AP and twins - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 23 Old 03-12-2006, 03:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
redwolf2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: anxiously awaiting autumn
Posts: 676
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am AP mom with twins. I am finding it almost impossible. I can't respond as quickly to the babies as I would like to. My dd is 2.5 and the time I have with her is limited as well. I have alot of guilt when the babies are crying and I just can't keep up with it.

I never used a paci with my daughter b/c I COULD nurse her all the time and meet her needs. I would have never given them one but they were given one in the NICU (to learn how to suck and develop their muscles) Only one of the twins likes it. (thank god!) But I feel I use it too much. I sling and nurse and co-sleep but I always feel one of them doesn't fully have their mother. ie: When we co-sleep I have one next to me and the other is on the otherside of their brother. The one that won't take a paci gets more cuddle nurse time then the other. How do I make the time even? ANd then I have my sweet dd who went from extremely attached to "Hold on Honey I have to nurse/hold/bounce your brothers"

The reality is sometimes they have to cry and it breaks my heart. But how to come to terms with this and step away from the guilt and move on to be a good mom?

HAs anyone had these feelings and dealt with them? I feel twin moms have a much different aproach to AP'ing (they have to) And I need some ideas. Thanks!

namaste
redwolf2 is offline  
#2 of 23 Old 03-12-2006, 04:32 PM
 
LIZnCHAD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Iowa
Posts: 147
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't have a whole lot of advice as I'm not a twin mom yet, but I just wanted to say that being AP doesn't mean that you have to be the sole one to comfort and protect your little ones. That's what a family is for. So while one twin is right next to you, and the other one is on the other side of his brother, remember that he is not alone...he's cuddling with his brother AND the rest of the family. Hang in there mama.
LIZnCHAD is offline  
#3 of 23 Old 03-12-2006, 05:37 PM
 
mama_at_home's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 2,714
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
nak

Don't really have much advice but you are not alone! I often feel this way but we can only do our best, right? You are just one person and if 3 babies need you at once, someone has to wait. That is just how it is. I wish my babies would take pacis but they hate them! I often feel guilty that I cannot give any of my kids 100% attention, but I try not to dwell on it. If I wanted that then I would have just had an only child. Even then, if your "only child" is multiples you can't change that. My twins cry more often than my singleton did because sometimes I cannot get to everyone at once. It makes me sad but I just give them my all when I can. My babies are on somewhat different schedules and I like that so I can spend some one-on-one time with each one. When they are both sleeping or when dh is home I try to devote as much time to my toddler as possible. We had a very rough time with my toddler but things are getting soooo much better. When dh gets home he watches the babies and we have bath time. I sit in the bathroom with him while he plays in the bath for an hour or so and we talk and play games. Sometimes I bring a baby in with me to nurse. I guess I am just rambling but you will find support her. Only other mommies of multiples can understand each other. You are doing a great job!

Blessed mama of four
::
mama_at_home is offline  
#4 of 23 Old 03-12-2006, 07:19 PM
 
ibejimother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: upstate NY
Posts: 52
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It does sound like you are doing a great job. We have all been there!
You're right twin Moms do have to have a somewhat different approach to AP.
ibejimother is offline  
#5 of 23 Old 03-12-2006, 11:51 PM
 
royaloakmi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,369
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You sound like a great mom! I think most (all?) of us have dealt with this kind of guilt . .

What I realized is that I can only do my best to respond to their needs. It's never perfect, but it's the best I can do and who can ask more than that?

And things will never be "fair" or "even". Babies' needs are not exactly the same. So if your son with the paci is happy that way while you're attending to his brother, that's great!

Hang in there! The first months are crazy and you sound like you're doing great.
royaloakmi is offline  
#6 of 23 Old 03-13-2006, 12:22 AM
 
sarahloughmiller's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1,100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Like everyone else said, you can only do your best and you can not possibly meet everyones needs at once. It is just not humanly possible sometimes when you need to nurse one, change one and play action figures with your toddler. You just do your best and know that you are doing what you can. It will get easier soon also. My twins are 6 months and it is not easy at all, but it is getting much easier now that they are happy to play on the floor a little more. They roll around and have lots of fun They are also getting more entertained by their big brother and that is helping also.

