thank you again all so much. i will not be considering adoption. i cannot handle all of the emotional and physical stress of carrying a pregnancy to term and not coming home with a baby. my husband is not and likely will not ever find open adoption a viable option. closed adoption was good enough for his parents and he says it's good enough for him. beyond that my oldest son has gotten a new brother and a new dad all in the last year and 1/2. i do not think he could understand or handle knowing that a baby i made left and was not going to come home with us. yesterday we kind of hypothetically asked if he might want a new baby. he said no new baby! want brother! he thought that if we got a new baby we'd get rid of his brother. i feel like an ass because brother went to grandma's today and ds was totally freaked out.
i think adoption is a wonderful thing for many people but it really isn't for me or my family at this point in time. it is not an alternative to abortion. it is so so different.
i know i made an open call for advice and that everyone has been very respectful but i am saying now that i will not be considering adoption anymore. i gave it some thought and discussed it with my husband.
i have made up my mind and am trying to heal from this loss. if i make it to the clinic and just can't do it then i won't but as of now termination is the plan. i could not have done quite as well making this decision peacefully and without shame had i not had access to a full spectrum of experiences from generous women who shared here.
i am not a christian but i do believe that your prayers work. i have religious beliefs that may sound strange or even offensive to some but i know that any prayer said to a god who is believed in has real effects. if you are a religious person or one with a very strong opinion please consider just praying for me and my family rather than pressing me to change my mind. all of your suggestions were very much welcomed and appreciated. i think i got as much out of them as i can. for the record, i didn't feel pressed by anyone before because i had not said outright that my decision was made. i asked and you spoke. i thought and decided.
if you want to PM me that's cool or if you've already done so about this then i will continue the discussion via PM. you have all been a great help. i understand that this is a terribly charged topic and i don't mind people starting their own debate/discussion thread. if it's labeled as such i can choose to read or stay away and i accept the rights of others to speak their minds. thank you for respecting my safe space here.