Is anyone else tired of the negativity? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 42 Old 06-10-2013, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My twins are 12 weeks old and it is going wonderfully. I felt lucky to be having twins when we first found out and I feel luckier every day. People don't seem to get that someone could actually be happy about twins, though. I'm sure you've all experienced the celebrity of being out and about with multiples. Do the strangers who stop to comment on your twins say things like "You have your hands full", "How hard that must be!", etc?

 

My brother-in-law also has twins and at a family gathering yesterday some in-laws were commenting on how if they were trying to get pregnant, they wouldn't come around. They treat twins like a disease you might accidentally catch. I know they are just being "cute", but I'm honestly offended that they think having twins is a bad thing.

 

We went to a local twins get-together recently. Everyone kept coming over and saying "I can't believe you're here. We didn't leave the house for a year. How are you doing? Are you okay?" It felt like a PTSD-riddled support group for veterans.

 

Does anyone else ever get angry/tired/annoyed/offended by all of the negativity?

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#2 of 42 Old 06-11-2013, 01:53 AM
 
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Yeah, I had the same thing. Whenever anyone said "you have your hands full" all I said was "yes, I do, isn't it wonderful?" And then the comments of "I would never want twins" etc, I just said "well, it's not for everyone" or "not everybody can handle it".

 

Whenever anyone stopped me in the grocery store or whatnot, I always made them "babysit" while I continued shopping, or gave them my list if they held me up too much. ;-0 I really don't take too much stock of what others think about me, and then I just ignored them and got on with my day.
 

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#3 of 42 Old 06-12-2013, 11:47 PM
 
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So this thread got me thinking. I didn't even realize how often I hear similar comments. I feel like those are just the cliche things strangers say and are easily forgotten. When I was pregnant people talked about how hard it would be with two infants. Now they warn me about the two teenage daughters I'll have down the road. To be honest I was the one totally freaked out about having twins. But guess what? It's great! joy.gif  My twins are 11 weeks old and I really can't imagine having one child because this is all I know. I like to focus on the positives and mostly when people see us going on with our lives, twins included, they respond positively too. Granted, things happen on a different schedule then before, the pace and tempo of our outings dictated by feedings and dirty diapers. And yet, we're making time for the things we love and sharing our experience with our kids. 

 

Okay, the more I think about it people have said some really crazy things to me. A complete stranger in the parking lot said "Oh wow twins. What was that like, pushing two babies out of your body at the same time? Must have been brutal." He was like sixty and with his wife. You'd think she would have told him to mind his manners. But no matter because Dude has no idea what my body is capable of. winky.gif And in the end I leave it at that. Most people just don't know what it's like. If you think having twins is awesome, tell them. Everyone has a story. Yours sounds like a happy one. 


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#4 of 42 Old 06-22-2013, 04:59 PM
 
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I get alot of "how do you do it-I couldn't do it" comments and I always say "you're assuming I do it well, some days I'm not "wink1.gif or-"it's not like I had a choice in the matter" I personally would not have choosen twins. I would never trade my twins but sometimes I wish they had been born separately. Now that they are 3 1/2 and I am seeing their relationship grow with each other it is just a very special thing. I actually get irritated by people coming up to me and saying "oh I hope I have twins I always wanted twins-they are so cute and fun"

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#5 of 42 Old 06-24-2013, 07:58 PM
 
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Ohhhhhhhhhh yes, I am SO tired of the negativity, and my twins aren't even here yet! Forgive me, but this is going to be long and snarky.

My backstory: after nearly 5 years of fertility woes, including a very traumatic miscarriage and humiliating tests, we got pregnant. 33 weeks into it, we found out it was twins. I was surprised but not shocked. I feel as if God has blessed us immensely. I am disappointed that I might have a c-section rather than the homebirth I wanted. I saw a MFM specialist last week who told me that if my twins were not induced asap, one of them had a 5% chance of being stillborn. I was 35 weeks then and am having NO issues at all. Neither are the babies. I called another MFM's office and was told that I should carry them as long as possible, for them to fully mature and get to be their healthiest birth weight. I hope that this other MFM will be calmer about things and not use the scare tactics on us. I am determined to carry them as long as I can safely. I am in good shape for my age (36) and even though I am very small (4 feet 11 inches tall) with a thin build, I have gained nearly 38 pounds (I was 96 to start with) and my twins look as if they are normally sized.

