i sit here with tears in my eyes because i've just sent my almost 4yo to the bed. not our bed, to another bed in the second room. she is sleeping alone. i told her i didn't want her next to me.
i'm lost. i just don't know what to do. i hate this. i hate being mean, i can't believe i said those words... i know she was hurt and probably doesn't understand why.
today has been a particularly bad day (as was yesterday) and i barely have anything left for tomorrow (i am DREADING tomorrow). there is no one to help me. dh comes home at 7pm and doesn't understand her condition to begin with. he doesn't know how to talk to her, how to get through to her... and he tries once and then gives up. he is not a playful father - he doesn't read to them or play with them. he thinks that entertaining them is putting a movie on.
: as the girls have gotten older he has very much become an armchair parent and i'm the one disciplining and trying my hardest to become more informed about everything so that i can give the girls the best we've got. I ONLY HAVE SO MUCH FREAKING PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ENERGY THOUGH! i also have to deal with dh's negativity about everything and that is ENOUGH to wear me out - i suspect he has aspergers or SPD himself but that is another thread - then add in dd#1 and her issues... thankfully my second dd is easy to deal with.
i need a break. but i don't want to leave dd#1 (the one with sensory integration/processing disorder) in a huge fit of tears. it pierces through me and i would feel incredibly guilty the whole time. how do you any of you actually get out of the house or be alone for a little while? i haven't been alone in almost 4 years and we don't go anywhere, don't see anyone.. i have no one to talk to.. so i'm really starting to get serious about having some time off because i NEED to. i am really not doing well in this state. i hate mothers groups/play groups - it seems almost every kid is sick and all the kids play so nicely and my one just doesn't understand all the social stuff and ends up being annoying/angry/pushy and i'd rather just stay at home.
so, onto other stuff...... what do you if your SPD kid is being very selfish and demanding. what do you do when they hit thier sibling for no damn good reason at all and keep screaming in thier face? what do you do when your younger child comes out with lots of scratches from playing in the backyard in places where you know she could of only been scratched by from another person (like under the neck, on the shoulders etc). what do you do when you ask your SPD child to do something so freaking simple (like please put X on the table) and all they do is look at you and smile and *knowingly* refuse to put it on the table.
i don't know what to do with my daughter anymore. things are good when i am rested, happy and bursting with enough patience to last a week straight - remain positive and let a lot slide. but i'm not feeling optismistic anymore. i'm tired, i'm angry, i'm lonely and resentful and i find myself dealing with dd's behaivour in less ideal ways. and i know i can do better than that, i know i can, dd deserves for me to... but i just don't have the resources or energy. advice, please...
please no flames. my conscience has flamed me enough. i want to start anew with her but i feel i've already done the damage and nothing i can do is going to change anything.