Hang in there, it is so hard to be needed by so many babies :
sarahloughmiller is offline  
#7 of 23 Old 03-13-2006, 03:59 AM
 
Justmee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: In the kitchen
Posts: 3,580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by redwolf2
The reality is sometimes they have to cry and it breaks my heart. But how to come to terms with this and step away from the guilt and move on to be a good mom?

HAs anyone had these feelings and dealt with them? I feel twin moms have a much different aproach to AP'ing (they have to) And I need some ideas. Thanks!

namaste
Yes, I have had those feelings but I think having twins first really shocks you into reality. I remember plenty of times when Rena was chilling and comfort nursing and I would hear a shriek from teh other room which meant Nechama woke up spitting up. Well I just had to put her down and say be right back. Yeah, she cried. No, I didn't like it, but what could I do? Everyone with more than 1 child has this, it's just that I never had 1 child to compare it to. My neighbor is having a heck of a time with her dd (2.5) adjusting to the fact that she's not the only one anymore, ad her ds is over 1 already!

I found the time until they were moblie was the hardest. Once they got moble they were a lot happier and there was less of the "I'm crying because I want you to hold me and nurse me but you can't because my sister has a dirty diaper"

Mom to:

Three big girls  twins.gif (10) + joy.gif (almost 9!); 

One little boy ROTFLMAO.gif(6) and a full on toddler diaper.gif  (8/12) born with TAPVR heartbeat.gif (repaired at 6 days old).

Justmee is offline  
#8 of 23 Old 03-13-2006, 10:25 AM
 
lexbeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Northampton, MA
Posts: 5,057
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think we all struggle with this, and especially those of us who have had a single baby first and know what it is to AP one baby. But I think even moms who only have singletons find that AP is different the second time around. You can't *always* respond to the baby immediately when you have another child, be it a twin sibling, or a toddler sibling. Of course, having twins makes it all the more difficult since you have three kids who, in an ideal situation, would ALL get their needs met immediately. Instead, they all have to wait.

I think in general, Attachment Parenting is an "easier" kind of parenting because there's no worry about feeding schedules, or fussy babies in strollers, or getting up in the middle of the night to go to the baby's crib. You just have your baby in a sling and nurse when the baby is hungry, and co-sleep and nurse through your sleep. But with twins, I think AP is actually in some ways harder than "detachment parenting" because we show our babies that we are their comfort and that we will always be there for them, and then we have to struggle to live up to that.

There were some things that I ended up doing that I never thought I would do, such as using wind-up baby swings in the first few months, and a stroller starting around 5 months. It all got SO much easier around six months when they no longer needed their needs met immediately. A six-month-old can be easily entertained while you change his/her twin's diaper, and tandem nursing is easy then too since both babies can support themselves while nursing. You can start to easily put one baby on your back and one on your front, and lie between your babies at night, rolling back and forth between them to nurse.

I also had one baby who *needed* to be cuddled, nursed, slept with (on my chest) more than the other, and I really struggled with feeling like I was being unfair to the less needy twin. But I realized that with time, they would both go through phases of needing me more, and that it all balances out eventually.

Right now you are experiencing the very hardest time of attachment parenting twins. It is so hard to feel as though you are getting used to hearing your babies cry. It is also really hard because at this point your babies aren't really getting much out of being twins, they are just losing attention from you. I still mourn the loss of getting to have my babies one at a time, but have also come to truly LOVE having twins and I can see that there are now more benefits for them than drawbacks due to being twins.

HTH!

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
lexbeach is offline  
#9 of 23 Old 03-13-2006, 10:44 AM
 
MaterBum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 447
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It is a tough thing to have three needing you...and they always need you at the same time!

You've already gotten great advice. I agree that remembering that the 2 babies are 2 individuals with different needs is key to keeping your sanity. And being "fair" does not mean everything has to be done the same for both. Being fair is doing your best to meet their needs as individuals. After all, it wouldn't be *fair* to remove the paci from the other twin and put him/her next to you because it made you feel better, right ? Could you put a twin on each side of you in bed if that would make all of you more happy?

Hang in there! It does get so much better! My b/g twins are 9 1/2 months now and very mobile (my ddtwin is walking, yes, walking already ) and her brother is crusing furniture like a pro. Now my toddler enjoys them much more and *wants* to play with them instead of complain about them.

