when one twin feels "left out" or rejected by the other? parents of older twins please help - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 04-15-2011, 07:29 AM - Thread Starter
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How do you handle it when situations like this come up? Like one twin wants to be involved in something or go somewhere without the other twin, or has a friendship that doesn't include the other twin, or even something as simple as one twin just wants to play/read/nap alone, and doesn't want the other one to join in. We're struggling a lot with this. DD2 seems to be developing into a naturally introspective, kinda solitary person. I love it-- she reminds me of myself, and it's not extreme or worrisome at all. She just has a high need for alone time. Her twin, on the other hand, is like my DH--- he has a negative need for personal space. He wants constant interaction, constant socialization, constant conversation. And he's driving DD2 crazy. (Sometimes it drives me crazy, too, so I totally get how she feels.) She's handled it well overall-- she says things like, "please, DS, I just want to play by myself right now." But he pushes and pushes, and then she loses her temper and snaps at him, and he feels hurt, and goes to pieces. Lately he's been saying things like, "Ray-ray doesn't love me anymore," and it just cracks my heart in two. And last week she was invited on an outing with a friend she made in her ballet class, and DS wasn't asked to go, and he cried and cried.

I think of them like a cat and a puppy. DD2 is the cat, and DS is the puppy.

If anybody has dealt with these kinds of situations, I'd love to hear about your experiences. I'm struggling with how much to intervene and what exactly to say or do. I have the feeling that this is going to be something we're going to struggle with for a long time.

Edited to add: they're four years old.

me knit.gif, he bikenew.gif, my three reading.gif, sleepytime.gif, and fairy.gif-- and the one we lost angel2.gif
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#2 of 3 Old 04-15-2011, 08:50 AM
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Oh my gosh, my heart is breaking with, "Ray ray doesn't love me."  My twins are very different from each other, but not in the ways yours seem to be and they have no separate friends.  Do you think it would help to sit down with your DS and help him make a list of things he can do with you, his father or his older sister when DD2 wants her space?  I'd probably be talking to him a lot about how DD2 needs time by herself from time to time, trying to help him see it wasn't just him she wanted space from, but everyone and part of how she feels ready to play with other people.  Would he understand the concept of a timer and leaving her alone for half an hour and then coming back to see if she's ready to play with someone else?  Could your DH talk to him about how he deals with the differences between the two of you?  Maybe he'd feel better about it if he thought, "I'm like Daddy"?  I'm sorry, this isn't very helpful.  I'm curious to read what others have to say.

SAHM to F & P, : fraternal twins born 3/05, : I, born 12/07 & at 5 weeks in July 2009
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#3 of 3 Old 04-23-2011, 06:45 AM
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Ugh, I have no real time to reply right now but part of the reason I came here is because I wanted to talk about similar issues with my 5-year-olds, and during their 4th year was when I first started to really notice it. Katie is waaaaay more into Lilly and way more sensitive to Lilly's moods, and sometimes it really does break my heart to see how hurt she gets. I'm going to subscribe to this one and try to get back when there's more time. Hugs in the meantime. hug2.gif

Betsy, mama to beautiful, strong MZ twins Lillian and Kate, born 11 weeks early on January 10, 2006.
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