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#1 of 64 Old 02-27-2004, 01:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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people look at your babies and say "Oh, I wish I had twins! They're so cute!" : It just bugs me sometimes. I love my boys, I really do, but sometimes having twins isn't fun, easy or cute; especially around 3 a.m. when William decides to out and out SCREAM for 2 hours and nothing settles him down.

Maybe I'm just too tired and sleep deprived. I keep offering these people the chance to "live with twins" if they want to take night duty for me for a while. So far, no one's taken me up on my offer. Wonder why! hehehe

Any....just needed to vent a little.
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#2 of 64 Old 02-27-2004, 01:34 PM
 
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That comment does bother me sometimes and sometimes it doesn't...it just kind of depends on my mood. I ADORE having twins and feel so blessed that God chose me to mother these precious girls. But there are times when I know that my girls are losing out on one-on-one time or getting slighted just because they came in a pair and that breaks my heart.

Have you read the "Stupid Questions" thread? I'll find it and bump it for you. I'm sure you've gotten quite a few of them already and if not you will be getting them soon!

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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#3 of 64 Old 02-27-2004, 01:39 PM
 
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yes it does. I think people just can NOT imagine how hard it is.

I'm Andrea - I have three boys - 12 year old twins & an 11 year old

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#4 of 64 Old 03-01-2004, 02:43 PM
 
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What do you say when people say, "I wish I had twins." or "what's it like having twins?" I just don't know what to say. To the first one I say something like, "oh" which is sort of awkward. To the second one I say something generic like, "it's sometimes hard but rewarding." I know they're probably just making small talk and they have no idea it's not original and somewhat anoying.
I am pleased when people, especially the very old people, run up and tell me that they are a twin. I still don't know what to say. Sometimes I ask for tips. But I think it's nice that they want to make a connection like that. Sometimes they are whistful because their twin died or is living far away.
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#5 of 64 Old 03-01-2004, 08:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Amandzia
What do you say when people say, "I wish I had twins." or "what's it like having twins?"
When someone tells me they wish they had twins I usually say "Yes, I always wanted twins as well." which is true. When they ask what it's like I usually say "Wonderful!" which is also true. They don't need to hear about the tough days anyway. I've had a few people tell me they are a twin or have twins. It usually turns into my more pleasant conversations..

What I *hate* is when someone says something negative like "Double trouble" or "Better you then me". I usually reply with a smarta$$ answer like "No...not double trouble! Doubly blessed!" or "Yes, it *is* better me then you!" This weekend a man and wife had their singelton baby girl in a stroller and passed us in a store. He looked at his wife and said "That could happen to you!" and she replied (in a very negative tone) "Don't you dare jynx me!" I said "They are *not* a jynx! They were a blessing!" Ticked me off!

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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#6 of 64 Old 03-01-2004, 08:52 PM
 
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: Oh, my goodness, how dare they refer to your kids as a jynx! That's just about the most thoughtless thing I've ever heard. Would they say that within hearing range of a mother with a special needs kid? I feel sad for any children that couple has that they think that way about children.
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#7 of 64 Old 03-01-2004, 09:42 PM
 
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I thought I had a cute story about a jinx and twins.
Friends of ours go to a wedding out of state. He has to call in to work and extend the vacation, as his wife was hospitalized. She had a gall bladder attach and on the diagnostic ultrasound...bingo! An inflamed gall bladder and two little sacs. Twins on the way!
He had always wanted two kids, but she only wanted one child and one pregnancy. So they used to joke about how twins would solve that problem. So he jinxed her with all his twin talk, as she put it. I guess it's context?

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#8 of 64 Old 03-01-2004, 09:55 PM
 
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I guess I sort of "jynxed" my husband then.
He had two kids and I had one. I really wanted to have two more and he agreed to one more...well along came Daphne and Fiona. Now we have 5 kids in all....and all GIRLS! OOooh, poor guy! He's surrounded by girls!
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#9 of 64 Old 03-02-2004, 04:32 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Fleurette
people look at your babies and say "Oh, I wish I had twins! They're so cute!" : It just bugs me sometimes. I love my boys, I really do, but sometimes having twins isn't fun, easy or cute; especially around 3 a.m. when William decides to out and out SCREAM for 2 hours and nothing settles him down.