This pregnancy in and of itself is a huge victory to me and my husband! I refuse to see it as a disaster. Most people have been encouraging, but a few are acting like it's the biggest disaster. One family friend (a former doctor) looked at me in abject horror and began to lecture me. "Don't you realize all the things that could go wrong? Anything could happen. Toxemia, premature labor--by the way, you should go on bed rest, you know--postpartum hemorrhage, locked twins in the birth canal, and--well, just anything!" I smiled politely and thanked her for being so concerned about my health, but told her that I feel fine and plan on going on about my life, regardless. She looked at me as if I were insane. No, I don't get it, either.

Thanks for letting me vent. I really needed to get this out.

TizTaz5, wife of a wonderful husband, mother of ( June '09), two (July '13), and a little due March '15. hopeful!
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#6 of 42 Old 07-02-2013, 05:45 PM
 
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I just found out I'm having twins (if they stick around) in February. I have to admit, I was not happy to hear the news. I'm really worried about all the potential medical complications, and not to mention being able to simultaneously handle two babies (and then kids, teens!) on a really tiny budget and in a really tiny (one bedroom apartment) space -- I know people manage, but I'm scared and it's hard. Everyone in the OBs office was saying, "Congratulations!!!" and I was just thinking, "Why isn't anyone saying what I feel, which is, 'Oh no...'"

 

Still. I came over to this thread to try and find some encouragement, and here it was. It was nice to read people having the exact opposite problem to me! I know people cope, I know it'll be fine, I know we'll be fine .... I'm just not there yet.

 

I'll be hanging around this thread for encouragement!


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#7 of 42 Old 07-02-2013, 06:49 PM
 
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Big virtual hug to ya, CupOfJoe. I have freaked out over having twins, too. I think that everyone who has them does. It's normal and probably even healthy. I am kind of happy I didn't know it was twins at first, because this is my first pregnancy after a loss, and those are always harder, anyway. But I am 37 weeks today and feeling great, so I am happy. If I can make it this far, given my history, I am sure you will be just fine. Best of luck to you. How far along are you, anyway? And how are you feeling?

TizTaz5, wife of a wonderful husband, mother of ( June '09), two (July '13), and a little due March '15. hopeful!
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#8 of 42 Old 07-03-2013, 05:16 AM
 
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I'm either nearly 8 or nearly 9 weeks along, they couldn't quite tell at the Dr's office. Both twins (with heartbeats) measured around 7 3/4 weeks but I am almost positive about the date of conception, which would put me at the end of week 8, not 7 -- they said it'll become clearer as things progress. I guess now we're just waiting until 12 weeks to see if both kids stick.

 

This has thrown absolutely everything for a loop -- so I'm not quite sure where my head is right now. I feel sick, but not hugely -- and other than that I'm just really lethargic so I don't feel like myself.

 

The doctor said "You might want to keep this news under your hat" but I feel like it is stressing me out more NOT to tell anyone so I've already told a few friends and they've all responded with "HOLY SH*T" and "ARE YOU FING SERIOUS?!" which has actually been helpful. They're all shocked just like I am, and they all clearly appreciate how hard this is for me, so it's nice to have them to lean on right now. I can't imagine keeping this to myself right now!

 

We are, however, waiting to tell family until 12 weeks.


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#9 of 42 Old 07-04-2013, 01:35 PM
 
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I agree with you, CupOfJoe. You need to get this out and share it with someone. I am stressed up now myself, and the fact that we are in the midst of remodeling our house at the last minute is not helping. I have to go in to the hospital for some testing today. And.......yeah. A lot is going on all at once, and even now, at 37 weeks, I keep thinking, "If it was just one kid, okay, but two.....? Yikes!" and then I have moments where they both move at once, and it is amazing and brings me to tears. And my hormones are not helping. At all.

I think you will be just fine. Doctors can be wonderful at freaking you out, so I try not to put a whole lot of stock in their advice, which is easier said than done. As far as complications go, I was a prime candidate to have them (over 35, autoimmune issues, short stature) and so far have not had anything major happen. My sugar is fine, my blood presssure is great, and I feel good. Wish me luck, and I wish you the best.

