terminating pregnancy because of family siutation. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 75 Old 07-02-2008, 11:35 PM - Thread Starter
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i put this here because of the reasons i'm choosing this option. if you have anything to share maybe you could PM me because i know it's a very charged topic but i think that maybe there's a chance that someone here has been through the same thing. i just found out i'm pregnant. i have my 4yo who is autistic and my 9mo. my husband and i are working though some very very rough times and i have to say his trend of improvement and our general happiness is on a slow but steady increase. we are both making much needed change in a sustainable way. we slipped up with the BC and i'm probably just around 6 weeks pregnant. i knew right away what i had to do but it's just so damn hard. dh offered to quit his PhD program if needed but i don't want to ask him to do that. plus it would involve moving to a state far far away from fairly supportive (if annoying and intrusive) family who make it possible for us to have the occasional break and stay sane. the kids are very attached to our extended family. cajuns are kind of like my big fat greeek wedding but with seafood instead of lamb. he could also take a second job on top of his research (the uni said they'd look the other way even though he's not supposed to because they know he has a family) but the real issue isn't the money. it's my eldest son. he did fine with the planned birth of his 9mo brother but we're both stretched so thin as it is that i have no idea how we'd ever meet his needs having another baby now. last night when his routine was off he spent literally an hour repeating that he wanted a bath at 3 or 4 second intervals and it took that long to remove the hot grease from the stove change the baby, prepare for bath etc. more children are in our plans but not while i have big kid and a toddler. my mother and husband were over the top supportive and never pressured me. they just hugged me evry time i cam up with a new idea and reminded me that the would still love me no matter what but i have to make up my mind within a week. i just keep crying. another baby would be devastating to our family at this moment but i'm just aching at the thought of not doing all my usual early pregnancy things. i wonder if you have ever known anyone who choose termination because of their sn kids sn? i'm not afraid of having another autistic kid or anything like that. i just can't stand the thought of my little guy so out of sorts all the time and feeling neglected. if i had a billion dollars and could pay for people to do housework and occasional babysitting i'd have this baby in a heartbeat. but i don't have a billion dollars. i have around 100k in student debt and a need to graduate before the aid runs out so that i can start paying it back. i have four people (two who work from home) in a 2 bedroom apartment. i'm just really really sad. i really wish it made sense to continue this pregnancy but it really doesn't and the possibility of an honest to god nervous breakdown is alot scarier than the thought of even a huge regret.

eta: i guess it's not because of his needs. it's because of my limitations. just feels better to say cause his needs aren't his fault and i'm afraid that my inability to take any more pressure is mine.
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#2 of 75 Old 07-02-2008, 11:50 PM
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I don't envy your decision. You have to do what you feel is right for your family. Take care of yourself first, so you can be a loving mama to the rest of your family. I can honestly say if my dear daughter had those types of special needs, we would not have another child. That's me and my family though...you know your limitations and what you can provide. No real advice, but I just wanted to give a little support.

I know about them Cajuns, cher.....

Take care.
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#3 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 12:00 AM
 
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I'm sorry that you're going through this difficult time.

I'm not pregnant, but I know that I would terminate if I was to become pregnant. My two are all that I can handle. They're five years apart in age in part because of DS1's special needs being so energy- and time-consuming.

You have my support and understanding, if that helps at all.

You can find me on Facebook. PM for info.
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#4 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 12:16 AM
 
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#5 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 12:20 AM
 
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I hope it helped to get it all out. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
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#6 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 02:14 AM
 
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#7 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 03:02 AM
 
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You have to do what's best for your family.

I slipped up with BC last week. We don't even have any children yet though I've been wanting a baby for many years. I wasn't going to get health insurance until the next few weeks that covers NO existing conditions including pregnancy. And I could easily see them saying that I was already pregnant even if the insurance went through sooner than it's supposed to.

So I took Plan B. Obviously that's much easier than terminating a pregnancy but there was still an aspect of it that was hard.


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#8 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 03:29 AM
 
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What a heartrending decision to have to make.
I'm sorry to hear you are facing such a difficult decision and I know you will make the best choice for you and your family. Whatever decision you make, there will always be others here willing to offer a shoulder, an "ear" and a hug, though they may only be virtual ones.
You are in my thoughts.

Wife of Michael , SAHM to Aristotle 09/99 Raphael 06/07 and Marius 05/09 Known only in dreams but never forgotten: Euphrates Decluttering 290/2010
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#9 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 05:14 AM
 
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Were I you I would not get an abortion. The baby you are carrying now won't be born for 9 months - that's a really long time.

My son is classically autistic and all of my kids are very close in age (none of them are even 2 years apart.) He has had more life-changing moments of joy from his siblings than I can count.