Maybe I'm just too tired and sleep deprived. I keep offering these people the chance to "live with twins" if they want to take night duty for me for a while. So far, no one's taken me up on my offer. Wonder why! hehehe

Any....just needed to vent a little.
Oh chica. You can vent all you want to. You have twins that are two months old and you said "sometimes..." . You are a great twin mama.

I am amazed that you even had time to post here. YOu rock, mama.

Peace,
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#10 of 64 Old 03-03-2004, 11:37 PM
 
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Speaking of "jinxing" (not that babies are EVER a jinx!), when DH and I got married we had all of the guests fill out cards for our guest book. One of the questions was "What do you wish for the newlyweds' future?" DH's twin 11-year-old boy cousins wrote "TRIPLET BOYS" on their card!

Time will only tell if we were truly "jinxed", but now whenever we talk about starting a family, we ask each other if we're ready for a baby or three...

...the cuties in my avatar are my wonderful, c-section born, fully vaccinated sweethearts...
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#11 of 64 Old 03-04-2004, 09:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I think I "jinxed" us with our twins
Dh has 4 kids from a previous marriage and when we met didn't want any more kids. I was fine with his decision and told him we could not continue our relationship as I knew I wanted kids and I respected the fact that he didn't. He didn't want to lose me (ahhh!) and "relented" and said we could "Have two, but no more!"

Well, after dd was born, I really had the bug and knew in my heart of hearts I wanted at least 3 kids. I tried talking him into it and he just kept saying no. I turned to him one day and said "Fine, I'll have only 2 pregnancies, but we'll have twins next time and I'll get my 3 kids". Low and behold....twins!

Hehehe

Thanks for comiserating. It can be tough sometimes. I'm slowing feeling less stressed; but there are times when it's still hard. Thanks for listening to me.
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#12 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 12:58 PM
 
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I'm reading this forum because one of my best friends is preggers with twins and it's all kinds of exiciting. Personally, I'm pregnant with my second singleton.

While the "jinx" comment and things like "better you than me" are absolutely inexcusable, dismissing kindly-meant comments as annoying and unoriginal is just plain meanspirited. What on earth makes a comment offensive or worthy of derision or even simply non-heartfelt just because you have heard it before? Are their interest and kind wishes somehow less valid just because they couldn't think of another way to phrase them?

As a mother of a single 2yo daughter, I get plenty of "unoriginal" comments too. When she was a newborn, I'd hear "Oh, I can barely remember when my daughter was so small" or "Oh, it goes so fast - treasure it" about 10 million times. Yeah, it got kind of repetitive. But it delighted me that so many people were interested and kind. Now that my daughter is getting so big, I see infants and think "Oh, my goodness, I can't believe she was that small only two years ago." I refrain from chasing mothers down to tell them so, because I remember too recently hearing it so often myself But if I were standing behind a new mother in line at a grocery, I must admit that's the first thing that would go through my mind.

It's no different with the stereotypical comments about twins. Really, what *would* you rather people say to you? Would you rather people asked privacy-invasive non-small-talk kinds of questions? Or would you rather live in a world where people walk by in their own little bubbles, never exchanging pleasantries with each other? Would you like people to pretend there is nothing even vaguely interesting or exciting about your children? Small talk may not be the deepest conversation in the world, but it serves a good social purpose. I think I'd rather hear kind, interested but uninspired comments than "What a beautiful little girl! Tell me all about your labor!" I nurse openly in public. I like it when people take interest and don't shun me, even if the interest takes the form of small talk. I prefer hearing "Oh, it's so great that you're still breastfeeding" for the 200th time than "Gee, can't you just wait to wear a normal bra again?"

Furthermore, if you are sick of hearing the same comments over and over, give some thought to creative responses. When I was pregnant last time, I constantly heard "Do you know what it is?" I answered, very brightly and in an excited voice, "Yes! A baby!" Confused pause... "Oh, well, what are you hoping for?" "Well, I've got my hopes set on a puppy, but my husband really wants a lawn tractor!" Between babies, though, he *got* the lawn tractor, so I have to give some thought to updating that response...