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#10 of 42 Old 07-04-2013, 05:05 PM
 
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You're my inspiration TizTaz! 37 Weeks and no complications? Hooray!! I am really just hoping to have as uneventful a pregnancy as possible, and to carry to term. Simple right?

 

Good luck with the birth TizTaz, I will be rooting for you.


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#11 of 42 Old 07-05-2013, 06:49 PM
 
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Hey CupOfJoe and everyone else, today, my husband is my inspiration. Just got back from the hospital. Oh my God what an effing nightmare.(Forgive my language, I usually try hard to keep it clean). 1st we had an ultrasound, and the tech doing it was just great. Babies are frank breech and transverse, so sectioning is sadly in order, barring a complete turn by one or the other or both. 1 baby is 6.6 pounds, the other is 5.2. I am 37 weeks, 3 days today. We then got taken to labor and delivery and were ultimately told that iugr is happening. I was really vulnerable today and they tried to bully us into an emergecy section. I was ready to agree to a section tomorrow--lack of sleep and food, pelvic and back pain for months on end, and jackass doctors can do that to the strongest of people. I try hard to be assertive enough, but we all have our moments of cracking. My husband took charge, bless his heart. The non-stress test looked great. I feel lots of movement. And I have always understood that twins are usually like this, with one bigger than the other. So......we checked out ama and have scheduled a section for Monday. Thank God for my husband.
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#12 of 42 Old 07-05-2013, 07:05 PM
 
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And let me add this. Get someone--your husband, partner, parent, friend, doula--who is on your side and will not crack, even if you do. I cannot stress that enough. ESPECIALLY if you will be in the hospital!

If I can keep going, if I can get this far, if my husband can be such a support, anyone else can do it. Anyone. Today is the first day in which I can honestly say, "It is twins, and I have totally accepted it and am very happy. I have done my best to get them as far as I can. I am not happy about the section, but vbac is an option later. Everything will work out and we will all be fine."

Thanks for your support, CupOfJoe. It means so much to me and my husband both. I will keep you posted, and please, let me know how you are.

TizTaz5, wife of a wonderful husband, mother of ( June '09), two (July '13), and a little due March '15. hopeful!
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#13 of 42 Old 07-07-2013, 12:29 PM
 
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Tiz, I hope everything is okay and you're feeling alright. I was away from my computer most of the weekend so only just saw this.

 

Don't lose heart - 37 weeks is still great! Is there a doctor in your area who can do an external version? My OBs do them (even for patients of other docs who want to section). Maybe you can call around and ask? If not I wish you a speedy recovery from the C-Section and I'm so glad that you have great support from your partner. Trust me, even though we are not far along I already appreciate how invaluable that is. Good on you for not letting anyone bully you or make you feel more vulnerable than you already do.


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#14 of 42 Old 07-07-2013, 07:02 PM
 
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I don't know how you could do an external version on twins. My OB said no way.

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#15 of 42 Old 07-08-2013, 05:41 AM
 
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I wasn't sure if they did them only for singletons or twins -- a woman in the waiting room was raving about the Drs. because they turned her baby (single) when no other docs in the city would. Too bad it isn't possible for twins. :(


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#16 of 42 Old 07-08-2013, 08:55 AM
 
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Yeah, my OB said they'd get tangled up. There really isn't any spare room inside Mommy to turn twins, from what I understand. My baby A is breech and I keep hoping he turns on his own but I am losing hope because he's been there about 7 weeks so far and I'm 33 weeks.

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#17 of 42 Old 07-08-2013, 04:14 PM
 
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Thanks so much for all your support and kind words, CupOfJoe. My section is slated for Wednesday. I asked a friend, an RN who did labor and delivery for years, and the risks for a twin version include premature rupture of membranes, placental tearing (which could be fatal to mom and babies, due to heavy bleeding and lack of oxygen to the babies), and cord prolapse (again, potentially fatal to babies, due to oxygen being cut off). Her exact words were, "Even if an ob offers it, you say, N-O, NO! Absolutely not." I trust my friend's judgment, as she also had a set of twins via a section years ago. So.......a part of me feels just awful that my kids have to be born this eay. I have even apologized to them, as crazy as that is, but I feel as if I have failed them in some way. Irrational, yes, of course it is, but those are my feelings. *deep sigh* They will be born at 38 weeks, 1day, which I think is good for twins, but I wanted to go to term, go into labor, and push them out. I am disappointed, but they are just not positioned properly, it is too dangerous to turn them, and I live in fear that if we put it off any longer, cps will get called. Well, enough of that. I need to think positively. Edelweiss98, I really do hope that your kids will turn. My baby A is frank breech, my baby B is fully transverse. Last week, she flipped from oblique to full transverse, and the resulting pelvic/sacral pain left me immobile on the couch for hours, unable to walk properly, stand upright, or talk. I have scoliosis to begin with, so that might be why I felt all that. I am not trying to scare anyone, but I have heard that other women felt a lot of pain, pressure, and/or discomfort when their kids turned.

