The Good One - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 05-09-2012, 10:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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A few months ago I was talking with my mother, who is a twin, and she mentioned that she was always the "bad one" because she was more adventurous and curious, and her sister, the "good one" and that just broke my heart!  It made me even more acutely aware of not attaching negative comparisons to the twins, myself.  But how do you address this with others?  My kids, I think, have mostly been taught not to do it as I respond pretty quickly if I hear someone labeled "the cute one" or "the smart one" (and the arguments that follow as other siblings disagree with the initial assessments.)  But I think it is more difficult with adults, as they tend to be more set in their ways or less moldable.  I see this becoming more of a problem as they get older and their personalities, strengths, and weaknesses become more evident.  How have you addressed this with family members, friends, and strangers? 


Mom to eight!!  Our twin girls arrived 3-3-2011.

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#2 of 9 Old 05-09-2012, 11:11 AM
 
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I think that sometimes people are just desperate to recognize a difference between the two and also feel like they know them somehow.  I have not had it happen too often, tho a couple of time someone has tried to label one as the whiny one.  The funny things is, they take turns exhibiting personality traits, so one could be whiny one day (minute!) and then the other one is.  I am not sure how to handle it, though I def don't care for the negative.  I just say everyone has a right to be _____ some of the time.  Then change the subject. 

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#3 of 9 Old 05-09-2012, 08:12 PM
 
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Oh I'm struggling with this soo much right now!
I am living with my grandmother for a few months while we help her move out of her lifelong house, she is old an although a wonderful person, is very absolute and judgmental. she used to pick a favorite twin new each day or meal or whatever and practically dis the other one, now she is setting into liking one more and the comments are pissing me off to no end. Like right now my poor boy has 7! Teeth coming in, including 3 molars so as you can imagine he's a bit fragile and cranky. Grandma is just constantly comparing him to his sister (who apaenrently can't be bothered with growing teeth) and how much sweeter, smarter, cuter, whatever more than he is. It hurts to listen to and she completely denies and does not get it when you point it out or ask her not to talk to them like that.

My only small comfort is that hopefully they are too young to get what she is saying. I'm actually scared what the next few years will bring with her, she is a pretty constant in our lives and is important to me, but so is protecting my kids from what I feel is a form of mental abuse of sorts.

I have no advice at all, just commiserating.

partners.gif 2twins.gif  So what if I don't fit cleanly into a defined parenting style, my kids don't fit into a personality archetype either!

 
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#4 of 9 Old 05-11-2012, 07:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ouch, Adorkable, I feel your pain.  And your poor little boy with so many teeth coming in!   


Mom to eight!!  Our twin girls arrived 3-3-2011.

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#5 of 9 Old 05-11-2012, 07:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by queenofchaos View Post

 I just say everyone has a right to be _____ some of the time.  Then change the subject. 

That's true enough.  Mine are so fraternal that we never hear, "Are they identical?" from anyone, but still people need to differentiate in their personalities.  They are very different, so plenty of opportunity, but I don't want them to feel one way is a better way of being, you know?


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#6 of 9 Old 05-14-2012, 04:51 PM
 
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this is kind of eye opening for me as i find myself distinguishing between our girls, mainly because it's just so amazing to me that they are so individual from one another...even though, through common sense, i realize this is going to be the case for any of our children...the fact that they are so close in age and shared a womb, etc...i dunno...i guess i expected wonder twin powers or something, lol. which might be what others are experiencing when they find it necessary to label...


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#7 of 9 Old 05-14-2012, 04:51 PM
 
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this is kind of eye opening for me as i find myself distinguishing between our girls, mainly because it's just so amazing to me that they are so individual from one another...even though, through common sense, i realize this is going to be the case for any of our children...the fact that they are so close in age and shared a womb, etc...i dunno...i guess i expected wonder twin powers or something, lol. which might be what others are experiencing when they find it necessary to label...


becky.
mama to m (3/96), o (8/07), p (5/09) and our twins: r (2/14/11) and l (2/15/11) 

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#8 of 9 Old 05-14-2012, 04:52 PM
 
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sorry for the double post!


becky.
mama to m (3/96), o (8/07), p (5/09) and our twins: r (2/14/11) and l (2/15/11) 

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#9 of 9 Old 05-23-2012, 04:44 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by queenofchaos View Post

  I just say everyone has a right to be _____ some of the time.  Then change the subject. 

 

LOVE THIS!

 

I think labelling happens to every child in a family, in most families, but it's particularly smarting when it's seen as a tweedle dee tweedle dum/ antonym kind of comparison ie: good/bad, funny/serious etc etc as applied to twins - as if there is no way to avoid them being at opposite ends of a scale in anything at the same time.


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