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Old 06-24-2006, 03:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Please do not flame me, I am struggling excruciatingly, and am crying as I type.

As I posted a few days ago, I just learned that I am pregnant with twins. We were *trying* for a third/last, and as with all pregs, used clomid, as I do not ovulate (or menstruate) on my own. We had been trying since january, and just this month I became at peace with having 2, and this being our last month of ttc. I actually started to look forward to all the things that would be easier about having 2. Then the stick said +. I subsequntly had some severe ovarian pain, so went in for an u/s where they saw two huge cysts. I went in two days ago for an u/s to see if that indeed meant 2 implantations, and there are. I am 6 wks (4 wks post conception). The twins will be fraternal.

I have been heartsick, sleepless, filled with dread, regretul, and devastated by what I would lose both if I keep the pregnancy and if I terminate. I do NOT want 4 (then why did we try for 3 with clomid? b/c I did not imagine feeling this way. I did not sit down and make lists of what I would gain/lose, I just thought; we can handle 4 if it happens). Turns out, I dont want to handle 4. I dont want to be swamped by kids for the next three years. Im scared to death of that first 12 mos, given how hard the first year was with the two I have (bad ppd), Im scared of how much more our lives will be consumed with the kids for the rest of my life, and what will happen to me. Im scared of being less of a parent than I want, and I think I have oretty high standards; I just dont know if I could meet those standards with 4, and if I did, would I resent that I was giving all of me away. I know that raising kids is *for me*, but its not all I want, and with 4 somehow I imagine it being much more of all I get. I hope this doesnt sound selfish, I am trying to be true to what I know about myself (one wise thing Dh always says is people make bad decisions when they dont know themselves well, and I fear that is how I got here, so Im trying to be baldly honest with myself).

I will be 37 shortly after the twins arrive. Dh is a resident, and will finish when the twins are 18mos. He works at least 80 hrs/week. I have raised dd and ds mostly on my own through med school and now residency. We have NEVER shared night duties (I think he' gotten up twice in the 4 years of having these two), becuase he cant. He works alot and then he needs to study. He is an amazing father!!! Incredibly present and joyous with the kids, and a great back-up to me, so when the med training is over, it will be MUCH better. Our families both live 1500 miles away, and we make very little money (thinking about hiring *help*) until that 18 mos.

On one hand I think *I can do it*. Just buckle down, do WHATEVER I need to do to get through those 18 mos. These are our babies. We would have a big messy family, and each pair of kids would have a buddy. The love for them is already growing. On the other hand, HOW can I do it. Ive read the other threads about ppd, and getting 2 hrs sleep, and neglecting older sibs. I foresee having NO time or energy to be present for the two I have, for that first year certainly. I will MISS them terribly. I will miss myself - I just got myself back two months ago (ds is 18 mos) and Im enjoying it ! I just feel so overwhelmed, I cant keep one consistent feeling for 2 minutes. Not to mention I have m/s already so feel like hell. This whole thing has just been miserable, and it should be such a great joy.

Dh wants to keep the preg, but more importantly, wants to keep my sanity and happiness. We dont believe that life technically begins this early, but the life you project onto the little ones sure does, so no answer is comforting. I feel trapppppped, and imagine feeling this way at least until the twins are 3. Maybe always?

Has anyone been here? Did any of you struggle with this? Everyone says *doble blessing* but that means very little to me. I feel double burdened, and double guilty, and double stupid, and double sad : Thanks for listenbing and understanding and your thoughts, if you have any

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Old 06-24-2006, 03:54 PM
 
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I don't have much time, but wanted to respond to you briefly. I found out only at 30 weeks pg that I was going to have twins. I definitely felt some of what you are feeling....I don't want this, I can't do this, etc. Pg hormones always make me flip flop emotions anyway. Even for the first month or so after I had the boys I kept saying, this is hard, this is not what I wanted, not what I planned, I did not ask for this! And it is hard. And my dd has been hurt by their arrival. But it would have been hard to add one child, as well. Different, I'm sure, but still a challenge.

