bonding with two babies at once. . . - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 5 Old 03-25-2003, 10:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Did anyone else have a hard time with this? I'm madly in love with both of my babies, but feel like I've really bonded with one of them, and don't feel like I've really clicked with the other one yet. Of course, this is making me feel incredibly guilty. I try to spend extra cuddle time with the baby whom I feel less bonded to (i.e. I carry him, and Dp carries his brother), but I really wish I could just get to spend a whole day alone with him and really figure him out. His brother sleeps on my chest or in my spoon at night, but he prefers to be stretched out in his own space, and will just cry when I try to sleep with him unless I give him a breast to latch on to.

Any advice?

Thanks!

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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#2 of 5 Old 03-27-2003, 12:10 AM
 
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Hi, Lex. The feelings you're having are completely normal and I would dare to say that all of us have felt them at one time or another.

I too felt more bonded to one of my girls more then the other. One of them got really sick with RSV when she was 5-weeks old. She was flown to a huge University hospital where she was on a respirator for 5 days...it was touch and go for quite a while with her. I stayed in the hospital with her but would take her sister to the Ronald McDonald House at night to sleep. I pumped for the one in the hospital but was able to nurse the other one.

Most would think I would be more bonded to the one that was sick but it happened opposite. I was able to spend almost a week of one-on-one time with her sister and it made me feel so much closer to her.

It's not that way anymore though. It changes almost daily as to who I feel more bonded to. I've read in many of my twin books that it's TOTALLY normal to feel closer or more bonded to one of your babies and not to feel ashamed about it. There will come a time when the feelings will flip flop and I'm sure it will happen more then once.

I hope this helps!

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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#3 of 5 Old 03-27-2003, 10:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, Karen! Your post was very reassuring. Yesterday it just so happened that I got to spend lots of one-on-one time with the baby whom I was feeling more distant from. He didn't nap when his brother did, and so we hung out then, and we even got to do some one-on-one nursing (whenever this happens--rarely--I exclaim the boys about how "romantic" it is). THEN, when Dp came home, she took his brother hiking, and those of us who stayed behind got to take a bath together. All in all, it was a very bonding day and I am feeling much better about my connections with both babies. Still, I'm very glad to know that I'm not alone in this.

Thank you!

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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#4 of 5 Old 03-28-2003, 02:20 AM
 
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In a way I feel lucky that I have B/G twins. They look different and act different. I feel like I have two babies not twins. Does that make sense?? My son however needed me more in the first weeks. His delivery was natural but a cord prolapsed and they used forceps to get him out ASAP. He needed time to recover from that ordeal. My daughter had a beutiful birth. She was comforted easily by her daddy and grandmother. I have always felt a bit guilty about my daughter and the lack of mommy time she had but she is just an easy going kid. An extrovert.
It took time to really get to know both babies. I don't think I will ever know them as intimately as my older singleton. But I am comforted by the fact that they know each other so well.

Julianne
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#5 of 5 Old 03-29-2003, 12:40 AM
 
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Lex, I know how you feel. One of my babies (J) has always been easier to read, he wears his heart on his sleeve. The other (S) has always been deeper. Also, J is the "squeaky wheel" and so was less often parented by others. I too always worried about my bond with S and tried extra hard to make up for it by holding him and interacting with him. Interestingly, things seem to switch periodically. Like right now, Sean has separation anxiety from me and Josh just waves goodbye and continues playing. Sean wants me, no one else,a nd I find that I can read him and click with him well now.
One of my friends suggested to me the book "The Five Love Languages of Children"--it is more applicable to older children, but it is good in that it gets you to think about each child and the individual ways they receive love, and therefore the ways you can communicate it to them so that they do receive and internalize it and therefore thrive on it.
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