The baby you are carrying now will be so close in age to your 9mo that they will be fast friends. Soon the difficult parts of babyhood will pass after the new baby is born and it will be easier - they will play with each other. The first hard time is so very short in the grand scheme of life - one and a half to two years of the new baby's 80-year life...

I hope you don't decide to abort.
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#10 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 08:27 AM
 
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I know that everything looks really bleak right now...8 months is a long way off, though. My kiddos are 4 and 7 now and although the early years were hard, they *need* each other now and help each other each day (they both have special needs). I think you'll have to look at one thing at a time, one day at a time. One need at a time. You won't be able to plan it all out but that's okay...our kids with special needs seem to be sent here to teach us all to slow down and live in the present moment. This little one that is inside is sent to teach you something as well, and perhaps his siblings as well.

You also may need to use meds...for yourself and perhaps for your special needs child (if you aren't already) if things look totally bleak...to help you to cope. Anyway, we're here to support you Deep breaths, mama...
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#11 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 08:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by feebeeglee View Post
Were I you I would not get an abortion. The baby you are carrying now won't be born for 9 months - that's a really long time.

My son is classically autistic and all of my kids are very close in age (none of them are even 2 years apart.) He has had more life-changing moments of joy from his siblings than I can count.

The baby you are carrying now will be so close in age to your 9mo that they will be fast friends. Soon the difficult parts of babyhood will pass after the new baby is born and it will be easier - they will play with each other. The first hard time is so very short in the grand scheme of life - one and a half to two years of the new baby's 80-year life...

I hope you don't decide to abort.
I can't decide this for you, obviously, but I was going to write almost exactly this. (except I don't have an autistic child)

Why do you have to decide in a week?

Can I also gently suggest that if you posted this here, you probably know in your heart what the right decision is.

I'm sorry this came when you aren't ready, and that it seems so heart wrenching to you now. I hope for your sake that you find peace in whatever decision you make, and I hope for your baby's sake that you decide to keep him/her.

Mommy to BigBoy Ian (3-17-05) ; LittleBoy Connor (3-3-07) (DiGeorge/VCFS):; BabyBoy Gavin (10-3-09) x3 AngelBaby (1-7-06)
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#12 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 09:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by 2boyzmama View Post
Why do you have to decide in a week?
Yeah, I was just going to ask that. What is another few weeks or so to decide something so extremely important.


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Originally Posted by 2boyzmama View Post
Can I also gently suggest that if you posted this here, you probably know in your heart what the right decision is.

I hope for your sake that you find peace in whatever decision you make, and I hope for your baby's sake that you decide to keep him/her.
: and I'm glad that you have a supportive family.

I know of so many women who said it was extremely hard at the time and they had to make some hard life changes, but they chose to keep their child. I've never known them to regret it. In fact later on they have always been grateful they had that child. For instance, I was one of those children

Kim mama to DS 12/2005, Pepper kitty , and 10/03, 1/05;
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#13 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 09:21 AM
 
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I'm concerned you may get negative messages or PMs.

I haven't been in your exact situation, but I can say imagining it I would make the same decision you are making. There is a reality that resources are limited and you know you are at the limit of what you can do financially, emotionally and physically. Your first responsibility goes to your children. I believe it is a noble and brave decision you are making. Take care.
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#14 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 09:34 AM
 
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It's wonderful that you have the support of your family, that's going to be key in the days ahead. You deserve to make the decision that is right for YOU.

You have the power, the rights (thank god) and the support to make this choice. And once you have made your decision, make peace with it.

I've been there. Making peace with your decision and yourself is going to be paramount.

You'll be in my thoughts.
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#15 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 09:38 AM
 
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I too am concerned you will get upsetting messages when things are difficult for you. I totally see where you are coming from, I have an autistic cousin and I have had several autistic students over the years. Combined with your debt, your schedule, your son's sn, and a baby, I can see how it is all too much. I would lay out all the options, because some of the posters who have autistic kids have said their sn kids did better with more siblings. But each autistic child is different, so I don't know. You sound like you are being honest with yourself, which is wise.

Take care.
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#16 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 09:54 AM
 
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I agree with what feebeeglee said... I just wanted to add too that there is always the option of adoption. Even though you might not be able to provide for your child someone else might be able to.

Busy Mom raising 5 kiddos, 7, 6, 5, 2  and a brand new bundle!! (5/15/11)  cd.gifribbonpb.gifnovaxnoIRC.gif

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#17 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 10:19 AM
 
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I agree with what feebeeglee said... I just wanted to add too that there is always the option of adoption. Even though you might not be able to provide for your child someone else might be able to.
A similar thought... can anyone in your extended family provide for and care for the child while things are really rough for you? In our extended family there have been a few children mostly raised by grandparents and aunts/uncles.

