Cure the sepcial needs mommy? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 03:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am autistic (Asperger's), my almost 4 year old is an unlabeled weird Nt-ish replica of me except much cooler and with many more friends than I do.

So, the past few days have been very stressful for me. On top of all that, my laptop died on me. As usual, when something breaks down, DD observed and asked questions while I was taking it apart and coming to the sad realization that I needed a new laptop. For some reason, I am really attached to my computer and completely freaked out over it. DD woke up in the morning to find me staring at the motherboard, multi-meter in hand, pulling the hair out of my legs with my nails. She said: 'Mommy, you will be ok. We can buy another one.' She then gave me a hug and got me a glass of water.

The next day, after my mom was kind enough to buy me a new laptop, I go with her to the store, to find out that the salesperson had hustled her into paying 150$ to install windows and get some stupid anti-virus. It was already done and too late to cancel it, but I told the guy off for ripping people off like that. He went on to say that it was very difficult to install and that I surely could not do it myself. Once again, I went into 'crazy autistic this-is-not-making-sense mode' and argued with the guy for a good half-hour. My daughter, once again, gave me some hugs and kisses and calmed me down.

When we got home, I opened the laptop and just felt so violated to have someone else mess with my technology. It feels like the laptop is used. I just NEED to install anything that there is to install myself. I started crying a little bit but pulled myself together when my daughter approached with her 'It's ging to be ok' look.

So, is this bad? I don't know if I can trust my perspective right now, but I feel horrible, like I am traumatising her or something. I have so many things that I am so particular about (no one would ever dare try and fix anything on my car or do me a favor and clean my dishes or whatever) and when things are unsettled or stressful, I really go in full autistic mode. I normally say that accepting autism does not only apply to children and that DD will surely grow up to be a well-balanced, open-minded person. Now, I am wondering where to draw the line. I am wondering if the way she tries to comfort me is not something she should be thinking about at her age.

Other Aspie or otherwise "special needs" parents, what do you think?

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#2 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 11:11 AM
 
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You'll be OK. My daughter is used to this by now.

Oh, and the computer thing made my blood run cold....

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#3 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 12:26 PM
 
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I'm not on the autistic spectrum, but I got all f**ed up from my childhood, so I have to stay on top of myself all the time. Many people are damaged from their own pasts, and this interferes with their "good" parenting just like you describe, so I don't think this is an autism specific concern. I genuinely believe that your awareness and concern about it is what makes all the difference. We're all going to screw up in various ways. It's our willingness to be responsible for that, for being human, that will save our kids from truly getting hurt by it.

That's my opinion anyway.
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#4 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 01:16 PM
 
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Na, I figure my kids are used to my weird mommy ways. My circular mommy rants that are really about nothing. My obsession with perfection on a few things. My unwillingness to walk into a messy room. And my anxiety attacks. I actually think that my kids are more well adjusted because of all this. They don't seem to care one bit, lol. I'm weird, we just embrace it as part of who I am. (And my Autistic DS has said more than one "Mom is JUST like me!")

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#5 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 03:03 PM
 
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I'm not autistic but my NT four year old tries to jump in and reassure/fix things too when I'm mad or upset. I just think some kids do that stuff. It makes me uncomfortable because I do not want him to feel he has a responsibility to care for a parent. I tell him I'm fine and I'll work it out and don't worry. But I think it is less about me and more about his personality as he does it with his daddy and brother too.

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#6 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 03:28 PM
 
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I'm a self diagnosed aspie and both of my boys are on various places of the spectrum, so I don't really have a NT kiddo that tries to comfort me when I am having my issues, but both of my boys dont like to see me cry and try right away to "fix things" and "make mom happy again". I don't necessarily think that this is exclusive to ASC families, I think all kids get disturbed when mom is upset because mom is the one they go to when they need to cry. See what I mean? In the end I don't think you are traumatizing your daughter, but if it is a problem for you then maybe you would feel more comfortable seeking out a therapist or whatever to help you???? I don't know really what to recommend as I haven't really found anything that works for me either other than that I have a very good friend who is also a special ed teacher and she completely understands me.

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#7 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 03:43 PM
 
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We're ALL "weird" in one way or another, whether or not the particular weirdness can be diagnosed and accurately labeled. We all sometimes freak out over things that may seem "stupid" to others- whether because of it pushing our own personal buttons or because we're just overwhelmed and react to something "little" out of proportion.

When this happens, somebody looking on the situation from the outside (including young children) can sense the upset, sometimes put things in perspective better than the person feeling upset, and offer comfort. This doesn't harm children in any way, as long as you're not expressing your unhappiness in violent outbursts, or are so distraught that you can't attend to her basic needs.

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#8 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 03:49 PM
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I'm weird, no other lable than that. Dd has me pretty much figured out. Ds, on the spectrum, will eventually My dd is super sensitive- like your dd. Some are just more the comforting type.
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#9 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 03:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sbgrace View Post
I'm not autistic but my NT four year old tries to jump in and reassure/fix things too when I'm mad or upset. I just think some kids do that stuff. It makes me uncomfortable because I do not want him to feel he has a responsibility to care for a parent. I tell him I'm fine and I'll work it out and don't worry.
Same here. But, my four year old daughter does this only with me...like she wants to make me "better" every time something is bothering me. While I am NT, I suffer from an anxiety disorder and have severe health anxiety. She has seen that I have been to many doctors, and even over night at the hospital. I think she worries a lot about me, and this is the reason she always tries to make me feel better. So I can relate to the OP. I do worry about how my issue is shaping her view of her role in our family.
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#10 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 07:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the responses. I am usually very confident about things like this, but these past few days have been very hard. I was replaying the events in my head last night about that Future Shop incident and I could see myself repeating the same things over and over to the salesperson and everyone looking at me like I was crazy. Then I thought of my friend who grew up with a mom who had severe depression all the time and how messed up she is because of it. I know it is not the same thing but I could not help but start being scared that my daughter will grow up to be one of those kids who need to talk with the school counselor about how crazy their family is. Maybe I am just freaked out at the thought that she can sense my emotions when I can't. Parenting is so fascinating.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#11 of 11 Old 07-16-2008, 08:00 PM
 
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I worry about how my personal *issues* and the other issues in our family affect my 4YO DD as well, now and in the long run. But I have to remind myself I am doing the best I can and that kids are resilient. I think we mamas (SN or not) have a hard enough time as it is without packing on the guilt. Do the best you can and try to not beat yourself up over the rest. DD has definitely seen me breakdown before. I suppose its not the healthiest thing in the world, but it is life. She has also seen me rebound and get myself up off the floor or out of the closet (my favorite "alone" place to go and cry -- our house isn't very big). I hope that she is learning that lesson as well. Sometimes we all lose it and then we pull it together again.

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