My sons are only 3 months old, so I have not been doing this too long still. But the main thing I wanted to say to you is that if you do decide to continue on, I am sure that you are going to love those babies!! Will it be hard? yes Will it be a huge adjustment for your entire family? yes Will it be worth it in the long run? I think so. But you need to come to peace with what you want for your family.
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Old 06-24-2006, 04:05 PM
 
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I had two children 4 and 2 when I had my twins. We were planning for one last child too. And during the early stage of that pregnancy, my older two who were 3 and 1 during the pregnancy started getting more challenging. Dh and I actually said if something were to happen to that pregnancy, we may not try again and just be happy with our two.

Then we found out we were having twins. For us, we were shocked and worried, etc but were also elated.

So i did not go to the point you are, but did have many doubts, still do. But I also want to share that I LOVE having my four. And i am now very happy with having four vs three (obviously not a slam to those with three). I worried less about my older two not having as much of my attention because of the babies, because they had each other. It was amazing to see them bond and entertain each other so much. And i do not worry about them feeling too left out of the twin bond the boys have because they have a 'partner' of sorts as well.

There are drawbacks, challenges, and rough times. Sure, the hard things would be cut by two if we didn't have the twins, but the good things are doubled and somehow multiplied further by having them

You must do what is right for your family. But I wanted to share the perspective of someone with two kids, planning only a third, who was surprised by twins and am happy with the results.
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Old 06-24-2006, 04:37 PM
 
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I want to share a ((HUG))

Like you, we had to resort to infertily treatmenst to have kids (at first) and as a result had our twins. They were our first, so I didn't have anything to compare it to, though. Of course after spending years and all that $$ at the RE clinic, we'd take all we got.

BUT I remember feeling overwhelmed and terrified. It is a big unknown and in the early preggo stages feels awful..

I will say that having twins has been the most challenging and rewarding thing I've done. They are the best of friends and watching them grow and develop has been a privilege to do. I can say although I would never intentionally hope for twins again, I would do it again in a heartbeat.
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Old 06-24-2006, 04:51 PM
 
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I have also four. Two boys and twin girls. We were not done with two and did want two more being girls and we got it so i cant relate there. But I can say for us its like having two and two not really four. the two girls play together and the two boys. It was difficult in the first year but I would do it again in a heartbeat. It so totally is double blessings. I hope you find the encouragement that you need. If you are great at having two you will be great at having four. Four is just a number. Look at it as four lives you are impacting. Dwell on the positive not the negatives. You are Blessed.
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Old 06-24-2006, 05:03 PM
 
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I will come back and post more later as I need to get back to my twins I was also not happy to find out I was having twins. I did not want twins and did not think I could handle twins. I cried a lot when I found out. Now, as hard as it is, I could not imagine my life without these guys. They are so wonderful and funny and watching the 2 of them interact with eachother is the best thing ever. I often look and then and think "what would I have done with only 1 baby, I would be missing out on so much" and things like that. It really is an amazing thing to watch twins grow and I am looking forward to the future when I can send them outside to play and they can keep eachother entertained and always have a friend to play with.
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Old 06-24-2006, 05:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saskiasmom
Has anyone been here? Did any of you struggle with this? Everyone says *doble blessing* but that means very little to me. I feel double burdened, and double guilty, and double stupid, and double sad : Thanks for listenbing and understanding and your thoughts, if you have any
This is exactly how I felt, on and off, for a lot of my pregnancy.

My reasons for not being "ready" were different from yours: my DH and I were not married long, and we were/are in India. 10,000 miles from my family, including my dad who's a neonatologist and my mom who's awesome in every way. It was terrible! I felt I had botched everything and this was not how I wanted to have kids, not how I wanted to do this with DH, etc. etc. I had to miss my sister's wedding b/c it was when i was 34 weeks pregnant.

I LOVE Kalpana and Amrita so much, and I can't even put into words what an amazing kind of privilege and good fortune it is to be their mom. But I still wish I had had a more "conscious" sort of beginning to the whole thing, instead of one where I was in dread a lot.

