Sad about intimacy issues with twins - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 08-01-2005, 01:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Cosleeping did not work for us. I did the rotating co-sleeping thing for 6 months until the sleeping baby could no longer be moved without waking. It was a rough couple of weeks after which the twins got their own room.
We have a king sized bed but DH and I are, um, not small people. A few times I slept across the foot of the bed because both babies were sleeping on my side.
Anyway, now my twins are 22 months old. I also have a 3 year old who had been in his own room but came back into our room just after age 2 after a vacation that i think may have traumatized him for sleeping alone (bad mommy).
So I get all of this wonderful cosleping and cuddling time with my 3 year old. He often falls asleep in our bed and I then put him on his own bed on the floor. But as I lay cuddling with him last night I was jealous for my babies in the other room whom I never get to do this with.
I have tried bringing them back into our room but to them it is a place to play. Nobody gets any sleep.
I try to nurse them individually whenever possible (which means I have to hide from the other twin basically) so that we can have some 1 on 1 loving time. But even so, I just feel so bad that it is so uneven. And I dont know what to do (if anything) to make it more equal.
Will they grow up to resent the deeper level of intimacy that I have with their big brother? Do they even notice or care? Is it all in my head?
If co-sleeping did not work out for you. What ways to you have to reconnect with your children?
Do you feel guilty that your twins dont get the same from you as your older child?
Joline
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#2 of 10 Old 08-01-2005, 03:34 PM
 
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Hey Joline! I often wonder how you moms of 3 do things, it sounds really difficult. Although I'm not in exactly the same boat, I can still relate, as I wonder how to meet my twins' needs.

The thing I've noticed is, they're not the same. It's enough to make a person crazy, but it's also a blessing.

As an example, I used to rock my dd every night, while ds fell asleep in the crib (the rocking chair was in their room). When they invariably woke up, I'd take one or both of them into bed w/us, but for putting them to sleep the crib was essential. And my dd absolutely had to be rocked to sleep, every single night. Ds fell asleep on his own without a struggle, sometimes watching me rock his sister.

I felt somewhat guilty about this, until I noticed that my ds was getting his needs met differently -- that boy has to have a good tickling roughhouse at least once a day. I play w/dd too, obviously, and even moreso now that they're a physical 18 mos; but ds needs his special attention.

I'm willing to bet that you do a lot w/each of your children to meet their individual needs. Your 3-yr-old probably needs that cuddling time alone w/mommy; I can just imagine the extra attention your adorable twins get from strangers every time you leave the house. As a first-born, I can tell you the pressure on the oldest child is rough (check out "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman).

By keeping your relationship with your oldest strong, I'd bet you're making the best choice. If he's insecure, that can throw everyone out of whack while he demands even more attention. Are you planning to enroll him in preschool?
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#3 of 10 Old 08-01-2005, 04:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Tristan will not be going to preschool. He does get some time away from the family frequently by spending weekends with Grandma. I use this time to give the twins more attention. But the funny thing is how much they miss HIM! They dont seem to care that they get more of me during those times!!
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#4 of 10 Old 08-01-2005, 05:16 PM
 
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My twins are the oldest, and when our baby was born, I was afraid that they would get very jealous because they were such mama's boys. They were even out-of-town when Alex was born and I thought them coming back to see that he was there would be hard. On the contrary!

I wasn't able to breastfeed the twins because they were 13 weeks early and I didn't have any milk yet. I did get to enjoy breastfeeding Alex and really enjoyed that bonding time. I also did some cosleeping with Alex because I was breastfeeding him.

I found that the twins were more content with each other, even when Alex wasn't in the picture. I did, and still do, spend time with each of them by themselves, but find that the twins are more content to play with each other. And even when I spend a little extra time with Alex, they don't seem to mind.

With the twins going to preschool next month, I will obviously need to spend more time with Alex becasue he's known nothing but he and his brothers for 2 1/2 yrs and it will be a big adjustment for him. I think you'll find that the twins will occupy and entertain each other. I wouldn't worry to much about feeling like you are neglecting them
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#5 of 10 Old 08-01-2005, 05:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh they are much more satisfied with each other! But it still breaks my heart a little.
For example, I have toyed with the idea of cosleeping with one once in a while, but I cant bear to leave the other alone without his/her twin.
With cosleeping, babywearing, nursing. Having a second baby required that I often put my individual relationship with each of them behind their relationship with each other. (couldnt babywear one while getting my housework done and leave the other alone. SO I didnt wear either at home. cant sleep with both, so Idont sleep with either. And they almost always tandem nurse, because I would have to take one twin out of the room and away from the other to nurse him or her alone.)
I guess they are happy and it is pointless to expect that they need me as much as a singleton would.
Joline
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#6 of 10 Old 09-14-2005, 10:06 PM
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Don't feel bad. You have to do what you have to do. I'm a single mom of twins and I do not co-sleep. I will bring them (or one) into bed with me, but not to sleep. I need at least some time to be alone even if I'm sleeping while I'm being alone. LOL..

I'm still nursing them together at 20 mos. so that's our main cuddle time together but during the day what I do is just get down on the floor and play with them. They come running over to wrestle and lay on top of me or do what ever they want. I call them my two little piggies. Remember they do have each other AND you, so they have more than your singleton baby had, right?
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#7 of 10 Old 09-15-2005, 10:45 AM
 
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I am always obsessing over the balance of time and affection between my twin girls! (20 mo. old) I have come to accept that I probably always will, and I just try to do my best. It is hard, though... it seems that I am always battling with my own head over some unfounded guilt-trip!

What are your twins' sleeping arrangements? Are they in beds or cribs? Or do they share a bed? Maybe you could initiate some AM snuggle time in their room (you and ds go in there in the mornings) or have snuggle time in your bed with them in the morning when playing is OK... :
I think my favorite thing about co-sleeping isn't falling asleep together, but waking up together!

I do not have an older toddler,too... that must be hard at times. Many times when I was feeling guilty about not having enough 1 on 1 time with someone, I realized that I was actually just feeling bad for myself, because they were obviously so happy and content!! : :

Brooke: a glass~blowin' hand~drummin' tree~huggin' home~birthin' earth~lovin' goddess~mama of 3!
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#8 of 10 Old 09-25-2005, 12:57 AM
 
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I have certainly noticed a difference in our family. It made me really sad, but then I realized that they get so much of what they need from each other. I was (still am) kinda the third wheel in their little world.

Nap times were my favorite times (after age 3). we'd all lay down together and they'd talk to my (trying to stay awake)
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#9 of 10 Old 09-25-2005, 08:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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THey LOVE to come in my room and have their morning nursing session in my bed. (used to be lying on their floor) Now ds will grab the easy2nurse pillow and say "nurse mama bed". Or on weekends sometimes daddy will just go and get them and bring them into our bed for our morning cuddle and nurse.
They currently sleep in toddler beds (or in a heap of baby on the floor) in their room together.
Joline
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#10 of 10 Old 09-26-2005, 12:06 AM
 
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Just wanted to say I know how you feel - I've been really bummed on this topic lately myself. The Yahoo APMultiples board has had a lot of discussion on this topic recently. There are a lot of multiples moms on that board (me included) that feel a pressing desire to have another baby (against all reason!)-- sort of a chance to do everything with a new baby that we wish we could do with the multiples.

There are soo many awesome things about multiples . . . . . but this is one of the harder ones, IMO.

No sage advice -- but One thing that makes me feel better is that I know it is much harder on me, then them.

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
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