Hi. We have non-identical 8 year old boys. They are moving from elementary school to middle school in September and I just wanted to get other MoM advice on whether to seperate them or not. They have been in the same class since they started school and there is no real academic competition between them (At the moment). Their 3rd grade teacher is recommending seperating them into different classes as all the kids will be mixed (they have been with the same kids since 1st grade, they move up as a group).
We have asked them seperately what they want to do - they are both very self-aware - and they have stated independently that they want to be in the same class with the same teacher.
The boys have different friends and different interests, but they move in the same social circle as we live in a smallish town. They are inter-dependent, but do know how to be on thier own. They always know where the other one is in space, but are quite happy playing on their own or with seperate friends.
Only you can make the decision, but part of growing up is individuating from your parents and your siblings. I personally think separating them helps prepare them for adulthood more effectively than keeping them together does.
I am not a parent of multiples, but I do have a sibling pair close in age who went through high school in the same multi-grade ( teeny school) classes and moved in the same social circles. My kids individuated in healthy ways, they grew into competent independent people. They are still fairly (though not exceptionally) close.
If there is no worrisome co-dependence, competitiveness or resentment, I don't see any reason to over-rule their wishes. Healthy relationships are healthy relationships, whether siblings, twins or otherwise.
I think that since you asked them and since they said the same thing, that it makes sense to keep them together. Otherwise, it makes it very odd that you asked them. In future, I think that if you and your spouse want to make a decision for them, then you shouldn't ask them first. To me, the question isn't just whether or not they should be together, but whether or not this is a big enough deal to override their wishes.
My DD just graduated from a large high school (over 600 in her graduating class) and her class included a set of triplets. At the high school level, there wasn't any effort to keep the triplets either together or apart, and sometimes they ended up in classes together. I wonder if this is a problem that natural goes away -- once the kids just fill out a card saying what classes they want and a computer sorts them, does the whole choice about whether or not to keep them together just go away? Because 2 of the triplets kept picking the same advanced math classes, they kept ending up in math together (with my DD), which effected other parts of their schedule. They are all 3 going in very different directions next year.
On the other hand, a friend of mine has sister who are twins, and they went to the same college, had the same major, and choose to take every class together. Their choice.
I assumed the original poster had asked the kids, intending to abide by their requests, but then had been kind of surprised that the school and teachers had so strongly recommended otherwise. I took the question to be along the lines of "Are there issues we're not seeing here? Are the teachers actually right on this? Because we've considered all the issues we can think of and we're inclined to follow our original plan..."
My twins are only three and I homeschool my older one so take my advice with a grain of salt ...
If your kids are happy, there are no serious issues, and they want to be together, then they should stay together. I'm sure at this age they are old enough to understand if you need/decide to go against their preference but since you already asked them you might want to be prepared with some reasons if you go the other way. As a bonus, it's probably easier for you to have them in the same class with the same assignments and field trips and such.
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. My DH and I had already come to some decision before we asked the children. Please don't think that our decision is entirely child-led. However, the teacher sees them in class and we see them at home.
I still have not filled out the paperwork as I would like to speak to the teacher one more time before we make our final decision.
Just by the way, DH is a twin and he and his twin were seperated when they were 12 and his twin has still not gotten over the trauma and their relationship kind of fell apart (I'm sure there was more going on there than just going to different schools), so that's we are so reluctant to go against the boys' wishes. End of the day, the final decision is ultimately ours.
My twins are only 1 year and 1month old, but i think I'd prefer them to study together. This is more comfy both for them and me. However, as a lot of psychologists think, twins should be separated from time to time for them to become more independent and self sufficient. I'd rather prefer different and less important types of activities for separation, e g weekend activities and holidays etc
If they have asked to stay together and there doesn't seem to be any issues with competitiveness or dependence, I see no issue attempting to honor their request.
It is one of those things though that evolves as they grow. As they move from middle to high school they will separate in to different activity periods and electives and that separation happens organically. IOW, don't stress too much, it will sort itself out.
Hey, at least one didn't say keep us together and the other said separate us eh?
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