I don't know if all that is helpful. Finding out you're going to have twins is really really scary.
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Old 06-24-2006, 06:03 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are struggling, mama! I think it is very normal to be feeling the way are. It is very hard having newborn twins as well as other young kids to take care of. I can't put into words how unbelievable it is, though. I think moms of twins are so lucky. We all have been given such an amazing gift, actually 2 of them! Yes, it is hard but so worth it. The mamas here are wonderful and we can all lean on each other for support, to vent and to get advice. You CAN do it and I don't believe you will regret for a second having these babies. I know you are scared and panicked and overwhelmed right now. That is ok and we are here for you. Even though it will be hard, you won't be able to imagine life without them. I am not sure if you were asking advice or just needed to vent but I really hope you choose to keep your precious babies.

Blessed mama of four
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Old 06-24-2006, 06:22 PM
 
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This is my first post here ~ been a lurker for a long time....

Ohhh....I am so sorry you are in so much turmoil right now. That breaks my heart, even though I don't know you.

All I can say is that you are already a momma to those sweet babies - even if you think their lives haven't started yet - those little babies already have their unique dna that will never again be repeated. So if you choose not to carry them, then you'll never meet them on this earth again. They are YOUR children - and no one else's, and, as I said, they will never be repeated.

And they lie there, snug and nestled in your womb, waiting to meet you. PPD is a terrible struggle, I acknowledge that, but it lasts a short while in comparison to the lifetime of joy these children will give you.

I've never yet met a woman who regretted having her child/children. But I know many who live day after day regretting choosing to abort her child/children.

My prayers are with you ~ When you have a hard time wondering what to do, perhaps look at your two other children and imagine as though the tables were reversed - what if THEY were the ones in your womb now? What if you forever gave up the chance to know them?
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Old 06-24-2006, 09:13 PM
 
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First and foremost, you are not a bad person or mother for thinking any of the things you are thinking. I don't have other children besides my twins, but I have thought nearly everything you are thinking now.

My dh and tried for a child (ONE) child for a long time. On my first cycle of Clomid I conceived twins. My first words were: "OH SH*T!" Not a great start to be an attached parent huh?

I had (okay, sometimes I still have) the "I'm not going to do this unless I can do it perfectly" attitude. What I know is is that if I had to do it again, I would have asked/demanded for all the help I could beg, borrow or steal. I would not have martyred myself b/c my husband was unable to help for the first year or so. I would have gotten on drugs a lot sooner for my severe PPD. I would have gotten them to take a bottle, even if that meant introducing formula :

If you've made it through my rambling, my main point is that it doesn't have to be perfect and you don't have to lose yourself. You will have moments of clarity in the coming months (between the nausea and hormones) where you will be able to figure out ways to make things work for you and your family - those ways can be messy, imperfect, less than ideal - and still be okay.

Hang in there.
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Old 06-25-2006, 11:10 AM
 
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to you mama! I am so sorry you are struggling like this. I wouldn't dream of trying to give advice or preach at you. THis is going to be a very difficult decision for you, but I can tell you how I felt.
I have one dd, and we did not use any fertility treatments to concieve, but when we found out at 12 weeks it was TWINS I was in shock. I had even suspected for weeks there were 2 in there, but it didn't matter. Finding out you are carrying multiples is a shock for all of us I think. I spent the next 3 weeks in denial or saying things like. "OMG I will have to tandem nurse these babies, now I have to wean dd!" "OMG! DH won't be home with me like he was last time. How can I handle night duties alone with 2 babies and dd to take care of?" I felt SOOO overwhelmed. I am still intimidated by the idea of going from 1 child to 3. I am a planner and I can't get my brain around the logistics of 2 more. OTOH I am no longer feeling sick (the first trimester was HORRIBLE beyond words) and I am excited about welcoming my 2 boys into our home. It will be hard, but I will cope. I only had about a week of depression with dd, noting compared to your situation, but lots of other twin moms have, and I know if I need it they will support me through it, and I will be here to support you when your time comes.
I know you feel burdened right now, and overwhelmed, but you have given birth twice before. Once is hard enough, but choosing to become a mother again is an intentional act of courage and caring. If you could not handle twins, I really don't think they would have been given to you to raise. Best wishes to you and your family. If you need anything let us know mama.

