Please do not flame me, I am struggling excruciatingly, and am crying as I type.
As I posted a few days ago, I just learned that I am pregnant with twins. We were *trying* for a third/last, and as with all pregs, used clomid, as I do not ovulate (or menstruate) on my own. We had been trying since january, and just this month I became at peace with having 2, and this being our last month of ttc. I actually started to look forward to all the things that would be easier about having 2. Then the stick said +. I subsequntly had some severe ovarian pain, so went in for an u/s where they saw two huge cysts. I went in two days ago for an u/s to see if that indeed meant 2 implantations, and there are. I am 6 wks (4 wks post conception). The twins will be fraternal.
I have been heartsick, sleepless, filled with dread, regretul, and devastated by what I would lose both if I keep the pregnancy and if I terminate. I do NOT want 4 (then why did we try for 3 with clomid? b/c I did not imagine feeling this way. I did not sit down and make lists of what I would gain/lose, I just thought; we can handle 4 if it happens). Turns out, I dont want to handle 4. I dont want to be swamped by kids for the next three years. Im scared to death of that first 12 mos, given how hard the first year was with the two I have (bad ppd), Im scared of how much more our lives will be consumed with the kids for the rest of my life, and what will happen to me. Im scared of being less of a parent than I want, and I think I have oretty high standards; I just dont know if I could meet those standards with 4, and if I did, would I resent that I was giving all of me away. I know that raising kids is *for me*, but its not all I want, and with 4 somehow I imagine it being much more of all I get. I hope this doesnt sound selfish, I am trying to be true to what I know about myself (one wise thing Dh always says is people make bad decisions when they dont know themselves well, and I fear that is how I got here, so Im trying to be baldly honest with myself).
I will be 37 shortly after the twins arrive. Dh is a resident, and will finish when the twins are 18mos. He works at least 80 hrs/week. I have raised dd and ds mostly on my own through med school and now residency. We have NEVER shared night duties (I think he' gotten up twice in the 4 years of having these two), becuase he cant. He works alot and then he needs to study. He is an amazing father!!! Incredibly present and joyous with the kids, and a great back-up to me, so when the med training is over, it will be MUCH better. Our families both live 1500 miles away, and we make very little money (thinking about hiring *help*) until that 18 mos.
On one hand I think *I can do it*. Just buckle down, do WHATEVER I need to do to get through those 18 mos. These are our babies. We would have a big messy family, and each pair of kids would have a buddy. The love for them is already growing. On the other hand, HOW can I do it. Ive read the other threads about ppd, and getting 2 hrs sleep, and neglecting older sibs. I foresee having NO time or energy to be present for the two I have, for that first year certainly. I will MISS them terribly. I will miss myself - I just got myself back two months ago (ds is 18 mos) and Im enjoying it !
I just feel so overwhelmed, I cant keep one consistent feeling for 2 minutes. Not to mention I have m/s already so feel like hell. This whole thing has just been miserable, and it should be such a great joy.
Dh wants to keep the preg, but more importantly, wants to keep my sanity and happiness. We dont believe that life technically begins this early, but the life you project onto the little ones sure does, so no answer is comforting. I feel trapppppped, and imagine feeling this way at least until the twins are 3. Maybe always?
Has anyone been here? Did any of you struggle with this? Everyone says *doble blessing* but that means very little to me. I feel double burdened, and double guilty, and double stupid, and double sad
: Thanks for listenbing and understanding and your thoughts, if you have any