Adopting twins - Is this a crazy idea? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 01-16-2006, 01:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My dh and I are planning to start the adoption process this summer to adopt an infant from Ethiopia. One of the questions that has come up while we are researching agencies is if we would accept a twins referral. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about this. We have 2 bio girls age 5 and 2 who will probably be 6 and 3 at the time of adoption. While the novelty factor of twins is, I think, a draw to most people who don't actually have twins... I really don't know the reality of life with twins.

I like the idea of our adopted child having a sibling that is blood related to him/her and who will look like them (in the being of the same race issue, not an identical twin thing). It's not likely, at this point, that we would adopt a fourth child in another independent adoption; although we are not opposed to the idea of four kids, 2 separate adoptions is very cost prohibitive. We are not open to other sibling groups at this time mostly due to age issues and not upsetting the birth order of our bio children. But, wow, twins just seems crazy. I have had two bio children so I know how much work one child can be and I'm trying to picture that doubled.

Dh and I can say we are open to twins and be referred only one child... but if we say no twins then that's it. I should add that the age of the infants can be anywhere from 3 months to 14 months at time of adoption.

So, experienced moms of multiples...if you had the choice, would you voluntarily have twins? What are somethings dh and I should be thinking about? What are the pros vs cons of adding twins to a family? Please help dh and I figure out what things we should be considering as we sort through how we feel about this and what is best for our family.

Thanks!

Mom to dd1 7/00 reading.gif, dd2 12/03 upsidedown.gif, and ds 2/07 afro.jpg - home forever 9/07
In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul. -Lisa T. Shepherd
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#2 of 7 Old 01-16-2006, 02:32 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SpringRain
So, experienced moms of multiples...if you had the choice, would you voluntarily have twins? What are somethings dh and I should be thinking about? What are the pros vs cons of adding twins to a family? Please help dh and I figure out what things we should be considering as we sort through how we feel about this and what is best for our family.
I don't have anything to add here since my DD is an only. But as the aunt of twins, may I just say that you are SO SMART to be asking these questions in advance.

Best of luck in your decision.

wild.gif  kickin' it old school
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#3 of 7 Old 01-16-2006, 02:58 AM
 
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If you were having a baby in the traditional way you wouldn't plan for twins but you would enthusiastically embrace them both!
I think that parenting through adoption is the same way.
Or if you were not going with an international adoption but with an open adoptoin and the pregnant mom learned she was havnig twins after you had agreed to adopt her baby, you would likely feel that they were already your twins and raise them both without batting an eyelash.
I think that if you were willing to adopt a child, it is reasonable to go about it with the same open mind as if you were getting pregnant again.
Many of us got pg with our third and last child only to end up with four.
And I dont know how many people indicate they woudl not be willing to accept twins or if twin placement is difficult but I woudl think it a great blessing to any set of twins to be adopted together by a loving couple.

So no, I dont think it is crazy to indicate a willingness to adopt twins, any more crazy than to be willing to give birth to twins even though you were planning on only conceiving one.

Good luck and many blessings on your adoption journey,
Joline
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#4 of 7 Old 01-16-2006, 03:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by johub
If you were having a baby in the traditional way you wouldn't plan for twins but you would enthusiastically embrace them both!
I think that parenting through adoption is the same way.

I think that if you were willing to adopt a child, it is reasonable to go about it with the same open mind as if you were getting pregnant again.
Joline, thanks for your reply. I understand what you are saying. It should be the same, and I always thought that it would be, but I'm finding out that it's really not the same at all. We have had to really think about many issues that had not really occurred to me before we started this process. What sex of child we would like (we don't really care, but what program you chose really affects this, IE. the China program is 95% girls), race, disabilities, age, etc. These are all things that don't enter into the equation when you are having a bio child. I would certainly embrace any child born to me no matter what or how many...but I wouldn't necessarily choose to have a severely handicapped child if given the choice. (we would have to move because we don't have ready access to good health care for example)

Now, I'm in no way saying that having twins is like having a handicapped child or is anything but a blessing to the family. I've just found that with adoption, you have to go into every decision with your eyes and heart open. We will have to sit down several times with a social worker and discuss these things. She will ask us why we want twins, are we capable of raising them, do we know what we are getting into. Plus I have lurked on this board long enough to know that while twins are a huge blessing, they are also a huge amount of work. That the moms here tend to feel like they have to sacrifice some of their AP principals while trying to meet the needs of two babies.

I know that not one mom would say "if I could do it all again, I wouldn't have my babies", I'm just hoping for some insight from all of you who been there. What advice would you give your best friend in this case? What things should we be considering, that having never been there, we can't know about. We want to make an informed decision. I'm thinking that this may be an unfair thing to ask moms of multiples, because they didn't have a choice... please forgive me if this is an insensitive post.

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#5 of 7 Old 01-16-2006, 11:53 AM
 
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I'll tell you about the experience of a close friend of mine. If you put "open" to twins - I'd expect twins. The odds aren't the same as being surprised by nature in the "traditional way"

Her experience was bringing her newly adopted children back to the states, and growing increasingly suspect of an age difference between the "twins". She thought about twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome and how one twin may absolutely be smaller, or reach milestones differently. So they were never really sure till her pediatrician guessed 10-12 months difference in their age. She declined to test her children to see if they were siblings at all, or two unrelated children - she preferred to believe they were "Irish twins" - siblings born immediately after each other and someone kindhearted at her agency wanted the siblings to go together. People are more charmed by the notion of "twins" than close-in-age siblings.

I have no idea how often this happens. But thought I'd throw it out there as something to think about.
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#6 of 7 Old 01-16-2006, 03:43 PM
 
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To the PP who mentioned that if you are willing to adopt twins, you should probably expect them does really paint a different picture.
After all, those of us who have twins the natural way the chance of it happenning is quite low and it is a surprise. But if the chance of getting twins if you indicate a willingness to adopt twins is so much higher (because of how many dont want to) it is certainly worthy the extra consideration.
I still think that twins are a double blessing though and if I were considering adoption, I would definitely indicate a willingness to adopt twins, but I am certainly biased by my experience.
I do understand that in the adoption process they make it more complicated and they almost make you overthink every possible scenario.
I Think that the true answer though is in your heart and not something that can be reasoned through.

Joline
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#7 of 7 Old 01-16-2006, 05:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johub
I Think that the true answer though is in your heart and not something that can be reasoned through.

Joline
I agree with you. It is hard to stop the doubts and just listen to what your heart tells you. Dh and I don't agree about this right now so that makes it more difficult.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kincaid
Her experience was bringing her newly adopted children back to the states, and growing increasingly suspect of an age difference between the "twins". She thought about twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome and how one twin may absolutely be smaller, or reach milestones differently. So they were never really sure till her pediatrician guessed 10-12 months difference in their age.
Thanks for sharing that...I will defiantly keep that in mind.

Mom to dd1 7/00 reading.gif, dd2 12/03 upsidedown.gif, and ds 2/07 afro.jpg - home forever 9/07
In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul. -Lisa T. Shepherd
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