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#1 of 26 Old 07-06-2009, 04:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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out of curiosity...

i stay home with my 5 month-old boys, i have no help whatsoever. i also do all of the cooking + laundry + keep the house as clean as i can. i have a business that i work on as much as possible. my husband thinks that i should be working on it more - that i'm not doing enough. i am up with the boys all n night, "wake up" around 7-8, put them down around 9pm, and clean until 11, then stay up until 1am-ish to have some time to sprnd w/hubby. i am fine with it, except for when he has the balls to tell me i'm not doing enough.

so, what do you do? do you get any appreciation? etc... i am beyond pissed right now, wondering if i am perhaps really not doing enough??
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#2 of 26 Old 07-06-2009, 05:12 PM
 
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You are doing more than enough. When my twins were 5 months I survived. I struggled with massive sleep deprivation and I nursed them, made dinner most nights and kept them alive. I tried to get out now and then. I had cleaning help come in every 2 weeks (no nearby family to help at all).

What you're doing? That's what I'm doing NOW with 3-year-olds who sleep through the night. And my husband says things like "I have no idea how you get everything done." Smack your husband upside the head for me, 'kay?

Mostly sane mother to twins.
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#3 of 26 Old 07-06-2009, 09:21 PM
 
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I think you probably can scrape together enough time to kick your husband in the head every day if he continues saying such ludicrous things to a woman with 5-month-old twins and no help.

Betsy, mama to beautiful, strong MZ twins Lillian and Kate, born 11 weeks early on January 10, 2006.
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#4 of 26 Old 07-06-2009, 09:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by OGirlieMama View Post
I think you probably can scrape together enough time to kick your husband in the head every day if he continues saying such ludicrous things to a woman with 5-month-old twins and no help.
Um, yeah, what she said. Seriously.

I had someone come clean the house every week. I made some dinner for myself. My husband was never ever ever home by dinner. I made myself go to bed at 9 or I would be horribly non-functional with babies who were up all the time and never at the same time. I was surviving with 5 month old twins. I did the laundry. Kept the house tidy. Bill did the grocery shopping. I did not also try to work. I had no help with the babies. You're doing a lot, IMO.

SAHM to F & P, : fraternal twins born 3/05, : I, born 12/07 & at 5 weeks in July 2009
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#5 of 26 Old 07-06-2009, 09:56 PM
 
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I think you probably can scrape together enough time to kick your husband in the head every day if he continues saying such ludicrous things to a woman with 5-month-old twins and no help.
:

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#6 of 26 Old 07-06-2009, 10:34 PM
 
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My girls are 6 months old. We have someone come to clean every 2 weeks, so in between not a lot gets done other than tidying (every night after kids are in bed) and dishes, laundry. I do all the laundry (though up until about 2 weeks ago my mother still came a couple of afternoons a week to help with that). I cook dinner most nights and my dh cleans up. The babies are up several times through the night, but they do generally go down by 8 pm and then I get a couple of hours to "myself" before I hit the sack.

We get 1 year paid maternity leave in Canada so I won't return to work for another 6 months

I think sometimes we end up almost in a competition complaining about who does more...we both do lots and it's never really helpful to get into that argument...no one wins. I'm sure if you left your babies alone with him for an hour and asked him to cook dinner and do a load of laundry while you're gone he might just appreciate what it's like!

Tammy, Canadian Mama to 4 girls May-02...March-05 and...identical twin girls Jan-09
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#7 of 26 Old 07-06-2009, 11:57 PM
 
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I think SuzyQ hit the nail on the head when she said "competition". I remember a couple of times that I was guilty of insinuating that DH could have gotten more done when he was with all 3 kids, as I felt that I was doing sooooooo much. And I was, but as everyone's lives look really different, I was doing a ton, but that was after my first 3 months where I had live in help from friends and family, and then just really involved loving people ever since surrounding us. The girls are 14 months old, and I still get help. We still need help. I need help and will take anything. I also like to give back however I can, but twins are tough, and it's best to get help. Just this weekend my SIL asked me how my garden was (I LOVE my garden, and it brings me great joy, which she knows), and I told her that I was sad that plants were dying as I couldn't get out to water them. She came over and finished a soaker hose project, weeded, and ran to the store twice for us. And that was just her and that was just this week. You are doing a TON and my guess is that you are both just depleted and wishing that there was some reprieve from it all. There are nights when I look at our laundry and want to break down in tears about it. But I know that in the morning, my 86 year old neighbor would love to come for coffee and fold it all....
Try to cast your net out to a larger community to help support you both during this challenging time. I often will try to muster up all the strength I have to find some nurturing for my DH (even if it means making him a massage appt), as I feel like us making it as a couple is soooooo freakin' important, and when we are battling it out over who does more and is more exhausted, then we have issues.
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#8 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 12:55 AM
 
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You do a heck of a lot more than me. My two are 4 months old. Today I did a load of dishes and a load of laundry, fed the two big kids, nursed the babies, and changed diapers. I would have cooked dinner, but we went to my grandparent's tonight. Most days I feel like I'm just treading water, and am bearly keeping my head above the water (and there are days I'm sure I'd drown if it weren't for my 10 year old DD helping me). Unfortunately, I get no appreciation either. Hubby just doesn't get how hard this is and tries to tell me I'm not doing enough. If he doesn't stop bugging me, I'll have to stop trying altogether and he'll see just how bad it can really get.

