how often do you get this nosey question - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 12:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am currently undergoing fertility treatment, which of course increases my chances of getting multiples. We don't discuss our fertility issues irl, which has made me ponder how I would deal with nosey questions (if I get pg, and it's twins, for example). So how often do people ask you if you were having fertility treatment or taking fertility drugs when you got pregnant with your twins or triplets? And if they do ask, what do you say?

mama to two DD's, 7 and 3 (3 rounds of IVF and more FET's than I can remember)
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#2 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 01:05 AM
 
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I haven't been asked about fertility treatments out right but everyone asks if twins run in my family. Sneaky way to ask I guess. Perhaps people are just interested to know if they do or not.

Good luck on your cycle

Dena
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#3 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 03:10 AM
 
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I also got the "do twins run in your family" more than straight out fertility questions. I do remember people being more comfortable asking fertility type questions when I was pregnant! If I'm rushed for time, say in the grocery store line after having completed a weeks worth of shopping with two little ones who are just DONE, I say that twins do run in my family (which they do, but in a very distant way). If I've got a little time, I admit that I went throught IVF to become pregnant, and give as much info as they're interested in hearing. I feel there's a bit of a stigma attached to IVF and I feel so very fortunate to have become pregnant (with twins at that!), that I'm trying to do my part to help others be more comfortable with the idea. Also, I imagine that the person asking questions, either knows someone who is having difficulty becoming pregnant or they are struggling themselves, so I think of myself and especially my twins, as a glimmer of hope.

I've found as my twins are getting older, they're 2 now, the less people ask those types of questions. HTH

Nikki, mama to DD and DS1 twins.gif (6/07) and DS2 babyboy.gif (10/10) 
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#4 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 10:34 AM
 
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I get the "Do twins run in your family?" A LOT! I always answer "Just lucky I guess". And NORMALLY that is enough for people. However, I have had a couple push and say "Did you do fertility treatments?" And I say the same thing "Just lucky I guess" and try to move on. We did do fertility treatments, however I just don't think it is any of the stranger's business!

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#5 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 10:39 AM
 
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Our twins are a result of IUI/Clomid. We're fairly open about the whole thing if we think that someone is truly seeking that information, but general chatter, we leave it out.

I get the "run in the family" questions, too. My great grandmother did indeed have a set of twins (they died before their first birthday, and were both boys, so could have been frat or identical, really.) Usually then the asker launches into how her father's cousin's mother in law had "maternal" twins and she was "soo glad" she didn't get those genes. I generally nod and smile without getting into debunking the absolutely VAST amounts of misinformation out there - though I am considering including a sheet of fun twin facts as a placemat at the shower!

Mama to twin boys, Oct-'09 and baby girl, Apri-'12!

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#6 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 11:03 AM
 
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We didn't conceive our twins with any fertility help and were asked constantly. All throughout my pregnancy and when my twins were little. It has mostly stopped with the older they get but before the age of 2, everytime we were out, we would get at least 2 questions in each store!

Prepare yourself for the "are they natural" or the "do they run in the family" questions. Twins do run in our family, I have fraternal uncles on my maternal side and my dh has 4 sets of ID twins on both this paternal and maternal side (I know they say the father has nothing to do with twinning but there are studies that are linking fathers to ID twinning and in our case, it seems likely).

single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
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#7 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 11:27 AM
 
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When I was pregnant with the twins I got the "did you do fertility treatments" a lot. I found it a very strange question, and depending on the audience I'd either give an honest response or a cheeky one. (my favorite was "no, just lots of practice.")
Now that the boys are older, the question tends to be if twins run in my family, to which I respond "now they do!" There's also the obligatory "your hands are full", to which I respond "every day."

Good luck on your cycle.

Twin boys (2/05) and little sister (10/07)
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#8 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 11:49 AM
 
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If I am not in the mood or if someone seems unpleasantly pushy when asked if twins run in my family I'll say "Yes." One woman didn't take the hint and then asked "So, you didn't do fertility treatments." to which I said, "We were just double blessed."

