diagnose your child, but give you something to think about.

When we saw the ENT and I told him about Connor he said all the symptoms were classic sleep deprivation, he just wasn't sure if it was apnea or not hence the sleep study. Everything fit - the depression, anxiety, mood swings, hyper behavior, bed wetting, tiny appetite and small for his age...things like that.

Here's a great article I found about sleep apnea sleep apnea/ADHD

I've been in tears the last few days because it seems it's getting worse. One minute he's happy the next he's an emotional disaster. Not only is it hard to deal with, but what hurts me more is that he is just so unhappy! It breaks my heart.

He's having his adenoids out on Thursday, and we are hoping it makes a difference. The ENT said it may not solve all the issues he has (it also seems he has sensory problems too) but it should help tremendously. We hope so. If not our next step is a therapist, but we're going to give him about a month to ajust and get some good quality sleep and see what happens.

More mama. It's extremely tough and you are not a bad mother at all for feeling the way you do. By the end of our days I'm done and just want to go to bed to get away from it all because with all that we have going on here on top of him, it's just too much sometimes. Everyone needs a break.

Take care
DaughterOfKali's Avatar DaughterOfKali 01:17 AM 02-17-2008
Hope to see you soon, mama.
Iris' Mom's Avatar Iris' Mom 09:40 PM 02-17-2008
My ds has so many of the same social issues yours has and it is heartbreaking. I am fortunate that he is very calm at home, but when he does push my buttons, I feel like the worst mother in the world -- if not even I can be on his side, who can? I have no advice, but you're not a bad mother and you will get through this.
nikkiana's Avatar nikkiana 11:32 PM 02-17-2008
The way that I'd approach it next time it happens is to direct him to take some cool off time by himself, then when he's ready to be nice again he can come back. When he's cooled off, try asking what caused him to angry and frustrated to see if you can narrow down what the underlying trigger is.

Often times with kids who've been diagnosed with ADHD, the common outburst inducing issue is they were focused on doing something and making progress, then something happened like a parent interrupted to ask the child to do a chore or a sibling wanted to ask their brother or sister a question, or a teacher wanted the child to be doing something different... or it could even be something really minuscule like someone walked into the same room to grab an item and once that interrupting event occurs the child is flooded with a really overwhelming feeling of frustration and an outburst of yelling and/or tantruming can ensue.

The best thing you can do is to teach the child how to react constructively when they're feeling frustrated. Teaching them that if someone interrupts you and you feel frustrated, it's okay to to say to stop and say, "I'm sorry, I feel frustrated right now. Can I take five minutes to calm down and collect my thoughts?" because it's a better way to handle something than to throw a tantrum or to yell at someone.

That said, you're not a bad mom. : It's really hard not to get frustrated when your son is constantly throwing fits.
QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar QueenOfTheMeadow 12:54 AM 02-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkiana View Post
The way that I'd approach it next time it happens is to direct him to take some cool off time by himself, then when he's ready to be nice again he can come back. When he's cooled off, try asking what caused him to angry and frustrated to see if you can narrow down what the underlying trigger is.

Often times with kids who've been diagnosed with ADHD, the common outburst inducing issue is they were focused on doing something and making progress, then something happened like a parent interrupted to ask the child to do a chore or a sibling wanted to ask their brother or sister a question, or a teacher wanted the child to be doing something different... or it could even be something really minuscule like someone walked into the same room to grab an item and once that interrupting event occurs the child is flooded with a really overwhelming feeling of frustration and an outburst of yelling and/or tantruming can ensue.

The best thing you can do is to teach the child how to react constructively when they're feeling frustrated. Teaching them that if someone interrupts you and you feel frustrated, it's okay to to say to stop and say, "I'm sorry, I feel frustrated right now. Can I take five minutes to calm down and collect my thoughts?" because it's a better way to handle something than to throw a tantrum or to yell at someone.

That said, you're not a bad mom. : It's really hard not to get frustrated when your son is constantly throwing fits.
This is the exact solution we are working on. His teachers, as well, are working towards that. They often tell him he can take a stroll around the school until he calms down if that will help. I have seen him lately taking deep breaths to calm down. I love to see him actually using some of the techniques we've been working with him. We're also trying valarien root in the morning. I've been reading up on the studies about it's effect on children. I'm afraid to put much stock in it as it's only been a week or so.

I'm working on a place of peace for him. For some reason, he hates to be alone. Literally the idea of being alone sends him into a state of absolute fear. I am trying to make a quiet place for him somewhere near the family area. I'm thinking perhaps a corner next to the book shelf that will allow him to be near us, and yet sheltered. He loves to read, so I thought near his books might entice him to them to escape a few minutes to distance himself in his mind if not in his body.

I wish so much that I could find a quiet place inside him for him, but I guess that is a journey I can only help him and support him on his way with.
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