if you had the choice- single or multiples? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: if you could chose, single or multiples?
Thanks, one is enough, give me a single 24 51.06%
I'd like two at a time, but not more. 21 44.68%
3 or more is fine by me. 2 4.26%
Voters: 47. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 27 Old 01-03-2010, 11:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If you could have chosen, would you have wanted 1 or more?
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#2 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 12:29 AM
 
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My twins are from IVF and I was over-the-moon thrilled that there were 2. It was exactly what I wanted. We'd been trying for 2 years and went through over a year of fertility treatments and tests and had a previous failed IVF. I thought the pregnancy I'd achieved would be my only pregnancy ever and I wanted more than one child. I was very happy.

When they were babies, I wished they'd been born one at a time because I could not AP to the extent I wanted to with 2. When I was pregnant with my singleton, which was a surprise pregnancy, I was happy there was only one.

Now that they're 4-1/2, I am so happy that they're twins. If I get pregnant again and there are 2 babies, I'd be okay with it. I'd probably prefer a singleton for myself just because it's easier to get around, nurse, baby-wear, co-sleep, etc with one versus two, but for the children, it seems to me that having a twin is great. What they get less of from mama, they more than get from each other.

Edited to add -- I think 3 or more is a whole different ball game than twins. You can nurse two at the same time, baby wear with two, and hold two in arms at the same time. Triplets seem exponentially more difficult than twins. I can't even wrap my mind around how one could take care of triplets by oneself actually.

SAHM to F & P, : fraternal twins born 3/05, : I, born 12/07 & at 5 weeks in July 2009
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#3 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 12:45 AM
 
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I didn't worry about getting pregnant - I worried about surviving their infancy! More than 1@a time might have sent me over, but I have SO much respect for the mamas who parent multiples. I don't know if I could do it...

Mama to B and O , wife to J and me to me! :
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#4 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 09:59 AM
 
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Triplets seem exponentially more difficult than twins. I can't even wrap my mind around how one could take care of triplets by oneself actually.
absolutely trip+ moms rock, hats off to them, awesome, awesome wonder women, no doubt.

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#5 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 01:47 PM
 
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What a strange question to ask. I'm puzzled. Who gets to "choose" their children?

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#6 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 02:08 PM
 
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I have had singletons, and had twins, and I would never, ever, ever, ever, in a million zillion years choose to have multiples again. No way. It's partly because of the demands of early infancy, and partly because of the physical demands of pregnancy. (Honestly, now that my twins are older, I find that them being twins makes it easier-- they have each other for company and attention, and that makes my life easier. But I still wouldn't do it again.)

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#7 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 04:46 PM
 
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the first 6 months w/twins was mind-bogglingly hard. definitely the most difficult thing i've ever done in my life. but now, at 11 months, it's getting easier. i'm loving watching them interact, and it's so cool to see two totally different kids growing up at the same time, meeting milestones so differently, etc. and after 5yrs of fertility nonsense (we didn't do ivf... just lots of rounds of injects... a surgery to correct a uterine septum... a miscarriage or two... etc etc), i am beyond thrilled to have my two delicious little beans and never have to go down that road again.

that being said, when one is napping, or when i take one of them shopping with me or something... it's so easy! it's like a joke it's so easy. baby gets upset, help baby out, job done. or, try to help baby out, doesn't work, fussy baby, fine. there is no threat for another fussy baby, nor is there the need to worry about how other baby will be happily occupied whilst dealing w/fussy baby #1 also, establishing the nursing was crazy hard....

so if i had the powah, i would have had 2 separately.
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#8 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 05:10 PM
 
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Before I got pregnant, I thought having twins would be pretty great. I did worry about how it would affect my chances at homebirth (and rightly so, since at that time it turned out that I couldn't find any midwife willing to assist twins at home), but otherwise I thought it might be a lot of fun. I took clomid to get pregnant, so I knew that there was an increased chance of multiples, and I was maybe even slightly hopeful that I would be in that 5-10%. Once I was pregnant, I was certain that I was expecting twins, and would have definitely been disappointed if I hadn't been.