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#18 of 42 Old 07-08-2013, 05:08 PM
 
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Hugs to you TizTaz.  It's normal to feel that way...like you have let them down. But you have not.  You are a wonderful, strong, Goddess mama.  Carrying twins to 38 weeks is wonderful.  I think none of us want a c-section, but sometimes, it really is necessary.  There is no doubt in my mind that c-sections are overused in this country, but we also have them for a reason. People forget how high the infant mortality rate was in decades past.  

 

My twins were head down for weeks and weeks. And even though I had to have an OB instead of a midwife, she was mercifully supportive and fully on-board with me having a vaginal birth.  Well, wouldn't you know in my 37th week, I turned over in bed one night and felt like someone had flipped.  It was looking as though I was heading into pre-eclampsia, so dr. scheduled an induction at 37 weeks, 3 days.  We get there, and sure enough, ultrasound revealed that Baby B was now transverse. I wanted to cry.  Dr. asked me what I wanted to do, and said she was trained to deliver a breech.  But when I asked what she would do, and she said c-section, I went with it.  It made me sad.  It still does sometimes. But....in the end I felt it was the right thing to do.  Baby B had been stressed during the pregnancy, and she ended up being 3 lb 14 oz, a full pound less than her sister, and much smaller than the ultrasounds had indicated (even ultras a MFM clinics are not always accurate when it comes to weight).  The thought of that wee thing having to possibly be born breech, and with her already having cord flow restrictions....scares the crap out of me even now.  They both did great, no time in the NICU, and we all went home together after 5 days. And Baby B, she doesn't care how she was born.  She is healthy and happy (and, might I add, so scrappy and full of beans biggrinbounce.gif )

 

Every birth is natural and beautiful.  Soon you will have those sweet babes with you.  All the best to you.


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#19 of 42 Old 07-08-2013, 05:38 PM
 
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TizTaz  - I'm sorry you won't get the birth you want. It helps me to focus on my end goal : all of us being healthy. I would prefer a vaginal birth but I have also lost babies and holding my own warm, living babies will be such a gift no matter how they come out. I don't say that to minimize other women's goals of natural or vaginal birth but truly if in the end I am able to bring my twins home and we're all OK, I will be thankful for that. My baby A is footling breech and kicks my cervix like crazy. My baby B is vertex and gets feet under my ribs!  I think I am more OK with c-section knowing it''s not necessarily in my control (like I am not really electing this when my OB says he feels safe with vaginal). I have also gone on you tube to watch some c-section videos to give me a better idea of what goes on during the surgery.

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#20 of 42 Old 07-08-2013, 06:01 PM
 
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TizTaz - I am so sorry if I gave the impression you OUGHT to do a version -- I really was just suggesting it as something I had heard (I've since learned that it isn't possible for twins). So, that said -- don't beat yourself up over this! When I heard I was carrying twins the first thing I had to tell myself was that if I didn't get the birth I wanted that was okay, and more than that I have tried to be grateful. I hope this doesn't sound crazy or condescending, but contemporary Western medicine really is AMAZING sometimes and I sometimes have remind myself to be grateful for that even though I am often very skeptical of it. My grandmother was a twin (I just learned this yesterday) and her twin died at birth -- but would have be saved with modern medical techniques.

 

You made it to 38 weeks and one day which is amazing! I work in the NICU as a researcher and I see  the struggles of infants born at 24 and 25 weeks, those are much bigger problems than missing out on vaginal birth (as important and wonderful as that is). So far it sounds to me like you've done an amazing job and don't have anything to apologise for. I am so excited for you to meet your babies soon and I am thinking comforting and healing thoughts for you.