"We think we're gliding down the highway when in fact we're slip sliding away." Paul Simon
DD-7 & B-G twins, 5
MaterBum is offline  
#10 of 23 Old 03-13-2006, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
redwolf2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: anxiously awaiting autumn
Posts: 676
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you for the reassurance and ideas! I can always count on this forum for a boost! We are all doing our best and I know our children will think back and appreciate all the sacrifices we have made.

Most twin moms I know have told me it gets harder as they get older. I would think it gets easier when they are more able to entertain themselves.

Thanks again for the great advice and hugs.
right back at ya!

namaste
redwolf2 is offline  
#11 of 23 Old 03-13-2006, 02:35 PM
 
LittleYellow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 613
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by redwolf2
Most twin moms I know have told me it gets harder as they get older. I would think it gets easier when they are more able to entertain themselves.

I was thinking that it would get easier too ...

I think:

non mobile baby = always wants holding = unhappy babe when mom is with twin = one crying baby = sad mommy

mobile baby = more entertained baby = happy baby = happy mommy



Maybe other twin moms think:

non-mobile baby = stays in one place (esp in swings, watching videos) = less work for mom = happer mom

mobile baby = moves about = more work for mom = less happy mom


LittleYellow is offline  
#12 of 23 Old 03-13-2006, 03:40 PM
 
CajunMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: nakX2- sweating to death
Posts: 1,595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Redwolf- I could have written your post.

I'm having a tough time coming to terms with becoming a 3 child parent from a 1 child parent. BF twins is hard, not just physically, but emotionally. I'm in the middle of a twin growth spurt( they are 6w) and last night I almost lost it. It is so hard to be needed and pulled in so many directions and not be able to respond like you would like. My version of AP has definitely changed LOL My twins use pacis too sometimes and that was new for me too.

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to give you a hug, and say that I'm right there with ya.
CajunMama is offline  
#13 of 23 Old 03-14-2006, 12:05 AM
 
GeezerMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 313
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yep, BTDT. Only I didn't have a toddler in addition to my twins - hats off to you, mama!

I agree completely w/the PPs who said their needs aren't identical - so true. My dd was a really fussy baby, my ds much more content. She got held more as a result; he'd often fall asleep watching me rock her. I felt terrible about it, but wasn't much I could do, I was just glad he was such an easy sleeper.

Now at age 2, their needs have shifted dramatically. DS is the one who needs extra TLC, while dd is more outgoing. And I don't think it's b/c I didn't do "enough" for him before - they're just different.

When I was co-sleeping w/my twins, I had them both laying perpendicular to me, with their feet (or heads, depending on the weather) near my leg. Not quite as cozy, but it kept them nearby.

At the hospital I remember a wise nurse telling me that she advises all new moms to take it "one day at a time"; for moms of multiples, she adjusts it to one hour at a time.

Miss Vicki Iovine (the Girlfriends books) maintains that motherhood isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

Pace yourself.
GeezerMom is offline  
#14 of 23 Old 03-16-2006, 02:47 AM
 
TripMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: California
Posts: 1,461
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
IMHO - anyone parenting more than 1 kid has this issue. Clashing needs. Someone has to wait. Its a reality. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't AP because your twin was crying while you finished his brothers bath? Parents of singleton siblings deal with it too.

Whoever said being AP meant you childrens needs were always met 100% of the time, on time? Its ludicrous - and its literally impossible if you have more than 1.

And as for crying - why is it all bad? Babies can't talk. Its how they communicate their emotions and feelings when they don't have words. My triplets cry every morning if I don't get breakfast fixed for them quick enough? DS cries when I put the baby locks on the kitchen cabinets so he won't pinch his fingers? I mean - its not all bad? Its normal. And even big kids with words use crying as a frequent method of expression (don't we all know it!). I would be way more worried if my kids just sat there docile to the world never showing any strong emotion . . . . .