After having twins? It would be hard to choose to do it again. Yes, there are parts that have been a lot of fun, and my twins are thrilled that they are twins, but the difficulties have completely outweighed the benefits for us. The stress on my body and my marriage and the fact that my main job in parenting is managing my twins' relationship is no fun.

I do want more children, though I'm not sure it will happen, and if I had to choose between having another set of twins or not having any more babies at all, I suppose I'd choose the twins. I do think it would be easier the second time around. But I was completely naive about how difficult mothering multiples would be before I did it.

And triplets? I'd have to grow a third arm and boob first.

Lex

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#9 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 06:51 PM
 
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I had a single pregnancy and a multiple pregnancy (identical boys) and a loss in between the two pregnancies.

I'm not sure why, but I am bothered by this question. I know this is not your intention and I'm sure you have a good reason for asking as you explore your pregnancy and parenting journey, but I felt the need to express myself.

It might be the fact that this time last year I was not sure my twins would make it. It might be the fact that I did suffer a loss, even though it was early it was still very difficult. It might be that I was so thankful that I was able to conceieve my first son with no difficulty while I watched so many of my friends around me struggle to do the same.

It might be one or all of these reasons, but the idea that someone gets to choose is now so foreign to me. I second the PP poster who said, who gets to choose? I've learned that choice is a funny word. Sometimes the things that we think we get to choose are not in our control at all. With parenthood and motherhood its all about keeping it in perspective.

Babywearing, breastfeeding, Mother of MoMo twins and their older brother.
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#10 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 09:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by DoomaYula View Post
What a strange question to ask. I'm puzzled. Who gets to "choose" their children?
Sometimes we ask questions even if we have no control over the answers.

But in this situation, some would reduce a higher order multiple pregnancy to twins and it's not unheard of for twins to be reduced to a singleton.

On the otherside of the coin, some women try to obtain clomid or other drugs to increase their chance of multiples, or have intercourse when the doctor advises against due to the number of ripe follicles.

FWIW, I would not choose to have twins, I think twins are great, many very special people in my life are a twin, but even before I knew how my body does pregnancy and other things about my physical health in my childbearing years, I still wouldn't have wanted twins, mostly due to the caring for them in the first couple of years aspect.

I have moments of jealousy though, a good friend has twins 3.5yrs older than my oldest, I had a bad pregnancy with him, difficult for me physically and he was IUGR, barely bigger than her biggest twin, despite them being 6 weeks early and him being 37+4, but her twins were past the really hard baby and toddler stage and were delightful preschoolers with a playmate always on hand and I'd watch them playing and think that to get that I'd have to go through another pregnancy and postnatal period that I'd be in the baby/toddler stage of my life for twice as long etc. but it was still only a temporary jealousy. Non identical spontaneous twins as a first pregnancy would have been ok, but still not something I wanted and whilst I'd never reduce a twin pregnancy to a singleton, by the time of my accidental third pregnancy, twins were a huge fear for me, especially when my uterus was larger than expected at my visits at 5 and 9 weeks, thankfully by 13 weeks it was normal!

Anne, Christian mummy to Nathanael 05/28/03, Ada 06/10/05, Grace 05/24/09
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#11 of 27 Old 01-04-2010, 11:06 PM
 
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Difficult but amazing. This seems to be the trend in my life. I wouldn't trade having twins for anything. Such a unique experience and you get to join a cool club of mamas.

Mama to lovely twin girls 1/08
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#12 of 27 Old 01-05-2010, 05:05 AM
 
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There are so many multiples in my family history that I diidn't even think about it, in fact I thought that I might not have a singleton. Then I married a twin and there are several other sets on his side as well, so we knew that it was a major possibility. When I first realized I was pregnant and we went for our first ultrasound, my first question was, so how many are there? She was surprised by my question until she took a look and we were thrilled when we learned that there were indeed two in there. It has been the hardest, most wonderful, most rewarding journey my DH and I could have ever been on. We were almost dissappointed when I got pregnant again and it was a single - we were so happy to be pregnant again, but felt that twin girls would have just ronded off our family nicely. Now that there is just one I realized how hard the first two were but still would love another multiple pregnancy/birth. I see the special bond that my boys share and now that they are toddlers and have all this language, we can actually undertand their conversations now. I could not imagine one without the other. So if I could choose, I would want twins again without hesitation.

