Please, I need gentle support here - I'm feeling the baby blues badly, and need some support from other twin mamas who are nursing.
Molly and Sam were born at 36w4d on August 13th - she was 6 lb 3 oz, he was 5 lb 14 oz. Both were luckily healthy enough to go home. I started them on the breast immediately after my emergency c-section (we'd been planning a vaginal birth the whole time during my very uneventful pregnancy, then woke that morning to severe bleeding - little boy's placenta abrupted. Luckily it happened, however, as Sam managed to knot his cord into a double knotted braid - I kid you not - and the labor might have killed him. Everything happens for a reason i guess! My doula said he pulled the "rip cord" to let people know he needed help
!)
My hospital was FANTASTIC! They needed to supplement with a bit of sugar water to get their blood sugar up in the beginning, but never gave them anything without our direct consent. Sam needed some formula supp in the hospital, but I requested that they let me express colostrum into the nipple first, which they gave him before the formula. We had round the clock nurse and lac consult care, which REALLY helped.
They both had jaundice - Sam had it especially badly - but even then, he was in a tanning bed in our room with us, neither spent much time in the nursery at all. But, due to the jaundice and my milk not being quite in, both had to be supped with formula to move the bad stuff out of their system by getting them to pee and poop.
We found an excellent ped who is completely pro-boob, and is working with us to get their weight up (both lost a lot, as is typical) while at the same time reducing the amount of formula they are on until they are on breast milk only.
We've had all kinds of issues and have been working with a lac consultant to overcome them - latching, weak sucking, we've rented a scale to know how much milk the're getting at each feeding (generally they get 1-2.5 oz per feed).
Our current schedule is 7am-10pm, they eat every 2 to 2 1/2 hours (if we see them rooting, we feed earlier) one on bottle with formula, one on breast. Then they go every four hours at night from 10pm-7am (same caveat, if they wake hungry, we feed them earlier) also one on bottle, one on breast.
We are now in the process of transitioning them, one feeding at a time to both being breast fed - every two days, one bottle feed will become a breast feeding until, finally, all feedings are breast.
My problem? I adore these kids but am getting not one ounce of pleasure from breast feeding. I hate feeling this way - I'm ashamed, feeling the blues like I never imagined. And yet, when I see them eating formula (especially my boy, who clearly does not feel well eating the stuff, we just switched him to soy because the milk-base was making him sick and the soy has corn syrup solids in it - UGH!!!), it makes me want to cry.
I'm torn between feeling completely shitty breastfeeding and completely shitty about the formula. I know I have to do this for them, I know it - and that just adds to the pressure and makes it worse.
I'm sorry for opening up this cauldron and hope I can find comfort and words of encouragement here despite my need to supplement until now. The supp did help, both kids have made back their birth weight (and he has surpassed it and now weight 6 lbs 4 oz) in just two weeks.
Despite how crappy I feel, I have no intention of stopping. I just need to hear this gets better, easier, more enjoyable so I can feel close to my babies and not just feel that I'm doing a "chore."
Thanks for reading this incredibly long post.
Molly and Sam were born at 36w4d on August 13th - she was 6 lb 3 oz, he was 5 lb 14 oz. Both were luckily healthy enough to go home. I started them on the breast immediately after my emergency c-section (we'd been planning a vaginal birth the whole time during my very uneventful pregnancy, then woke that morning to severe bleeding - little boy's placenta abrupted. Luckily it happened, however, as Sam managed to knot his cord into a double knotted braid - I kid you not - and the labor might have killed him. Everything happens for a reason i guess! My doula said he pulled the "rip cord" to let people know he needed help
My hospital was FANTASTIC! They needed to supplement with a bit of sugar water to get their blood sugar up in the beginning, but never gave them anything without our direct consent. Sam needed some formula supp in the hospital, but I requested that they let me express colostrum into the nipple first, which they gave him before the formula. We had round the clock nurse and lac consult care, which REALLY helped.
They both had jaundice - Sam had it especially badly - but even then, he was in a tanning bed in our room with us, neither spent much time in the nursery at all. But, due to the jaundice and my milk not being quite in, both had to be supped with formula to move the bad stuff out of their system by getting them to pee and poop.
We found an excellent ped who is completely pro-boob, and is working with us to get their weight up (both lost a lot, as is typical) while at the same time reducing the amount of formula they are on until they are on breast milk only.
We've had all kinds of issues and have been working with a lac consultant to overcome them - latching, weak sucking, we've rented a scale to know how much milk the're getting at each feeding (generally they get 1-2.5 oz per feed).
Our current schedule is 7am-10pm, they eat every 2 to 2 1/2 hours (if we see them rooting, we feed earlier) one on bottle with formula, one on breast. Then they go every four hours at night from 10pm-7am (same caveat, if they wake hungry, we feed them earlier) also one on bottle, one on breast.
We are now in the process of transitioning them, one feeding at a time to both being breast fed - every two days, one bottle feed will become a breast feeding until, finally, all feedings are breast.
My problem? I adore these kids but am getting not one ounce of pleasure from breast feeding. I hate feeling this way - I'm ashamed, feeling the blues like I never imagined. And yet, when I see them eating formula (especially my boy, who clearly does not feel well eating the stuff, we just switched him to soy because the milk-base was making him sick and the soy has corn syrup solids in it - UGH!!!), it makes me want to cry.
I'm torn between feeling completely shitty breastfeeding and completely shitty about the formula. I know I have to do this for them, I know it - and that just adds to the pressure and makes it worse.
I'm sorry for opening up this cauldron and hope I can find comfort and words of encouragement here despite my need to supplement until now. The supp did help, both kids have made back their birth weight (and he has surpassed it and now weight 6 lbs 4 oz) in just two weeks.
Despite how crappy I feel, I have no intention of stopping. I just need to hear this gets better, easier, more enjoyable so I can feel close to my babies and not just feel that I'm doing a "chore."
Thanks for reading this incredibly long post.