 

 

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#21 of 42 Old 07-08-2013, 06:36 PM
 
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Oh, no, I never got the idea that you were pushing me to do a version. I just wanted to share what I have been told about the procedure.

My real concern is not so much the section itself, but the place we are having it done at. I don't feel that most of the staff are too competent. I am terrified that something is going to go wrong. My husband and I are alone here with no family. If something were to happen to me, my parents are in no way really able to help him with the kids, and his entire family is in Pakistan. I think you are in New York, so you probably have not heard of Henry Ford Hospital. The one that we are going to is their Detroit facility. I have had good luck at their locations in Dearborn and Wyandotte, but the location in Dearborn does not do deliveries. The doctor who is doing the surgery (who we have never met) only does it in Detroit. She may well be competent, but from what I have seen so far, the residents and nurses at Detroit are not that good. And I will be at their mercy during my recovery. We also had a big blowup last week with a senior staff physician and checked out ama, so I am worried that will influence how we get treated.

Pamela England says that we all have one major fear about birth in her book Birthing From Within. Mine has always been that I will get cut open and then die. I have never feared the pain of naturally birthing, as I know a lot of women do. And I do not begrudge anyone of their fears. I just have this sense that something is going to go wrong. Don't know if it is intuition or hormones or lack of family support or simply fear talking. It is just hard to logically sort it all out.

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#22 of 42 Old 07-08-2013, 07:04 PM
 
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Thanks, everyone, for all your support. I just needed to vent, and get it out. I am a pretty healthy person and should recover well. My big objection is not so much the section, but the shitty way the hospital is treating us. No compassion. Just a concern about liability and making money. They don't care what happens to me or my kids, just covering their own butts and making a buck. They are so money-hungry that they cannot wait a day, even on a planned, necessary section. It makes me sick. Thanks again for being understanding.

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#23 of 42 Old 07-08-2013, 07:38 PM
 
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Gosh. I don't want to add my negativity to a thread about others being tired of negativity. LOL. So here are a few things that I am thankful for....
-My husband being a great support to me.
-My parents and brother are excited for us, as is my husband's family, and most of our friends.
-My supportive friends on Mothering. Y'all are a huge blessing, thanks so much for that. :-D
-My lack of pregnancy complications. 38 weeks IS something, for twins. And for a woman with autoimmune issues, this is a miracle. Well, one of my AI conditions is in remission now, and I have had people tell me that I look better than I have in years. So yes, for the most part, pregnancy has been my friend. My family doc told me once, "The best treatment for your issues would be to get pregnant." Just out of curiosity, do any other moms on here have autoimmune issues? Don't mean to thread hijack, but I would be interested to know.
-And, of course, my kids. I am excited to meet them, too. One looks like my husband, the other like me. The bigger twin is the one who looks like him, which is funny as he is way bigger than me. Well, so is everyone, pretty much. LOL. One big advantage to being short is that you look younger than what you really are.

So there are a few things I am thankful for. I feel much better now.

Siddal, the doctors lost it when the ultrasound at 37 weeks, 3 days showed weights of 5.2 and 6.6. I am worried that they will stick our kids in the nicu due to their sizes and the fact that I have only been seeing them a short time (I had been planning a homebirth with a DEM until we discovered it was twins) and the fact that we have gone against their advice. So your kids were only 3.14 and 4.14 at birth and had no nicu time? Mind blowing. I mean, I was already told they might have to go there. Are they just screwing with us, or what?!

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#24 of 42 Old 07-09-2013, 05:22 AM
 
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I can't see a full term 5lb plus baby getting put in NICU unless there was a non-size related problem (as full term babies can have, I think I get used to thinking NICUs are for preemies but really they're for infants who need intensive care, many of whom are small and premature). My daughter was full term and just over 6 lbs at birth, no NICU time, no breathing problems. Babies come small and large and I think 5+ lbs is quite a nice weight for twins.

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#25 of 42 Old 07-09-2013, 06:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Edelweiss98 View Post

 Babies come small and large and I think 5+ lbs is quite a nice weight for twins.