So, what kinds of comments *can* people make to mothers of twins that aren't common, stereotypical, offensive, invasive or just plain wierd?

-Tara
Mama to Talia Eden 3-25-02 and someone currently the size of an avocado EDD 8-23-04
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#13 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 01:03 PM
 
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Just a different perspective from someone who used to want twins. Maybe they just feel you are double blessed and that it's a wonderful thing. It doesn't mean that they don't realize it's also hard work. I used to want twins myself, but I realize how hard it must be because one is hard work. I still think those with twins are doubly blessed though. Nobody is trying to minimize all you have to do for your children. We know it's hard work.
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#14 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 01:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by tboroson
While the "jinx" comment and things like "better you than me" are absolutely inexcusable, dismissing kindly-meant comments as annoying and unoriginal is just plain meanspirited. What on earth makes a comment offensive or worthy of derision or even simply non-heartfelt just because you have heard it before? Are their interest and kind wishes somehow less valid just because they couldn't think of another way to phrase them?

Furthermore, if you are sick of hearing the same comments over and over, give some thought to creative responses. When I was pregnant last time, I constantly heard "Do you know what it is?" I answered, very brightly and in an excited voice, "Yes! A baby!" Confused pause... "Oh, well, what are you hoping for?" "Well, I've got my hopes set on a puppy, but my husband really wants a lawn tractor!" Between babies, though, he *got* the lawn tractor, so I have to give some thought to updating that response...
I don't believe that any of us have totally ignored or dismissed a kindly-meant comment. I think that all we were doing was venting in a safe environment with people we know have "been there done that" about how sometimes it can get tiring hearing the same comment over and over again.

Personally, I think it is more mean-spirited to answer someone who asks what you are hoping for (meaning the sex of your unborn baby) with a puppy or a lawn tractor. Why purposely make someone feel silly or stupid for asking a "kindly-meant comment"? I have always answered with a smile and kind words unless the question was rude in the first place.

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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#15 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 04:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you Karen for your response. The purpose of my original post was to vent a little. I do appreciate people ohhhing and awwing over my boys, but there are days when it's incredibly difficult to parent my boys without feeling overwhelmed and stressed. It's a lot of work. I'd never dream of being rude to anyone who commented on my babies as I do feel that I'm blessed. I try to just smile and go on my way.
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#16 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 04:31 PM
 
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T 1Plus 2, what does Monozygotic mean?
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#17 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 04:43 PM
 
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Your going to get alot of these statements,and alot of them at not the best time or places You will find what works for you as far as figuring out what to say.

It gets me a little upset these days when ppl talk about my girls in ANY negative way.I mean FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD THEY ARE RIGHT HERE! They can hear you and somewhat understand what you are saying! Thats where it is my job to be polite,and say exactly how I feel. It has now become a learning experience to them. They are the ones who are going to have to deal with these comments ALL thier lives. I mineas well teach them how to deal with it in the best constructive way possible.
But I totally understand how these things can upset you. It does me too.


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#18 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 04:46 PM
 
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IM~It means identical twins
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#19 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 04:48 PM
 
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Thanks!
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#20 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 06:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by tboroson
Or would you rather live in a world where people walk by in their own little bubbles, never exchanging pleasantries with each other?
There were certainly times when I did wish this was so. Like when they were small and I finally got out of the house to get the shopping done and I knew I'd only have a tiny amount of time before they started fussing. Then somebody blocks us in the store to oooo and ahhh and ask questions and all I wanted to do was quickly finish shopping. I just wanted to be invisible. One lady actually took the pasifier out of one of their mouths and made her cry.
Sometimes it would be nice if people backed off.
But other times it felt good to have people make a fuss, but sometimes enough is enough.
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#21 of 64 Old 03-05-2004, 09:10 PM
 
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Fleurette - I understand your wanting to vent...especially among those of us who you *know* understand what you are experiencing. That's what I love about this board...we can all vent, laugh, rejoice, etc. together because we all have "been there done that".