Mama to 4 darlings. A ('03), O and K ('06), A ('09), and wife to M since 2002.
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Old 06-25-2006, 02:48 PM
 
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OMG I JUST WROTE THE LONGEST REPLY EVER AND THEN I HIT SOMETHING ON MY KEYBOARD AND IT DISAPPEARED!

: : :

Okay, I'm going to summarize what I said.

My surprise twins were my first kids. I was a single mom. I had just graduated from college. I was working as a waitress. I had no idea who or what I was. (You may ask, well then why not use birth control? My answer would be because I was young and stupid and didn't think it would happen to me. Ha.)

I never thought of terminating, so I can't relate to that feeling.

I felt sorry for myself, and sorry for my twins, because I felt that bringing them into the world without a father figure (and with just a totally inexperienced single mom) would really suck for them. I was really freaked out.

I did ask for a lot of help, and I received it. I would go to the place I practiced my religion and people were practically falling over themselves to help me. People usually want to help when they see someone is struggling. So, maybe ask for help?

Yes, I was exhausted the first year -- but I barely remember it. That's the good news. I have a lot of pictures, so I know it happened, but I barely had time to do anything, much less THINK. I was on auto-mom. I just DID. I maintain that I did not experience any ppd because I didn't have time. (I'm not being flip; I really did not have time.)

One thing that helped me keep my SANITY was that I was NOT worried about being an AP mom. (Please, no flaming.) Ideally I WANTED to be an AP mom, but ideally I also wanted to have a partner in the parenting and only have one child at a time. So, you've got idealism in one hand... as they say.

I formula-fed, I gave pacifiers, I put them in a crib in another room, I lugged them around in their "buckets," and they each spend a lot of time in the swing or the bouncy seat. And, even though those are things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing with my dd (who I had when they were 2.5yo; I'm married now and my dh adopted my twins) I did them with my twins and I don't feel guilty at all, and I kept my sanity. I decided a sane mom was a priority, and if I wasn't going to sleep, eat, relax, shower, or brush my teeth for a year, then darn it, I wasn't going to stress about AP.

At any rate, I relate to many of your feelings. Finding out you are having twins when you are not expecting them is a huge shock. It can be done, but so can scaling Mt. Everest, and I wouldn't ever want to do that. You know you are a good parent, because you already have 2 kids. Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope this helped.
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Old 06-25-2006, 04:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doula and mom
It can be done, but so can scaling Mt. Everest, and I wouldn't ever want to do that
Yes, that's definitely a factor.

Thank you all soooooooo much for your thoughts and kind words. It is a life-line to see how people have done it and are doing it. I am having more days of being ok with it (i joke to Dh that its 60/40 now ) - this has really helped. I am trying to decide something by the end of this week. Kids need juice... thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 06-26-2006, 02:17 AM
 
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I just wanted to add my own {{{HUGS}}}

and I can kind of understand; having twins (finding out) is shocking - it really takes a while (a LONG while to adjust), but it's SOOOOOOOO worth it in the long run. So, I'm exhausted, but I'd rather have my babies than sleep .
My other thought was, I have incredibly difficult pregnancies and I believe that I was intended to have x number of kids. Dh and I thought 4 would be a nice number for our family - I got pregnant --- and then we found out that there were two. FIVE kids, FIVE. I think that G-d intended for us to have a family wtih five kids, but He was merciful to me and gave me two of them at once - so only 4 pregancies. I am so blessed.
Being pregnant is hard, really difficult and if you want to complain all day to me about it or anything else; I'm here to listen. You can pm me if you want. I'm a great listener.

Rivka, mommy to 3 big boys and a set of b/g twins
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Old 06-26-2006, 12:09 PM
 
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's Momma. I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time.