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#9 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 02:46 AM
 
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When my boys were 5 months, I was still barely getting dressed. Heck, the boys probably spent most days in their pajamas too. I had no help after my mom went home when they were three weeks old and I cried almost every day for the first three months. Neighbours would bring by frozen stuff and there were no dishes because we ate off disposable or right out of the container. DH had to learn really quickly how to do laundry, otherwise he had no underware after a while, and he had to go grocery shopping if he wanted to eat. We lived in a two bedroom apartment on the second floor at the time and unless I had a baby wellness appointment, I couldn't really leave the house. So I think that what you are doing is remarkable, and as a PP said, don't do what you do every day for one day, or get "sick" and make him do it and he might well change his tune. Or you could just tell him that you don't appreciate those kinds of comments and you could probably do more if you had more help around the house. Either way, he doesn't get it, and if he doesn't get it soon I'm sure he won't be around much longer. Just my 2cents.

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#10 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i appreciate all of your input. i guess i just wanted to vent. i'm sure part of it is him feeling overwhelmed - which is understandable. i just still can't believe he has the nerve to say such terrible things to me. especially at lunch during the workday, which i prepared. everything is fine and BOOM. i think he thinks that since i'm home, i should be able to do more. but it's obviously impossible, as you all know. when they nap i'm working, or showering, or making lunch, or folding laundry. my break is taking the boys for a walk at the end of the day around the neighborhood. even then i'm making calls. i feel guilty when i take the boys to do something fun during the day which is bs.

i don't even know why i'm writing this here. thanks for being my sounding board
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#11 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 11:46 AM
 
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Marriage counseling, in all that free time he claims you have!

Seriously though, the divorce rate with multiples is high. It's STRESSFUL. DH would never incinuate that I've got it easy or could be doing more (I'd put my foot up his....it wouldn't be pretty) but we still had a rough go of it for awhile. I was in charge of six children 6 and under, did all the housework, ferried one child to school and homeschooled two others, nursed twins on demand, had a 22 month old determined to kill herself or run away or both, was potty training said 22 month old, working part time as a freelance photographer, paid all the bills, did all the shopping and budgeting, and had a husband working 70 hours a week.

And when my twins were 6 months old I landed myself in the hospital.

So.
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#12 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 12:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by dividedsky View Post
out of curiosity...

i stay home with my 5 month-old boys, i have no help whatsoever. i also do all of the cooking + laundry + keep the house as clean as i can. i have a business that i work on as much as possible. my husband thinks that i should be working on it more - that i'm not doing enough. i am up with the boys all n night, "wake up" around 7-8, put them down around 9pm, and clean until 11, then stay up until 1am-ish to have some time to sprnd w/hubby. i am fine with it, except for when he has the balls to tell me i'm not doing enough.

so, what do you do? do you get any appreciation? etc... i am beyond pissed right now, wondering if i am perhaps really not doing enough??
Hmmm ..... my boys are 14m. We split the cooking, I have a housekeeper twice a month, I do all the laundry, and I work 2 days/week outside the home.

I think your husband has lost his mind ..... with all due respect.

How 'bout you leave him for a day, and see how much he gets done.

Snark alert, much??

Catholic homeschooling mom of 5 - a teenager, a kindergartener, twin boys and a tiny princess. Follow the Adventures! 

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#13 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 02:02 PM
 
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mamaeliz - you're fab!

divided sky - can you just say 'ouch' when he makes those comments and let him see how hurt you are??

my dh is currently being fab, but similar in severity to Intertwined, it took 6 children and 10 months separation
i am also practicing being hurt rather than mad when anything goes on to upset me - it seems to be more productive and he actually sees what is happening for me rather than having to get defensive.

anyway

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#14 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 02:18 PM
 
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First of all, you are doing WAY MORE than I ever could have with 5 month old twins. I was in survival, sleep deprivation mode. I did the laundry, kept the house livable, did all the food shopping and cooking, went for a long walk every day with the babies, and napped when I could.

Like Shuk'r said, your reaction to your DH might help him to control his outbursts. If I react in anger or frustration to my DH, then the cycle of ugly emotions continues. If I take the time to control myself and then react honestly with my hurt or sadness or x vulnerable emotion, then DH sees how his actions (or lack thereof!) impact me. We are all in a better place when we can act out of love & gentleness and not anger.