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#13 of 27 Old 01-05-2010, 05:22 AM
 
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Honestly, at this point (my twins are 16.5 months), I am not enjoying having twins. I love them both, but really would prefer had they been born singletons. Maybe my opinion will change when they're older, but so far it's been really tough.

Denise, mama to ds1 (03/26/05) and boy/girl twins born 08/12/08
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#14 of 27 Old 01-05-2010, 12:29 PM
 
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DH and I prayed for twins. Before we got pregnant, I used to say that if I could do something to guarantee twins (without risking 3 or more), I would do it.

If I could have chosen exactly what I wanted, I would have chosen identical twin boys - and that's what I got! Of course MZ twins are a fluke, so we just got lucky (or our prayers were answered).

If the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

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#15 of 27 Old 01-05-2010, 12:31 PM
 
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Denise, the first two years are a major struggle. I remember 3 as being a real turning point for us. Hang in there! It does get better!

If the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

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#16 of 27 Old 01-05-2010, 03:39 PM
 
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Personally, I didn't have a choice. My first two pregnancies were singletons and this one happens to be twins. There really was no indication that I might even possibly have twins- none in the family, no meds, nothing. It was pure shock.

I wouldn't change a thing though. Each baby is a blessing and while I know that there will be some tough roads ahead there are tough roads whether you have one, two, or more. You can't really "plan" for a child. They each come with their own set of "guidelines" and are totally different. And, FWIW, I think everyone experiences multiples differently as well.

This pregnancy hasn't been much more difficult than my other two singleton pregnancies with the exception of being bigger. The only thing I wish I had more control over is the worry- will I go early? bedrest? and the like. My singleton pregnancies seemed more...carefree maybe?! But I'm enjoying this pregnancy.

So, I'm very glad that this is the road before me, I've had a chance to experience both types of pregnancy (and soon both types of childrearing). I feel super fortunate!!!

Valerie, wife to Kevin, mother to Elena (4), Jonathan (2), and twins, Andrew and Benjamin (2/2010)
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#17 of 27 Old 01-06-2010, 01:05 PM
 
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I like this question, I have always wanted twins, but never thought I lucky enould be lucky enough to have them. We were shocked when we found out we are expecting two.

My daughter was a dream - the easiest child in history - I wish she had been twins! My son was a challenge... I don't think we' have survived had he been more than one! We would have been thrilled if this pregnancy resulted in a singleton, but are over the moon at the thought of two.

I don't think this question bugs me because my son is going through the "would you rather..." phase so I am used to beind asked to select choices I wouldn't realistically have control over...

Cynthia - wife to Charles, Mother to Victoria (19), Vincent (7) and expecting 2 more bundles of joy in July!
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#18 of 27 Old 01-06-2010, 11:44 PM
 
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If I were back at square 1, before my pregnancies, I would never have chosen more than 1. I can appreciate the road I've taken with twins & a singleton & am glad that things happened the way they did but I can't say that I would have chosen to be pg with twins from the beginning if I had the power to magically choose what I would conceive.

I think that the question makes me feel a little uncomfortable because it seems like if I were to say I wouldn't choose multiples that it casts my experience & my twins' existence in a negative light. But if I say I would definitely choose twins that it gives the impression that having multiples is the "neat" experience people without multiples seem to talk to me about - like it just casts aside all the risks and challenges we faced.

I'm not sure I'm even making any sense. I guess it's just not something you can always put into words.
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#19 of 27 Old 01-07-2010, 02:34 AM
 
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If I could have chosen to have my boys one at a time I would have done that. I wouldn't have said that in the pregnancy. I was so excited to have twins (if worried about the pregnancy). But it was impossible for me, especially when they were babies, to take care of them the way my heart wanted to. The infancy to about six months was incredibly hard. And there were points/ages after that which were more difficult because they were twins I believe. But there were/are good things about it then too. There was nothing about twins that felt good for them (or us) when they were babies.