When I found out I was pregnant with my twins, I was devastated. The pregnancy itself was an "accident" so finding out there were two babies was some days just too much for me to handle. Factor in that during my pregnancy I had to move myself and my other 2 kids (who were 8 & 1 at the time) in with my parents b/c I lost my husband. It was a rough road, but the longer I held out, the more I came to love those two babies inside of me. The first year was an experience, lol. My ds was sick and spent time in the hospital 2 hours from here. I had to leave his twin and my other two kids with my parents so that I could be with him. I didn't sleep, I lost an inordinate amount of weight (which I have unfortunately re-gained, lol), and I have a full-time job. But...I MADE IT. My four kids made it. And in December we moved out of my parent's home and into our own. Everyday I look at my kids and I am thankful beyond belief. Did I plan for this? No, can't say that I did. Being a single Momma is so hard, but my kids are so worth it. I watch them play together, and I honestly cannot imagine my life without them. I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. My kids are loved, and everything else is just not as important as that. I tell my parents all the time that my definition of "clean enough" when it comes to my house has definitely changed in the past couple of years.
I hope that you can find some peace, Momma, no matter what your decision. And please know that there are lots of wonderful Mommas here who have been right where you are, and we can all help you through this.
Blessings.
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Old 06-26-2006, 03:45 PM
 
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quote: "I will miss myself - I just got myself back two months ago (ds is 18 mos) and Im enjoying it ! I just feel so overwhelmed, I cant keep one consistent feeling for 2 minutes. Not to mention I have m/s already so feel like hell. This whole thing has just been miserable, and it should be such a great joy. "

(((HUGS! ))) I felt this way when I found out I was pg with my twins! My dd was 15 mos old, and I was finally able to leave the house for more than 30 minutes at a time.

I'd give you tips on how to manage the first year (my twins turned 1 in May!!), but I'm not sure that's what you really need right now. Maybe you just need to know that your thoughts/fears/concerns are normal, no matter how terrible or horrified you are at having them?

I never thought about terminating the pg, but I did horrify myself with thoughts (read: hopes) that maybe I'd miscarry one or both and what a relief it would be. I was angry at times for being pg with twins, elated the next minute, terrified the next, etc. so I think your mixed feelings are really normal! Every twin mom that I've ever really talked to admits to having some really "terrible" thoughts at some point about having more than one.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time emotionally now. I remember that all too well. I'll give you another offer to pm me any time.

"We think we're gliding down the highway when in fact we're slip sliding away." Paul Simon
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Old 06-26-2006, 05:33 PM
 
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Big time , mama!

My DH and I were originally planning on having only one baby and calling it quits afterward. Like you, I had to take clomid in order to get pregnant.

We found out at 5w5d that we were having twins and I was crushed. All DH was thinking was, 'please don't let there be three...' He's a school teacher, I'm an admin. Money was tight as is, we were thinking how in heck were we going to be able to afford two? Like you, what I thought should have been a joy was devastating to me. I didn't think I could handle it.

It took a lot out of me to even ask for help, but I'm glad that I did. Despite my best efforts in tandem breastfeeding, I was only able to do it for three months (I got physically sick from trying to keep up with the food intake and consequently dried up). Other aspects of Natural Parenting had to give way to a more rigorous form of parenting (i.e. supplemental formula on a strict feeding schedule, no co-sleeping in the family bed, etc.). The twins turned 2 yesterday and reflecting on those sleepless times and trial and error, I find that all in all we have done a good job so far. The twins are very happy, healthy, curious, normal 2yos.

Financially money is still tight, but we found that it did not take much for the twins to be happy, they have each other. We Freecycle what we can (I think the most we spent on clothing was no more than $100 over the last 2 years). We cut TV out of the home (save for Netflix for after the kids go to bed). The library has been a G-dsend!

Now for the advice/suggestions:

Check out the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs and find a local chapter, pronto. Most clubs have a 'Big Sister' program and it sounds like that along with your 'sisters' here in the Parenting Multiples board, you could use some moral support locally. It is a unique bond to be with other Mothers of Multiples as they have all been there, many with prior singletons.

It is OK to educate yourself the risks of a multiple pregnancy, but don't let it take over your life. I find that reading too many books and articles about twins preganacies just adds to the angst and therefore not healthy to you and the babies.

Seriously consider utilizing a midwife for your prenatal care instead of using a doctor. Drs treat multiple pregnancies like it is some code red alert. Midwives will take the extra time with you, listen to your concerns, and if necessary, work with your OB. If you choose to have a midwife deliver your babies, even better!