Mostly sane mother to twins.
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#9 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 12:17 PM
 
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See, I just don't agree AT ALL that the "do they run in your family" is always about fertility treatments. I just think people are curious whether or not twins were on your radar before having your own. When people ask me if they run in the family, I *love* that question, because I loved getting wide eyed and saying "Now they do, I guess!" For me, finding out it was twins was such a HUGE shocker, and a very funny day in retrospect (being in a daze all day, forgetting my way home from the ultrasound office, my kids' reactions, etc)-- so when people ask about twins in the family, I've always just assumed they were looking for the initial reaction, maybe wondering how they'd react if they found out out of nowhere.

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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#10 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 12:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by christyc View Post
See, I just don't agree AT ALL that the "do they run in your family" is always about fertility treatments. I just think people are curious whether or not twins were on your radar before having your own. When people ask me if they run in the family, I *love* that question, because I loved getting wide eyed and saying "Now they do, I guess!" For me, finding out it was twins was such a HUGE shocker, and a very funny day in retrospect (being in a daze all day, forgetting my way home from the ultrasound office, my kids' reactions, etc)-- so when people ask about twins in the family, I've always just assumed they were looking for the initial reaction, maybe wondering how they'd react if they found out out of nowhere.
This is similar to my thoughts too. Many times people ask the "do twins run in your family?" question when I'm out with all 4 kids. I think they want to know why I would possibly attempt to have a third child if they did run in our family . For the record, no twins in our family so I usually just say something along the lines of "nope....just lucky". No one has ever asked me directly about fertility treatments.

Karen - spouse to dh for 11 years, mama to ds (Nov '02), dd (May '05) and ds and dd (Jun '08)

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#11 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 12:57 PM
 
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Nice approach, Mandie!

Mom to : Belle and Izzy
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#12 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 01:54 PM
 
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I am pregnant with spontaneous twins boy and girl, and I get the fertility treatment question all the time even from the doctors when I first found out I was pregnant which was kinda scary did they bother to read my file.
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#13 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 02:12 PM
 
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I get asked about fertility treatments and if it runs in the family a lot.

Jayme-
Boy13, Boy12, Boy10, Girl7, Girl5, Twin Boys 6/14/09
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#14 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 02:28 PM
 
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I don't get asked all that often. What happens to me is that everybody assumes that I had fertility treatments. I think with twins, people are more likely to ask because they assume that higher order multiples only occur with fertility treatments.

Kate
mother of Patrick (7/31/03), and Michael, William, and Jocelyn (4/27/07)
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#15 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 03:05 PM
 
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Ive been asked a few times by strangers about treatment and those who know us obviously dont ask because they already know we are a lesbian couple but I hate when people ask if our twins are natural....well if by natural you mean egg and sperm meet then yes. I like to explain that even with fertility treatments that I am not garenteed twins or even to get pregnant for that matter. So my body did NATURALLY accepted the right sequences for me to get pregnant. My aunt has twins so it does run in my family as well. Does the fertility medicine give me better chances of twins? Yes. Could I have gotten pregnant without the use medicine? Yes. Could I have gotten pregnant with twins without the use of medicine.Yes. It doesnt really matter to me because I am super happy I am having twins!!

: DD 8/29/08 and twin boys 11/3/09
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#16 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 03:07 PM
 
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I am pregnant now with twins. I have seen alot of care providers in looking for ones I feel comfortable with. The first question most of the medical folk ask is if they are spontaneous. Initially, I wasn't sure what that meant. I would look at them funny and they would look at me funny. Yes, they are spontaneous. I was not having fertility treatments.

Outside of the medical folks, so many people ask if twins run in the family. No. I have always felt like this question is asked simply because it is the question to ask about multiples and I have never got the impression that they are curious about fertility treatments.

The one that makes me laugh is this one: "Are they natural?" I have been asked this a couple of times. Yes, it involved having sex which is pretty natural. There are no artificial colors or flavors, so they are 100% all natural. I can't quite imagine the case of unnatural multiples, IVF or no!
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#17 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 03:20 PM
 
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When they were littler, the number one question we got was "are they natural?" I think people don't even realize how rude that question is, on so many levels!! We did get several "did you plan twins?" (like you can just put an order in) and one was "are they just gifts from God or....?" Which blew me away. Or what, exactly?