Kim mama to DS 12/2005, Pepper kitty , and 10/03, 1/05;
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#18 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 10:25 AM
 
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thinking of you-and wishing you clarity, acceptance and peace, no matter what you decide.
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#19 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 10:57 AM
 
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As an adoptive mama myself, I also wonder if you would consider placing your baby for adoption. It would give you many months to decide if you could really do this. If you decide you can't, this baby could be an enormous joy and blessing to another family that is ready for a baby but can't have one.

I don't mean to be insensitive. My heart goes out to you. I just had to mention the option of placing for adoption. I've known families in similar situations that made that choice and while it was hard, they have no real regrets.

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#20 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 11:00 AM
 
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Would you consider adoption? I know that not everyone at MDC supports adoption, but I was adopted as an infant, had a great childhood and now am reunited with my birth family and we stay in touch. I'm sorry you are stressed over this and wish you and your family the best.
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#21 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 11:01 AM
 
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I have hesitated in responding for want of words.

My heart aches for you.

My first thought in reading your post was that it sounded like you already knew what you wanted to do. Just the way your wrote things it seemed like you felt the "reasonable" thing to do would be to terminate this pregnancy, but that this wasn't feeling right to you.

My second thought was worry for you about the PMs you might receive. I can imagine how vulnerable and uncertain I would feel in your shoes, and I worried most about (a) PMs that would hurt you, and then a little about (b) PMs that would take advantage of this time to consider your options to offer to adopt your child before you are fully able to consider parenting him or her.

I am praying, praying, praying that you are receiving PMs right now from people who have been in similar shoes and who can be sensitive and open and share their experiences in a way that helps you discern what is right for you and your family...WHATEVER that may be.

I have not been in your shoes (I do have two children with special needs, but my situation is so different), so I can't say what I would do if in your shoes. I don't think I would choose terminating the pregnancy personally, but who am I?

I really hear you when you say, "i really wish it made sense to continue this pregnancy but it really doesn't and the possibility of an honest to god nervous breakdown is alot scarier than the thought of even a huge regret." That seems really worthy of consideration. On the other hand, I have known those for whom huge regret eventually became the nervous breakdown. What would bring you the most regret (adoption can too)? Is it possible to even know right now? Like someone said, 9 months is a long time.

Hmmm...

I guess the question becomes, what can you live with, in one year, in five years, in ten, in twenty?

I don't think you need to decide between adoption and parenting right now (I say that with some reason, being a mother by adoption and knowing well my children's birthparents). Reserve this time for, "can I live with the termination of this pregnancy?" ...Now, in a few years, many years from now? Maybe ask yourself what you are coming here for...are you looking for someone to say, "It is okay. Abortion is not the end of the world. You can have an abortion and hurt about it and still eventually come to peace with it?" Or would it be more relieving to be talked out of it?

Independent research on effects after abortion have shown that women who experienced real depression or trauma as a result were women who didn't believe in abortion or who had very conflicted feelings in the first place about it. Women who struggled with the decision but who believed in abortion as a truly valid option generally felt some sadness and mild depression and definitely had mixed emotion, but were able to come to peace with their decisions.

If you can't live with terminating this pregnancy, you can sort the rest out later. You will need unpressured space to decide whether you can make parenting this child work.

If you can live with terminating this pregnancy, than I think that answers the main question before you: "can I consider an abortion right now?"

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#22 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 11:25 AM
 
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I hope that you find peace in whatever you chose.
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#23 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 11:37 AM
 
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I hope that you find peace in whatever you chose.
Exactly.


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#24 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 01:42 PM
 
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If I was to get pregnant again, I would most likely terminate as well, I know what you mean when you say your own limitations, I am streched thin and there is no way I could handle a pregnancy even just to adopt out let alone another child.
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#25 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 01:51 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not post... Hugs and peace to you!
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#26 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 01:55 PM
 
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Sending you peace, light, and wisdom for this very difficult choice. Be gentle with yourself.

Nena, Wife to S since 1995, mom to G (my wonderkid) since 2000 and R since 2006 (my snuggley boy who was diagnosed with mitochondrial disease in 2007)
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#27 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 02:13 PM
 
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If I could rewrite Sierra's post for you, I would. Her words were wise and loving and supportive, which is what you need right now. Only you know what's best for you and your family.
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#28 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 02:46 PM
 
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thinking of you-and wishing you clarity, acceptance and peace, no matter what you decide.
I couldn't put it any better than this.

Try to make your decision with peace, not from a place of fear.

Sharon FF/Medic DH 3 DD's 2/98, 4/01, 11/05
~*The days are long, but the years are short.*~
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#29 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 02:56 PM
 
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We know each other off MDC, right? Please pm me if you need anything.

I 100% support you making the best choice for your family.
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#30 of 75 Old 07-03-2008, 03:15 PM
 
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No advice, just big hugs
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