Welcome to the Sisterhood!

Waldorf mama to 5yo b/g twins
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Old 06-27-2006, 01:18 PM
 
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I am going to answer you honestly because I respect you and what you are going through and think you deserve an honest answer. This isn't an "atta girl / you can do it" response so if that's what you're looking for (and I gathered from your OP it wasn't), please stop reading.


I have three children - my twins came first, then a 3rd singleton 2 yrs. 9 mos. later. I cannot imagine going the other direction, where you have 2 (or more!) YOUNG kids first, then twins. I now know what a vast, huge difference there is between mothering a singleton and mothering twins. It's apples and oranges. One of the things that was most striking to me was how much I had to compromise my AP ideals with my twins, while my 3rd baby got mothered in a much different, and more AP way. I could wear him all the time, be out and about earlier with him by my side, I could BF him all the time on demand with a bountiful milk supply, cosleeping was easy and do-able, one baby didn't have to cry while I tended the also urgent needs of their sibling... the list goes on. Sure I did the best I could and many mothers of twins ARE able to do some of those things (or all) but the truth is so many of us aren't. Even the most well intentioned, AP of us experience things that you can't necessarily control (BFing problems, preemies, medical issues, etc.) that put a big damper on your ability to mother your babies guilt free. In the early days, before I got a grip, I was wracked with guilt over whether I was doing a good enough job. And that was BEFORE I knew what it was like to mother just one baby at a time "the way nature intended" (I say this in quotes because even my twins were conceived naturally, it is so incredibly rare for a young woman to conceive twins naturally that it really did feel like I was an anomoly). With the benefit of hindsight, I look back and am even more proud of the job dh and I did with our twins, but I also have an added perspective that brings some sadness when I think about their infancy because I know how very different it was from my ideal. You already have two children and you will know instantly what your twins are missing. On the other hand, having children already means hopefully your milk will come in sooner and you'll be able to BF better if there are any issues. You might have better luck carrying them to term. And you might be more resourceful when it comes to problem solving.

So my advice, the advice I would give you if you were my sister, is, research what you are getting into and then make a decision about what you want to do and feel good about it. Whether you choose to continue the pregnancy (or with both twins) or not, from this point forward, you OWN this pregnancy and what happens to you. Make the decision you and dh are comfortable with and move on, empowered by your choice and knowing you are in control. This may have been a mistake, but how you handle it from this point forward should put YOU in charge. If you decide to have both babies, know that the first 12 months (+/-) will be really, really hard but that there are also sweet rewards in having twins. If you decide to terminate or selectively reduce, know that there are many, many women who have made the same choice and take comfort in the fact that you're not being selfish but considering the needs of your sanity, your older dc's, your marriage and finances, etc. This is an age-old problem and be glad that you now have the opportunity to buckle your seat belt and take the driver's seat, regardless of which road you take.
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Old 06-27-2006, 07:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you.

Everyone is so amazing, and what you have accomplished My friend just ripped me a new one about the thoughts IM having and it made me apprecitae so much what you have shared with me WITHOUT judgement. Thank you.

mom to  dd1 (11) hearts.gif,  ds (9)bikenew.gif,  dd2 (6) dust.gif  , Daisy (4) dog2.gif
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Old 06-28-2006, 12:42 AM
 
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I am so sorry your friend did that to you You need people to talk through this with and support whatever YOUR decision is, not people to be judgmental of, at this point, your thoughts and concerns.

Some thoughts of mine from reading Periwinkle's post:

I had a singleton 1st and it has been very hard because I know what my twins are missing out on, but at the same time having already been through raising a child I know more of what to expect and am not learning how to parent on twins. I try my hardest not to treat my kids any different than if they were singletons. Of course, there are times when they have to cry for a minute while I tend to the other one and stuff, but it is always in my thoughts that I want them to be treated equal to my 1st baby. My standards had already been set with my 1st baby and I think in some ways it was easier to stick with them after already seeing the benefit that they had on my 1st. I think it also makes it a lot harder because you want to do things a certain way and sometimes it is not possible and maybe you feel more guilt over it and maybe it leads to ppd more too. I can not even imagine having twins 1st, it must have been so hard for you.
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Old 06-28-2006, 02:09 AM
 