I also think it's worth a good heart-to-heart with your DH regarding how you are feeling and how your couple relationship is going; twins are HARD on a marriage, and check-ins are a good thing!

And lastly, you say that you are okay doing everything that you are doing... but are you?! I only ask b/c honestly I don't know a woman who wouldn't be stressed with such a list of responsibilities and so little sleep. Be gentle on yourself, mama. Don't feel guilty for doing enjoyable things like taking your babes for a stroll!!! They are only little once.


Mama to twin girls Adele and Nadia, born 5/2008
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#15 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 02:45 PM
 
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i get what some of the PPs are saying and agree in theory. but i remember how hard it was to actually invest in my marriage during that first year. it was all i could do to survive. so for me, it was easier said than done to try not to get mad when my DH said stupid stuff like that.

if i was in your shoes, i would especially have a hard time with his comments given the fact that he's getting your personal attention from 11p to 1a every night. the first thing out of my mouth would probably have been something about giving up that window time with him to work on the business if that's what he'd prefer. (i know-- not constructive.) my DH would have killed for that sort of attention from me at 5mo postpartum with our twins.

i often think that many men don't "get it" for a long time. they haven't had this insane internal experience that changes every aspect of their beings from the cellular to the spiritual level and everything in between. that being said-- i think he needs to hear that what he said upset you. if you can manage it in a way that is more constructive, then I think that would be fabulous. but don't hold it in. if you need to be mad, be mad. or if it all just stacks up inside, you will end up *seriously* freaking out at him at some point and that wont be pretty.

(says the women who *seriously* freaked out at her husband at about 9mo pp with twins b/c she hadn't told him how she was feeling.)

Crunchy Mama to the Triad of Chaos-- DD1 (9/03) & the Twinadoes- DS and DD2 (6/06)
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#16 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 04:41 PM
 
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Here is what I do: Granted right now I don't actually have my twins...their still in-utero.

I do wake up whenever I wake up but then the day has to begin.

Laundry...we do about 4 loads a day minimum (we still have some bed wetters so if we have to do sheets, it takes more loads)

1800 square feet of floor is swept almost every day. The largest portion is swept every day but the bedrooms are only swept about 1x a week. We don't have carpet anywhere. They are not mopped as often as I would like, I have to admit.

Milk 3 cows, slop 10 pigs, feed about 100 chickens and a dozen turkeys, feed 2 dogs. And then water everyone. This happens 2X a day. Several times a year we will process 120+ chickens in a single day.

Water plants in the greenhouse. Right now we have a garden as well so weeds need to be pulled almost daily. Those plants need water too. Things need to be harvested and then of course either canned or frozen. And today we picked 6 gallons of blueberries at a local farm that I have to wash and freeze. Next week I will can about 125lbs of peaches and then tomatoes should be in season, then beans, beets, etc...During growing season, I am canning or freezing something just about every day.

I cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. We almost never eat sandwiches and very rarely cold cereal or bagels.

Every 2 days I have to skim about 12 gallons of milk and make butter, yogurt, cottage cheese, etc...

I have milk customers who come out to purchase milk 3 different days of the week so I am busy with them some mornings/early afternoons as well.

In between all this I am home schooling 3 of the children, changing diapers, up until 6 weeks ago nursing the youngest, fixing boo-boos, checking my emails, answering phone calls, breaking up arguments, etc...

Once a week we venture to town to get any groceries we need and feed for the animals.


So, we are not your typical family. We try to live off our land and it takes a lot more work. I understand your aggravation though.

When DH and I were first married, he made the comment about me getting up earlier to get more done (and we were living in an apartment in town at the time). At the time I was up about every 45 minutes during the night with our second child. I did not take it well, to say the least. Try to understand that he really doesn't understand what you are going through right now. Try to explain it to him that you need a little compassion and understanding right now and maybe a little help with some of the household responsibilities. Sometimes it takes the awhile to get it.

Rachel
Mommy to DS13, DS12, DS7, DD5, DD3, and twin GIRLS : born at home in the water on 12/18/09
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#17 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 09:44 PM
 
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You are doing tons! Big hugs.

Honestly, I barely remember my twins' first year, or what I was doing, or how I did it, or who helped. I was a single mom of twins -- but I had a lot of help from neighbors and friends.

If he says that again, I'd ask him what specifically he'd like you to do. If he can't come up with anything, then he's just grumbling over nothing and acting like an asshat. If he says more laundry, you can either try to do more laundry or sweetly offer to do more laundry in exchange for him doing more cooking or something.

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#18 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 10:00 PM
 
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My kids are 5, 2.9 and 2.9. I take care of them 12 hours a day and I have 1 day of help per week. I make them meals and keep the house tidy. Once a month I give it a good clean. I try to do other small things here and there.

