Lex, from a BTDT mom of twins emerging from the "terrible twos", you are hitting the worst of it and it WILL get a lot better actually starting around age 2 when they were really really verbal (bigger more complex sentences, etc etc, and able to do more things themselves e.g., eat very well, walk well alongside you, and most importantly have the beginnings of empathy or the comprehension of right/wrong). I honestly think all you can do is just get through it knowing you're a great mom and doing the best you can.
Dd and ds are 2 years 3 months now, and in the past 1-2 months I've noticed significant changes. Looking back here are the things we did to help, running the gamut of types of advice - to take or leave, but fwiw...
1. GO OUTSIDE!! The weather is nice and will be for a couple more months... and by the time winter hits, they'll be big enough to really be able to get into snowman making, sledding, "helping" to shovel, etc etc.. We spend 1-2 hours outside in the morning and 2-3 hours outside in the afternoon. Bring sidewalk chalk to a park. Bring 2 balls to a playground. Go in your backyard if you have one. Just get out of the house... rain or shine. If it's raining, I put on their rainboots and raincoats, and we go splashing in puddles or playing in mud. Cleaning up muddy kids is a lot easier than dealing with 2 cooped up toddlers all day long.
2. A toy that is fought over is put away immediately not for use for a couple of hours. I explain gently why, they seemed to understand early on, and it helped tremendously.
3. Limit clutter. I know big
But I found the jealousy and fighting was signfiicantly increased when the family room (where we keep their toys) was a mess and chock full of toys.. it was just too overstimulating I think. One day I swept the room while they were down for a nap, cleared out 75% of the toys, and put them in the attic. I made sure all the toys fit in the toy bin or on the bookshelves. I actually found less is more... i.e., you'd think if twins were in a room filled with toys, why in the world would they fight over a toy, but I found the opposite was true -- I guess at least for my own kids, their inner need for order combined with the benefit of not having sensory overload was the key.
4. Babyproof to the hilt. I don't mean for safety, but for convenience. We put toilet locks and drawer/door locks everywhere we could not because I was worried abotu their safety but because I needed to know that while I was changing dd's diaper in the family room, ds wasn't picking Baggies out of the bottom drawer one by one, or emptying the just-cleaned dish cloths all over the floor. Get your baby gates back out if necessary to keep control over where they can get to.
5. If they make a mess (e.g, pulling Baggies out of the drawer - can you tell that used to be a favorite pastime here?!), THEY help clean it up. Yeah I know it's common sense but a lot of times I thought it was just easier to do it myself. I found that ended up working against me. So now if one of them takes all the wipes out of the wipes container or unrolls the toilet paper, they help me clean it up. I'm not talking scolding and "You help me or else" just kind of matter of factly saying something like "Well I see you took all the Baggies out of the drawer. Now mama's going to need your help to put them back in..." That curtailed such antics pretty swiftly. Not a lot of fun to help clean up, get down out of the booster during a meal to pick up the placemat, etc etc.
6. Hands-on crafts and imaginative play. Playing with a toy that DOES something is always more prone to squabbles than playing in a sandbox, coloring, playing wiht playdough, finger painting, etc. Go outside and use a little plastic outdoor table for finger painting on. Again, sidewalk chalk. My two rarely argue when they're doing some explorative and fun like that. I'm sure you do a ton of this already, but maybe thinking of ways to incorporate into day to break up the , like everyone gets to play with a little playdough while you make dinner or they can fingerpaint (naked of course for a quick hosing off!) while you weed outside. Whatever makes sense for everyone.
OK, I've written a ton, and hope at least a little is helpful. I so know what you're going through, and your post made me realize how far we've come. I'm sorry you're in the thick of it now. It really is "just a phase" and they'll be out of it soon.