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A big for you mama. This is a decision that no one can make but you, but as you can see we're here to support you. My twins are just 12 weeks old, but my experience so far - having had 2 older kids before my twins (they were almost 2 1/2 & 5 1/2 when my twins were born) has been that:

Pregnancy was much harder (sicker, definitely more uncomfortable - down right painful later on) but still was uncomplicated and I enjoyed it (I've always loved being pregnant)
Adjustment period has been harder - I'm exhausted yet these babies sleep better than either of my singletons did, I think I'm struggling with PPD for the first time, I've been yelling at my older kids a lot
The AP factor - I've definitely mourned the loss of how exactly I wanted to parent this baby. I was going to wear the baby all the time and be totally attached, but with two this just can't happen. Instead they both have periods of crying where I can't adequately attend to them. That's really hard but I do my best to comfort the one I can't hold at the moment. And I get nervous about wearing one baby when I know that the other might require my attention at any given moment and then I'll have to put down the baby I'm wearing (who is now probably cozy & asleep) and then he'll wake up and be angry and now I'll have 2 upset babies on my hands rather than just one. Oh, and now I rely on products like swings and strollers which I wish I didn't need to use. But I do and it helps, so I'm accepting that this is how it's going to be.

For me, it's all a small price to pay. I've had so many moms of twins tell me how much easier it gets as time goes on. I know that it will. So I accept that this is an especially difficult period and I look forward to the future with them. I do need to deal with the possible ppd issue b/c I certainly don't want to punish any of my kids, but this is all new to me so I'm trying to figure it out still.

I hope you are able to come to a decision that feels right for you.

p.s. I'm another clomid mom.

Mama to four remarkable kiddos, all born at home.
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Old 06-29-2006, 02:33 AM
 
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I got pg with twins about a year after I miscarried a baby girl at 17 weeks. I cried and cried those first few weeks because I was terrified of having twins and just wanted my other baby back.

I think around the time I got over the morning sickness and started to feel stronger I bonded so much with these babies and loved them through all the crazy things happening to my body (PUPPPS, cholestasis, no sleep etc)

You will need some help. No doubt about it. I don't know the ages of your other kids - can they go to pre-school or play group a few mornings? Arrange rides ahead of time. Co-op schools are great for this.

We had NO money but hired an older woman to come in 2-3 days a week for 4 hours each time. I lived for those hours! She would hold my babies so I could shower, change my sheets, fold clothes, sweep the floor. It was heaven

I think I cried everyday but I laughed everyday too. FTR I didn't have PPD fortunately.

Good luck to you mama whatever you decide!
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Old 06-30-2006, 03:31 AM
 
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I had twins w/o any other children. I'm always amazed to hear people actually have other children along with their twins! BUT....you also have a lot of experience and know a lot more about infants/children. If I got pregnant tomorrow with twins, I wouldn't hesitate to do it all again, having 4 total children. My biggest fear would be the pregnancy. In my eyes, that's the hardest part! Once you meet the bundles, everything's worth it!!

SAHM married to with twin boys  and a girl .  
 
 
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Old 06-30-2006, 03:59 AM
 
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Just another voice of support with whatever you choose.

My first words at the U/S were "holy shit" and I had a hard time coming to terms with the whole idea of twins (twins did NOT fit into my plan of two kids and getting my life back!). You are definintely not alone. But we have made it past the first really hard year (it was a really hard first 9 months, with a pretty hard but getting better last 3 months) and I feel like we are finally starting to find our way --

I wish you strength and peace as you make your own way.
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Old 06-30-2006, 10:52 AM
 
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I hope you've found support no matter which choice you make.

I just want to share our story. My daughter was right at 13 months old when we found out we were pregnant again. We wanted two children total and wanted them to be close in age, so I was happy with the pregnancy. Then at our second ultrasound for dating, we found out it was twins. Then, a couple months in we found out they were a rare type of identical twins that were going to require intensive monitoring and may not even survive.