Now that they're bigger (10 mos) we usually get the "do twins run in your family" question, which I prefer because neither answer has anything to do with their conception.

Some people still do ask about fertility treatments, but lately we've heard more of "were they a surprise?" I always say yes, because even though we knew the chances were increased, we were still shocked that it happened! When I say yes, the response usually is "Oh, because most twins nowadays aren't surprises, with all the people using fertility drugs."

I just never know what to say about these comments. It's really none of these strangers' business how our children were conceived, but I don't like hearing the negative comments about fertility treatment after what we went through. Getting comments about having twins is a constant reminder of the infertility, when parents of singletons get to kind of move on from that, under the radar.
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#18 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 03:25 PM
 
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I get asked SO often if twins run in my family (usually they look at both babies, ask if they're twins, then ask if twins run in my family) that I have to assume that a percentage of the questions have that "ulterior motive" aspect and a percentage are just knee-jerk curiosity kind of default questions. I think some people must have that question as a way of sussing out something (such as the people who say, "So you didn't have fertility treatments, then?" if you confirm that twins run in your family), but I don't think it's true of all or even most.

But "most" (greater than 50%?) doesn't mean much. It is such a common question (for me, at least) that fifty percent either way would be a significant number....twenty percent would seem significant, too. Even if only five or ten percent of people who ask me that question are "asking" something else besides just if we have a family history of twins, it still would be quite a few people.

But I agree that it is one of "the" questions to ask when you see multiples. And I do think people tend to make default assumptions partially based on their experience....including what gender they assume or expect, when asking about my twins. If they know someone in X situation, or if they've read some articles about particular incidence of something (rise in twinning due to fertility treatments), that scenario pops into their brain when they see multiples.

Moms of twins are especially likely to talk to me when they see me with my babies, and they are quick to tell me that they have/had twins, too. Then they tell me about their twins (who now are 9, 16, or 25, or 36), and I've noticed they often will ask "Boy and a girl?" if they had b/g twins themselves, etc. Then again, my guys have been wearing their amber teething necklaces more now that they have stopped grabbing each other's, so maybe the sight of the necklace makes people assume girl....

I don't know what the "searching" or "fishing" people think of my response to their "run in your family?" questions, because I generally react with a little surprise and sort of reflect and say, "Yeah, I guess so, we actually do have twins on both sides. I had some on both my mother's and father's side, and J's sister had twins," but I say it as if it's all anecdotal and somehow unrelated. Occasionally I elaborate and say "But it's supposed to be fraternal twins that have a clear genetic connection, or an inherited tendency to have double ovulations. The reasons for identical twinning aren't clear" (I used to do this more in the beginning, until I realized HOW OFTEN this question would be asked and just started saying, "Yeah....I guess so" in a "how does this relate to anything" kind of way. And I am realizing that that slightly awkward-seeming reaction probably makes the people who are "fishing" with that question assume that we used assisted reproduction.

But it always feels like a question from out of left field, like I can answer it but exactly how does it relate and what am I implying? And I always stumble a bit, as if I've been asked "Do you walk to work or carry your lunch?"
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#19 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 05:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for your stories!!

mama to two DD's, 7 and 3 (3 rounds of IVF and more FET's than I can remember)
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#20 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 05:48 PM
 
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I'm usually asked if they run in my family. I have discovered that many people assumed we used fertility treatments (we didn't) but were polite enough not to ask, which is pretty reassuring!

Betsy, mama to beautiful, strong MZ twins Lillian and Kate, born 11 weeks early on January 10, 2006.
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#21 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 07:43 PM
 
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I get asked all of the time...and sometimes straight out if I used fertility medication! I imagine if my triplet would have lived it would have been even worse.

People are rude and inquisitive.

wife - mother - midwife

CIRCUMCISION

The more you know, the worse it gets.

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#22 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 07:53 PM
 
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When they were infants, I got it alot, especially since there were a few years between my oldest and my littles. Now, not so much.

