After two miscarriages, my husband and I returned to try again for the baby we so desperately want. My doctor recommended a medicated IUI, with very strict monitoring of the follicles. Based on my husband's diagnosis of very low sperm morphology, it was anticipated that IUI wouldn't even be particularly effective but we figured we'd try it before moving to IVF.
Found out at 3.5 weeks that I was pregnant!! : Beta's were doubling nicely, got u/s at 5.5 weeks, saw two sacs!! TWINS!!!! ::
Last week, after some bright red bleeding, went in for another ultrasound assuming that I was, once again, miscarrying. Lo and behold, THREE heartbeats...!!!!! TRIPLETS!!! A bit overwhelming, but after my husband and I dealt with the idea, we figured that if all three babies were healthy enough to survive the pregnancy, then we could make it work. (Note: there was a question about the health of the smallest fetus).
So go back for very high resolution u/s today, at 7 weeks 5 days.
Four distinct babies. Four heartbeats. Quadruplets.
How is this happening??
Why can't I have a "normal" outcome??? Why am I facing a terribly high risk, dangerous, paralyzingly frightening pregnancy with FOUR BABIES after losing two "healthy" singletons with heartbeats (previous pregnancies)??
And then, of course, there's the part of me that hates myself for ever feeling even a shred of dread (because, honestly, I do...quadruplets?? ) because isn't this what I prayed for, hoped for, would do anything for???
No. This is not. I prayed for, hoped for, and would do anything for a healthy baby. Two babies is a MIRACLE BLESSING. : Even three babies, as terrifying a prospect as that is, financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, and health-wise for me and babies...EVEN TRIPLETS I could do. Even as everyone in the medical field told me how high risk triplets can be, I prayed for my little guy to develop with his brothers/sisters...I love my babies.
And now I'm being punished for wanting what I guess I'm not supposed to have..."be careful what you wish for."
Well, I didn't wish for this. No one wishes for this. Right?
How awful am I that I'm equally sad and scared as grateful?? I'm also SO SO SO grateful that my babies are doing well and are alive and beating, but I'm just so confused...I'm so so so confused. I feel like I don't have the "right" to feel sad/confused/angry because I "caused" this...but did I really cause it??? Does anyone doing fertility treatments consider a life without children based on the ridiculously small risk of high order multiples??
Ultrasound today showed that two of the babies are really really healthy, ahead of schedule, growing like weeds. Two of the babies are there, not sure how they're doing...hearts beating but HR's are a "bit" low and they're a "bit" smaller. The high risk maternal fetal medicine doc gave it a 50-50 chance that the pregnancy will remain a "quad" pregnancy, with the other alternatives that one or both babies get naturally absorbed. Then, of course, I got the hour long discussion of all of the health risks, consequences, and such.
PLEASE, SUPPORTIVE RESPONSES ONLY. I'M BEATING MYSELF UP ENOUGH ALREADY. (And then again, I keep returning to "how is this my fault? i didn't ask for this....") People have fertility treatments for infertility all the time. This is so rare...many of you probably know how rare because likely many of you've also been through infertility treatments. And now...once again...I've defeated the odds. I should play the lottery.
Sorry I'm complaining about what I should be only 100% grateful for...it's hard to explain how terrifying this is to go through. I just need some support.
wife to my , mom to, , , and ! a person is a person, no matter how small.
I too saw your post on the new posts. Shock, dismay and grief have got to be normal reactions in this case! Don't be afraid of your emotions.
It's likely not going to be a breeze getting through your pregnancy, there will be scary days but if you take it one day at a time and if all 4 of your babies are strong enough to make it, what a total blast it will be. My girls are autistic so I kinda have more work than the average twin mama but I can't express in words what a joy it is to be the proud mama of multiples!!
Blessings for a healthy pregnancy to you!!
It makes me sad to hear someone say they feel like they are being punished for wanting to have a baby. Granted, I am not religious, but how can anyone believe that God would punish a human being for following a biological and societal imperative, and for using any means they had at their disposal to do so? You did nothing wrong! You are not being punished! You simply caught the crazy end of the odds scale, and now you have to figure out how to move ahead.
I know these are going to be stressful days ahead, but I hope you can at least stop beating yourself up. Focus on taking care of yourself as best you can, to give your babies the best chance possible. We'll be here for you.
The good news is that there is NOTHING you have to do today. There is also nothing you have to do tomorrow. All you have to do is sit with this earthshattering news and wait for your world to start spinning on its axis again. Slowly you will start getting used to your new reality and your life will start making sense. Just breathe and focus on this moment. You are fine in this moment.
Please be patient with yourself, mama. I am so sorry for the loss of your very innocent, realistic dreams of a single, easy, healthy baby.... and so happy for the good news of the beating hearts inside you right now.
I wish you peace. :
Sleepy mama to Colin Theodore 8-12-08 and Trevor Arthur 7-17-12.
Saw your post in the pregnancy after loss forum as well. Please know that there's TOTALLY a place for you here on MDC. I don't think you'll face criticism or anything. Learning you are carrying four babes is HUGE, and I can only imagine the fear that it would engender.