Irishmommy - What Charmarty said...it means they are identical. I like the term monozygotic better then identical because no twins are truly identical even when they come from the same egg and sperm...KWIM? Monozygotic means from one egg and dizygotic means from two (or fraternal).

Amandazia - "But other times it felt good to have people make a fuss, but sometimes enough is enough." Amen to that!!!

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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#22 of 64 Old 03-06-2004, 05:27 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by tboroson
While the "jinx" comment and things like "better you than me" are absolutely inexcusable, dismissing kindly-meant comments as annoying and unoriginal is just plain meanspirited. What on earth makes a comment offensive or worthy of derision or even simply non-heartfelt just because you have heard it before? Are their interest and kind wishes somehow less valid just because they couldn't think of another way to phrase them?

...

It's no different with the stereotypical comments about twins.

...

Furthermore, if you are sick of hearing the same comments over and over, give some thought to creative responses. When I was pregnant last time, I constantly heard "Do you know what it is?" I answered, very brightly and in an excited voice, "Yes! A baby!" Confused pause... "Oh, well, what are you hoping for?" "Well, I've got my hopes set on a puppy, but my husband really wants a lawn tractor!" Between babies, though, he *got* the lawn tractor, so I have to give some thought to updating that response...
I think I need some clarification here. Are we not supposed to feel annoyed or the need to vent (somewhere safe) about comments that we feel are well meaning but intrusive? You seem to be contradicting yourself here--telling twin moms to suck it up (paraphrased) about "kindly-meant" comments specific to twins, while on the other hand you belt out smartass answers to kindly-meant questions about the gender of your baby-to-be! Now, don't get me wrong. I am all about the smartass comebacks, even though I am generally too slow-witted to come up with them when I need them. (If life had a 5 minute delay, though, I would be the Queen!) HOWEVER, do not say with one side of your mouth that I should be kind and patient with folks who make "silly twin comments" while snapping at "silly gender questions" out of the other and expect me to feel that you have the moral high ground. I just don't get the point of the above post. I would really like to know, though. Because maybe it would help me understand why some people who are not parents of multiples seem to expect me to put up with more crap and be more saintly about it than any other mom. I would like to be enlightened.

One of the differences that twin moms face is that while stupid pregnancy comments generally stop after pregnancy, we NEVER GET TO ESCAPE FROM THEM. And frankly, you have no idea how exasperating it is to deal with two newborns, the great hassle of getting them and your older child(ren) out and about, worrying about how to juggle NIP with two floppy babies who can't hold themselves up yet and help you out (and you can't drag your enormous twin nursing pillow around with you everywhere), you are tired, hungry, annoyed, tired, (did I mention tired) and then as the icing on the cake you are stopped every 5 minutes by people staring at you and then asking "are they twins?" "oh, you're so lucky, I always wanted twins," blah blah blah. It's very easy to assume you'd handle it gracefully.

Do I wish that people stayed in their bubbles? Yes, sometimes I do!!! Especially when they sit there and make their stupid comments as they watch me struggle alone to hold open the door to get the triple stroller through it. (and I guess the uberAP mamas can think evil thoughts about me using a stroller too! ;>)

It is not wrong or meanspirited to be frustrated with cliche comments. You get frustrated with people asking you the gender of your baby, other people might get tired of being asked how far along they are (especially if they're twin mamas in their 2nd trimester--people generally stop asking in the 3rd and stare at you in horror), and other people might get tired of people asking them as you carry two babies "are they twins?" or asking them if the twins are identical (when one is dressed up as a boy, and the other a girl).

Grrrrr. Now I am feeling very meanspirited. :P

<Edited to more clearly voice my frustrations without attacking! I freely admit to being snappish in the original. :P>
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#23 of 64 Old 03-06-2004, 12:48 PM
 
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Tigerchild -

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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#24 of 64 Old 03-06-2004, 03:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tigerchild
you are tired, hungry, annoyed, tired, (did I mention tired) and then as the icing on the cake you are stopped every 5 minutes
Yes yes and again yes
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#25 of 64 Old 03-06-2004, 07:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you Tigerchild for expressing so well what I was orginally venting about. This is a safe place to vent about things that twin mamas understand.
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#26 of 64 Old 03-06-2004, 10:04 PM
 
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OMG, YES! Tara, you know the old saying, "when you've walked a mile ..."