And that's IT.

There is no way on God's green earth that I would/could stay up until 11pm cleaning. And I love my DH but I can say with certainty that I do not love him enough to stay up until 1am for him.

Mostly I take my kids out. To the park, library, to meet friends, to museums, kid gyms, the beach, etc. My "job" right now is to be there for them, to show them the world and to have fun with them. I feel so lucky to do this and I feel that they are getting such a gift. They are *so* happy when we are out and about learning.

My house, my kitchen (nice meals), my DH, and a paying job CAN WAIT 3 years until they are all in school all day.

That's all I have to say about that. Please get some extra sleep tonight and tell your DH we said so...
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#19 of 26 Old 07-07-2009, 11:26 PM
 
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Mostly I take my kids out. To the park, library, to meet friends, to museums, kid gyms, the beach, etc. My "job" right now is to be there for them, to show them the world and to have fun with them. I feel so lucky to do this and I feel that they are getting such a gift. They are *so* happy when we are out and about learning.

My house, my kitchen (nice meals), my DH, and a paying job CAN WAIT 3 years until they are all in school all day.

That's all I have to say about that. Please get some extra sleep tonight and tell your DH we said so...
Great points!

Mama to twin girls Adele and Nadia, born 5/2008
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#20 of 26 Old 07-08-2009, 07:54 AM
 
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Please get some extra sleep tonight and tell your DH we said so...
i love this mama

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#21 of 26 Old 07-08-2009, 07:06 PM
 
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Wow mama, you are doing a LOT! At 5 months I just took care of the babies and I think I cleaned up after dinner and did laundry. DH cooked dinner and we hired someone to clean once a week. I didn't go back to work until they were 14 months old. You are doing a LOT, I can't believe your DH is giving you flack!

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#22 of 26 Old 07-09-2009, 03:32 AM
 
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I was thinking more about this thread and I had two more thoughts.

One -- Is your husband adjusting to being the primary income earner? I know that was a difficult psychological adjustment for my husband -- to have it all fall on his shoulders. I also think in retrospect that my DH didn't really bond with our babies until they could *do* something. So he may be struggling with his role as primary income earner & not quite bonded with his babies yet.

Two -- I thought 5 months was a hard age. I was ready for them to be able to do something -- sit up and chew on a toy, something like that. They took up a lot of time, more so than they did a month or two later when they could sit up and I could chat with them while they played and I folded laundry. Also, the time with them is precious. You're not going to get it back & your job is them, if that makes sense. Not that you have to ignore everything else and stare at them all day, but before you know it, they'll be big and their baby selves will be a memory and it's gone. I know I'm rambling, but face time with them, playing, reading, singing is so important.

Anyway, I hope he can understand where you're coming from. I told my DH all you were doing and he was impressed!

SAHM to F & P, : fraternal twins born 3/05, : I, born 12/07 & at 5 weeks in July 2009
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#23 of 26 Old 07-09-2009, 03:55 PM
 
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i have 4 month old twins, a 4 year old, and a 2 year old. while my husband is at work i do all baby and child care (obviously) and try to fix dinner or at the very least make plans for dinner. i often do laundry as well, and supervise the kids cleaning while i hold/nurse babies. most of my day is taken up by nursing/diaper changes/getting babies to sleep/fixing meals/snacks for the big kids/activities for the big kids etc. for housework i usually take a car full of kids (sometimes 2, sometimes all 4) away from the house so hubby can do some cleaning. for the most part we just try to keep the house healthy and safe - not clean most of the time.

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#24 of 26 Old 07-10-2009, 12:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for all of your input! it's so interesting to see what everyone is juggling.

i've pretty much come to the conclusion that he is just totally stressed out from work or whatever, and has no one else to take it out on but me. which i have no interest in. so i'm just going to have to be a little more tough and do more of my own thing, which is fine. i know i'm doing the right thing, working hard and keeping the kinder happy which is all that really matters. i'm happy, i think i'm doing great, and if he doesn't agree then whatever.

with those 2 hrs i stay up at night i'm going to start focusing on myself more.

sucks for him
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#25 of 26 Old 07-11-2009, 12:30 AM
 
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i know i'm doing the right thing, working hard and keeping the kinder happy which is all that really matters. i'm happy, i think i'm doing great, and if he doesn't agree then whatever.

Glad you've found some peace. I know you weren't intending to speak to me w/ that statement, but I needed to hear that advice.

 Single mama to two wild and sweet toddlers 2/08
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#26 of 26 Old 07-11-2009, 02:23 AM
 
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Yeah, I've also been meaning to add that 5 months is a tough age. Just sit up, already!!!!
And as DH lost his job shortly after the twins were born, I can appreciate the stress of being the breadwinner.........
hugs again, mama. You rock!
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