We are currently starting IVF after four pregnancy losses. I, too, worry about multiples and totally understand the thought that you've brought it on yourself (I'm paraphrasing). At times I think that the losses mean we're only supposed to have our 1 DS and that if anything challenging comes of this next pregnancy it's because we couldn't just be content with 1. I think this is somewhat similar to what you're describing. But really, you have a heart yearning to be a mom -- there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and you certainly have not brought any of this on yourself.
Let yourself feel. Talk through the highs and lows. Allow yourself to imagine all the scary AND amazing scenarios. I think the most you can do now is take care of yourself and ride the roller coaster. I can tell you it's a lot like parenting.
Thinking of you....
What you are feeling is normal, completely normal. You just found out, you are in shock and scared out of your mind (I can't imagine!) You can do this. People have done this long before you and many will be doing it long after you. Take all the help that is offered, start looking into local charities/gov't assistance type programs. Contact pampers directly,sometimes they will give high order multiples diapers, etc. Look into every avenue of help you can find. Emotionally, you are going to have to find peace with this. Give yourself time, wait until they start moving, you will absolutely fall head over heels in love with all of them before they are even born and even though it will be hard, you will look back when they are grown and think "that was hard, but worth every minute".
Keep telling yourself: You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.
Also, if you just google the word "quadruplets", you will come across several blogs kept by parents of them - I can't imagine a better place to go for help and support!
Hang in there!
I'd be completely TERRIFIED in your shoes. Absolutely terrified. FOUR babies!?!? Holy cow Mama! I'm so excited and scared for you all at the same time. I was just musing yesterday if I'd attempt to nurse quads. You must be freaking out on so many many levels.
Lots of love and peace. Take it one small step at a time. First you have to get all four babies to 30 weeks and then progress from there. You'll have the support of this board every step is my guess.
No advise but you CAN do it!!! Yes you can!! You were already thinking it was triplets, right? Whats one more?!
Youre not being punished, your being rewarded! You deserve the love all these kids will give you!
GOOD LUCK and Congratulations!!!!!!!::
I am not a mother of multiples, but I just wanted you not to beat yourself up. Hopefully, you will have a beautiful family full of love. It is hard to see that right now, but it will be easier to see as time goes along.
Find yourself a local mothers of multiples group. They will be able to help.
Also, you will get lots of support here:
i miscarried my fifth and was devastated. everyone queried my sanity that i was happy to have more children. i got told i couldn't cope with the four i had etc etc etc
and then two weeks later i conceived twins.
it's hard to have any multiples, but i see my twins as a sign from God that i CAN handle it : you can absolutely handle whatever happens with these babies. YOU CAN. and take the time to grieve the uncomplicated pregnancy, the home birth, the exclusive b'feeding experience (ok. other readers. before you jump. it's physiologically hard work getting a milk supply established for a first time mom who has preemies. go and research it before flaming this point and Claire, of course you can breastfeed, but four is different than one ) etc.....it will take you months to work through everything you have to consider, but just take one day at a time and let it flow over you.
this is a manifestation of abundance in your lives. honestly.
spread a lot of love
Me. With 1 spouse, 4 kids, 16 chickens, 74 matchbox cars, 968,562+ legos, a dishwasher waiting to be emptied, a washing machine waiting to be filled and a lost cup of tea in the house.
What a roller coaster. I remember the shock I felt when I first saw three babies on the ultrasound at my 11-week, check the twins are still twins appointment. And the phone conversation with my husband immediately following. I can only imagine that it is more intense finding another baby after seeing triplets.
Everything you are feeling is totally normal. Try to acknowledge what an unusual situation this is and let the feelings just be feelings. There is no shame in feeling overwhelmed by this - it is huge. There is no right way to handle this. There is just the way that works for you.
I second the recommendations to check out the APmultiples yahoo group and MOST (mothers of super twins). For me, it has been a mental lifesaver to know a few other families with triplets even if only virtually.
I have found that twin mommas can be an awesome form of support. They understand what makes multiples different than singletons and are less busy with life than those of us with higher order multiples. And, they tend to think that we are superwomen to deal with higher order multiples, so they are good for an ego boost on those days when life feels like hard work. If there is a twins club near you, talk to them about stuff that you need and good sources of help. They may know people with things to donate or time to volunteer.
mother of Patrick (7/31/03), and Michael, William, and Jocelyn (4/27/07)
I am a mom of twins. I was single when I had them, so it was very surprising and shocking (and a whole huge range of emotions!) I met my husband when they were a few months old.
Also, I have a friend who did fertility in a desperate attempt to finally have a child and then ended up having quads -- as a single mom! She was on Oprah several years ago. Her website is www.bethsbabies.com -- although they're not really babies anymore! Perhaps you could contact her, she may have some words of wisdom.
I send you huge hugs.
I would NOT suggest joining a moms of multiples group unless you happen to live in a very AP-neighborhood. Otherwise you're just going to be hearing about how you have to ferberize, formula-feed, etc.
mom of (8) (5) (3) and born at home on Christmas day!
You will get through it, whatever happens. Best wishes to you!
mother of Patrick (7/31/03), and Michael, William, and Jocelyn (4/27/07)