I think of it the same way as a famous pianist once did about his playing. He said the thing he hated the worst was for people to say "oh, I wish I could play like that". He wanted to tell them "well, apparently not very much, because I DID want to play like this and I worked my ass off nonstop for 25 years every day to do it. What you really want is for it to be handed to you, and it doesn't work like that".

I know that twins are a bit different since most don't "work" to get them (although I did, via IVF), but it's the same general thought.

I think it's ignorant. They don't know what it's like, they just "want" twins because all they're thinking of is dressing two little dolls exactly the same and basking in the attention.

Moms of twins trying to get out in public, try this trick. Wear one baby in a sling, and the other in a single stroller (alternate to keep things fair). By the time they figure out there's another baby, you've gone on by!

Ask me how I know.
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#27 of 64 Old 03-08-2004, 01:37 PM
 
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jumping in late here- but

Quote:
I think it's ignorant. They don't know what it's like, they just "want" twins because all they're thinking of is dressing two little dolls exactly the same and basking in the attention.
i generally agree with this. i don't mind most of the comments we get EVERY SINGLE TIME we leave the house, but i think people "think" they want twins because they think it's a cute novelty. i always just sort of smile and chuckle when someone says that to us
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#28 of 64 Old 03-08-2004, 01:56 PM
 
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I just want to tell all the moms of tiny twins, the comments and blocking you in the aisle to ogle the babies will eventually abate. My girls will be 3 in April and it doesn't happen like that anymore (thank goodness). People say "oh, are they twins" and they sometimes make their other comments, but they don't linger as much as they did when they were tiny. Thank goodness we can get our shopping done in half the time now.
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#29 of 64 Old 03-10-2004, 07:28 AM
 
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tigerchild-- That was so well said.

And hey, I use a stroller too. I never even owned or used a stroller with the two older singletons but hey, twins change EVERYTHING.

tboroson-- I do not think the women here are being mean-spirited. I think you might have assumed the worst of them. I hope you hang around a bit more and get to know the mamas here AND get a little more insight into the wonderful but exhausting world of multiples...

When I had singletons, I really HAD NO IDEA what multiples were like. NOPE, NONE, NADA. I kinda hope you get to experience TWINS one day. They ARE wonderful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Multiple mamas----

I, too, have STRUGGLED with my twins while mamas with ONE child or NO child have watched me, even BLOCKED me or RUSHED by me as IF I am inconveniencing them. The mamas that do come to my aid are those with multiples or have some sort of TWIN experience THEMSELVES.

Yesterday at the park, the twins (14 mos) were going in opposite directions. My 5 yo was stuck on the play structure and calling for help while the 2 yo was in a swing. I was trying to get the twins AWAY from the water and grabbed them and ran with both of them to get my daughter who was DANGLING off one side of it. THERE WAS THIS MOM WHO WAS JUST WATCHING ME STRUGGLE WHO COULD HAVE HELPED MY DAUGHTER. Her husband was taking care of their ONE child and she just sat there watching me. Now, that stuff happens often and there ARE times where it pisses me off. I got everyone settled, almost burst into tears and then SHE came up t me and said, "Boy you sure have your hands full." I was so mad that I said absolutely NOTHING. She walked away in a huff because I didn't engage in small talk with her.

I am so glad Y'all understand.
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#30 of 64 Old 03-10-2004, 10:12 AM
 
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sunny South Florida
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wow that is awful TG that everytime I have had a near disaster at the park (even now) - or the parking lot or the store etc - Someone always comes to my rescue

but the part about me acting like I was in their way when I had three babies is so true

and people get so mad at you when you won't engage in small talk or let them look at/touch the babies

I'm Andrea - I have three boys - 12 year old twins & an 11 year old

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