not (stupid comments) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 05-02-2003, 05:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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ok mamas of multiples, so what comments have people said that have made your day or were uplifting regarding your children, as opposed to being stupid unthoughtful comments?

I ask as I have a friend with twins and is now expecting twins again. Quite close together. She seems to be having a lousy pregnancy and tensions seem to be mounting. I just wish I could say something helpful but whatever I say seems to be the wrong thing.
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#2 of 6 Old 05-02-2003, 12:16 PM
 
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Aaaaaaaah! That's all I can think of to say (scream). I had a dream (nightmare) a couple of weeks ago that I was pg with twins *again* and I still haven't recovered.

Don't say anything about the twins. . . just offer to help!!

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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#3 of 6 Old 05-02-2003, 01:58 PM
 
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I guess one problem with knowing what to say is everyone wants to hear different things. Personally when people say something to me about having a lot on my plate or being tired, I appreciate the acknowledgement that it really is more challenging having your babies two at a time.

Also, coming to terms with having twins (or more) seems to happen for every mother in her own way on her own terms at her own time.

So I sympathize with you very much - wanting to say the right thing and not knowing what it is. YOur friend herself probably doesn't know.

Things friends (and stangers) have said to me that helped:

"You are truly blessed. Even if you can't see that now, these babies are a blessing." With time, I've come to realize she was right.

"You are an amazing woman."

"If anyone can do this, you can."

"I will do anything I can to help."

"You are doing a great job."

Oh - and my advice - ASK QUESTIONS and let her talk. I've gone through so many emotions these few months and would have loved to have had more opportunity to talk about them.

Good luck. YOu sound like you are a great friend.

- Catherine
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#4 of 6 Old 05-02-2003, 04:04 PM
 
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Wow MamaLeah you are a wise woman! I would love to have you close by to talk with on a daily basis! I too found it comforting to be able to pour out my feelings and just have someone listen! I thought it would be just as easy with twins as it was with each of my 4 singletons. Man was I wrong! I was so sleep deprived, lonely, over-whelmed, happy and sad at the same time. Most days I really did not enjoy it and hated any comments I received because they were usually the stupid ones but I really did appreciate when I received some of the ones you listed above.
One thing I can offer is that I loved when people cooked for us. It made my day knowing dinner was ready to just heat up. Ask first to make sure she is ok with it and try to pull together enough people to provide dinner for the first month or two. I had lots that were deliverd at once and we froze and thawed out when needed and then we had some delivered nightly. I just can not stress enough how helpful that was!
Another huge help would be to ask if she would like for you to host a diaper, wipe, baby soap shower? I receive two and I just finished up with all the diapers and wipes and still have baby soap and my twins will be 2 in August. It would be great for cloth or disposable! This helped us out both financially and also with the fact that I just was not as mobile as before. She will especially be in this situation with two sets so close together!
I think another great thing to say is to just complement her on her appearance or if you can afford it buy her an inexpensive new maternity top. Even better would be to get her a massage!
How about hosting a fun hour together and paint each others nails, massage shoulders and backs, brush each others hair and pretend you are two close teenage friends without a care in the world for one hour!
Hope this helps!
Angie
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#5 of 6 Old 05-04-2003, 02:36 AM
 
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Everyone has written such wonderful things. mamui good for you for trying to accentuate the positive for your friend. Please do listen to your friend and let her vent all feelings. One set of twins overwhelmed me I could not imagine two sets. She must be having some powerful feelings.

Offer to take care of her older twins. Give her time to nap during the pregnancy and bond with the babies afterwards. I found having people offer to do specific things was great because then I did not have to think about what they could do. Sometimes people just did things. For example my two friends came over at a prearranged time and did a load of laundry, cooked dinner and took my older daughter to the playground. I was involved in none of the decisions they "just did things". I sat on the couch and dozed/nursed the twins.

Hire someone to clean her house or do it yourself. What a wonderful feeling to have the whole house clean all at the same time. Even if it is just for 10 minutes.

I agree with the meals. We had meals for 3 weeks after the babies came home and it really helped. If she can't think of anything for you to do bring over food. Anything will do. Make up some tuna salad, egg salad,enchildadas, lasagna, chicken pot pies, pre made sandwiches,chili, stews anything that she can eat easily and quickly is ideal.

Offer to go to the grocery store for her. That could become very difficult for her with two sets of small baby twins. Think of the logistics!!!!!

Sometimes taking charge and just moving forward with something that you feel is needed is a relief. If she is your good friend she'll forgive you later for all the liberties you take. She will realize that you were trully helping. Example from my life was the day my really good friend took my older daughter home from school. I was so deeply asleep with the twins I did not hear the door bell ringing. After a few minutes my friend assessed the situation, left a note and took my daughter home to her house for the afternnon and dinner. When I woke up I was in a panic and really feeling awful/guilty. My daughter came home happy with her fun afternoon never having realized that I had "abandoned" her and I got some much needed sleep. My friend did the right thing. Even though given the choice I would not have gone that route. Thank goodness for really good friends.
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#6 of 6 Old 05-07-2003, 03:11 PM
 
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Everyone has posted such wonderful ideas!!! Having dinners delivered after my babies were born was a lifesavor and so much appreciated. I love the idea of a diaper party too...really great idea!! Also, volunteering to watch her older two while she naps, etc. is an awesome idea. How about hiring her a maid service for the first month or two...some of her other friends could go in on it with you.

MamaLeah had some great ideas for things to say to her. It truly lifted my spirits when someone would say to me "If anyone can handle this, you can." That was a sweet way to say that they had confidence in me.

Also...it's probably very tempting when she's venting about something to say "I know how you feel" or to compare it to something in your life but the truth is that no one can truly know how she feels. Just listen to her and let her vent as much as she wants.

I'm sure she's beyond overwhelmed at the though of having twins again. I would LOVE to have another set of twins. She is TRULY doubly blessed.

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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