Full Time Student & Mommy to 3 princesses! 9/03, 2/07 & 2/07

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#23 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 08:10 PM
 
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I've been asked often if my twins are "natural" but since I've got four other kids running around I suppose most people assume we just breed like rabbits. I get asked more often if twins run in my family (they do not).
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#24 of 35 Old 08-11-2009, 10:34 PM
 
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I have had people insist that I must have twins somewhere in my family-like I don't know. Despite the fact that both sets are MZ and it's not hereditary, people love to tell me I'm wrong sometimes! And yes, they ask about fertility treatments too. I even had my aunt accuse me of lying about fertility treatments after I had the first set. (I had a 3yo and 1yo when the first set was born so fertility was not really on my mind! It's a miracle we had time to have sex at all.)

Heather, Army wife & Mama to M (10), J (9), L & S (my HBAC babies are 7!), N & R (5), and A (born 11/30/12 UBA2C)
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#25 of 35 Old 08-12-2009, 01:29 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyrunningmama View Post
I am currently undergoing fertility treatment, which of course increases my chances of getting multiples. We don't discuss our fertility issues irl, which has made me ponder how I would deal with nosey questions (if I get pg, and it's twins, for example). So how often do people ask you if you were having fertility treatment or taking fertility drugs when you got pregnant with your twins or triplets? And if they do ask, what do you say?
I got that question both when we were PG, as well as afterward. I'm a snarky brat, and I told people that DH was the only fertility treatment I needed.

Bratty, yes, but honestly ..... it's no one's business how you conceive. Next thing you know, they'll be asking me details ....

Best of luck to you!

Catholic homeschooling mom of 5 - a teenager, a kindergartener, twin boys and a tiny princess. Follow the Adventures! 

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#26 of 35 Old 08-12-2009, 01:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by purpleheather79 View Post
I have had people insist that I must have twins somewhere in my family-like I don't know. Despite the fact that both sets are MZ and it's not hereditary, people love to tell me I'm wrong sometimes! And yes, they ask about fertility treatments too. I even had my aunt accuse me of lying about fertility treatments after I had the first set. (I had a 3yo and 1yo when the first set was born so fertility was not really on my mind! It's a miracle we had time to have sex at all.)
off topic .... but I'm so glad you posted that both sets are MZ ... I've been dying to ask you, but felt it was rude

Catholic homeschooling mom of 5 - a teenager, a kindergartener, twin boys and a tiny princess. Follow the Adventures! 

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#27 of 35 Old 08-12-2009, 10:23 AM
 
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We've been asked 5 or 6 times if they were a result of fertility treatments. They're not, but I haven't been overly specific with anyone - it's none of their business!

Bean : Mama to DSs and (& :, 4 goats & 7 ) and two fraternal twin BOYS 9-19-09 (+ 1 daytime boy)
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#28 of 35 Old 08-12-2009, 12:05 PM
 
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I am asked this all the time!! Usually, it's the more polite version "do twins run in the family?". When that is asked, I can usually deflect on how it's going to be new to us all. However, several have flat out asked if we went thru fertility and ivf. Depending on the asker, I taper my answer. Since I am absolutely horrible at lying, the minimum I will say is that "yes, we needed help, which did increase my chance of multiples". It is hard because I have been judged by people, who I thought were good friends, for undergoing what we had to in order to conceive. Thank God my mom had a good friend, of the same faith, who's daughter went thru everything before I started. Otherwise, I fear the judgement that may have even come from her. Ugh.

J A with DD1 7/06, lost twins 9/08
DD2 12/09 & DS1 12/09
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#29 of 35 Old 08-12-2009, 05:44 PM
 
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Usually it's the run in your family question but I get the "were you taking anything alot" too. Funny thing is it's usually from other twin moms and it seems know one knows how random MZ twins are!

Lucia , Poly )O( Lactation Counseling mama lady.gifvbac.gifto 5 yo Goobersuperhero.gif and 3 1/2 yo MZ twins twins.gif Peanut and Sweetpea and 1yo Pumpkinbabyf.gif mmm placenta.gif
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#30 of 35 Old 08-12-2009, 10:42 PM
 
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It's funny, I have never been asked if it was fertility treatments but I am very often asked if they run in the family.... I never thought of it as a sneaky way of asking, and I am not sure if most people ask it in a sneaky way, but now you have me thinking!

Mama to lovely twin girls 1/08
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