I went between anger, "Why me?", incredible sadness, and then when they were born it got worse because they were in the NICU for 5 weeks. They are almost 14 weeks old now and I still have days that I would give them to the first nice looking person that passed by our house. There are also times that I have all three of my beautiful girls snuggled on the couch or in bed with me and I wouldn't change my life for anything.

I've had to compromise some of my ideals about AP. I've had to make sure that I am rested, fed, and taken care of before I attempt to meet the needs of three children. This means the twins do go in swings, they do get a pumped bottle at night, they do have to fuss sometimes because I can't always meet everyone's needs. I think it's going to get much better though. They started smiling on Father's Day and that was SO huge for us. It gave me courage to keep pushing forward.

Financially, it's tough too. We plan on buying groceries on our credit card for the first year so we can have a college student help us out 4 hours a day. We likely won't be able to afford to put them all in private schools like we'd hoped. Vacations will be more expensive. They may have to take on their own college loans one day. The medical bills are depressing. Every penny will be worth it.

Above all, they may not have been adored every minute since they were conceived or born but they have been loved the best we know how to do with three. This is what they will carry with them throughout their lives, not a loss of sling-time or a hatred at extra time in the bouncy seat.
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Old 06-30-2006, 11:06 AM
 
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I already have 3 kids and I had just turned 40 when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant again, it was an even bigger shock to find out it was twins when I was 17 weeks. I think I've come to terms with being pregnant with twins now I'm 35+ weeks, but still not sure how I'm gonna manage with two more babies :
I think you've had some great advice and real honesty already, I hope it helps you come to a decision and get some peace of mind, just wanted to add my support.
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Old 07-05-2006, 02:11 PM
 
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Just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing.

"We think we're gliding down the highway when in fact we're slip sliding away." Paul Simon
DD-7 & B-G twins, 5
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Old 07-13-2006, 06:42 PM
 
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I've been wondering about you too. I'm a bit late to respond, but I wanted to share with you my twinshock story too.

I've been on both sides of this coin to an extent. I survived an abortion when I was a teenager. It has been a very long road to healing, and I think the wound will never quite close, but having the twins actually helped bridge that gap in my heart. What I always say I wish someone had told me then was how I'd have to live with that decision for the rest of my life. I was genuinely surprised when afterward I started grieving for that baby. Nobody told me how much that would hurt or for how long it would haunt me. I pined for years for an accidental pregnancy. Finally I had my first dd, and I was still way too young and unprepared.

Fast forward to 11 years and 2 kids after my AB. I still suffered from baby lust obsession. I thought I could be okay with just one more, so we decided for one try for a third. As soon as I saw the + test, I got this feeling of dread. Three weeks later they told me it was twins. I immediately got massive morning sickness, fatigue, etc. I sobbed and cried for weeks, feeling exactly what you descibed. I prayed that the Dr. was wrong or that God would take one of the babies. I thought about terminating, but I knew in my heart I didn't have the courage to go through that again. When I was 17 weeks pg I woke up bleeding heavily and rushed to the ER. I was sobbing this time because I was sure I had lost them. When they told me they were both okay and that I was having a boy and a girl, I felt my first slice of peace at the fact that I was having two. Even after they were born, I remember looking at them sleeping and crying again that we had made a huge huge mistake.

Now they are almost a year old. I regret that I spent so much of my last pg worrying about everything and being afraid of them. I wish I'd been able to love them more during that time. This year has been a lot of work but I feel that as a family we have all pulled together more. One of my biggest fears was that our marriage wouldnt be able to survive the strain of 4 kids under 6, but dh and I are actually closer than ever because we have learned how to streamline our lives and work together. It is getting better month by month as they grow and become more independent. I have learned to shift my priorities in order to maintain my sanity. The girls have learned to be more self sufficent and help me out more. But most of all, when I look at them, I can't imagine my life without them, and moreover, I can't imagine one of them being without the other, which I know is what I'd be doinng if I'd decided to only have onne of them. Having twins does mean twice the money and twice the challenges, but is also twice the giggles, smiles and kisses. I wish you peace with whatever you decide.
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Old 07-14-2006, 01:56 AM
 
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I hope everything is going well with you
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