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
TripMom is offline  
#15 of 23 Old 03-16-2006, 02:53 AM
 
TripMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: California
Posts: 1,461
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
And speaking of pinching your fingers in kitchen cabinets . . . here is the photographic evidence . . . .

http://www.flickr.com/photos/doien/1...n/photostream/

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
TripMom is offline  
#16 of 23 Old 03-16-2006, 04:02 AM
 
AmyY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,202
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
[QUOTE=TripMom] Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't AP because your twin was crying while you finished his brothers bath/QUOTE]

Yeah that. I lived under the belief that I was only an AP-wannabe until my LLL Leader (bless her bless her bless her bless her!) made a casual observation about me being an AP mom, just as if I already knew it. The girls were already four months old. Changed my whole point of view.

to you!
AmyY is offline  
#17 of 23 Old 03-16-2006, 01:50 PM
 
Ellie'sMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Foundation of the Gator Nation
Posts: 1,703
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think it really helps to hang out with other twin mamas. Most of my friends are 1st time mamas to singletons and it is so easy to slip into comparing myself to them. This thread has really boosted my spirits. Thanks!

Trying to get my bearings...
Ellie'sMom is offline  
#18 of 23 Old 03-16-2006, 01:52 PM
 
Ellie'sMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Foundation of the Gator Nation
Posts: 1,703
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
oh, and Tripmom, your kids are gorgeous!!

Trying to get my bearings...
Ellie'sMom is offline  
#19 of 23 Old 03-16-2006, 02:17 PM
 
mama_at_home's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 2,714
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
: Gorgeous, beautiful children!

Blessed mama of four
::
mama_at_home is offline  
#20 of 23 Old 03-16-2006, 02:41 PM
 
TripMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: California
Posts: 1,461
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
for the compliments on my Q-Ts!

We should start a thread posting our babes pics - it would be fun to see all the multiples out there!

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
TripMom is offline  
#21 of 23 Old 03-16-2006, 03:18 PM
 
mama_at_home's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 2,714
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think baileybunch started one. My pics are in my siggy.

Blessed mama of four
::
mama_at_home is offline  
#22 of 23 Old 03-16-2006, 07:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
redwolf2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: anxiously awaiting autumn
Posts: 676
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by TripMom
IMHO - anyone parenting more than 1 kid has this issue. Clashing needs. Someone has to wait. Its a reality. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't AP because your twin was crying while you finished his brothers bath? Parents of singleton siblings deal with it too.

Whoever said being AP meant you childrens needs were always met 100% of the time, on time? Its ludicrous - and its literally impossible if you have more than 1.

And as for crying - why is it all bad? Babies can't talk. Its how they communicate their emotions and feelings when they don't have words. My triplets cry every morning if I don't get breakfast fixed for them quick enough? DS cries when I put the baby locks on the kitchen cabinets so he won't pinch his fingers? I mean - its not all bad? Its normal. And even big kids with words use crying as a frequent method of expression (don't we all know it!). I would be way more worried if my kids just sat there docile to the world never showing any strong emotion . . . . .

Very good points. That puts things in a much better perspective, thanks.

Beautiful babes tripmom!
redwolf2 is offline  
#23 of 23 Old 03-17-2006, 06:33 PM
 
kangamom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: MT
Posts: 251
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dh has expressed this to me, and I get really irritated at him for it. Our ds has been much more high-needs than dd. Consequently, he ends up getting more sling time and boobie time. But, it doesn't make dd's needs any less important. I read a chapter in Karen Gromeda's "Mothering Multiples" that really helped me feel better. It said basically that twins are not equals. They are not one baby with two heads. They are siblings born at the same time. If they had been born seprately, they would still have to wait sometimes. They have different needs at different times (or sometimes the same time) and we meet them to the best of our ability. When Livie cries, I am there. I have actually learned to trust her much more than her brother in her ability to communicate her needs to me.

To me "AP" is a label that doesn't mean that we fill out the required "AP" shopping list. To me it means that I raise my kids as compassionately as I can, and part of that includes taking into accout my own needs and limitations. I push my babies in a stroller because my back is too sore to sling them together. I learned through my experiences tandem nursing my older dds, and accept that I am very sensitive to having babies physically attached to me 100% of time. So I supplement them with bottles which allows me a break when I most need it during the day. By prioritizing my own needs and selecting the ones that are most vital to my personal sanity, I feel that I am handling this whole twin thing much better than I had anticipated.
kangamom is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off