Mourning the Change in My Singleton Relationship - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 12-30-2003, 02:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just need some support and BTDT from moms who had singleton children before they had their multiples. I missed my Meg so very much while I was in the hospital (four days, c-birth). I thought I would feel all better when I got home but I am still in mourning. Even though I get to spend lots of time with her, some with and some without the newborns, I still just miss so very much when it was just she and I. I'm in tears about it right now.

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#2 of 11 Old 12-30-2003, 02:36 AM
 
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No multiples here, but I can empathize. I felt the same way after having my 2nd daughter. My solution was to make a monthly Z and Mommy day where we go and do something, just the two of us. I also try to spend some one-on-one time with her every day, even if it's just a pre-sleep chat. I think that mourning the loss of that one-child relationship is completely normal. Some days at the end of the day, I'm a little bit sad that I didn't DO more with my kids. It makes me sad how fast they grow up and get more independent. But, I think that it's also TOTALLY cool how each relationship is different and evolving and growing and I get excited for the women they will become and the relationship we'll have then (but please don't let it come too soon!).

My two cents and hugz!!!
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#3 of 11 Old 12-30-2003, 02:26 PM
 
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Hi, Analisa. First of all...CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your twins!! How cool that they were born on Christmas Eve. My girls turned 1 on the 16th.

I can completely relate to your feelings about your oldest dd. My dd, Haven, was 27-months-old when her sisters were born. Up until then it was always Mommy and Haven. We went everywhere and did everything together. If you saw me you knew Haven wasn't too far behind. We got pregnant again when Haven was about 18-months-old and soon after found out we were expecting twins. I remember looking at my dd (she was at the ultrasound with us) and thinking of how she had no clue how much our lives were about to change. Haven was - and still is - my soulmate. We are like two peas in a pod and the thought of that changing was unbearable to me.

When I was sent to be induced (due to high bp), I was at the doctor's office with Haven...dh was at work. Haven and I headed to the hospital together but I made a side trip to McDonald's to get her a treat and to savor the last few moments of just "us". I had my dh take a last picture of us together too.

I remember all too well the moments after she met her new sisters and how heartbroken we both were. When she first came into the room I cried just looking at her. I felt like someone who had been caught cheating. I held her and cried...cried for missing her and cried for her world being rocked. The first introductions were okay but when her sisters needed to nurse she broke down (she had just weaned 2 months before they were born). I sobbed and she sobbed. We both recovered and she has since that moment on taken her baby sisters into her arms, her life and her heart.

I still look back and miss those moments when she and I could just pick up and go wherever we wanted...when I could watch her gymnastics classes without running around after two babies...when I could lay with her while she fell asleep and was right there when she woke up crying...when she never had to get it herself or do it alone. But I also watch her with her sisters...reading them books...picking them up when they fall...drying their tears...whispering to them "It's okay...I'm here". I also watch her "nursing" her twin baby dolls and know without a doubt that these moments are priceless and worth every stuggle we face along the way.

Geez...who knew this one post would unlock so many feelings for me. Having twins is such an amazing and special thing. I thank God daily for having blessed me with such miracles. I also thank him for the amazing gift of Haven. Without her...I wouldn't be the mother I am today!

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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#4 of 11 Old 12-31-2003, 03:44 AM
 
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Megs Mom, , you did it. Congratulations!!!!!! THey are BEAUTIFUL BABIES.

I know what you mean. I mourned too. I stayed up late after the twins finally fell asleep one night and I., 18 months at the time, woke up. We played and played then he fell asleep an hour later. He began waking up at around 4 am, it always happened just as the babies fell asleep and we did this for WEEKS and he really loved the mama time.

A., 4 at the time, would just sit with me all day and 'help' me with the twins and we got to bond that way but I missed the freedom to have time alone with her.

My twins turned one on 20 and 2 december and are out of their bucket seats. I thought a friend would need one but she doesn't. Do you need them? Never in an accident and in great condition. Also, need any supplies or clothes for them? (I have b/g twins too)

LMK and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!
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#5 of 11 Old 12-31-2003, 04:30 AM
 
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Analisa,

It DOES get better! You are going through a really, really, REALLY hard time right now. The first six weeks are really hard.

I cried and cried for about a week after I got home, because of how things had changed. It took Fiona a little bit to adjust (I'd been in and out of the hospital, too...and she was freaked out by the breastpump). I think part of the reason why I was so distraught was the hormone crash, but the Percoset played a big role too! (As well as sleep dep., ect.)

It will take some time, but you will have special time with your girl again. I worried that my bond with Fiona would lessen, esp. since she was so young when the boys were born--just 18 mos! But once the fog of just surviving all the stuff that goes down in the first 6 weeks lifted, it was easier. And I was reassured that we are still tight as ever!

You are recovering from twinshock, from surgery, from vital changes to your family. You're going to be out of sorts for awhile. But you will figure it out, and so will Meg! You're going to be fine, mama.
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#6 of 11 Old 12-31-2003, 05:00 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tigerchild
Analisa,

It DOES get better! You are going through a really, really, REALLY hard time right now. The first six weeks are really hard.

You are recovering from twinshock, from surgery, from vital changes to your family. You're going to be out of sorts for awhile. But you will figure it out, and so will Meg! You're going to be fine, mama.
Yes, Tigerchild said it really well. And we are here to help you however we can.
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#7 of 11 Old 12-31-2003, 05:01 AM
 
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oh sweetie, I felt the guilt to, though I only had one new baby. It isn't so bad now.

1plus2, that was a beautiful post
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#8 of 11 Old 12-31-2003, 11:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by hotmamacita
My twins turned one on 20 and 2 december and are out of their bucket seats. I thought a friend would need one but she doesn't. Do you need them? Never in an accident and in great condition. Also, need any supplies or clothes for them? (I have b/g twins too)

LMK and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!
i need boy clothes, the smaller the better!

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#9 of 11 Old 12-31-2003, 11:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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1Plus2, got me teary all over again - you understand! ty to everyone for making me feel so much better, i knew you would!

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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#10 of 11 Old 12-31-2003, 11:02 PM
 
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Aw, man. Now I'm teary eyed too, and number two is still only an idea!

Analisa, I'm betting alot of this is just the major hormones you're experiencing, combined with the reality that your life has changed alot. It doesn't have to be for the bad, however. Feel free to keep sharing your feelings with us here. You are in mourning, in a way. But a door closed is usually another door opening...

Big hugs from your old Boston AP group mama friend!

teapot2.GIF Homeschooling, Homesteading Mama to DD ('02) and DS ('04)  ribbonjigsaw.gif blogging.jpg homeschool.gif

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#11 of 11 Old 01-01-2004, 01:52 AM
 
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PM'd ya', MM.

(IF anyone wants to join me in sending MM care packages, PM me. Twins are SOOOOO overwhelming at first but so worth it. Let's shower her with a little .)
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