I agree! wow, that is annoying that the docs are being so reactionary.  yes, no NICU time for ours at 3.14 and 4.14.  I think we were originally told that anything under 5lb, they take your baby to the NICU.  And I was really upset.  My fear was that we would get to take one home and have to leave one there.  Which obviously isn't the worst thing ever, but it is hard not to be upset at the thought when you are pregnant and tired and already stressed out.  But later we found out that the hospital no longer had that policy and they base NICU stays on the actual condition of the baby/ies.  So for us, it was all about how much weight they could put on within the first couple of days, so they could see that they were thriving, and how well Baby B did with breathing.  She did have one incident where she choked in the nursery and turned a bit blue and they had to put her on oxygen. They wanted to watch them a bit longer to see how they did. And they very kindly let us stay a day or two extra, the last day spent in a courtesy room, so that we didn't have to go home w/o the babies. Frankly, it was good for me, too, since I had to have a c-section.  Just as my babies were smaller than expected, I have also heard a mom on here comment on how her babies were larger than expected. No matter how good those scans may be, they are often far from accurate.  So don't let the docs scare you.  Your twins could be even bigger than they have measured.

 

Glad to hear you have a loving supportive circle of folks around you.  That helps so much. xx


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#26 of 42 Old 07-09-2013, 08:16 AM
 
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Our NICU doesn't have a discharge weight requirement either, like 4 lbs. It's if the baby can maintain temperature with just a diaper and  blanket, no poor breathing episodes and can get milk through breast or bottle.

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#27 of 42 Old 07-09-2013, 12:37 PM
 
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Edelweiss and Siddal, I read your last posts aloud to my husband, and we both have to say thank you for your insights. We could see no real reason at this point for an automatic nicu stay just due to the kids being small. If there are complications, then yes, they need the nicu, of course. And the sizes might be totally off. During the ultrasound, the sonographer kept stating, "You know, it is just so hard for me to get the best pictures here. They are really in weird positions." Well, Baby A is frank breech with her butt over the cervical opening. Baby A's head is level with my belly button on the left side. Baby B is fully transverse now, she was oblique before. Baby B's head is on my right upper side below my ribs. Her feet are sideways over the top of the other baby's head. So again, it is not the section itself that upsets me, it is needed, it is just the awful way in which we are getting treated. Yesterday, not one, but two doctors called, demanding that we do yet another nst, and we refused. The kids are moving just fine, and we just could not deal with going back there for more harassment. They were "concerned" yesterday. No one has called today. Guess they aren't as "concerned" now. Well, I told them yesterday that their "concern" is motivated by money, and that they really don't care about me or my children. Maybe I have hit a nerve somewhere?

TizTaz5, wife of a wonderful husband, mother of ( June '09), two (July '13), and a little due March '15. hopeful!
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#28 of 42 Old 07-11-2013, 02:10 PM
 
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Just wanted to pop on and recommend a book my fiance and I have both enjoyed. It's called "The Joy of Twins" by Pamela Novotny. Seemed appropriate for the title of this thread. Some of the product info is outdated as this gem was written in 1988. But it is thoughtfully researched and well written. I'll let these lines from the intro sum it up: "I have two hopes for this book. THe first is that it will enable you to find your best way of caring for yourself and your family by showing you options you may have not considered. The second is that it will help demolish some of the mythology-most of it negative- that surrounds multiples and their families." Our twins are almost 4 months and this one book on our shelf we keep going back to. 


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#29 of 42 Old 07-11-2013, 05:55 PM
 
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Thanks for the recommendation Momma Bear! I'll definitely be adding that one to the amazon line up!
 


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#30 of 42 Old 07-11-2013, 06:28 PM
 
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Hate it. I'm 5 years out with twins and I can't say it's gotten any better :( Mine are very active too, not naughty, just active. Plus our large family, so three things against us on the negative comments deal. Ours are identical too so we get bonus stupid comments about that. "How do you tell them apart?" and "Are they twins?" (Durrrrrrrrr.)

 

I've just learned to tune it out at this point. Sometimes I'll even be rude back, if they're doing it in a rude way or if I'm just feeling particularly irritated.

 

Lately I've learned to replace irritation with pity at some people. Especially other parents who are so negative about kids, twins or not. How sad for them that they can't imagine enjoying parenting and not having a terrible time with it.


Peaceful, homeschooling, UC/HBing, select vaxing, breastfeeding, intactivist mama to a bunch of small people.

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