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#20 of 27 Old 01-07-2010, 07:14 AM
 
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I think that the question makes me feel a little uncomfortable because it seems like if I were to say I wouldn't choose multiples that it casts my experience & my twins' existence in a negative light. But if I say I would definitely choose twins that it gives the impression that having multiples is the "neat" experience people without multiples seem to talk to me about - like it just casts aside all the risks and challenges we faced.
this is the closest to how i would put it into words i think. it's an unreal experience to have multiples but when it happens to be part of your life journey you kind of can't wish it otherwise, even if you know for sure that one at a time would've been 'easier'

at another tangent; i wouldn't choose this amount of difficulty for myself (pregnancy woes, preemie issues in our case and difficulty of parenting two at the same time) but i would hate to cut off the sheer generosity of the Creator by saying 'NO, NEVER' and there are moments when we are totally blissed out as a whole family to see how twins have changed us

multiples are an abundant pain and blessing. it is the strangest thing to experience and live through. i don't think a multiple mama, (even with an early loss in pregnancy), can ever recover from the uniqueness of the situation

so BaaBaa - why do you ask!?

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#21 of 27 Old 01-07-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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I think that the question makes me feel a little uncomfortable because it seems like if I were to say I wouldn't choose multiples that it casts my experience & my twins' existence in a negative light. But if I say I would definitely choose twins that it gives the impression that having multiples is the "neat" experience people without multiples seem to talk to me about - like it just casts aside all the risks and challenges we faced.
Yeah, this is how I feel too.
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#22 of 27 Old 01-09-2010, 03:26 AM
 
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I was so thrilled when I found out I was having twins. We had been ttc for about two years, so I felt like we were "catching up" all at once. That said, the first year was probably the hardest of my life, but I still love having twins. I have to say, though, I've been glad to find out in both of my subsequent pregnancies that I was not having twins, but only because I had a very difficult twin pg with a lot of complications, so I was afraid of the risks of another one, especially with young children to take care of.

Gayle, mom to Reagan and Ryan, 09/15/03, Cade, 12/08/05 and sweet Josiah, 05/23/10-07/16/10
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#23 of 27 Old 01-09-2010, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you for all the thoughtful answers! im sorry if i made anyone upset, i didnt mean to do that.

this might sound crazy but.....here goes
i have been dreaming about twins lately, and this is something that came into my head- feeling like somehow if i conceived now it would be more than one- and wondering if thats something i could handle- i honestly dont know how you all do it! much respect.

it raises allot of very interesting questions for me-for one-
in addition to the ways you all mentioned- is genetic screening "choosing your children"

and if so how do i feel about that?
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#24 of 27 Old 01-10-2010, 01:19 AM
 
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Oh not upset at all - just not feeling really able to provide an answer!

It's the single most difficult thing I've ever done in my life & I don't think it's truly something you can understand until you've lived through it. But I cannot imagine my life without the experience & I cannot imagine my boys lives any other way.
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#25 of 27 Old 01-12-2010, 12:40 AM
 
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I would absolutely love to have another set of twins. When I was TTC I hoped for twins, it was a struggle to get pregnant so to find out I was actually expecting two at once was amazing and such a blessing. My pregnancy was easy and so far raising twins has been pretty awesome too.

SAHM to twin kindergarteners

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#26 of 27 Old 01-12-2010, 06:54 AM
 
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As I jokingly tell people, I'd take twin boys over a singleton girl any day. That isn't to say my daughter is "bad" or something, but she was much more trying/needy/etc. than my twins were at that age.

Anyway, I'd take whatever we were given (just as we have, of course). I think I would choose one over two in the future, if we had a baby again, as it's just plain easier to have one baby vs. two, IMO.
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#27 of 27 Old 01-12-2010, 10:57 AM
 
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I can't even vote... I just don't get the question

Missionary, birth-worker, midwifery student
Mama to love.gif DD (9yr), DS luxlove.gif (3yr), & 2twins.gif UC twin DDs (5yr)

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